My first attempt at a Serenity fic. Please be nice.

So I guess I should start with the basics. Where this notebook came from, I guess. Kaylee and Inara found it on one of their ventures into town, and brought it back for me to write in. After the funeral, I guess they saw my face. It showed next to nothing, they said. Kaylee has been a little scared of me ever since… Well… since my husband Wash died. River saw them bring it back for me, and nodded.

"You should talk to it," she said. Sometimes I wonder about that girl. One minute, she seems perfectly fine and normal, everything's shiny, and the next, she's telling me to talk to a notebook with a pretty flower on the cover. Sometimes she knows everything, and sometimes she's just clueless. I can only hope Simon can take care of her. Anyhow, back to… what I was talking about.

Inara explained why she and Kaylee got it. She said that I became numb after Wash. That I wasn't truly focusing on anything because I was trying not to focus on the two people missing from our crew. That wasn't true. The fact of the matter is that I can only focus on one thing at a time, and we need to find jobs so that's what I've been focusing on; the jobs. I don't think she believes me.

So. Why they got it for me. To put it bluntly: it's because Wash died. And how I handled it. I didn't sob and refuse to battle the Reevers. I didn't kill myself because life wasn't worth living without him. I barely reacted, I couldn't. I just did the job on autopilot, and gave it my all – even if it meant going in the midst of Reevers to try and defeat them. If I made it, bonus points for me. If not… well I wasn't planning to come out alive anyways. Wash wasn't there – there wasn't much to look forward too but jobs and calling Captain "sir" all day long and having that little 17-year-old psychotic prodigy take my husband's job.

I think I'm done with this journal now. I'm going to password it. W-A-S-H.


I'm back. Maybe River was sane when she said to talk to the journal. No one else seems to be able to be talked to, if you know what I mean. They all try, but the person we all went to for talking was Shepard Book… and where was he? Not in Serenity, that's for sure. Capitan is always captitan-ing – looking for a job and such, Inara … well I don't really think anyone knows or wants to know what she does in the shuttle. Jayne is not a talking person; Simon is busy helping his sister, who is piloting, where Wash should be. Kaylee tries, she really tries to be there, but we all need her in the engine room and Simon needs her more than ever now. So… I'm left with no Wash, and this journal to try and talk to rather than him. Well, let me tell you something, you little pretty notebook. NO ONE CAN TAKE WASH'S PLACE! Oh, well this is pleasant. I am talking to and yelling at a notebook. I had better get to bed.


We got a job. I don't know the exact details; Capitan wouldn't let us in on what the cargo is. He just said, "It's better than the cows, and better than the black-market beagles." Everyone looked at me, as if expecting me to suddenly burst out in tears or something at the mention of one of my husband's jokes. I wasn't going to. A job is a job and that's what we're going to do. He just told each of us our parts. Mine is to sneak the cargo onto Serenity with Jayne. I'm glad I'm with him – he has guns. He always does, and this plan will not go smooth. I can tell. So can River, she's telling everyone to be sure to bring a purple elephant so we can always fly away without needing her to fly the ship. Simon's trying to get her "sane" again so she can fly well enough to get us out of there if need be. I had better bring a gun, too, I bet. Shiny. Job's being done tomorrow.

Sleep sounds good right about now. I can't think when I'm asleep.


I can't sleep. His face keeps haunting me. He is still there – just there on the other side of the bed, making jokes. I turn over to hug him, kiss him, and he's not there. It breaks my heart every time. This job tomorrow – it might hold and opportunity. No one needs me anymore. Capitan can take Jayne or Kaylee on jobs instead of me. He took Wash once – he should be fine without me. I could just… slip?

What am I thinking? I'm not one of those people who go killing themselves just because someone they loved died. That was just a tale from Earth That Was – nothing real. I am doing my part of the job tomorrow, and that's that. No… no purposefully getting killed.


Job didn't go well. Nothing more to say.


I found this journal – the one Inara and I gave to her – right beside her. She just didn't wake up…. That's all. None of anyone can figure out what's wrong – not even Simon, and he's a doctor. Well, I guess she already said that here. Well, Zoe just don't wake up. Simon says it's a coma, but what from? Just… no will to wake up no more? I can't imagine that. Why'd she have to be asleep and…. Stay like that? It's a little creepy. Like it could happen to any one of us at any time. We all lost wash, not just her. But she just went and… slept. All quiet. I'll put this notebook with her, maybe it'll help.


She won't wake up. She doesn't want to. She will just… keep sleeping. Forever. Just like a princess. Goodnight, princess.


Okay I tried. Let me know what you think, okay?