Kadaj – A Look Inside

A simple introspective piece, looking at what Kadaj is thinking throughout the FF:AC movie.

I was different from them, my brothers. We all had the same goal, to search for our mother. But they were always closer to each other then I was to them. When they fought, they were as one unit. Perhaps it is because my strength has always exceeded theirs.

They never questioned the reason for their existence. It was something which occupied much of my mind. When I was not in combat, my mind wandered back to it. So I kept fighting. Jenovah created us for her reasons. But were her reasons to become the meaning of my life? I had to find her, I had to ask her what was there for me aside from her plans. Were we all just there for Sephiroth? The brother who I never met, I hoped to never see him.

The children were abandoned for their illness, this I could see. All of them scattered around the city, like how my brother and I were separated from mother. Briefly I thought that maybe we were abandoned too, defects not living up to her ideals. If I bend these children to my will, they will be free of their pain because they will not have to think.

Why did Jenovah create me with emotions? If I was to be a mindless puppet for what would I need these feelings?

He held forth a little box and I knew he mother in his hands. As I watched my mother fall I suspected my purpose for continuing would end. I needed her to tell me that I had a life of my own to live. I took the dive.
She was silent in the black box which contained her. Why won't she answer me? Does she really not care? Am I really meant to be a mindless doll to be disposed of after Sephiroth's awakening? I could not let her be silent; I will make her answer me.
I merge myself with mother. I willed for her to decide who she saw as worthy of continuing. Sephiroth or myself?

She choose Sephiroth.

It was strange, as he took control of my body and I became him the emptiness was filled with an unparalleled rage and a sense of purpose. How could he so strongly desire something after finding out he was created as a tool too?

Sephiroth and mother left me. I was so tired. Weakly, I swung at Cloud. But instead of cutting into him as I had intended to I ended up falling into his arms. This sensation was not so bad. A woman's voice whispers to me, telling me I did not need to try so hard anymore. Mother or not, such comforting words, I never expected to hear them. I let go, and it all drifts away. Peace is the last remaining sensation I have.