25Challenge #: September Challenge – Poker Night
Author: Heidi ( )
Title: Laying Your Cards on the Table
Rating: (G to NC-17) PG to be safe
Spoilers/Warnings: All books through Twelve Sharp
Late-November in Jersey is not exactly the cheeriest time of year. The fall foliage has already passed and the leaves are dead and brown. Most have fallen from the trees but a few ugly brown leaves remain painting Trenton lifelessly brown and depressing. The weatherman said that a cold front was moving through causing colder than average temperatures. I should have taken the ominous look of the gray sky out my bedroom window this morning as a sign that I should hunker down in bed and sleep straight through the winter. But no, I have bills to pay. If I don't get out of bed, I can't catch any skips. If I don't catch any skips, I don't get paid and my bank balance is seriously lacking at the moment. If I don't get paid, I can't buy food for Rex. What kind of a hamster mommy would I be if I didn't feed my boy!
So here I am, 11:00 a.m., covered in hot chocolate with whipped cream, but hey, at least it's warm! Of course, the fact that my skip, a wily 96 year old named Harold Weber took off down the street after dumping said hot chocolate on me left my insides feeling less than warm and fuzzy.
Harold was wanted for disturbing the peace and resisting arrest. When he found out that his favorite neighborhood grocery store of the last 75 years was closing down because a Stop & Shop recently moved in down the road, he decided to make his opinions know. Harold called Dial-a-Ride for seniors and rode to Stop & Shop. He then proceeded to strip off all of his clothes except for his moon boots (it was mid-November after all and nobody likes cold feet) and shout "Big Box Industry destroys our history. Stop & Shop sucks!" When the Trenton PD attempted to take him into custody, he picked up his two canes and swung them wildly making contact with the officers more than once before someone was able to tackle him from behind and wrap him in a blanket.
I stood up, shaking the excess liquid from my body and licked the whipped cream from my fingers. What, I deserve a treat!
I hopped into my mini, thank goodness for leather seats, and headed back to my apartment to clean up and regroup.
I stripped off my wet sweater and jeans which were now soaked in not-so-hot chocolate and sprinted for my bathroom and a scalding hot shower.
I showered and redressed in jeans and a long-sleeved black fleece pullover. I laced up my clean pair of Doc Martens and was about to head out when I noticed the light on my answering machine was blinking. I pressed play and Lula's booming voice filled my tiny apartment. "Hey white girl, haven't seen ya in a couple of days, been busy with school and cough other things. How about a poker game tonight? Tank and I were sayin' it would be cool to get everyone together. Call me!"
Hmmm, poker sounds like it could be interesting!
Lula started dating Tank, Ranger's right hand man over the summer. Tank and Ranger had shown up to help us take down the crazy old lady who ran the Pleasure Treasure Porn Shop. The old lady managed to kick Tank in the family jewels, well one thing leads to another and, go figure, Lula and Tank have been dating and meeting regularly for nooners ever since. They play it off like it's a casual thing but anyone who sees the two of them together can see that they're in love. They look at each other the same way that I saw Dave and Scooter look at one another, like they are looking at their heart. I heaved a big mental sigh at the thought of such devotion. Who me, jealous, no way!
I grabbed my genuine imitation Coach purse that I bought from Dougie "The Dealer", threw my things into it and dialed Lula while I walked to the car.
"Hey, got your message. Poker sounds like fun. When and where?"
"Well we were planning to do it at my place but when Tank called Ranger to invite him, he offered his 7th floor apartment at Rangeman. Be there at 8:00 tonight!"
"Sounds good, what can I bring?
"Just bring yourself and some money of course 'cause I'm planning to buy me a new pair of Jimmy Choos with all my winnings. Cha-ching!"
I disconnected Lula and pointed my mini towards the Shady Acres Retirement Village. Harold Weber was going down! I needed his $500 capture money to buy groceries for me and Rex and, of course, to cover my bets tonight.
I was half way to Shady Acres when I had a brilliant idea! I pulled out my cell and dialed my parents' number.
"Plum Residence."
"Hey Grandma, it's Steph. I could use your help with a capture, are you available?"
"Damn tootin' I'm available but I gotta be back by 2:00 on account of I have an appointment for a color rinse and set at the Cut-n-Curl. Who we after, some disgusting criminal? You want me to bring the big boy?"
