A Tiresian Fate
Disclaimer - Hunter x Hunter does not belong to me, all characters and such are the marvelous product of Yoshihiro Togashi.
Notes – I do not know what brought forth this silliness. I think my brain needs a nice long vacation :P
Summary – Hisoka asks for Illumi's assistance after an unexpected change occurs.
"Illumi, I need your help!" Hisoka busted through the door without so much as a knock. Illumi was about to object to Hisoka's treatment of his door when he noticed the magician did not quite look like himself. The man was still wearing the same 'creative' outfits he would usually be spotted in, but it seemed to hang differently on his body. And the man's face, aside from the frantic look Hisoka was now giving him, it looked more fine-boned, he supposed the word 'prettier' would have been fitting. But Illumi could not quite equate that word with the man so he continued inspecting Hisoka.
"Hisoka….what is that under your shirt?" Judging from what he has seen so far, Illumi had a vague idea as to what was so agitating the other man, but it was simply too preposterous a notion.
"These," responded Hisoka as he lifted up his shirt. For perhaps the first time in his life, Illumi let his impassive mask slip and gaped at the sight before him. Hisoka continued speaking, "and as nice as they are I would like to get rid of them and get back my old body."
"You have breasts!" was Illumi's reply after sometime. Scowling himself, he resumed his usual impassive façade. "Why exactly do you have them? I know you have unusual tastes but this was something even I was not expecting. Gender never seemed to matter to you before. I never pictured you as someone who would alter your body voluntarily in such a way." Remembering something, Illumi walked over to the faucet and began filling a cup with tap water.
Sighing, Hisoka flopped down onto a couch and started explaining. "You know about my latest interest, right? The girl with the ability to alter her body however she wanted? Well, apparently she also has the power to change other people's bodies as well. While I was following her she caught onto me and changed me into what you see now. I was a bit too surprised to react with this new body so she ran off. She called me a pervert and said something like I should feel what it is like to have freaks like myself follow me around." At this Hisoka attempted what appeared to be a pout and Illumi shuddered and dumped the cup of water over Hisoka's head.
"Hot! What was THAT for?" Hisoka shook the water off like a dog wet from rain.
Illumi brushed of the stray water droplets of water which had gotten on his jacket. "Oh, nothing. I saw something on television and I though I would give it a try. Doesn't appear that it worked." Inwardly, Illumi smiled, thinking that it served the mad magician right. However, Illumi was rather displeased that Hisoka's condition ended up with the man seeking his help. "How can I help you?" Illumi asked reluctantly.
"You watch television? Well, never mind that for now, we have to find the one who did this to me! But first, I need to figure out how to deal with this body. I mean, having this body is fun at first. Boobs are definitely interesting, you want to squeeze them? But it is getting old fast, and I miss…what's missing." Hisoka sighed dramatically.
"Why exactly should I assist you in this?" Illumi asked. "I am not going to run off on some mad task just because you are asking me to." he said indignantly. He ignored the line about Hisoka asking for him to touch the breasts.
Hisoka raised an eyebrow and gave a smirk. Illumi knew the magician well enough to know he wouldn't like whatever the response was going to be. Hisoka walked over to the assassin and cooed, "Why Illumi, my dear friend, you wouldn't be thinking of taking advantage of me in my current state would you?" Without warning he dropped himself into Illumi's lap and was promptly dumped back onto the floor as the assassin bolted out of the chair.
"What are you doing! Fine, I'll do what you require of me, just don't EVER do that again, understood?" Illumi eyed the magician coldly, fighting the blush that was rising up his cheeks.
Picking himself off the ground Hisoka dusted off his backside and grinned. "I knew you'd help me. Alright, first I need to do something about these breasts. I keep walking into things with them and they aren't particularly comfortable to have. I have no idea how girls normally do it."
"How about…a bra?" Illumi dreaded the thought of Hisoka asking him to accompany him on a shopping trip.
"Ah, that actually might help! I knew I came to you for a reason. Since you came up with the idea you get to come with me, you must be thrilled!" Hisoka grasped one of Illumi's hands and pulled the unenthusiastic assassin after him towards the door.
Sighing, Illumi allowed himself to be pulled along. "Yes, I am so undeniably thrilled. Can't you hear the enthusiasm in my voice?" Illumi said dully.
"Victoria's Secret, here we come!" Hisoka said gleefully to Illumi's absolute horror.
"Can't we go some place less um…" Illumi didn't know how to describe the place Hisoka had dragged him to.
"…bawdy? Of course not, this is what woman are wearing nowadays. I assume it must be comfortable, if not at least I'll look good." Hisoka winked at Illumi mischievously.
End Note – If I ever continue this, I do not foresee Hisoka and Illumi having sex in this fic – that was just be too…strange. Although Hisoka will continue to be his rather lewd self :P
About the title – I remembered someone from Greek mythology and found the name of this person "During one of their Olympian quarrels about whether men or women get more pleasure out of love-making, Zeus and Hera turned to Tiresias, the only human who had lived both as man and woman, for a conclusive answer. When he replied that women enjoyed love-making nine times as much as men, Hera became so furious that she struck him blind."