Disclaimer: Don't own Naruto. Not making money off this fic.

Bender by Canis Black

Awareness returned slowly, and when it did the Kyuubi gave it the finger and told it to go the fuck away. When that didn't work he settled for incoherent mumbling as he forced his eyes open and rejoiced in the fact that it was dark. Until his sense of smell kicked in and he started regurgitating just about everything he'd eaten the last century.

"Nasty merciless father of all that is unholy and evil what did I do last night?" A brief pause and then, "And for the last three months for that matter?"

He wasn't expecting an answer, but he got one anyway. "You attacked Konoha."

Glancing from the tall man with shaggy-blond hair to the pile of bile and stomach acid where he noticed a number of half-digested human bodies that were vaguely recognizable as ninja the Kyuubi fought to keep from retching again. "I suppose...I did."

The blond's eyebrow twitched, but showed no other reaction. "Why did you attack Konoha?"

"That's a good question." he thought to himself, "Why did I attack Konoha?" Then he remembered something...a metal human looking thing had challenged him to a..."I was drunk."

"YOU WERE DRUNK?"

"That got a reaction." the Kyuubi thought as he backed away and placed his paws over his ears while whimpering in pain.

The blond's voice dropped, and the Kyuubi realized that it was really in for it now. "You attacked my village because you were drunk?"

"Not really..." he waffled, not wanting to admit the real reason.

The twitching eyebrow made a reappearance. "Then what does you being drunk have to do with anything?"

In a tiny, quiet voice that was totally at odds with it's large vicious looking body the Kyuubi replied. "I was coming to see if you'd let me sleep it off on your couch, but I kinda forgot to transform into a human and so these meanie ninja started throwing sharp, pointy things at me and I got scared and blew up a mountain to try and make them stop but they wouldn't stop throwing them!"

It was several long minutes as the blond human digested this and the Kyuubi calmed down. Then the human, fighting back a fit of hysterical giggles broke the silence. "So you're saying, that because a couple of "meanie" ninja threw a few kunai and shuriken at you while you were drunk you, the greatest of the Bijuu and a full-fledged God of Fire, got scared and blew up a mountain and everything went ape-shit from there?"

"But they were sharp!"

"And pointy," the human pointed out, "Don't forget that."

"Right, right! You get it!" the Kyuubi nodded its head fiercely, it's hangover almost totally gone by now.

This proved too much for the human as he fell to the water covered floor laughing for all he was worth.

The Kyuubi just shoved his paws over his head and prayed for an act of divine retribution to end his suffering.

- End (for now) -


In case you missed it, this is a crack-fic meaning that it isn't to be taken seriously. That said, there's a slight reference to Futurama in both the title and the story.

Oh yeah, feedback would be appreciated. I've got a few ideas for other crack-stories in this little continuity, but if I'm absolutely horrible at this I don't want to waste my time.