Unplanned Parenthood

Disclaimer - Hunter x Hunter does not belong to me, all characters and such are the marvelous product of Yoshihiro Togashi.

Notes - This is my third fanfic (second HxH one which I wrote a couple weeks ago) so please give as much input as you can. I imagine the characters are rather OOC but I hope you all enjoy it anyway.

Illumi decides to spare the life of an infant on one of his jobs. As a result, he seeks Hisoka's assistance in caring for the child.


Illumi only heard the sound after his task was complete and he was left to make sure there was no one left as the job entailed. He made his towards the sound of babbling, his steel pins ready to silence the source of the noise.

He rounded a corner and saw the body of a woman, her pale blue dress now stained crimson with her blood. He saw movement and briefly wondered at how she was still alive. I never miss my target. But then he saw that it was not the female body that was moving, but rather a bundle underneath her still body. Curiously he nudged her still form to the side.

Illumi then saw that the buddle was really an infant, who returned his curious stare. Illumi was at a complete lose as what to do, it was only eight months old at most. It surely didn't know what had just occurred. I've killed countless people before, even children, it would very simple to end this baby's life quickly and painlessly.

Still, he hesitated, even when he had ended the all too brief lives of children they viewed him with fear, or with hatred, sometimes both. He wasn't sure how to deal with this bundle of innocence now cooing in his direction, no doubt attracted to the shine from his pins.

Obviously he had to make sure no one survived who would exact revenge later, but he just could not imagine something so young growing up to take vengeance. Without the training the baby would grow to live a normal life, much like he would have if he wasn't born a Zaoldyeck. He reflected upon how unfair it was, to be born a life already set for him. Although, there would probably be nothing else I would so excel at.

Deciding he could not extinguish such a guiltless creature he awkwardly picked up that baby. Still cooing the baby reached out to grasp a few strands of Illumi's silken hair. Unfortunately the lack of motor skills resulted in the infant very nearly pulling out the strands he held onto.

Sighing, Illumi attempted to disengage the stubby fingers from his now tangled hair. "For such a small thing you have remarkably strong fingers." He noted with some amusement. "Innngrrrrss" was the child's response, pleased at the sound of Illumi's calm voice.

As Illumi wondered at the softness and warmth of the infant's fingers. He was reminded of Killua and Karuto and how guileless they started out. Killua's done well for himself, he's figured out something he wanted to do with his life. Karuto is still somewhat worrisome, why did he decide to join the Spiders?

Shaking his head, Illumi reasoned through what to do next with the baby. I can't take this child home, the family would question where I obtained it. They would definitely insist on my disposing of such a thing. I don't think there's anyone who would be willing to take care of a baby if I hand it to them.

Reluctantly Illumi reached for his cellphone and dialed the one person could possibly rely on. The insanity must be rubbing off on me, what would that mad man know about babies?

"Yes?" was the immediate response from the other side.

"Hisoka, it is Illumi, I require your assistance for something. Where are you now?" Illumi spoke with some impatience, not wishing to stay in range of those he had just disposed of.

"Ohhh? It is rare that you would need my help for anything." Illumi could just feel the other man smirking on the other end of the line. Hisoka gave directions to where he was staying and concluded with, "I'll be waiting for you."


Hisoka heard a soft rapping at his door. "Come in, it isn't locked." He idly looked at the card in his hand, thinking of what the assassin could possibly want from him.

As Illumi silently entered the room Hisoka noticed the bundle in one arm and a bag in the other hand. "What's that? Did you bring me a gift? Oh you shouldn't have." Hisoka said sweetly, getting up to investigate further. When he was close enough to see what the cloth contained he stopped, astonishment registering on his face, "That's a baby!"

Illumi was bemused by the magician's reaction, it wasn't often he had the chance to shock the man. "You are very observant." Illumi let the slightest bit of sarcasm slip into his usually detached voice.

Ignoring the comment, Hisoka reached out a hand and tentatively poked one of the sleeping infant's chubby cheeks. Warm to the touch. "And it's alive. What are you planning to do with it? It isn't your child, is it?" Hisoka asked incredulously, unable to imagine Illumi having 'relations' with anyone.

