TITLE: My violets, For remembrance

CHAPTER: My License to Liquor

DISCLAMER: I do NOT own 'Scrubs'

CHARACTERS: JD kinda sorta OC and Entire cast

SONG: Brand New's "Millstone'

AN: so I am finally starting to look at my Halo again. Its painful and eck. I just want it to sort itself out in my brain and pour out on this damn keyboard so I can be rid of it. Just BLEH.


I used to be such a burning example,
I used to be so original.
I used to care, I was being careful.
Made sure I showed it to those that I love.

The ride to my apartment was silent. I knew Turk wanted to say something, but couldn't figure out what. It was kind of annoying. And yet I couldn't think of anything that I could say either. What a hypocrite. When we got to the apartment the sun was setting in brilliant hues, red and pink clouds and an orange sky morphing into a blue so deep that seemed to herald in the night.

The brick in the back of the building had long shadows cast from one of the neighboring fire escapes. I knew this perspective was thanks to Violette. I didn't really know how to look at such beautiful things before and appreciate them.

She had given me so much in our short time.

I had to go inside now and start organizing the life we had together and I had to start packing it away, so that it would be over. I only hoped that the autopilot I had been functioning on would take over for the entirety of it. As we walked up to the back entrance I noticed the smashed bottles near some burnt looking brick. It glinting momentarily like it was supposed to be some beautiful shining thing, but it was just a broken bottle and a few black bricks. I took out my key and I entered, leaving the door open while Turk shuffled in behind me. I really didn't want him to be here. I wanted to be alone. I wanted to savor the apartments unknowing state, and pretend for a few minutes that she might burst in through those doors.

I walked past the three bags filled with shredded paper from the bookstore and began treading upstairs. When I got to the door, I turned to Turk, not meeting him with my eyes.

"Could you uh…just give me..Just a couple minutes?" There was a moment's silence his hand rose up and rested on my shoulder.

"Sure buddy." I nodded and turned back around and unlocked the door. I let the smell of paint waft over me. The memories of this morning awakening more vividly than before. Makes sense I supposes. Sense of smell is the sense most linked to memory.

I walked in turning on the lamp but no the overhead. The overhead light always reminded me of more energetic, happy times. The lamp always left me with a sense of calm. I walked into the kitchen. The plates from this morning still littered the counter. I didn't dare touch anything; I just looked as if I were in some sort of exhibit.

The tabby cat she had liberated from the alley next to the hospital ran up to greet me.

"Hey cat." I ignored its hungry mewling and walked over to the kitchen counter and poured out a cup of food for the poor orphan. I had completely forgot about the cat. Violette would never have forgotten about the cat. She thought he was precious and she cared for things like that.

The cat was yet unnamed so we just called him 'cat' for the past few days, but I had a feeling that even if… Even if we had the opportunity to name him he would have remained just 'cat'

I was committing everything that she touched to memory. My feet took me to the bedroom. The scrubs she wore while she panted and slept lay discarded on the bed. I walked up to the nightstand and picked up the rings she took off too paint. My hand automatically reached out and pulled her pillow up to my face. I breathed it in.

Her soft sandalwood scent filled my senses. I sat down next to the bed, still holding her pillow to my face. I heard the door open and there stood Turk. I slowly pulled down the pillow and raised my tortured eyes to his.

"Hey brown bear lets go get shit faced tonight."

"All right man. Lemme just call Carla and them. Let them know. See if they want to come out with us."

"Yeah. I have to call Mike." I reached up to the nightstand for the phone. My shaky hand knocked it to the floor; I picked it up and flipped through the saved numbers. Turk closed the door as he left.

I like mike. The first words he had said to me were "if you hurt her, I will slit your throat." I thought that was reasonable and I agreed to the arrangement. I wondered now if he would go through with it and then I felt sorry for him, if he got caught.

I deserved a lot worse than a severed aorta. I sent the call through and listened to the other line ring.

"Hello?" The voice sounded distant and shaky, did he already know?

"Mike." I paused, not knowing what to say. I heard a sigh on the other end.

"JD?" I nodded and then shook my head at the notion.


"The hospital called JD. They told me everything. I know you did everything you could." His voice was soft and it cracked several times.

