20Disclaimer: I don't own FMA or any of the characters; otherwise I would have Ed and Roy having hot man sex on Roy's desk, couch, in the closet, bed, etc. every day and invite me there to film. And then they would cuddle. (-Collective AWWWW-)
A/N: This is the result of when I'm depressed and lonely. Um…yeah nothing else much to say. Please read and review! I apologize for any mistakes, I thought I proofread but of course there's always something that I'll miss…
Fall to Pieces
My name is Edward Elric, also known as the Full Metal Alchemist.
I am twenty one years old and I work for the military.
I have a brother, Alphonse, and a mechanic, Winry, both of whom care for me very much.
I'm famous and smart, and usually, after putting up a fight, get what I want.
Sounds like the perfect life, right?
Wrong. I forgot to mention two little things that put a damper on my situation.
I'm short. This is a big problem for me. I can't see over things sometimes, people mistake me for a PIPSQUEEK OF A KID and not to mention the excessive amounts of teasing material this gives people.
I'm in love with Roy Mustang. Note the Roy name. Note that it's another man's name, and also note that he is my superior officer, older than me, and a cold hearted bastard. This is the biggest of my problems.
So why do I love him? Um, don't ask me. He's the complete opposite of me. He doesn't care whether I live or die, has no emotions to be seen, and did I mention that he's generally a cold hearted bastard? Because he is.
I don't remember what actually sparked me to even thinking I was attracted to him, after all, like I said, we're very different, and both men. I should love Winry, who cares for me, is tender, loving, and really wants me to be happy. Instead, I find myself pining for a man who I usually would rather kick in the balls than kiss.
But then there's his pure black hair that shines when he steps into the sunlight, his rare smile, and the way his ass looks in his military pants. DAMN. That's hot.
Actually, now that I think about it, the night when I started falling for him was probably the night when I had to stay overnight at his apartment after coming back late during a snowstorm from work. That was probably the only time I ever saw him show any caring or emotion, and I absolutely clung to the idea.
Occasionally we go on work trips together, and I get to see different sides to him, all sides that I seem to fall in love with, no matter how heartless he is, and how much of a man-whore he is. I might even go so far as to say that we've built up some kind of dysfunctional friendship. Sort of. I feel comfortable around him, and I can talk to him about things that I wouldn't talk to other people about. Sometimes we even have intelligent conversations without trying or wanting to kill each other. I savor those times.
I don't like to admit it, but I'm actually a very needy person. I want to feel loved, want to know that I'm loved, and want to feel someone's arms around me as they assure me of these things. But I have never known that, and probably never will.
"Fullmetal?" He looks up from his desk as I come into his office. It's been a while since I've realized what I feel about Roy, and I haven't been dealing too well. But today I came to his office for a reason, not like the times when I lurk around just to see him at work. He looks sexy when he concentrates.
"DAMMIT ALL I WANT IS MY OWN HOUSE AND I CAN'T EVEN HAVE THAT!" I scream, launching myself at his desk and slamming my hands palm down on the table. I wince as he does, shaking my hands and muttering a slightly pained 'ow' under my breath.
"What the hell are you talking about?" He asks calmly. Of course, he's the essence of calm, cool and collected, unlike me.
"WINRY!" Was all the answer I gave.
"Care to explain?"
"WINRY! MY BROTHER'S GIRLFRIEND! SHE'S COMING TO VISIT TODAY SO THEY DON'T WANT ME STAYING AT THE HOUSE TONIGHT SO THEY CAN FUCK IN PEACE!" I screech in a high pitched octave that I tend to reach when I'm angry or upset.
He smirks, and of course that doesn't help my mood.
"DON'T SMIRK AT ME BASTARD! WHERE AM I SUPPOSED TO SLEEP? ITS ALL YOUR FAULT!"
"Of course it's not my fault. And are you looking to stay at my house? Because if you must you can for ONE NIGHT. Don't get any ideas." He says curtly.
Darn it. I was getting ideas, ideas about Roy and me staying together, sharing a bed, kisses, and all other things that would make me so happy. But I knew it was never to be.
"Get ideas? What for? You think I want to stay with you?" I retort, to cover up in case there was a crestfallen look on my face. I didn't think there was, but I just wanted to be sure.
