AN: I'm sorry I've not updated this fic for a while but reviews seem to be few and far between on here nowadays so the inspiration and drive to write has seriously dwindled. But I have rekindled my love for Erik as it is now part of a C2 community (thanks for adding me!) and the good knight himself has told me more of his trials and tribulations whilst living with V and Evey.

(I will not say please review and appeal to you guys as it seems to be doing bugger all and people don't bother anyway. I mean over 800 hits and 33 reviews? Oh sod it…here's Erik.)

Erik's Requiem

Ruined Masculinity

"Having lived in the presence of little Miss Hammond for quite some time now, I have become rather accustomed to her ways, her comings and goings so to speak. She has her little rituals, whims and routines, some of which I can understand and see the need for and some which I cannot fathom out for love nor money.

For example, I fully understand the necessity in painting ones toenails, especially in the female world. Painted toenails are pretty and pleasing to the eye and they raise self esteem. Pink is particularly delightful colour, as is red and even some shades of orange. But apart from just looking nice, it has a practical purpose I suppose. I mean…if your nails are of a bright colour, then you can see them better, ergo preventing oneself from stubbing said toes on large heavy and usually inanimate objects.

I do not however, see the need for taking so many various costly vitamins and minerals! Surely if you eat the correct food types and drink as you should then you are consuming the necessary amounts of vitals the squishy human body needs? She shovels them down her neck like there's no tomorrow! They are so damned expensive too, I certainly would not be paying the amount that little Evey does! But anyway, the woman has her demands and needs to I suppose it is okay for her to have this small mercy that I cannot understand.

I have also come to understand some other things whilst living with Evey, things that I did not see the point in before and simply did not understand. Again for example, I never understood why different coloured and different types of clothing required different types of washing powder and varying types of attention…why not just use the same one for all your bloody clothes therefore saving time and money? However, I now see the sense in using a whole plethora of cloth cleaning products and washing mantras as different colours and different fabrics need different care. I mean…you wouldn't wash silk or cashmere in a machine on a sixty wash; that would be a total tragedy. And you certainly wouldn't use non-biodegradable washing powder on something so delicate like Venetian lace…oh dear that would be bad.

So you see, the little devil has taught me many things. So many things in fact, I cannot recall them all! Some of these pearls of wisdom are useful, others not so useful. I mean I will never have any need for knowing that if you use rubber gloves whilst self-tanning, you save yourself the embarrassment of brown hands later on. Very useful…just not for me. However, I was pleased to be informed that if you polish metal in circular motions rather than in straight lines, it makes the job easier and you get a more brilliant shine. Now that is useful to me!

She has provided me with an excellent insight into the weird working of the female mind and psyche. It is a place one rarely wants to venture into alone, but when invited and under close supervision, it's actually a great place to be. If only that cad was privy to what I am, he'd have more of an idea I suppose. I mean, the fool still thinks that blunt fringes are 'trendy'….oh dear…the fop is so last season. And that colour…well the less said about that the better.

She also frequently involves me in many of her daily tasks, which makes my day go so much quicker. She constantly chats to me whilst she dusts the many books, statues and antiquities of the gallery. She always dances with me after a glass of red wine or four…I find that most enjoyable, although I think I do a better job of staying upright that she does! And she is continuously dressing me in the fop's fancy hats and tweed scarves (yes he does own them he just chooses that blasted black all the time.) I enjoy the dressing up as she wears the floaty feminine outfits and the sparkly rocks she has found, and I get to wear the masculine clothes and on occasion a smoking pipe and jacket! We have fantastic adventures like high tea and scones with the queen, colourful kite flying on the common and regal black tie balls with the nobility. Yes, when that charlatan isn't around we get up to all sorts of fun and devilment you wouldn't believe!

So yes, I am quite happy to be involved to most things, I find a good portion of events and bits of wisdom to be educational at best and entertaining in the least.

However, some things I feel I know far too much about and certainly do NOT want to be involved with.

I shall explain.

Just the other day Evey was setting about gathering all the things she needed to have a girly night in. The dandy was out doing god only knows what, so the small woman decided to pamper herself. Nothing wrong with that I hear you say and I totally agree, every woman needs some self pampering…it is most vital!

So she grabbed herself some fluffy fresh towels and disappeared into the bathroom for phase one of her pampering…the shower. Now I know that this ritual takes the longest time and seems to be the most vital stage of the evening, it is the foundation of the pampering so to speak. It relaxes the body and muscles, opens the pores, prepares for other types of self beautification and is overall great fun. The regular showering time of around ten minutes is extended to over forty-five minutes of toe-curling heat, steam and product application. In the bathroom at this time, the little minx will shave, buff, scrape, exfoliate, cleanse and unclog almost every inch of her body. This will also involve an application of a very pricey sweet smelling hair mask, adding to the time.

Once she has emerged from the bathroom in a flurry of steam and white towelling, she can happily move onto phase two of the pampering…maintenance. Now this stage of the evening can involve a whole number of events, but on this occasion Evey decided to go for the full scale pampering. (I knew it was a serious session as she immediately put on the television the ultimate chick flick and pampering accompaniment…'Bridget Jones Diary'.) After cracking open a bottle of red wine and gulping a few mouthfuls, she sat cross legged in the television room with her basket full of goodies. The routine for the evening involved an invigorating Tibetan peel off face mask, a leave-in Chinese hair treatment, a full French manicure, a total foot overhaul with a luxury Swiss pedicure, full body moisturisation using Canadian almonds and shea butter, a home eyelash tint, and to top it off a teeth whitening programme. Oh yes dear readers…this was a big one.

I quite enjoy observing her going about this bizarre ritual. I find it highly amusing and great fun to watch. But let me stress…that is as far as my permitted involvement goes. But it would seem that little Miss Hammond had other plans…

I shall never forget that look in her eyes as she threw that glance over her shoulder and glared at me with those evil glinting eyes and that menacing grin.

Oh dear lord…

By the end of the evening, the one bottle of wine had become three and 'Bridget Jones Diary' had long since been replaced with 'The Sweetest Thing'. Her pampering was at an end and she was a renewed woman. Sparkling, gleaming and perfect. And she was not the only one…

Never has my masculinity been thrown into so much disrepute has it had been that fateful evening.

I too had been involved in the pampering…all of it….and I mean all of it

The face mask…oh no.

The eyelash tint…I shudder at the thought.

The French manicure…oh yes she found a way.

And… I even bring myself to say this? For you sake dear readers I shall…


My broken and shattered masculinity….will it ever be restored?"