Disclaimer: The YnM characters do not belong to me
Summary: Hisoka muses on the two most important connections in his life. There's some stream of consciousness.
The two men who are most intimately connected to me plague my daily thoughts. The one is completely unwanted but because of my curse I cannot rid myself of Muraki's intimate tie. He forced that unwanted connection one night when I was 13. Mundane thoughts run through me about that night, especially when the red curse marks flare up all over my body. Once, it occurred to me that Muraki didn't use a condom and that lead to other thoughts such as does he ever use condoms with his victims or was it just me. He obviously wasn't expecting to have sex that night so why would he need to bring one? Then again, there was that woman but did he do anything with her? I don't know and honestly, I don't want to know. He could have given me a disease but he didn't so he must have been clean. I wish I wouldn't think about matters such as that. It's unpleasant enough to have to relive that experience in my dreams.
He took my virginity and that's something I will never be able to give to the one special person in my life. Ugh, now I'm sounding like a girl. There's no point in dwelling over this when I can't do anything about it. I wonder how many others have lost their virginity to him. Or am I the only one? Somewhere deep, deep down in me, I wonder if secretly I hope I'm the only one to have that honor. Unbearable shame swells up from the bottom of my heart every time I awaken from that dream. It's a confession I know I'll never speak out loud but for one moment, one tiny moment, I enjoyed what Muraki did to me. In that brief moment I was actually wanted; yes, he only wanted me for sadistic pleasure but it was still want. I couldn't remember the feel of being wanted before Muraki took me. My heart keeps telling me it's because of my empathy synchronizing with his emotions that I felt something in that fleeting moment. I know that I could never come to terms with having that feeling. There will always be apart of me denying it, scolding myself for being able to have accepted any kind of pleasure from that monster. The shame only goes away when a certain violet eyed man fills my empathy and my heart with his presence.
Tsuzuki, my other intimate tie; the only intimate tie I truly want. I can't describe the bond between us but I know I became aware of it when we were in Kyoto. I jumped into the burning building to see Tsuzuki staring out blankly and as I called out to him for the barest of a moment I saw a red thread connecting me to him and then it vanished but I felt that it was still there. No, cross that, it was always there. I only realized it in Kyoto: I'm in love with Tsuzuki. I firmly told him that I would never leave his side again and I meant it. I held his hand when he was still unconscious from Touda's flames, refusing to let go even when Watari and Tatsumi tried to force me to get some rest. They only succeeded getting me into the infirmary bed after Watari drugged my tea and I was foolish enough to drink it. I woke later to find Tsuzuki staring at me with those beautiful purple eyes. They were shining brightly, so unlike the time in Kyoto. At first we didn't talk about what happened and those vows I declared to him in the fire. Slowly, we began to discuss them after I admitted that I meant those words. It was then that we knew there was something between us that could not be ignored; we didn't want to ignore it. About a year after the incident we became lovers. I thought that making love would be a terrifying and intense experience but I was wrong; it wasn't terrifying at all but it was intense. God, our first time (and every time after that) was so incredibly intense and passionate I thought I would pass out. Well, actually, I did black out when Tsuzuki and I slept together. Tsuzuki always kept a strong hold over his feelings and thoughts, rarely ever letting me in. I become so frustrated when he won't share anything about himself yet he knows everything about me. I know he feared that I would find out about his dark side but new flash: I already know about it. His light and dark sides are what make him human; I hope that one day he'll come to terms with that. Tsuzuki only began to truly let me in when we became lovers. He has no self control when we make love and all his emotions seeped into me. We literally became one as I had no idea where Tsuzuki's emotions ended and where mine began.
"Oh, Tsuzuki!" I gasped out as he thrusted his hips into mine. I clasped onto his shoulders, my nails clawed into his skin. The bed creaked and moaned at Tsuzuki pounding into me.
"I-it's alright Soka," Tsuzuki murmured, his purple eyes glazed over in passion.
"I know. Feels good," I said, knowing I sounded incoherent.
I raised my hips to meet his and spread my legs out further so Tsuzuki would have better access. He seemed to have appreciated that since he sped up his thrusting and soon we were in a perfect rhythm; our bodies flowed together in a sensual dance. I felt like Tsuzuki was not only becoming apart of me physically but mentally as well. His emotions and mine became intermingled as our ardour intensified. I pulled Tsuzuki's head down for a kiss, pouring out all my love for him to feel. Tsuzuki returned the favor and threaded his fingers through my sweat soaked hair, keeping my head still as he plundered my mouth.
"Uh, oh, Tsuzuki, I'm going to come," I panted, feeling my belly tightening up.
"Go ahead, Baby," Tsuzuki was also panting. He looked like he was going to come to.
I didn't need to be told twice. I screamed out my orgasm and my seed spilled out onto my chest and belly. Tsuzuki pumped his body against mine and I knew that he was going to climax soon. I didn't think it was possible but his emotions kept building up as was his orgasm. He reached his pinnacle and climaxed, pouring all his seed and emotions into me. I saw the red ties connecting us again then darkness swept over me.
Three days later I woke up in the infirmary to see violet eyes looking at me with concern. I reached up to touch Tsuzuki's cheek, silently telling him that I was alright and not to blame himself or I'll give him a kick in the head. Tsuzuki simply smiled at that. Then Watari appeared beside Tsuzuki, grinning. No, strike that, he was smirking. I blushed, realizing he knew full well what caused my three day coma. I'll never hear the end of this.
Hours later I was released from the infirmary with Tsuzuki by my side, wanting to make sure I got home alright. Watari made a smart ass remark to Tsuzuki about going easy on me. Poor Tsuzuki blushed even harder then me. I yanked Watari down by the hair and hissed into his ear that if he spread around about what happened then I would tell Tatsumi about his secret experiments. Watari simply laughed and patted me on the arm, saying that I should go home.
Tsuzuki and I walked up to my front door and stood there silently. I stared into his eyes, finding myself hopelessly drowning in liquefied amethysts. Without saying a word, Tsuzuki took my hand and together we walked into the house.