"If you want to stay, follow me now or forever hold your peace." He says. "I have to finish up some paperwork, so I'll come get you when I'm done." He says by means of dismissal.
"Um…I'm done…can I just stay in here?" I ask, hoping that wouldn't rouse any suspicions. He does give me a slightly strange look, but then shrugs.
"Yeah, okay. Just don't bug me." He says, and I settle into one of the comfortable armchairs in his office to take a little catnap.
All of a sudden, I'm being woken up by Roy physically shaking me.
"WHAT THE?" I start up, flinging him off me. But it seems like I can still feel his hands on me, wishing they could stay there forever.
"You were asleep." He says as if that's an explanation.
"I know ASSHOLE! And very peacefully too until you had to wake me UP!" I scream, very perturbed. He simply shrugs and starts towards the door.
"You still coming?" He says, and I have no choice but to helplessly follow as my heart walks out the door. "We're leaving…" He says to Riza as we pass her office. She gives us a questioning look but Roy is already out the door and I'm following him.
"I hope you don't think I owe you anything now." I mutter as he gets in the front seat of his black Audi 3000. "Nice car…" I continue under my breath as I let my fingers travel up and down the dashboard and console.
"Yes, I just got it a few weeks ago. Quite expensive." He says somewhat pompously and I roll my eyes at the ceiling. I stretch out and put my boot clad feet on the dashboard, crossing them luxuriously.
"Get them off. Now." He glares at me, and I glare back before slowly uncrossing my feet and putting them on the ground. Just because I'm completely enamored of him doesn't mean he can't be as annoying as hell sometimes. Well, a lot of the time.
I stare out the window, and I have to remind myself to keep looking out the window instead of watching him get lost in his own thoughts. It was one of the rare times I saw peace on his face. Or, what would come close to it.
Half an hour later, we arrive at his apartment building. I stumble out of the car and follow him like a lost puppy up to his third floor apartment. I try to savor every moment, trying not to think of how wonderful it would be if this was the norm, if I went home with him every day, if we were together. I must've been looking particularly melancholy, because he looked down at me with an interested look.
"Dammit Fullmetal, don't look like someone just killed your dog." He says as I follow him in. I sigh, not having realized that my mood was so easily read.
"What do you want for dinner?" He asks as he goes into the kitchen. "And take your shoes off, I like things to be neat." He says. "Ramen okay?"
"RAMMMEENNNNNNNN!" Is my answer from the foyer. I love ramen.
"Ramen it is then." He says as I come into the kitchen. He has a nice apartment, and I could see making myself at home here. It smells nice, like Roy. I quickly decide that this is my favorite smell in the world.
I climb onto one of the bar stools that he has around an island in his kitchen in place of a table.
"Aren't you going to entertain me?" I say, smirking, thinking of many ways that he could entertain me, most of them pretty dirty.
"Hey, you were the one that invited yourself over, entertain yourself."
"I DIDN'T INVITE MYSELF YOU INVITED ME!" I remind him quite loudly.
"Fine, let's talk then." He says, and pours some wine for both of us. Little does he know that I have quite a low tolerance for alcohol, so I'm never allowed to have it. I might as well take advantage of the opportunity now, so I take the glass before he can think better of it. I am of age, after all. It's just because of my height that what would be a small, ineffective amount of alcohol for someone like Roy becomes enough to make me pass out.
"So how long is Winry staying?" Roy asks, and I know it's not because he wants to make small talk, but because it's better than awkward silence.
"Ugh. I don't know." I say. I don't say that it's not Winry staying that bothering me, but the fact that Winry and my brother are together. My two best friends now care more about each other than myself, and I'm the third wheel. I love them both, but I don't love them together. I don't want to spend time with them anymore, and their relationship just solidifies my loneliness, my need for someone to feel that empty gap in my heart. I look around Roy's apartment and notice something on the couch. I get up and pick it up, smirking.
"What is THIS?" I ask, waving the pink lacy bra in Roy's face, plastering a fake smirk to my face.
He rolls his eyes. "What does it look like Fullmetal?"
"Don't you ever get tired of fucking random girls?" I ask and throw the bra back down. "There's more to life than empty fucks." I say quietly, with more feeling than I intend, and I can tell that this makes Roy think. I wish I hadn't said it.
"Next subject." He smirks, and for that moment I really hate his guts. But then he goes back to his food and the flash is gone. Hate and love really do go hand in hand.