"No Grandma, no guns, no shooting! I'm hoping to bring in Harold Weber. You know him right?"
"Oh that old fart! Yeah I know him, let me make some calls!"
I was about to say thanks but Grandma had already hung up. Wonder if she is taking Phone Etiquette 101 from Ranger, sheesh!
I swung my car around and pulled up to my parents' house about ten minutes later. Grandma Mazur came clacking out the door, down the steps and folded herself into my front seat. She was wearing a bright pink down parka that came down to mid-thigh. She appeared to be naked other than the parka, her patent leather pumps and gigantic black leather purse.
"Grandma, please tell me you're not naked underneath that coat!"
"Oh no, I bought me one of them sequin mini-dresses all the girls wear now a days. I got it on eBay. It barely covers my rump but it shows off my long legs." From where I sat it showed off her short, skinny, loose-skinned chicken legs, but who was I to argue. "I look ten years younger in this dress! I decided to wear it because I heard that Harold likes younger women! I called Doris Benson and she told me Harold just showed up at the Senior Center for their weekly High Tea Social. I thought I'd get all slutted up like you usually do and then I can lure him out the door and you can cuff him and stuff him. You know, like that Ranger fella with the nice package usually does.
I did a huge mental head slap for involving Grandma Mazur but I pointed my mini towards the Senior Center against my better judgment. Since when do I use better judgment, really?
"Ok Grandma, you lead Harold out the front door and I'll jump out of the bushes and cuff him."
Grandma waltzed in through the double doors and I think I noticed a little extra swing in her hips, ewww!
Less than five minutes later I heard the wail of the fire alarm and dozens of white-haired people flooded out the front doors. Grandma Mazur was bringing up the rear.
"What happened?" I shrieked.
"That Harold, I turned on my Mazur charm and invited him home for a good time and what does he say, he tells me sorry but he's leaving with that hussy Shirley Stevens! Hmph, she's 2 months older than me and that dress she's wearing makes her look fat! So I had to go with plan B."
"Which was?"
"I pulled the fire alarm and when Harold jumped up to make his escape, I clocked him upside the head with my shoulder bag. Of course, I guess I forgot that I had the big boy in there. I hope I didn't kill him. He's out cold!"
I ran into the Senior Center and I found Harold face-down, spread-eagle with his canes flung at his sides. He was breathing but Grandma was right, he was out cold. He also had a large egg blossoming on the right side of his bald head. I heard sirens approaching, guess there's no need to call 911!
Three hours later I walked into the Bond's Office, Harold's body receipt in hand. Ethel Murray had given Grandma a ride home so she wouldn't miss her appointment. Hey, at least she had something interesting to tell the ladies at the Cut-n-Curl.
Connie was at her desk filing her nails and Melvin Pickle, our new file clerk, was at the back of the room filing FTA folders. Lula and Vinnie were nowhere to be seen.
"Hey, are you playing poker tonight?" asked Connie in her Jersey Girl Betty Boop voice. "I really want to go but I have to attend a Family gathering in Atlantic City. I am so bummed I'm gonna miss all that eye candy, and miss the chance to see Ranger's place!"
"Yeah, I'm going. I haven't played poker since college but I used to love it. It should be fun!"
Melvin filed his last folder and eased himself onto the imitation leather sofa. "I can't go either, I've got a hot date with Nancy Walker."
Isn't that the lady with the eagle tattoo on her giant breast, the one who applied for the bounty hunter job here once?" I asked.
"Yeah" Melvin said with a far away look in his eyes and a smile that made my upper lip curl, "We're going to the multiplex to catch that new movie with The Rock in it."
Connie and I exchanged glances and finally she said "That's great, just remember to use proper movie theatre etiquette this time! Vinnie is in Point Pleasant for the weekend and I don't want to be called away from my Family meeting to bail your pervert ass out of jail!"
Connie handed me my $500 check for Harold Weber and a $20 bill. "Win big! Think of me sitting around with the Family while you're sitting around all of those fine male specimens!" Connie picked up a folder from her desk and started fanning herself.
On that note I zipped my fleece up to my chin and left the office. The air outside was cold enough to sting my face and freeze my nose hairs. It's not even December yet, it shouldn't be this cold! I cranked the heat in my mini and peeled away from the curb.