"I'm so sorry mike." Why wasn't my voice cracking like his? Why wasn't I as shaken as he?

"JD stop. There wasn't anything you could do. Look I know you meant a lot to Violette and I know that you must be pretty tore up right now." I wanted to throw up. Why was I so calm?

"We are having the funeral there. I will be flying out tomorrow. She loved it there, and I know she would want to be there forever. I talked to some guy, Dr. Cox was his name. He said that you were really shaken up. How are you holding up?" I wanted to throw the phone across the room. Why was he dealing with this and why was I failing so miserably. He should be the upset one, She was family. And why was my heart so cold now?

"I…I'm fine."

I used to sleep without a single stir,
'Cause I was about my Father's work.

"Well look Dr. Cox said he could pick up our great aunt Sara. I think Violette really would have wanted you to meet her. I know we have only talked a couple times but JD I really am glad that you and my sister met. I've never known her to be more happy."

My teeth felt numb now. I thought I should be crying right now, I should be feeling something, I was Mr. Sensitive after all. What is wrong with me?

"Thanks Mike. Do you need a ride from the airport?"

"No, Her boss at the photo lab is going to pick me up. We are going to stay at the Ramada."

"Don't do that. We… I've got room here."

"Yeah but."

"I insist." There was a pause.

"Ok JD. I will be there around 8 pm tomorrow. I have to go. You take care."

"Yeah, Mike, I'm…. I'm sorry."

" JD… Hang in there, bye"

"Bye." I slammed down the phone. Why wasn't he angry with me? I wanted him to be ragingly pissed at me. I wanted him to follow through with his promise that he made from the first time we met.

The door slowly opened and Turk was standing there.

"Hey man," I turned my head imagining that it made a wooden creaking noise, as I was sitting lent against the bed, hands on the floor laying palms up. I was nothing but a shell. A very cold, wooden, or metal doll. My eyes met him and they were as cold and indifferent as my end of the phone conversation moments before.

I blinked and registered that it was a friend standing there.

"Are we going out tonight?"

"Yeah man when ever your ready."

"I'm ready lets go." I pulled myself to my feet, I felt like I was doing an impression of the scarecrow.

Turk held out my jacket I grabbed it and walked past him.

Well Take me out tonight,
The ship of fools I'm on will sink.
A millstone around my neck,
Be my breath, there's nothing I wouldn't give.

I used to pray a God was listening.
I used to make my parents proud.
I was the glue that kept my friends together,
Now they don't talk and we don't go out.

I walked into the bar and followed Turk over to where Dr. Cox was sitting. I sat down and Turk sat beside me.

Dr. Cox pushed the glass of whiskey in front of me. I wrapped my hand around the glass and guzzled it down. The liquid only burning slightly less. The warmth blossomed in my gut and started to spread I quickly ordered another.

I could feel the gazes of the two men beside me jab into my skin like they were fishing for something and I was a lake.

I just wanted to get drunk and go home and sleep.

"I talked to her brother today. He is coming out tomorrow and so is his aunt." Dr. Cox said and turned away from me. I stared into my glass. I wanted to throw it at him. And scream that she was Violette's aunt too. And I wanted to scream and pullout his hair for taking all the fight out of Mike.

Instead I took the last bit of whiskey and downed it.

I wanted so much to scream out and beat them both into the ground for just being there. Oh, I am a horrible, terrible person.

I ordered another drink and downed it.

"I also called your brother."

"What1?" My head shot around so fast I knew it would hurt later.

"Dan will be here by Wednesday." I slammed the empty glass down. And ordered another drink.

"Hey man maybe you better slowdown." I didn't turn my head I just regarded him through the corner of my eye with malice, as I downed the next. I was warning him to stop. I didn't want them here any way.

"Why are you two here?"

"Because it's not safe to get shit faced alone." I snorted into my empty glass. I set it down and pulled on my jacket.

My stomach and throat were a tingling mass of warmth. I didn't want to deal with this.

"You should get home to your baby and wife Turk and Dr. Cox, we all know you would rather be anywhere else so, I'm going home." My jacket was kind of on, as I stood to leave. I had had enough of this shit.

I used to know the name of every person I kissed.
Now I made this bed and I can't fall asleep in it.

Take me out tonight,
The ship of fools I'm on will sink.
A millstone around my neck,
Be my breath, there's nothing I wouldn't give.