Heh. His ramen is boiling over. I point behind him with a snicker.
He wheels around and sees the ramen boiling over. "DAMMIT." He mutters a string of curse words under his breath as he takes it off the heat and dishes out two bowls of steaming ramen, while I quietly (okay maybe not so quietly) laugh in the corner. He looks adorable when he's flustered.
"Will you shut up?" He huffs, taking a huge spoonful of ramen and thereby scorching himself. Of course this sets me off again into peals of helpless laughter.
"God Mustang…" I say between laughs. "I didn't know you were such a klutz at home…" I giggle and he gives me a look, simply pouring us both second glasses of wine. I down mine fairly quickly and pretty soon, I'm babbling away not making any sense, and seconds later I topple off my stool onto the ground.
"Dammit!" He jumps up to pick the delirious, half unconscious me off the ground. I think he thinks I'm completely unconscious, so I play along with it, quickly closing my eyes before he notices. And to my great delight, he picks me up. I try not to sigh in happiness and melt into his arms. They're so strong around me, they feel so right. I dare to breathe and I can smell him. He has a distinct smell that was floating about the apartment and up close it was so intoxicating. And that wasn't only because of the amount of alcohol in my system. I immediately decide that Roy smell is my favorite smell in the entire world. If everything could smell like him, I think I would pass out. I dare another small breath and sigh with happiness. Hopefully he thinks its just gas, or something.
I feel him gently lifting me down to his bed. Yes, that was gently. I was surprised by how carefully he handled me, like I was a fragile, precious package to be cared for. That's what I wanted him to think of me as anyway. Because I am fragile, so emotionally unstable and fragile that it breaks my heart to think about how weak I am.
His arms leave me and I try not to pout. He tucks a blanket around me and my heart feels like nothing could be better than this. I wish that he would climb in next to me and wrap his arms around me, but I know that's just a fantasy. However many times I dream that I would go to sleep with someone holding me and wake up with them still there, still holding me, I know it will never happen. It's something that I'm destined to forever long for. True love, security, emotional stability.
I hear him leave and I let out the breath I had been holding. I hear him mutter something that sounds vaguely like a 'Good night Edward…' and my heart leaps. Did he just call me Edward?
Edward.
He called me Edward.
That was my last thought before I completely lost touch with reality and passed out.
"WHY DIDN'T YOU WAKE ME UP?" I'm shaking Roy, who was (until I had woken him up that is) asleep on the couch. "WE HAVE TO WORK TODAY!"
"Its Saturday half-pint." He mumbles angrily.
"WHO ARE YOU CALLING A HALF PINT SO SMALL HE FIT INTO A TEENY BOTTLE?!" I screech and he shoves a pillow at my head. "Go back to sleep why don't you…don't you have a hangover?"
"Nope, slept it all off." I say perkily, perching myself on the couch right by his head, trying very hard not to slip my hand into that smooth black hair and play with his hair. "So in that case what are we doing today? You could drop me off at home but I don't really want to see Al and Winry going at it…my two best friends…" I shake my head, trying to make light of it, even when their relationship has hurt me so deeply. They left me alone, with no one, for their own happiness. I tell myself that they're being selfish, but I know that I'm the only one that's being selfish. They deserve to be happy. "So what're we doing?" I ask to keep my mind off of it.
He rolls his eyes. "Well, first you're going to get up so I can go take a shower, and then we're going to have breakfast, and THEN we'll see." He says, pushing me off the couch and stumbling into the shower. I watch him mournfully and flop back on the couch for a moment before I get an idea.
"EDWARD!" He yells twenty minutes later, dashing out of the shower. I smirk. So the smell of food does have effects on the great Roy Mustang. He dashes into the kitchen with only a towel around his waist, and I can't help staring. Damn, no wonder he gets so many women, he has a HOT body. I just want to jump on him and claim every inch of him for myself. I mentally kick myself and turn around to tend to my bacon and eggs. I've decided to maybe attract him to me with the cute look. I'm wearing a small apron that I found in his cupboards (don't want to know what he was doing with it) and I look up at him.
"What are you DOING?" He sputters as he glares back at me. Apparently he didn't know that I could cook.