Illumi remained silent for a moment, pleased with how the magician was completely baffled by the presence of a baby. But eventually Illumi responded, deciding they needed to purchase some items for the child before it awoke. He had gotten several things on his way to Hisoka's place, but more was needed. Briefly he explained where the baby came from. "So now I need some place safe for this baby." He concluded. Walking over to a table he placed the bag he was holding down.

Raising an eyebrow, Hisoka asked, "You have plenty of money with which to support the kid, why don't you just hire a nanny or something? It isn't like I know how to take care of the thing. Besides, I have other things to do to keep myself entertained."

Sighing, Illumi countered with, "Other things to do? All you ever do is sit around on the ruins in that dilapidated building the Genei Ryodan are currently using as their base. You complain about it often enough, who knows why you rejoined them."

"But I want a rematch with the boss. Once he had the nen Kurapica put on him removed the battle was most excellent," At this Hisoka licked his lips, savoring the memory. "But it ended with us both too exhausted to finish the other off. I simply cannot tolerate a…tie." Just saying the word caused Hisoka to frown in repulsion.

Shrugging off Hisoka's lust for battle, Illumi said "I need someone strong enough to protect this baby. Someone who is not a Zaoldyeck. They would not approve of my sparing a life, even if it is a baby."

"I'm flattered, you think I'm strong?" Hisoka said with some delight.

Illumi gave the question some consideration. "Strong enough, so what do you say?"

"Hm, and what do I get out of this?" Hisoka asked, the familiar smirk growing.

"You still haven't paid me for my last job. I know you detest doing anything close to work for money. If you do this, I'll forget about what you owe me." It wasn't as if Illumi lacked other jobs from clients who actually paid promptly.

Hisoka though about how much of whatever money he had was spent on cards and his ever-changing wardrobe. "Deal." More money for him to buy cards with, all the better.

"Good. Now we need to go buy some food, clothing, and other necessities for the baby. I bought some things on the way here, but it isn't enough to last past tomorrow." Illumi gestured with his free hand at bag he left on the table earlier.

"You seem pretty together about having a baby to take care of now. Why do I need to come with you?" Hisoka didn't particularly find the thought of going to the grocery store appealing.

"I didn't just take part in training my younger siblings, I took part in raising them when the rest of the family was too busy working to bother. I know what babies need to survive." Illumi thought back on how those moments could have been considered the closest to happiness for him. When his brothers were too young to start their training and they depended on him for all their needs. "You are coming along to carry the items I purchase, I can't carry the items and the child at the same time. I don't think I can leave the baby alone with you yet." Illumi wondered if he would ever be comfortable leaving the child with the deranged man.

Shrugging, Hisoka reluctantly agreed to come along. "I guess I can buy some bubblegum while we are there." But at that exact moment the baby woke up and started wailing his head off.

Covering his ears Hisoka yelled, "What the heck does it want!"

"Probably just thirsty or hungry, doesn't seem to need a change yet…" Illumi walked over to the bag he had placed on the table. Slightly swaying the child with one arm he searched around inside the bag until he found what he was looking for. Removing a can of formula and a bottle he punctured the top of the can and poured it into the bottle. Holding the bottle up to the wailing child, it ceased crying and grasped at the offered object, suckling on the bottle. While the baby was thus content Illumi rummaged for some food inside the bag.

"That was amazing. How did you know exactly what the squirt wanted?" New found respect was apparent in Hisoka's eyes.

"I said I watched over my younger brothers didn't I?" Illumi questioned softly, careful not to disturb the infant. Turning to Hisoka, "While I'm busy here, I guess you will have to buy what this child needs on your own. Do you have a blender?"

"You can't be serious, I don't know what it needs." Hisoka said quizzically. "Yeah, I think there's on in the kitchen, I don't use it though. It is so much faster just going out for food."

"I'll write up a list, I hope you are of more use after this. Oh, and you better hurry, if the baby has any accidents while you are gone I will use one of your many colorful outfits as a substitute for a diaper." Illumi said innocently as he started writing up the list for Hisoka. That threat should keep him from getting sidetracked.