After a quick stop at the bank I was back at my apartment. I said hello to Rex, dropped a few raisins in his cage and noticed the answering machine light was blinking again. I knew I should have thrown it in the trash after the mess with Scrog was over! I reluctantly pushed the button. "Stephanie, this is your mother", duh, "What's this I hear about you starting a fire at the Senior Center? First you go and toss away your last chance at marriage and a proper life and now you're going around burning down the Burg, AGAIN! I expect you for dinner on Sunday. We're having a nice baked ham."
I put my finger to my eye in an attempt to stop the twitching and waited for the next message. It was just one word. Ranger's rich voice saying "Babe". I took that to mean that he had heard the same rumors as my mother. Still, I couldn't help the little smile that invaded my face at the sound of his voice. After Scrog shot him in my apartment, I realized, ok I already knew just wasn't willing to admit it before, but I finally admitted to myself that I was in love with Ranger. I knew that I loved Joe but I also loved Ranger and the love I felt for Joe just paled in comparison to the intensity of the love I felt for the man in black. Joe had seen it in my eyes as I watched Ranger get wheeled out of my apartment on that stretcher. The four days Ranger spent in the hospital brought about serious changes in my life, not the least of which was Joe telling me that he decided to accept a position with the NYPD. He deserved more than I would give him, hell, more than I COULD give him. I was surprised at the way it played out. There was no yelling, no accusations, no Italian hand gestures, just Joe saying that we wanted different things out of life and that we each deserved to pursue the future we wanted for ourselves. How could I argue with that? He was right. It was the most adult moment the two of us had ever shared. With one last lingering kiss and a tight embrace he walked out my door and out of my life. I mourned the loss for a few horrible days and then, after a one-sided heat-to-heart talk with Rex, I realized I was sulking and I needed to snap out of it.
Things seem to be in a bit of a holding pattern with Ranger. He once told me he could never be the base of my food pyramid. I didn't know how to break it to him, he already is, like it or not.
I went to visit him the day he came home from the hospital. I brought him birthday cake and flowers to cheer him up. I had intended to tell him that day that I love him, that I have always loved him, I had just been too afraid to admit it. But, true to form, I chickened out and things have been at a comfortable stand-still since then. Denial is my best friend. I have tamped down on my desire to share my feelings and he hasn't had anything new to say. We still share an incredible amount of sexual tension, but since we went through Julie's kidnapping and Ranger being shot, there's been a new closeness between us. I don't know exactly what's going on, but I refuse to read any further into it. We spend a lot of time together as friends and right now, that is enough. He really is a great friend.
By now it was 4:00 so I had four hours before the poker party. I decided after the day I had so far that I deserved a nap. I stripped down to my panties and pulled on a Godsmack t-shirt. After setting my alarm for 6:00, I snuggled under the covers and promptly fell asleep.
I awoke, who knows how much later, to the feeling that I wasn't alone. Since I didn't have any stalkers at the moment and I had brought in all of my FTAs, I had to assume it was Ranger. I rolled over and opened my eyes. I found Ranger, dressed all in black urban commando style, slouched in the chair by the window. He was watching me intently. A tender smile curled his luscious lips, his gaze intense.
"Yo", I said sleepily, trying to blink the fog from my brain.
Ranger didn't say a word, just rose fluidly from the chair and sat down gently beside me on the bed. I started to sit up but Ranger interrupted me.
"Don't get up, lie back down", he said. I did so and he proceeded to tuck the covers tightly around me, brushing a few stray curls away from my face. "You still have another hour before your alarm."
"What's up? Something wrong?" I asked and stifled a yawn. Ranger was stroking my hair, smoothing it away from my face, over and over again. It was incredibly soothing.
"No, just wondered if you got my message. I was in the neighborhood so I thought I'd check on you, make sure you were ok after the day you had, before I headed back to Rangeman."
He bent down slowly and brushed a gentle kiss across my lips. It wasn't an "I want to rip your clothes off" kind of kiss like they often are between us. This was different. It was sweet and delicious and seemed to be filled with emotion. I opened my eyes and gazed into Ranger's eyes. They were shining black pools in the darkness of my room.