"I'm making breakfast, bastard, what does it look like I'm doing?" I retort without turning around, a little miffed at his lack of faith in me. Does he think I'm completely helpless just because I had passed out after only two glasses of wine? "I can do SOME things right, you know." I say, shoveling the eggs onto two plates and placing two strips of bacon neatly beside each. I place them on the island, sit down, and start eating without looking at him. Sometimes it just hurts too much.
"Um...thanks…" He mutters somewhat awkwardly, and I can tell that I've truly surprised him. Usually, I'm hostile towards him just to overcompensate for my strange feelings towards him. But now, when its just the two of us, I figure I can be a little nicer to him. He's not being as arrogant and bastardy now either. And I like it.
I shrug. "Eh, figured it was the least I could do." I say, getting up and putting the dishes in the sink.
"You can do the dishes though." I say with a smirk. "I'm gonna take a shower…" I announce and pad off into Roy's bathroom. Once inside, I turn on the shower to scorching and step in. I take a long, hot shower that turns me pink from the heat. But I like my showers that way. It takes my mind off other things. Things like imagining what it would be like if Roy were in the shower with me, his hands on my head, body, down further…this isn't helping. I step out of the shower and dry myself off, pulling my clothes on again and walking out.
I go into the kitchen and sit on a stool. Roy's still doing dishes, the slowpoke. He turns around to look at me, and gives me a confused look. "Your hair's down." He states without emotion, and my hand automatically flies to my head and I blush. I don't let anyone see me with my hair down. I quickly tie it in my traditional loose braid and give him a scowl.
"So what're we doing?" I say to distract him from my embarrassed self.
"Must you always be amused? What do you do by yourself?" He asks.
I shrug. "Various things. I like to cook." I say quietly, a little embarrassed. How does he always do that to me?
"Well, maybe you can teach me how to cook today then? I might as well get a crash course while you're here because I mostly eat out or order in…I don't even remember buying that bacon and eggs." He says, looking a bit puzzled.
"That's because you didn't. I did. At that grocery store down the street." I say with a small giggle.
"Oh."
"I can teach you today though! We'll need to get some supplies and do you have any cookbooks?" I'm actually quite surprised that he seems willing, but I'm just going to go with it and not ask questions. This is too good a chance to pass up.
He gives me a look that tells me everything I need to know
"Okay, guess not. I saw a library around here though, we can go there." I say.
And so started our adventurous day of delving into the world of cooking.
A few hours and many accidents later, we were sitting on our stools waiting for the cake that I had decided to make to bake. We were eating a very elegant dish of chicken and other assorted vegetables and something that I had showed him how to make but was in French, so of course Roy had immediately given up on trying to remember that one.
It had been an amazing day, probably the best day of my life. No, it was the best day of my life. I got to spend it with Roy, just Roy and I, like I always wanted it to be. Of course there were times when I just wanted to throw myself into his arms, claiming him for my own and never letting go, but of course I didn't do that.
I was eating my chicken, pondering life, Roy, and my emotions when Roy spoke. I had almost forgotten that he was there. Almost.
"What's up, Ed? You look kind of…depressed…" He says, jolting me back to reality. There was something that he said…what was it? Oh yeah.
He called me Ed.
I wanted to hug him to death, kiss him and know everything he was thinking and feeling.
He called me Ed.
Why did that light up my world so much?
And that was when something changed. I must've lost my mind, because what happened next was what led to my downfall.
"Nothing…I was just thinking…" I say, looking curiously at him. He looks curiously back at me.
"Wow…really?" He says jokingly and I glare at him.
"Roy…" I say slowly, throwing all cautions to the wind as I use his name. "We're good friends, right? You'd say?"
He blinks at me, looking confused. "Yes…I suppose…what's this about?" He says in all seriousness. "What are you talking about?" He looks a little awkward, like he doesn't want to be here right now. I don't blame him.
"And you'll still be my friend no matter what?" I ask, feeling like the needy idiot I am.
"Dammit just get on with it! Who did you kill?" He asks, rolling his eyes.
"Myself…" I mutter under my breath, not loud enough for him to hear. "Um…Roy…I like you…" I say, staring at my plate, my mind rushing into overdrive, emergency mode, wondering what I'm doing. Did I seriously just tell him? I must've lost my mind.
When I muster enough courage to look up, he's staring at me like I have two heads and five noses. His look hurts, and I can tell it's all over. If he had liked me the same way, he wouldn't be looking at me like that.