Throw me that lifeline,
The ship of fools I'm on will sink.
A millstone around my neck
Be my breath, there's nothing I wouldn't give.

A hand on my shoulder stopped my exit.

"You go on home Gandhi. I got little miss drama queen over here." That was it, I clumsily swung at him but missed completely almost tumbled over When Dr. Cox caught my errant fist and through me over his shoulder fireman style.

I heard a couple sniggers from the bar as Dr. Cox carried me out of the bar. The odd pov made my head swivel and sway; it was starting to make me nauseous. I almost wanted to throw up all over Dr. Cox.

I heard Turk in the distance. He sounded pissed.

"Go ahead laugh but his girlfriend just died…." I shook my head, Turk gave Carla a lot of crap about being a gossip, but sometimes he was just as bad.

Suddenly we were outside and the cold air hit me like a slap across the face. I pounded on Cox's back.

"You can put me down now." He didn't answer we continued on walking and I grew more and more nauseous. "I'm gonna throw up if you don't put me down."

"Good, maybe you will get some of the alcohol out of your system." I laughed. I heard the car door open and he finally set me down only to push me into the passenger seat and reach over to buckle me up. He made a point of putting my arms under the seatbelt. Dirty bastard. I stared at him in amusement. But didn't fight him off.

He slammed the door and walked around to the other side of the car and got in. After he started it, he immediately cranked up the heat. I protested.

"Don't. I like the cold." The words were out before I could register what I had said. He looked at me for a long minute and snorted.

I said nothing else as we made the two-minute drive to my place. I stumbled up and unlocked the doors. Noticing that the shredded paper in the hall was now gone. Just like that it disappeared.

I froze in my steps staring at the empty spot in the hall where the trash bags just where. I almost wanted to go out to the trash and retrieve the discarded paper and throw it up and down the halls.

Instead I trudged up the stairs, this time Dr. Cox following close behind.

"You can go home I'm fine." He didn't say anything he just raised his eyebrow and looked at me. I ignored him and walked into my apartment. I threw my coat onto the couch and headed for the freezer, I pulled out the bottle of vodka, unscrewed the cap and swigged.

"Slow down there, Noob."

"Said the alcoholic." I grabbed the appletini mix and held it for a minute in my shaking hands. I walked over to the sink and fumbled the cap off and started pouring it down the drain.

When it was empty I threw it into the sink. It broke, but it did not shatter.

Then I turned on him. I wouldn't back off just because he was looking at me sadly.

"What did you say to Mike?"

"I just told him That Violette was dead."

"That's not all you told him. You said something else. You said something so that he would forgive me!"

"Your angry about that? I just said that you were upset." I scowled and just stood there.

"What the fuck Perry why don't you just leave? I don't want you here."

"I think you might need me here." I walked up to him quickly.

"You don't know. You don't know who she was! You have no reason to be here. YOU didn't know her."

"I knew her a little and I know that she mattered to you and I know that she wouldn't want you to act like this." I swung at him. No reason. I only succeeded in scuffing the top of his head he grabbed the other rapidly coming fist and stopped my rampage. I ripped my arms away and headed for the door.

I slammed my fist into the wall as I opened the door and ran out down the stairs pounding on each step and out the back door. I could hear him behind me but I knew I was faster.

I headed for the street. I didn't know where I was going but I know the road is how you get there. I felt someone grab the back of my shirt as I ran, it tripped me up and I fell. My chin hit the ground zinging my teeth as they clashed together. I fought off the hands that were trying to pull me up, till I was finally hoisted to my feet.

Dr. Cox dragged me back to the apartment, an Iron grip on my arm. I stumbled after him. My mouth and chin still shooting signals to my brain. I glimpsed the back of Dr. Cox's neck and I could tell his teeth were clenched. And he was resisting the urge to start a rant.

I wasn't thankful for it.

Never hit the brakes
There's no time to save him,
He's run out in the street
Anybody know his name?
I think I recognize him
(Sure it's him?)
He's made from our mistakes


So take me out tonight.
The ship of fools I'm on will sink.
A millstone around my neck.
Be my breath, there's nothing I wouldn't give.


AN: I am a samurai. Your reviews would give me much honor.