My heart got all mushy and his tender caress, which had been easing me back into sleep, was suddenly making my Hungarian hormones do the cha-cha.
He eased away from me and said "I'll see you tonight Steph" and he was gone.
Well so much for sleeping now! I thought a couple of rounds with the shower massager were more in order.
After a longer than necessary and somewhat satisfying shower, I was cleaned, exfoliated and hair free in all the important places. I slathered on some of my green tea body lotion and stood in front of my closet in just my black lace boy shorts and matching miracle bra.
What the heck do you wear to a poker party? Black turtle neck sweater? Too conservative but appropriate for the weather. Little black dress? Maybe Lula and Grandma Mazur were willing to freeze their goodies off in the name of fashion, but I wasn't. I settled on a long-sleeved blue cashmere sweater Valerie had given me for my birthday but I had yet to wear. The shade of blue really showed off my eyes and it had a v-neck that cut low enough to show a little cleavage, but not so low that I would be chilly. I slid into my favorite pair of dark indigo, low-wasted, boot cut jeans and my best pair of FM boots. I admired myself in the mirror on the back of my bedroom door and thought "Not too shabby".
I spent the next 45 minutes trying to tame my riotous curls and applying makeup. Smokey grey eyes, plum colored lip gloss and two coats of waterproof mascara for courage. Sheesh, why am I nervous? It's just poker with Lula and the Merry Men! Yes but Ranger would be there too. That brought on equal feelings of excitement and terror. I was afraid I might do something stupid like drink too much and profess my love to him.
My stomach was starting to rumble so I made myself a peanut butter and olive sandwich on my favorite worthless white bread and washed it down with a glass of milk.
I brushed my teeth, fluffed up my hair, pulled on my leather jacket and waved goodbye to Rex.
Since the Burg girl in me would never allow me to show up for a party empty handed, I had a couple of stops to make on the way.
I pulled up to Rangeman at 7:55 and remoted the gate open. I parked in one of Ranger's personal spaces since he always seems to leave one free for me these days.
I struggled but managed to balance the case of Coronas, my should bag, the bags of treats and the bottle of red wine I picked up at the liquor store and walked to the elevator. I stood there looking at the call button and realized I had a problem, no free hand to push the button!
Just as I was about to try to use my nose to push it, the elevator doors opened and out stepped Ranger. He looked like he had just stepped off the cover of GQ. He wasn't dressed in black. He was wearing a dark grey long-sleeved sweater that clung to his muscular chest and arms like skin. His faded blue jeans looked like they were made for him, hugging him in all the right places.
When I finally dragged my gaze up to his face, I saw the little smirk on his lips and realized I was busted. I was caught ogling Ranger! I couldn't stop the blush from creeping across my cheeks.
"Like what you see Babe?" Ranger said on a smile.
"Like you really have to ask" I said stepping aboard the elevator without meeting his gaze.
Ranger reached out and took the bags of goodies and case of beer from me.
"The control room called me when they saw you had your hands full. They thought you might need some help."
"That was nice of them. Thanks for coming to my rescue before I dropped all the liquor and made a big mess."
The elevator climbed to the 7th floor. The doors dinged open and I stepped into the foyer. I was about to enter the apartment when I felt Ranger's hand on my shoulder. Turning around, I looked up into his face. He lifted his right hand and brushed his knuckles gently across my cheek. "I'm glad you're here Steph, and, not that you really need to ask, but you look great! Very sexy in those jeans and that sweater really brings out the depth of your eyes." Then he kissed me to within an inch of my life, opened the door and shoved me into the apartment.
"Hey Steph, you're lookin' a little flustered girlfriend, you feeling ok? You're all flushed", Lula observed with a smirk.
"I'm just a little overheated since I have on a sweater and a leather jacket and ya know, I carried a lot of stuff up here", I said from behind my blush.
I felt Ranger lean in close behind me and whisper "Liar" in my ear with a soft chuckle. I couldn't suppress the shiver that ran through me at the feel of his breath on my ear and the sound of his hushed whisper.