"Um…Ed…" He starts slowly. "I'm not…quite sure I feel the same way about you…" He says, his voice shaking a little, and I feel bad for dumping my problems on him. But it had to be done, or else I would've exploded.
I nod, blushing furiously now and extremely embarrassed. I also have a strange feeling welling up my throat from my stomach, the feeling of getting sick, the feeling of nauseousness. What now? I just killed any chance I had to be around him without it being awkward. The mood went from comfortable to uncomfortable in about 2.5 seconds, enough time it took for my confession to seep into the air and Roy's mind, hanging between us and making the air heavy.
"Um…Ed…" He looks at me. "Maybe…maybe I do like you too…" He said, and for a moment my heart jumps. Could it be true? No. He's lying just to make me feel better. Suddenly I'm angry. Does he like toying with me?
"You're lying." I say in a dead voice.
"No I'm not…" He says, but I can tell in his tone that's he's just saying it to keep me from crying or something. God, I'm pathetic. Now I've even got Roy feeling bad for me.
"Yes you are. Just shut up." I sulk quietly for a little while, and then suddenly slip down from my chair. "Um…maybe I should go…I'm sorry…Al and Winry are probably wondering where I am…" I say, and both of us know that is a load of crap, because Al and Winry probably wouldn't notice if I wasn't there until a week from now. But we both also know that it's just an excuse so the night doesn't get any more awkward and I can leave peacefully without embarrassing myself even further. Because I can tell that he's trying not to freak out too much.
"Do you want me to drive you home?" He asks quietly.
"Um…" I look up at him. "Yeah…could you?" I ask sheepishly, not wanting to ask anything more of him. But I don't have any other way to get home. Roy looks at me as if he feels bad for breaking my heart. But he doesn't know just how much he's broken me.
He nods and slip on his shoes and coat, waiting for me to do the same before silently going down to his reserved parking space and getting in.
The air is stifling in the car, like someone is suffocating me. That strange feeling is rising in my throat again, and I feel like I'm going to be sick. All I want is for this car ride to be over so I can go home and cry my eyes out, possibly do something dangerous and potentially fatal. When I get depressed I want to go out, get lost in a city, do something dangerous, something that tempts death, because when I get that way, I don't care if I die or not.
I press my lips tightly together and bit my bottom lip to keep from crying. My eyes are probably getting puffy, I can feel it. It was the most painful car ride of my life. It seemed like an eternity before Roy was pulling up in front of the apartment and Al and I shared.
"Um…" I look at him one last time, and I can just feel the neediness in my gaze. "Bye…" I quickly get out before I embarrass myself even more. He's giving me a look of thoughtfulness, as if he was going to say something, but I don't want to hear his pity. That makes me even sicker than I already am. I run into the house and run into the bathroom without looking around me to see if Winry and Al are there. I get there just in the nick of time, and before I know it I'm throwing up into the toilet. It feels a little better, but it scares me to know that I'm throwing up not because I have the flu, but because there were just too many emotions inside me, and they wanted out.
I throw up again, and now I'm crying over the toilet; the sorriest sight you will ever see. I hiccup, wipe my mouth, brush my teeth to get the taste out of my mouth, flush the toilet and shuffle into my room.
When I get into my room I can tell that Al and Winry are not there; it's too quiet. Unless they're asleep; but it's not that late, so they're probably out on a date.
I flop on my bed face down and finally let the welling up inside me burst forth, crying my eyes out. My heart feels like it's about to break. How could I have put myself out there like that? How could I ever have thought that it would've gone well? I couldn't have seriously thought that he would return my feelings…so what was the point of putting my heart out on my sleeve to be broken?
I squeeze my eyes together but the tears somehow manage their way out anyway. I shiver and pull my blankets over me, curling into a fetal position, still crying. I can't seem to stop, no matter how hard I try. Well, I'm not trying to hard. I'm actually making it worse by replaying every look he gave me, everything he said. Everything he said keeps running through my head.
"I'm not sure if I like you the same way…"
His voice plays over and over again in my mind and I scream for it to stop, tearing at my hair and not even minding the pain. I must be driving myself mad. Why do I do this to myself? Why?
Why?
Why?
Why can't he love me? I'm smart, fairly attractive…funny at times…it must be my height…or my temper…there must be something wrong with me…I don't deserve to live…
Why can't I just forget about him?