"No, you wouldn't!" Hisoka said in horror.

"You should get going, unless you want to find out if I would or not." Illumi said sweetly. He handed the list to Hisoka and the magician made a mad dash for the nearest window to get to the store as quickly as possible.

"There is a door you know…" But Hisoka was already long gone.


Once Hisoka arrived at the store he was as a total loss as to where to find the items on the list. Hisoka grabbed the nearest person, "Can you find these things for me in this god forsaken place?" He showed the unlucky individual the list.

"Hisoka!" exclaimed the person next to the one he had forced the list upon. Glancing at the person who had said his name, Hisoka wondered at how he missed the shocking white hair before. He also realized with some delight the one he gave the list to was Gon, who was at this point starting at Hisoka with wide eyes. Hisoka grinned at Gon in return, and saw the child pale visibly.

"What are you doing here, Hisoka?" the youth with white hair, Killua, asked as he placed himself between the magician and Gon. In the meantime, Gon went back to inspecting the list, curious as to what could be on it and it was an excuse not to look at Hisoka any longer.

"Killua, look at this paper he showed me, what do you think these things are for?" Gon asked, showing his friend the list.

Quickly scanning the list Killua immediately knew what the identified what some of the items were for. "Hisoka…don't tell use you have a baby!" Killua asked incredulously, unable to picture the magician as a father. The horror of such an idea was just too great.

Deciding he could have some fun with this, Hisoka smirked, "Why yes I am, Illumi and I have a baby to watch over now."

Both Gon and Killua's eyes nearly popped out of their heads in shock. Killua managed to stammer, "But…what…how," before fainting dead away.

Hisoka looked on in amusement as Gon attempted to revive his friend. I would like to play with them more, but I would rather not come back to find my clothing soiled. Reluctantly Hisoka retrieved the list which Gon had dropped in all the excitement. "I guess you two won't be of much assistance." Hisoka said as he dashed off into one of the aisles, figuring that perhaps with his speed he could find the items in time.


When Hisoka returned he was much relieved to find the child not clothed in one of his costly garments. It was happily crawling around the floor inspecting the card boxes he had discarded on a table. He looked around for Illumi. The assassin was busily typing away on a computer. Hisoka plunked all the things he had bought onto the floor. Taking a look over Illumi's shoulders he saw that the man was actually ordering a highchair.

"The infant is not old enough to reliably sit on a chair by himself." Explained Illumi, still looking for other items the child would need. Taking a glimpse at the array of bags Hisoka had tossed on the floor Illumi asked, "Did you get everything on the list?"

"Yeah, yeah, don't know why you need so many things though. I also got plenty of toys, wouldn't want the thing to be bored here." Hisoka sighed dramatically to show how much of a favor he was doing for Illumi. Naturally Illumi just ignored the gesture and went over to the bags to inspect if Hisoka really did do as he said.

The first bag held numerous sticks of bubblegum. "Oh yes, those are for me. Didn't I say I was going to get some?" Hisoka grabbed a brightly colored package of Bubblicous gum. Gleefully ripping off the wrapping he stuffed three in his mouth and offered one to Illumi, who shook his head in revulsion. Hisoka proceeded to offer a piece to the baby. Illumi rushed over and batted the gum away from the baby.

"You can't give him gum, babies would normally try to swallow it! Anyhow, that stuff is entirely too sweet. Who knows what strange things they put in that." Illumi stated matter-of-factly. Hisoka just shrugged and continue happily chewing on his gum. Settling himself on a couch he took out a deck of cards and began shuffling. The baby babbled happily as the cards moved from one hand to another. Hisoka could have sworn one of the random sounds the child made sounded exactly like 'gum'. Seeing that he had an audience, Hisoka smoothly made the cards disappear which resulted in the infant pulling at his hands to see where they had disappeared to. As the child pulled on the magician's sleeve he reached down and pulled out a few cards from inside the infant's sock. Once the child saw this he clapped excitedly and removed a sock, trying to find more cards.