Ranger dropped the goodies off in the kitchen and came back to take my coat. He hung it in the hall closet then came back to my side. He took my hand in his and we walked into the living room where the noise level jumped about ten times higher than in the entry. The Killers' Mr. Brightside blared from the stereo, deep booming voices were debating football picks. Positioned in the center of the room was a real poker table complete with green felt and real chips, not those thin plastic ones. Tank and Hal were seated at the table talking. Lester and Manuel were counting out poker chips and Woody was standing by the entertainment center sorting through CDs. Ranger's apartment was normally calm and serene. Not tonight. Tonight it was party central. Looking around the room I was amazed. No one was dressed in Rangeman black. It almost made the Merry Men look like normal guys, almost. Just then Lula sauntered into the room wearing a red satin bustier that was two sizes too small and a pair of black hot pants that were only slightly this side of decent. She had on thigh-high black vinyl boots a' la Pretty Woman and she looked comfortable and relaxed.
"Lula aren't you cold in that outfit" I asked. To my surprise it was Tank that answered!
"It's my job to make sure the lady stays nice and hot" and he gave Lula a look that screamed "I want to rip your clothes off and eat you for lunch".
The rest of us in the room who had frozen in silence while Tank was speaking suddenly found other, more interesting things to concentrate on, clearly not wanting to touch that thought with a ten foot pole.
"What would you like to drink, Babe?"
"A beer would be great."
I followed Ranger into the kitchen. He took two Coronas from the fridge and popped the tops off. He then slid a wedge of lemon into the neck of each. He plugged the necks with his large thumbs then tipped the beers over, sinking the lemon into the bottles. He waited a minute then removed his thumbs and he didn't even spill a drop. What a man!
"Thanks Ranger" I said with a smile in my voice. He was being quite the gentleman this evening. With the beers in one hand and his other hand at the small of my back, he lead me to a seat at the poker table. He then pulled out a chair for me and slid it in as I was seated. Ranger sat down in the seat to my left and I leaned over and whispered "What's with all the formality tonight?"
"I'm just trying to show you a good time, Babe."
"Are we going to play some cards tonight or are we gonna sit around chatting like a bunch of girls?" Lester called out.
Lula and I looked at each other and then said as one "We ARE girls!"
A chuckle went around the room but everyone seemed to decide it was time to get down to business. Around the table it was me, Ranger to my left, then Lester, Manny, Hal, Woody, Tank and then Lula to my right.
Tank spoke up, again with the speaking I thought, "I think that since this poker night was the brilliant idea of my fine lady here, she should have the honor or first deal. Any objections?"
Since there were no objections Lula got right to it.
"Ok all you suckers, ante up! Ante is $5 a hand. I got a few house rules. There is no limit on the number of raises. The dealer calls the game, anything goes. If you have an ace, you can show it and trade in 4 cards instead of the usual maximum of 3 in five card draw. Ok, let's do this!
Manny and Lester, who had become honorary bankers, counted out $100 in chips to each player. With antes in the pot Lula dealt the first hand.
"Five card draw, deuces wild."
I was dealt two 2s, a 6, a King and an Ace. I bet $20. All eyes swung to me. I could tell that the Merry Men were trying to use their powers of observation to figure out if I was bluffing or not. Ranger and Lester folded, Manny saw my bid, so did Tank and Lula. The others folded. Cards were traded in. I took one, throwing away the 6. I was dealt the Queen of Hearts, yes! I bet $30. Manny saw my bet, Tank and Lula folded.
"Ok my beautiful wife, show me whatcha got baby" said Manny through a grin.
All of the eyebrows at the table shot skyward and Lula choked on her margarita, sputtering and coughing.
"Babe?"
Manny and I burst into gut wrenching laughter at the comedy of the situation.
"Ace high straight my darling husband" I said laying down my cards.
"Ooh honey, you beat my three Jacks, good job darlin'" Manny said.
Everyone but Manny and me was sitting quietly watching the exchange and waiting for an explanation.
I greedily pulled my winnings in front of me and sat down smiling, it was then I noticed the tension at the table.
Ranger did not have his usual blank face on. There were crinkles on his forehead, a vein bulging in his neck and his hands were tightly fisted.
"Oh for the love of Pete!" Speaking to Ranger I said "When Manuel was shot by Scrog and you sent me into the hospital to check on him, I had to tell the nurses I was his wife in order to be allowed in to see him. That's all. It has been a joke ever since."
Ranger released his clenched fists and the lines on his head smoothed away.