I don't know how long I lay curled up like that in the dark, crying, sniffling, and talking to myself, but finally the Sandman took pity and sleep washed over me.
I woke later than normal, and realized that I still had to go to work. I grumble and go about my daily routine half heartedly. I seem to have lost all interest in anything. Not like taking a shower is very exciting, but I can tell that I'm moving slower than normal.
Wait.
I have to go to work.
It hits me as I'm brushing my teeth.
That means I have to see him.
Roy.
What will he do?
What will he say?
Will he reject me again?
Will he ignore me?
Will he act like nothing happened?
My hands fall onto the sink and I stare at myself in the mirror. I'm a pathetic sight. My hair is still wet and dripping from my shower and frames my face to show my eyes still red from crying, my bleeding lip that I bit too hard last night, and eyes that are dulled by pain. I can't even look at myself; it's too pathetic, too sad.
Something deep inside of me had broken, something that could never be fixed again. I didn't know what it was, but whatever it was but I needed it fixed.
I sniffle again and trudge out of the shower, pulling my red jacket over me and shuffle out of the house, again without even bothering to see if Al and Winry are there, or grab a muffin to eat. I can't eat, it will make me sick. And the gnawing feeling in my stomach occasionally takes my mind of my emotional pain. Occasionally. Mostly I'm lost in my thoughts, trying not to break down as I get on the subway to go to work.
Keep it together Edward.
You're pathetic.
You don't need him.
You got along without him before, why is it so different now?
I can't answer that question. Perhaps it was just seeing what it could be like, that taste of the life that I so desperately yearn for, in addition to the pain of rejection.
Love hurts, its true.
Whoever said that was the wisest person in the world.
I find myself at work and go about my duties like normal, trying to keep my mind from him. I avoid his usual haunts, and don't go by his office at all. Unfortunately, fate wasn't on my side today, and my heart sinks as Riza passes me in the hall and informs me that Roy wants to see me.
What was he going to tell me?
What did he want?
Did he want to tell me to forget about the past weekend, suck it up, and get over it?
Did he want to tell me again how he didn't return my feelings?
Or…
Did he want to tell me the opposite?
NO.
You can't think that Edward. You can't let your hopes get up, that's why you fell so hard before. You let your imagination envision what it would be like to be with him, you set yourself up for this. It's all your fault. Don't be mad at him, be mad at yourself.
I hate you, Edward Elric.
I hate myself.
These thoughts deliver me to Roy's office and I stand in front of it, feeling extremely small and vulnerable.
Why do I have to be so damn emotional?
I hate it.
I tentatively knock, and I hear his voice from the inside, cold as usual.
"Come in Fullmetal." No more Ed. My heart sinks.
I trudge in and avoid looking at him. He's too beautiful, even though I still hate him for making me miserable. I don't understand.
"Fullmetal. These papers. Deliver them." He says simply, gesturing to a stack of papers on his desk. Then he goes back to doing whatever he was doing, without a word.
That's it?
No mention at all of last night?
It probably means nothing to him; he probably has women confessing their love for him all the time in bed, so why would I be any different? Except for the fact that I'm a man but that probably doesn't even faze him anymore.
"Yes, Colonel." I mumble, not even having the energy to scream at him. I take the papers and walk out before I do something stupid. Maybe its better this way. Maybe he's being nice to me by acting like nothing happened. Maybe he's hoping I'll forget it, maybe he's regretting ever giving me false hope. Though it could've been my imagination, all those looks, the tender way he put me in his bed and covered me up.
Why does he have to toy with me this way? He doesn't know how much my emotions depend on him, and it makes me miserable. I want to make him miserable, but I don't have as much of an affect on him as he does on me. I'm just another one of his subordinates with a crush on him.
I sigh and go about distributing the papers trying to forget all about the bane of my existence, Roy Mustang.
It's been weeks since the incident at Roy's apartment and nothing has been said about it. This is driving me insane. I want to know.
Why did he say that he liked me, and then forgot all about it? He was surely lying, right? Then why did he say that and give me false hope? I wish he had just told me flat out, and then I would be agonizing so much. Well, I probably would.
I'm in my apartment again, sitting on my bed and staring at my hands and arms. My arms are covered with red scratches, some old, some new, some bleeding, and some almost healed. Who knew that quill pens could be so dangerous?
