Act 1, Scene 9

(The VonTodds's terrace in the daytime. A young woman, scarcely older than Lieanna, around 19, or 20, in a pink gown, white gloves, and long black hair sits at a table, sharing little fruits and a bottle of root beer with a black cat on her lap. She is the Baroness Eponine Thenardier, and the cat is Mr. Blik. A weird, annoying, and tone-deaf Italian man sits next to her. He is Max Pirelli.)

Eponine: I'm serious, Max. I love Sweeney.

Mr. Blik: What about Marius?

Eponine: Ok, maybe not as much as Marius, but I can't have everything, can I? How am I going to get him to propose to me?

Max: Bella Senorina Thenardier, you have-a to spend-a as much time with him as is the possible. Remember, it is harder because you are the rich-a. (sings) In all the famous love affairs the lovers have to struggle. In all the famous love affairs the lovers starve and snuggle. All these famous love affairs the public is endeared of. While lovers who are quite the rich you very seldom hear of.

Eponine: No little shack does he share with me. We do not flee from a mortgagee. Nary a care in the world have we.

Max: How can love survive?

Eponine: He's fond of balls and he owns a lot. I have a plane and a diesel yacht.

Max: Plenty of nothing you haven't got!

Both: How can love survive?

Eponine: No rides for us on the top of a bus in the face of the freezing breezes!

Max: You'll meet your goals in his comfy old Rolls!

Mr. Blik: Or in one of our Mercededses!

Eponine: Far, very far off the beam are we. Quaint and bizarre as a team are we. Two millionaires with a dream are we, of keeping romance alive!

Mr. Blik: Two millionaires with a dream are you.
Eponine: We'll make our love survive! (Sweeney enters, speaks) Sweeney, mon amour! We were just discussing your future.

Sweeney: Do I kill millions of people and take over the world?

Eponine: Uh, no.

Sweeney: Do I kill Turpin and Bamford and bring my Lucy back from the dead?

Eponine: Uh-uh.

Sweeney: Do I get to cut any throats at all out of this deal?

Eponine: Nien.

Sweeney: Don't wanna hear it.

Eponine: It's better! Trust me! (grabs him, sings) No little cold-water flat have we, warmed by the glow of insolvency!

Max: Up to your necks in security, how can love survive?

Eponine: How can I show what I feel for you? I cannot go out and-(picks his pocket) steal for you!

Sweeney: (speaks) And yet you CAN steal from me.

Eponine: Not finished. (sings) I cannot die like Fantine for you.

Mr. Blik: How can love survive?

Max: You millionaires with financial affairs are too busy for simple pleasures.

Mr. Blik: When you are poor it is toujours l'amour, for l'amour all the poor have leisure.

Eponine: Strangled by gold-plated chains are we! Shot dead on rich barricades are we! Throat-slit by capital gains are we, but we'll keep romance alive!

Max/Mr. Blik: Throat-slit by capital gains are you.

All: We'll make our love….survive!

Eponine: (speaks) So, Sweeney, my love, mon amour, is it "Eponine, will you marry me?" or "My beloved goddess Eponine! I cannot think of living without you! Will you become my wife and make me the luckiest man in the world?"

Sweeney: Cut that out, Eponine. I told you I'd marry you when I was ready. Last night. IN THE FANCY SUITE YOUR PARENTS GAVE US.

Eponine: (remembers) Oh yeah…

("Let's get it on" Plays. Stops abruptly when Nellie and the kids run on playing leapfrog. They all have new clothes made out of-you guessed it- the old curtains. Nellie has patched up her outfit and has made herself an apron out of the blue, embroidered curtains. Lieanna wears a pretty gown made of light pink, muslin curtains. Tobrich wears a pair of pants made of brown plaid curtains, and a shirt of off-white curtains with multi-colored patches. Bellisa has a new dress and hairbow made of light blue curtains, and a new apron made of white linen curtains. Cosetta's dress and hat are made of the leftover material from Lieanna's gown. Burt wears pants from the leftovers of Bellisa's dress and a shirt from red curtains. Lisa's dress is made of the leftovers of Burt's shirt. Finally, Grettie's dress and bow are made from the leftovers of Bellisa's dress and Burt's pants. They run on laughing and screaming!)

Burt: C'mon, Fraulein Nellie!

Bellisa: Yeah, it's you're turn!

Grettie: Suck! Suck!

Waffle: SPLEEE!

Nellie: OK! (leapfrogs over them all) Do! Re! Mi! Fa! So! La! Ti! Oh, Mr. VonT., you're home!

Kids: PAPA!

Sweeney: (Blows whistle) Shoulders back! In line! Go get your uniforms on! NOW! (brandishes razor, kids split)

Nellie: And who's this pretty little flower? Your eighth daughter?

Eponine: I am Frau Thenardier, Madame, and this is Mr. Blik.

Waffle: BROTHER!

Gordon: BROTHER!

Mr. Blik: Get away from me, you lunatics! I have a pistol and I know how to use it!

Waffle: (ready to cry) But you're our brother. Don't you remember?

Mr. Blik: Yeah, sure, and the bulldog from Detroit is my father, and the squirrel from Alaska is my nephew, and the gerbil from Honolulu is my grandmother. (Waffle starts to cry)

Gordon: It's Ok, lad, he just doesn't remember us. We were only babies when the Reverend Mother made Nellie split us up.