"If it makes you feel any better, I have also been Mrs. Carlos Manoso. After Scrog shot you, they didn't want to let me stay in the ICU for more than ten minutes. It was the only way I could stay with you. Luckily my friend Gail Mangianni almost always works nights. She made sure that I got in to see you and was allowed to stay all night."
A sad little smile played across Ranger's lips and he reached out and stroked his thumb across the top of my left hand.
"I don't know about you, but I could use another drink" Lula interjected. It seemed everyone felt the need to give Ranger and me some privacy because suddenly they ALL needed to get the food and drinks. "Steph you need anything hon?"
"I'll take another Corona, thanks. One for Ranger too please."
Taking my hand fully in his, Ranger said "Thank you Babe."
"What for?"
"For always taking care of me, for taking care of my men like they're your family, for just being your wonderful self. You have the kindest heart, Babe."
"You wouldn't think that if you knew the things I wanted to do to the lady who stole my parking space at the liquor store" I joked.
"No, Babe, nothing would ever change my mind. I know you, and I love you, exactly the way you are."
My gaze locked with his as he lowered his lips to mine for an achingly tender kiss. Ranger pulled back and looked into my eyes again, taking in the stunned look on my face and the glazed look in my eyes. Did Ranger just say he loves me, with no qualifier?
Before I could give it anymore thought or a response, the rest of the group bustled into the living room, arms loaded with food and drinks. Ranger gave me one of his 200 watt smiles and then turned to the group.
We accepted our drinks and I took a large plate from Lula that was loaded with corn chips and some sort of dip. I positioned it on the table between Ranger and me. To my surprise, he took a chip, loaded it up with lots of dip and popped it into his mouth, closing his eyes as he savored the flavor. "Ella's famous Touchdown Taco Dip. It's delicious" he said by way of explanation. Then he loaded up another chip and placed it into my mouth. He used his thumb to wipe some excess sour cream off of my lower lip, and then he sucked his thumb into his mouth to clean it off. The intimacy of it had me swooning and I heard someone in the room gasp, probably Lula.
"Mmmm, that is incredible! I love Ella! Do you think she will adopt me?"
We played cards until around midnight when things really started to deteriorate.
Hal was asleep in his pile of chips, Lester was gloating over winning the last three hands and every time it was Woody's deal, he tried to talk us into strip poker. Tank and Lula were so busy making out at the table they didn't seem to remember anyone else was present, never mind that they were supposed to be playing poker.
"Hey Manny, I think it's time to cash out and roll" Ranger said.
I actually ended up about $30 ahead by the end of the night. It seemed that Tank and Lula's money was almost equally distributed amongst the other 6 of us but they were too engrossed in each other to care. I heaved a huge mental sigh. They looked so happy, I couldn't help but envy them. I know that Ranger loves me and I know that I love him. Unfortunately, I also know, as he has pointed out on several occasions, that Ranger is not willing to be involved in a relationship. Sure, he wants a sexual relationship with me, he has never tried to hide that fact, but I want more. I want it all. I just wish that he would see that we could be so good together, that we ARE so good together.
I must have been staring at Tank and Lula, lost in my own thoughts for too long. Ranger's quiet "Hey" in my ear brought me back to the present.
I smiled at him a little weakly and rose from my chair. I planned to make a quick exit and escape to the safety of my apartment. I wanted to avoid any further thoughts of the "Someday" that would never come.
Ranger had other plans. He pulled me up against him and hugged me to his chest. It was then that I noticed that everyone but Tank and Lula had left. As Ranger held me, Tank called goodnight around Lula's lips as they high-tailed it out the door.
Since we were alone, I rested my head on Ranger's shoulder and just enjoyed the feel of him, warm and solid against me. The persistent beating of his heart told me that he was still alive, I hadn't lost him. My breathing unconsciously matched his and I noticed for the first time that we were swaying to the music. Ranger's hand was rubbing gentle circles on my back.
As we danced, oblivious to the world outside of the two of us, I listened to the lyrics and felt a lump form in my throat at the appropriateness of the song.
We'll do it all
Everything
On our own
We don't need
Anything
Or anyone
If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?
I don't quite know
How to say
How I feel
Those three words
Are said too much
They're not enough
If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?
Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life
Let's waste time
Chasing cars
Around our heads
I need your grace
To remind me
To find my own
If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?
Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life
All that I am
All that I ever was
Is here in your perfect eyes, they're all I can see
I don't know where
Confused about how as well
Just know that these things will never change for us at all
If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?
The song ended and a pounding dance beat filled the room breaking the spell that we had been under. I turned away from Ranger, not wanting him to see the tears that threatened to fall.
"It's late, I should get going."
"Wait, stay with me Babe."
"What?" I said turning to face him.
"I was hoping that you would stay with me. Please Stephanie. Come sit down, I'd like to talk to you" he said softly.
I tried to gulp down the nerves that were closing off my air supply and nodded letting Ranger lead me to the couch.
"Would you like anything from the kitchen?" he asked.
"Water, please."
What the heck does he want to talk about? I don't know if I'm ready to talk. I limited myself to two beers because I was afraid I would spill my guts, reveal my feelings to him. I didn't plan on talking, especially not sober. Deep breath Steph, you can handle this really. Yeah right!
Ranger returned to the room with two bottles of water. He sat down on the couch next to me, close enough that I could feel his leg warm and pressing against mine. We were angled toward each other, our knees close together. He took my left hand in both of his and said softly "Breathe Babe, there's nothing to be afraid of" and he pressed his lips to mine. The kiss was intense. Ranger pulled me up against him, his hands framing my face and he deepened the kiss, slanting his head for better access. I had one hand in Ranger's hair and the other fisted in his shirt. I found myself forgetting why I was nervous.
After long moments, Ranger pulled away, breathing heavily. He placed his forehead against mine, stroking my hair with one hand while cupping the back of my head with the other.
"I thought you wanted to talk" I said with a smile. "Not that I'm complaining or anything. That was my kind of talking."
Ranger sat back and once again took my hand in both of his. "When I was gearing up to go into your apartment, knowing Scrog had you and Julie, I was afraid. I wasn't afraid of getting shot, I was pretty certain it would come to that. But I was so afraid that I would leave this world and the two most important people in my life would never know what they meant to me. Not know that they were everything to me."
"I spent so much time keeping anyone from getting close to me, never allowing myself to get close to anyone else. I realized that I regret not being more of a father to Julie. I could have died and she never would have known that although her mother and I were never in love, that I have loved her from the moment she was born. I stayed away, distanced myself from her emotionally because I truly thought it was best for her. I loved her enough to let her go, to give her a chance for a safe and happy life."
While he was speaking, pain evident on his face, I had unconsciously moved closer to him, stroking his back with my free hand, trying to comfort and reassure him.
"And you," Ranger chuckled sadly, "when I sent you back to Morelli after our night together, I really thought it was what was best for you. At that time I was doing a lot of jobs for the government and working with some very bad people. I thought you deserved to have what every Burg Girl dreams of having, the husband, the house, the picket fence, and the kids."
I started to interject but he held up a hand and continued speaking. "I know now that I was wrong. I should have known that you would never be content living the life of a Burg Wife. But the one thing that I am sure of now, as much as I was sure then, is that you deserve a man who will give you everything. He should treat you as an equal, like the wonderful, fiery, generous, kind-hearted, beautiful, independent woman that you are. A man who would let you, no, a man who would encourage you to fly."
He continued to hold my hand in both of his, running his thumbs over the back of my hand soothingly. My right hand, which had been rubbing his back, was still but remained there. I cast my gaze down to the floor as I let his words soak in. Oh god, doesn't he realize that he just described himself and the way he treats me?
"God, I am not good at this emotional discussion stuff. It's so hard to open up after spending most of my life keeping my emotions on lockdown. I know that I love you Stephanie, that has never been in question. My problem is, I don't know where to go from there, how to make it work. I have never felt so close to another person in my entire life. It's like, when we're together, I forget who I am. I have been Ranger, the emotionally detached badass for so long that I don't know who Carlos is anymore."
He was silent for a moment and then a look of realization crossed his face. "I think I just figured something out. I think it is that when we're together, I finally see who I really am, not that I lose who I am like I had thought. When I'm with you I am Ranger, but I am equally Carlos, the man, not just the Ranger persona."