I had started cutting myself a few days after I realized that Roy wasn't going to be saying anything else about the incident, and when I realized that he really didn't like me back, and that I would really be alone forever. Because I couldn't see myself with anyone else. Actually, I could see myself with other people, but I wouldn't be as happy. I didn't want to see myself with anyone else. As much as it hurt to like Roy, part of me didn't want to like anyone else, even though I made myself miserable pining for him.
The first time I cut myself I had come home from work, and Roy had given me a particularly hard time. In my emotionally fragile state, I wasn't in any mood to argue with him, and the looks he gave me cut straight to my soul. Why did he have to be so mean to me? Couldn't he be a little nicer?
I had flopped down on my bed like usual and was sobbing uncontrollably when I discovered a sharp pen under my bed. I didn't know how it got there, but it was dangerous. It was one of those pens like a quill pen, but it didn't have the quill, just a large, sleek black wooden barrel in place of the quill. I think it was a drawing pen.
Before I knew what I was doing, I had grasped it tightly in my hands and was dragging it over the skin of my arm. At first I cried out at the pain, and thought I was crazy for doing this to myself. Then I took the pen away and stared at my bleeding arm. My crying momentarily stopped in amazement. The stinging was oddly soothing. I couldn't explain it. But the pain in my arm made me feel better. I deserved to be in pain, physical and emotional. I'm worth nothing.
At this thought I started crying again and I once again brought the now slightly bloodied pen to my arm, dragging it hard against my skin. I bite my lip and taste blood in my mouth, salty and sorrowful. After that I let the pen drop to the floor and concentrated on the stinging, throbbing in my arm. Soon I had fallen asleep, and that was the beginning of my self-mutilation.
I soon found out that I could make patterns with the pen, because it had a very sharp, very precise tip that I could direct carefully into different patterns on my skin. Mostly I marked up my arm, but sometimes I would experiment on my leg, places where people wouldn't be able to see. I didn't want Al to know the pain I was in. Normally I tried to put on a false smile for him, but he wasn't around much anyway so I didn't have to fake too much. He was spending a lot of time with Winry, and I have to admit that I was a little bitter about that.
Sometimes I wanted them to know how much emotional pain I was in when they were so happy, and completely oblivious as to me, alone, crying, and cutting myself on my bed at night. It made me feel even more pathetic. No one cared about me, even my brother and my best friend didn't notice. I felt more isolated that as if I had been stranded on a deserted island for a year. I was alone in a crowded room, I was always alone with my tortured thoughts, and I couldn't escape.
Tonight, I was once again cutting myself through my vision blurred by tears. I think Roy was just the trigger. I had always been emotionally frail, but nothing had set me off until Roy's rejection of me. Now I was an emotional train wreck, and nothing could stop me. I felt so out of control it scared me. I scared myself with my thoughts, and the only reason that I'm still alive is because I'm too much of a wimp to take a trigger to my head and end it all. Once again, I go to bed with the feeling of completely worthlessness, loneliness, and sorrow.
I go to work the next day in my depressed haze, and go through the motions of work as normal. But Roy must've been in a bad mood because he was particularly bastardy to me today. He probably didn't even realize it, but I wasn't strong enough to take his insults anymore, his careless talk to me. He doesn't realize how much I care for him, and he just destroys me. I hate him, but I love him. I'm lost; I don't know what to think. My thoughts swirl around my head and somehow I find myself at home again.
Everything has come crashing down on me, and I don't have faith in myself anymore. I don't want to live. It doesn't even really have anything to do with Roy anymore. I've just given up hope. Given up hope of ever loving, given up hope of ever living. It's pathetic, but that's what I am. Pathetic. I'm just so tired of everything. I'm tired of the pain, tired of myself, tired of going on like this, pretending that things will get better when I know they won't. They won't because I won't let them, and that's my problem.
My problem is myself. I need to be loved to function. Yes, it's a wretched existence, but I have this incredible need for someone to care for me, and me only. Selfish too. I don't think I have any good qualities.
So I'm selfish, self-centered, pathetic, needy, and the only reason I cry is for myself. Why do I deserve to live?
The answer? I don't.