"Well, at least you two seem to be getting along." Illumi commented as he shuffled through the bags. "I will taking these into the kitchen and make some dinner for the child. I suppose I should make some for you too considering you did get all the necessary items." Which is quite a shock. I suppose he might be a little more reliable then I thought.

"Dinner for me? Oh you shouldn't, you must really like me!" Hisoka declared.

On second though, maybe he's still as erratic as ever. "Nevermind, you can feed yourself." Illumi called back from the kitchen.

"Oh, Illumi, why must you be so cold to me?" Hisoka asked in a mock hurt tone. The only respond he obtained was the sound running water from the kitchen sink. The child was still busily clutching a sock in both hands trying to shake loose some cards.

Shrugging, Hisoka went back to entertaining the child, he had never interacted with someone so young before. It would an interesting new experience. Hisoka searched through one of the bags Illumi had left on the floor. He found what he was looking for and walked back to the infant, offering it a small red ball decorated with spades and diamonds.

"Here you go, I liked the design." The magician handed the ball to the infant who in return babbled happily. Grasping the ball in both tiny hands it first tired to bite it. When the infant decided it was not edible it waved the ball back at Hisoka, wondering what exactly could be done with it.

"Eeeeee-go, eee-gooo!" Assuming the infant was imitating at least the beginning of his line Hisoka took the ball back in amusement. Thus a series of passing the ball back and forth begin each accompanied with some variation of "Here you go." Eventually the child got quite good. The sounds of 'eee ou go' could clearly be heard all the way into the kitchen. If asked, Illumi would have denied any amusement he clearly felt. I always knew Hisoka was the mental equivalent of an infant.


Half an hour later Illumi came out of the kitchen with a tray laden with several bowls and cups. Grinning at the sight of the assassin carrying a tray of food Hisoka asked "So what's for dinner?"

"You are lucky I require your assistance to watch the child. I made us some fettuccine alfredo." Illumi placed the tray down on the table.

Hisoka regarded the food with some surprise. "You actually know how to cook?" The food looks decent enough, guess I might not die from food poisoning.

"I procured my own food when I am at home, so I learned how to make things with the required nutritional value." Illumi responded stiffly, placing a bowl of pasta with what appeared to be mashed up carrots and a sippy cup in front of the child. After some consideration Illumi went over to a pile of newspapers and brought them over, spreading them around the floor where the child was currently seated.

"He should be old enough to handle his own food." Illumi wrapped one of the newly bought bibs around the infant's neck and firmly clasped one of the child's hands around a wooden spoon. Much rocketing of food followed, but a surprising amount of it did make it into the infant's mouth. Aside from the newspaper now covered in smatterings of food, Hisoka's pants were also a victim of the food warfare. Hisoka was tempted to shoot some food back at the infant, but settled instead for flinging some pasta at Illumi. He was rewarded with a disgruntled glare.

"If you don't like the food you could just not eat it." Illumi nearly snapped, picking a single spaghetti strand and tossed at Hisoka. The magician intercepted the noodle with his mouth and slurped it up happily.

"I like it just fine, but I couldn't let you get away without a dirtying you up a bit. Who would I take a shower with, after all?" Hisoka simpered.

At this point the infant was content with what he had eaten and was looking for some entertainment. He started banging the spoon on the table. Being quite fond of the sound he continued clattering the spoon on other things such as the newspaper and the bowl.

When the noise was well underway and Illumi was well on his way to a headache somehow the infant managed to accidentally bonk himself on the head. Naturally, this resulted in the infant wailing unhappily as Hisoka and Illumi started looking around frantically for some ice.

"Should we call the doctor or something?" asked Hisoka as he brought ice over from the refrigerator.

"No…no, I don't think so." Illumi said uncertainly. Calm down, I've dealt with babies before, that hit didn't look THAT hard. But he isn't a Zaoldyeck, are normal babies as sturdy as Zaoldyeck babies?


End Note – Being the lovely spaz that I am, I may not continue this story anytime soon or ever. If I do continue I image Hisoka showing off the child to the Genei Ryodan (Machi will reluctantly adore the child). And if you want an end, pretend eventually Hisoka sling-shots the child out the window using his bungee gum :P