5My beta has cleaned this up for me so it reads a whole lot better. Big props to Insane Troll Logic!
Thanks to everyone for the reviews.
I made the companion piece for this called I Guess I Loved You. That's all Max!
This story takes place during the window scene in Logan's apartment during Blah, Blah, Woof, Woof. My take on his thoughts and feelings. The song I used is by Alison Krauss and called It Doesn't Matter. A very beautiful song. I thought it was very fitting for the mood. Please R&R let me know what you think.
It Doesn't Matter
I'm staring at the rain. I wonder if she's staring at it too? I can't tell her about the surgery. I can't even tell her about the last two days of pain. I don't want her worried about me. She has enough on her plate right now. Bling's words come back to me… Maybe once you get this surgery behind you, you can go raft up with her. The whole thing gives me a migraine. If someone told me a year ago that my life would be like this I would have laughed at them and told them that the drugs must be good. But it's all true, the past six months I have felt like I've been living someone else's life.
It doesn't matter what I want
It doesn't matter what I need
It doesn't matter if I cry
Don't matter if I bleed
I told Bling that I always do the right thing. This is the right thing. Letting her go. She's not safe here anymore. I know that, hell I've always known I'm probably more of a danger to her one way or another. That's never stopped me from doing what I wanted. Maybe I'm selfish for trying so hard to keep her in my life.
It doesn't matter what I want
It doesn't matter what I need
If you've made up your mind to go
The truth is that I lied about needing her for my legs. I have a ton of associates that could have done the legwork for me. I just couldn't stand the thought of her walking out of my life and never coming back. She caught me instead, like a fish, hook, line and sinker. I just can't let her throw her freedom away because of my selfish needs. She wouldn't be happy holed up in a safe house or my apartment forever. I had to let her go with Zack. I had it all planned out so it wouldn't be messy with teary goodbyes… That's before she kissed me… So much for that thought…
I won't beg you to stay
You've been in a cage
Throw you to the wind you fly away
I thought my life was complete before she literally dropped into it. I was fighting for the downtrodden, righting wrongs, and making amends for everything that wasn't my fault. I avoided attachments, didn't get too close to anyone. It only took Max a few moments to change all of that. She sent my perfect little world into a tailspin and I loved every second of it. If someone offered me a completely fixed world in exchange for my memories of Max, I think the world would suffer. I've never felt so much passion for anything or anyone. I admit I get engrossed with my work, but once I had her in my life I actually had to concentrate on my work. I would blow up at her because I resented her disrupting this perfect little bubble I built around myself.
It doesn't matter what I want
It doesn't matter what I need
It doesn't matter if I cry
Doesn't matter if I bleed
So I did the right thing and let her go. She wanted to have me go on the lam with cynic in my head laughs at me. There were so many reasons it wasn't possible. I'd only slow her down…It's not like she cares about me like that…What good would I be to her…She has Zack, he's enough, right? I'm good at talking myself out of things. If I tell myself something enough, I will eventually believe it, it's all a matter of the convincing argument.
My heart doesn't want to be convinced.
Feel the sting of tears
Falling on this face you've loved for years
The pain has increased since I got back, and I'm not sure what else to do. I should take some pills. I'm afraid if I take the pain away there will be nothing left Without the pills, I can focus part of my mind on keeping the pain in check. Bling said to get some sleep. I don't think that is going to happen until I'm under heavy sedation though. My mom always used to tell me that praying helped to settle her mind when she couldn't sleep. I haven't prayed in a long time. I stopped believing in God when my parents were taken away from me. Maybe someone will listen if I try now. If they're listening please make sure Max is safe. I'm a selfish person and I wholeheartedly admit that, but if there is anyone who is listening, please take care of her. The self-serving part of me has to ask to please let me see her again, someday…