He looked at me, imploring me to say something. He looked so unsure of himself, almost stricken, very un-Ranger like. In that moment I knew that I had to open up to him. He was laying his cards out on the table and he deserved for me to do the same. Just spread your wings Steph, take the leap of faith. Ranger is encouraging you to fly.
I tried to speak once but all that came out was a squeak. I took a big swing of water and started again.
"There is so much I should say to you, so much you deserve to hear. I have never been one to admit my feelings. Some pair we are." Ranger gave me a small encouraging smile, the look in his eyes asking me to continue.
"I realized some things when I was waiting to see who was walking into my apartment that night. I knew that it would be you or Joe and I was sure that whoever walked through the door was going to be killed. I love you Ranger, I have always loved you. I understood that I loved Joe too, but the love I felt for him was not the kind of love to sustain a relationship, never mind a marriage. But the love I feel for you, god, it consumes me. It is the strongest emotion I have ever felt! I have spent the last few months coming to terms with the power of it and struggling to reconcile my feelings with your "no relationship" policy."
Ranger tried to interrupt but I pressed on.
"I love you. I love you enough to accept the friendship that you give so freely to me and be comfortable that that IS enough. If I said I love you but I expect you to change who you are for me, then I would be no better than Joe over the years. So, I am offering you my friendship, loyalty and trust always. No matter what you need, I will always do my best to be there for you. There's no price for what we give each other remember?"
Ranger grabbed me, crushing me against him, squeezing me until I could barely breathe.
"Ranger?" My question was muffled since my face was pressed tightly again his hard chest.
He pulled away holding me at arm's length. He was shaking his head from side to side, his eyes more intense than I have ever seen them.
"No, Stephanie" My heart dropped and my stomach rolled and I realized he was rejecting me, rejecting my offer. "That's what I've been trying to tell you, it's not enough. Your friendship is not enough, I've changed. It took almost losing my life to realize that I really didn't have a life at all, except for you. I was content shutting everyone out, focusing on my work, building up Rangeman, it was enough for me. But then you came into my life and completely turned it upside down. No matter how hard I tried to remain detached from you, I just couldn't do it. God Steph, I love you with an intensity that just blows me away! It makes me want to be a better man, be the best person I can be. I want to give us a try Babe, I want "Someday" to start today!"
I jumped to my feet and started pacing in front of him.
"I don't know what to say Ranger. I've spent the last several months making peace with the fact that we would never be together. Making myself understand that "Someday" would never come and that the incredible friendship we share would be enough for me. What do you want Ranger, where do you see our future going?" I was frantic, my mind was reeling. I couldn't stay still.
"I just want to be with you Babe. In the months since I was shot, I really took a good look at myself and I didn't like who I had become. I have made some important changes. I won't be doing anymore government contracts or work that will take me out of town for more than a couple of days. And I sold out Rangeman Boston to my partners. I want to be here Babe, here with you."
I stopped mid pace and swung around to face him, my arms up in the air in frustration. "No, Ranger. You shouldn't have done that! You'll wind up resenting me eventually. You should never change for me. I love you for who you are, exactly the way you are!"
"I didn't change for you Babe. I changed for ME, for the future that I want to have for myself."
Oh god, it was just like Joe said, "We all deserve to pursue the future we want for ourselves!" I stared at the floor at the sudden realization.
Ranger touched my upper arm gently and tilted my chin up until I was looking in his eyes.
"I just want to love you Stephanie, for the rest of my life. I want you to be mine and I want to be yours. I'm not saying it will always be easy, we are both stubborn and sometimes cranky but I know that together we can be so much more than we are apart. Please Babe, take a gamble, and give us a chance."
With tears silently rolling down my cheeks, I nodded my head and flashed Ranger a watery smile.
He gently wiped away my tears with the pads of his thumbs then he gave me the greatest kiss I have ever experienced in my life. It was filled with love and affection and lots of promise. It took my breath away and buckled my knees.
When we parted we shared a tender smile. My legs felt like jelly but, like always, Ranger was there to take care of me. He scooped me up into his arms and carried me into the bedroom. He placed me gently on the bed then positioned himself beside me. We lay there for long moments just drinking in the sight of one another our hands and hearts intertwined.
A little smile pulled at my lips. "Can I still call you Ranger?"
"I will always be your Ranger, Babe, always."
The song is Chasing Cars by Snow Patrol