As usual Winry and Al aren't home, and I go into the kitchen. I carefully open the knife drawer, and select the exact-o knife. That should do the trick. Tears are falling freely as I realize that my life is going to end tonight. I will leave no legacy of who I really am. People will know me for being the Fullmetal Alchemist, but they will never have really known me. No one will remember what I was like, my outbursts, my short issues, and what I like to do.
I'll die without knowing what being loved feels like, without ever having been kissed, without ever having had sex, or cuddling up with someone after.
I will never be special to anyone, and no one will ever be excited just because I am there. I've accepted that. Maybe I'm just that type of person. The type of person that's meant to die alone.
I walk into the bathroom and run a hot bath for myself. I like baths. At least I can die in one if I can't die in Roy's arms.
I go back into my room while I wait for the bath to fill and get a piece of paper, feeling like I need to explain myself.
I sit at my desk and write with the pen that I used so often to mutilate myself. Funny. It came full circle. This pen started my self-destruction, and now it will end it. I laugh, thinking to myself that I'm hysterical. Are all people like this when they know they're going to die?
I decide to write two notes. One to Al, and one to Roy.
Al,
I'm sorry I had to leave this way. I hope you can be happy with Winry, and remember me sometimes. I love you and Winry, and I wish that could be enough to keep me happy. But you have Winry, and I'm alone. Don't worry; it's not your fault. I've always had problems; I just didn't want to tell you. Please don't feel guilty. I wanted this. I haven't been happy for a long time, and now I will be. Goodbye.
Ed
P.S. Cremate me please and sprinkle me on the highest hilltop you can find.
A tear falls on the paper, and I quickly get up before I get any more on it. I walk into the kitchen and put it on the counter where they can see it. Then I write Roy's letter and fold it up and put it in a sealed envelope. 'Give to Roy' I write on the envelope, and put it next to my note to Al.
By now my bath is ready, and I turn off the water. I strip down to my boxers, carefully fold my leather pants. I don't want to ruin them.
I sit on the edge of the bathtub and look in. This is it. I'm not scared. Anything will be better than living like a wreck every day, with a life that has no meaning. I've become numb.
I climb into the bath, a sigh escaping my lips as my body absorbs the warmth of the water. I lay there for a few minutes, taking in my last moments on this earth. I shut my eyes and think of everyone, trying not to think of Roy. But of course he's all I think of.
"Roy, save me…" I whisper aloud, though I know it's useless, I've gone too far. I can't be saved now. I bring my wrist out of the water and slit it with the knife.
I gasp and my mouth drops open as I feel my life's blood start flowing out of me into the water. I quickly do my other wrist, and drop my hands into the water, the knife clattering to the floor somewhere. The sound is oddly muffled, as if I've already started to leave this world.
I'm dying.
It's strange; I can barely feel the physical pain anymore. All I can think of is the bottomless ache in my heart, a wound that can never be patched, a wound so deep that it has led me to this last resort. How easily a heart breaks, how easily I have broken.
I really am a coward. I know that suicide is the ultimate action of weakness, but why should I care anymore? My life had no point anyway, no one will really miss me, safe Winry and Al, but they will cry on each other's shoulders and move on.
The water is turning a deep red and I feel weak; my breathing shallow. I can't even open my eyes anymore as a few tears slip out to join the water I'm lying in. I'm fading fast, and it's silent. I can't even hear the noises of the cars outside in the street anymore, and its like I'm in my own world where nothing can harm me.
I slide further into the water and take my last breath. Goodbye Al, goodbye Winry.
Goodbye Roy. I love you.
And it seemed that in those last few seconds, Roy's face materialized out of the air to kiss me once and only, taking me away forever.
A/N: This has come out of my most depressed times, my worst of times. I can only seem to write well when I'm half delirious with depression, and this story is based on some of my inner thoughts and feelings, so it's very close to home with me. I wanted to dabble a little in the world of Ed/Roy so I decided I'd try a little angsty one-shot since I've never wrote one and I thought it'd be nice to just write something and not have to worry about updates. Well, actually this is going to end up being a two-shot because I'm going to have an epilogue if people like the story. Nothing too, long, just explaining a little more about what happens after Ed's death. I'm sorry, but he won't be coming back to life. I know some people like death fics, but I'm sorry. I like fics that make me cry, so I know there are other people out there like that too. My fic isn't good enough to make anyone cry, but I can try. (Yeah, I know that's twisted). Well, please review, it'll make me so happy.