Nellie: Oh my God! You're FrauThenardier?! My favorite author?! Funny, I thought you'd look more like Frau Farbissina and Madame Thenardier.

Eponine: Frau EPONINE Thenardier. C'mon, Max. C'mon, Blikkie. (they leave)

Sweeney: What were those awful clothes my children were wearing?

Waffle: Nellie?

Nellie: Not now, Waffle. Old curtains! Aren't they adorable?

Sweeney: You mean my children have been out in public in OLD CURTAINS?

Waffle: Nellie?

Nellie: Later, dear. Yes ! And they've become quite popular!

Waffle: Nellie? (poking her) Nellie Nellie Nellie Nellie Nellie Nellie Nellie Nellie Nellie Nellie Nellie Nellie Nellie Nellie Nellie Nellie Nellie Nellie Nellie Nellie Nellie Nellie…..

Sweeney: I don't wonder.

Waffle: Nellie Nellie Nellie Nellie Nellie Ellie-Nay Nell-to-the-ie Nellie Nellie…..

Nellie: Waffle, you shut up, or so help me, I'll call Mrs. Mooney!

Waffle: Shutting up!

Nellie: Anyway, people smile and wave at them going, "There go Captain VonTodd's children!"

Sweeney: My children have always been a credit to my name!

Nellie: But they weren't! They were little robots!

Waffle: (starts doing the robot) Domo arigato, Mr. Roboto. Domo. Domo. Give it all you got-o, Mr. Roboto. Domo. Domo.

Nellie: Waffle, um, I think you should be quiet. My offer to call Mrs. Mooney still stands.

Waffle: (keeps on doing the robot) Domo arigato, Mr. Roboto-(Nellie grabs one of Grettie's old pacifiers and jams it in his mouth) Suck! (he leaves)

Nellie: Anywho, Lieanna! She's not a child anymore, dear, and if you continue to treat her like one, you'll have a mutiny on your hands! Tobrich wants to be a man, but he needs to learn from you!


Nellie: I KNOW YOU DON'T BUT YOU'VE GOT TO! Bellisa could tell you about him, she notices everything. And if you doubt BOTH of us, you can ask Gordon! Burt is a sad little boy, he's hurt the way you brush him aside, the way you do all of them! Cosetta misses her mother and thinks you don't care about her! Now Lisa I don't know about, but someone has to find out about her! And little Grettie only wants to be loved! Oh, Mr. VonT., love Grettie, love them all…

Sweeney: Enough! You will pack your things and leave immediately, or I will personally slit your throat for trespassing! And once you are gone…

(Just then, the children, Gordon, Waffle, and Mr. Blik walk on with Eponine. Eponine is carrying Grettie and holds Lisa's hand. Lieanna is playing a guitar and she and Bellisa sing the descant on the song they sing.)

Kids: The hills are alive..Lieanna/Bellisa: LALALALALA!

Kids: With the sound of screaming..Lieanna/Bellisa: LALALALALA!

Kids: Bloodshed they have sung…Lieanna/Bellisa: LALALALALA!

Kids: For a thousand years…..Lieanna/Bellisa: LALALALALA!

Kids: The sharp razor blades….Lieanna/Bellisa: LALALALALA!

Kids: And the sudden screeches…Lieanna/Bellisa: LALALALALA!

Kids: My heart imitates every noise it hears!

Sweeney: (speaks) What is this?

Nellie: The children are singing the song I taught them to sing for the Baroness!

Sweeney: Singing?

Kids: (sing) My heart longs to beat like the wings of the spirits that rise from the cellar to the trees. My heart wants to sigh like the dying GASP from a victim on the breeze! To laugh like a killer when he trips and falls over bodies in his way! To sing through the night like a drunk who is trying to pray!

Sweeney: Trying to pray. I go to the hills when my heart's macabre. I know I will hear what I've heard before. My heart opens up to the sound of screaming.

VonTodds: And I'll sing once more.

Eponine: (speaks) Why Sweeney, you never told me how charming your children are.

(she hands Grettie to Sweeney)

Grettie: Daddy!

Lieanna: Oh my gosh! Her first word!

Sweeney: I can't be nervous around you anymore, Grettie. (Frau Potts enters)

FrauP: I knew it! I knew you were afraid of her!(leaves)

Sweeney: I'm her first word! I have to tell all of my clients before I kill-er-shave them. Everybody wait for me on the couch!

(they get on the couch, Burt pulls a lever, the couch falls through a trapdoor)


Sweeney: Thank you, Fraulein Lovett, for bringing music back into our home.

Nellie: they're your children, Mr. VonT.

Sweeney: I beg you to stay. To think I'd forgotten how (sings) to laugh like a killer when he trips and falls over bodies in his way.

Nellie/Sweeney: To sing through the night like a drunk who is trying to pray! (he leaves, Eponine goes up to Nellie)

Eponine: (speaks) Well, goodbye! It was nice knowing you and your…Walter?

Nellie: WAFFLE. And I'm staying on.

Eponine: You're staying on?!

Nellie: Yeah. (exits)

Eponine: DAMMIT!
(segue into next scene)

Oh my frickin God! That was even longer than "Meet the VonTodds!" Happy birthday, The Pixess! Hope this is a good late birthday present! Sorry I'm late! Oh and please everyone, Frau wants her reviews. You don't want to disappoint poor FrauThenardier, do you?