Disclaimer: I own nothing!

Doug Goes Bad

by Needles

It was a normal day at Bluffington School. Doug was at his locker daydreaming about Patti Mayonnaise.

"Oh Patti," he moaned. "You are the hottest thing I ever saw. With that pencil shaped body and that basketball-shaped head." Doug had a tent in his pants while moaning. His moment was ruined when Skeeter walked up behind him.

"Hey Doug. Honk honk," Skeeter said. Doug was pissed. It's happened before, but Doug always kept his cool. Doug and Skeeter walked to class.

They were sitting in class as Mrs. Wingo went on and on about only God knows what.

"Alright class, for our homework for tomorrow is a 100 word essay on Wuthering Heights," said Mrs. Wingo. Wuthering Heights is the most boring book anyone can ever read. It is almost impossible for a sixth grader to even write 50 words about it.

Later that night...

Doug was in his room trying to work on his essay. He only finished seven words. Porkchop left a turd in Doug's room. Doug finally lost it. "I'm so sick of your crap, Porkshit," Doug shouted. He then kicked Porkchop. He then got distracted and started daydreaming about Patti again. He made a doodle of Patti in a one-piece bathing suit. Little did he notice, he doodled on what was supposed to be his essay paper. How he wanted to date her. But he never had the courage to ask her out. Aw, screw it!, he thought. Doug then walked over to Patti's house and snuck in through Patti's window. He went into her room and closed the window. Patti was sleeping. Perfect, he thought. He heard the door open. It was Patti's dad.

"Hey, Doug," said Patti's dad. "I didn't see you come in."

"Well, Patti needed help with her homework and she fell asleep," said Doug.

"That's nice of you, Doug," said Patti's dad.

Patti's dad left the room. Doug got into bed next to her. "You wanna have sex?" asked Doug. Patti just sighed in her sleep. Doug just thought, What the hell. Doug removed her clothes. He then removed his pants and got really hard. He then stuck his small, hard penis into Patti's butt. He thrusts it back and forth as he moaned. But lucky for him, she stayed asleep. He took it out and ran back home before sunrise.

The next day...

Doug went downstairs and had his breakfast. He then darted out the door and went to school. he wanted to tell someone he had sex with Patti, but who? Skeeter was the only kid in school who knew about Doug's crush on Patti. He went up to Skeeter's locker and decided to tell him the big news.

"Yo, Skeet. I had sex with Patti last night," he said. Skeeter was in awe.

"She said yes when you two aren't even dating?" asked Skeeter.

"Actually, she was asleep. And I just did it with her. But she never said no, so it's okay," said Doug.

"No, dude. No. She was asleep," shouted Skeeter.

"But..," started Doug.

"No. Doug, what you did was rape. You raped Patti," said Skeeter. "Honk honk." (1)

Roger and his gang came up. His gang consisted of Willy, Boomer, and that one kid with the big eye and the gay hair.

"Hey Valentine," said Roger. "Did you just say that someone raped Patti?"

"Yeah. Doug had sex with Patti without her permission," said Skeeter.

"Way to go, Funnie," said that kid with the ass-shaped hair. Boomer high fived Doug. Willy slapped Doug on the back.

"Hey Everyone," shouted Roger. "Doug Funnie had sex with Patti."

Unfortunately, Patti got the news. She went up to Doug.

"Doug, how could you tell such lies about me," said Patti. "Doug Funnie, you're terrible."

Now Patti and Skeeter are mad at Doug and he has no friends. He walked into the classroom when Doug got called to the office. That means Doug has to see the meanest man alive, Mr. Bone. Or as Doug liked to call him, Mr. Boner.

In Mr. Bone's office...

"Well well well. Mr. Funnie, it seems that there's a rumor that you had sexual intercourse with a Miss Mayonaisse," said Mr. Bone.

"I did," said Doug. "When she was asleep." Doug had it with being nice and staying out of trouble. He doesn't care what happens. Nothing can stop him now.

"Well, I just called your parents," said Mr. Bone. Doug's parents came in.

"Douglas Yancy Funnie, explain yourself," exclaimed Mrs. Funnie.

"We are very disappointed in you, young man," said Mr. Funnie, sternly.

Meanwhile, Mr. Bone was laughing his ass off.

"You think this is a laughing matter?" asked Mrs. Funnie.

"His middle name is Yancy," said Mr. Bone between laughs.

Later at home...

Doug is detained in his room. He is not allowed to come out. Not even for the bathroom or for school. Doug's sister, Judy, barged in to his room.

"Doug, there's someone at the door for you," she said. Doug got out of his room and ran downstairs to answer it. It was the cops. His school called the cops on him for his crime. The two policemen took Doug and handcuffed him. The cops brought him to Juvenile hall, where he has to spend the next twelve years.

Doug is now doing time in jail for rape. Patti and Roger hooked up and became a couple through Jr. high and high school. Since the Funnies did not want Porkchop, he was put to sleep.

(1) - It is from some funny comic strip I once found on the Internet.