20A/N: Just something I wrote when I was depressed, more for myself than the reviews. Edward is 21, Roy is 38, and Alphonse is 18, with his body back. I don't care if this corresponds with the series because it's my fanfic and I can do what I want. I apologize if there are any mistakes, I wrote this at like three different times months apart when I was depressed. First I wrote it when my boyfriend and I broke up, and now we're back together a couple months later but he's being an uncaring ass so I had to resort to fan fiction, my therapeutic medicine! You'll notice that a lot of parts are similar to the previous chapter, because I tried to make it so it was the same events happening, but you knew a different point of view on it. Tell me how this worked, if you could. I was trying something new, so I don't know if it was a good idea. I know this kind of turned into more of a story, but eh, I like writing.
Disclaimer: I don't own FMA or any of the characters; otherwise I would have Ed and Roy having hot man sex on Roy's desk, couch, in the closet, bed, etc. every day and invite me there to film. And then they would cuddle. (-Collective AWWWW-)
Fatally Yours
My name is Roy Mustang, also known as the Flame Alchemist.
I'm in a Colonel in the military and my job pays well.
I have all the women I want, they practically fight to get to me, and therefore I have all the sex I could ever want.
I'm handsome, with a good body and have the right equipment to be able to please the women as well.
Sounds like the perfect life, right?
Wrong.
There's one little (no pun intended) problem with my life.
I'm in love with Edward Elric, the Full Metal Alchemist.
There are many things wrong with this. Let's make a list, shall we?
He's another man. And I don't like to think of myself as gay. I don't fucking look gay, okay!
He has a temper to rival a demon's. This is quite a problem sometimes, but I won't tell him that he's extremely cute when he gets mad.
I'm his superior officer.
He's about…oh….well; let's just say he's more than ten years younger than me, to make myself feel better about this one.
Lastly and most importantly, he hates me.
See my problem now?
Yeah.
I don't quite know how it happened, but one day he walked into my office, the sun shimmered off his golden hair and he looked so angry about something; I was a gonner.
Of course after that he screamed at me for assigning him somewhere he didn't want to go, but all I could think about after that was how nice his ass looked when he turned around to leave, not reassigning him. This led to much questioning of my sanity, but I eventually came to the conclusion to accept it, not fight it. Though that's not completely true, I still fight it at times. But mostly I just want him.
We've developed an odd little friendship, though I'm still strongly suspicious that he hates me. We've been on assignments together, where I get to see Ed's rare different emotions (other than pissed off little temper tantrum, which I had previously thought was his only setting.) And we can actually carry on intelligent conversations without killing each other when we're away from the military base.
But then when we get back home, it's the same, I sink into depression, wanting to hold his small frame to mine, but only getting a bunch of whores who want to sell their body to me for a night of emotionless sex.
I'm lost in my thoughts at my desk again, and Riza comes in, rapping a pen on my desk and none to carefully plopping a pile of papers on my desk.
She's another one of my problems, because to put it very simply, she's in love with me. I can tell without her even having to tell me simply because of the way she looks at me. Her looks hurt me, because sometimes I'm certain that I look at Ed the same way. She's hinted at her feelings a few times, and I can tell she really cares about me, and my happiness; more than the other women that just care about my body, big dick, sex skills and money.
I would like to go out with her, because it would be so normal, she would be happy, I would have someone to hold, but it just wouldn't be the same. For some reason, I only want to hold Ed, and I won't be satisfied with anyone else. It's twisted, but I'd rather be with no one, miserable, and lonely, than be with someone that wasn't him.
I must've sighed unconsciously because I notice that Riza has given me a strange look.
"Look through these and Edward's here to see you." She says as I look away from the window with what was probably a very unhappy look.
"Fine, send him in." I wave my hand exasperatedly and she rolls her eyes at me before leaving to be replaced by the little bane of my existence, who was as usual, fuming.
"Ed-Fullmetal?" I cover up my slip up quickly, hoping he didn't notice my use of his real name, the name I used when I thought about him.
"DAMMIT ALL I WANT IS MY OWN HOUSE AND I CAN'T EVEN HAVE THAT!" He screamed, launching himself at my desk and slamming his hands palm down on the table. I wince as he does, shaking his hands and muttering a slightly pained 'ow' under his breath.
"What the hell are you talking about?" I ask calmly. I am very good at keeping a cool, calm, collected exterior, even if my emotions are a mess. No one would ever guess to look at me that I'm a train wreck just waiting to happen.
"WINRY!" Was all the answer I received.
"Care to explain?"
"WINRY! MY BROTHER'S GIRLFRIEND! SHE'S COMING TO VISIT TODAY SO THEY DON'T WANT ME STAYING AT THE HOUSE TONIGHT SO THEY CAN FUCK IN PEACE!" He screeches, his voice reaching an octave I didn't think possible.
I smirk, and of course that got a terrible reaction out of Ed.
"DON'T SMIRK AT ME BASTARD! WHERE AM I SUPPOSED TO SLEEP? ITS ALL YOUR FAULT!"
Hm…this gives me a lot of possibilities. "Well, E-Fullmetal, you could stay at my apartment for the night." And before he got suspicious, "But only for the night. Don't get any ideas." I add quickly.
"Get ideas? What for? You think I want to stay with you?" He retorts, and somehow this hits me and twists my heart, reminding myself of how wrong my feelings are.
I blink, speechless for a moment. "If you want to stay, follow me now or forever hold your peace." I say, forgetting about the paperwork on my desk and sauntering out of the room, resisting the weak temptation to look over my shoulder as I walk out.
Turns out, I don't have to turn around, because I can hear black boots shuffling behind me, and I bite my lip to keep from smiling.
"I'm leaving…" I announce to Riza, and continue out before she can protest about the papers which I had just remembered. It was getting late, around nine, and I had to admit, I wanted a little quality time with Edward alone.
The looks she gives me makes my heart break and I hate myself for being so twisted, wishing I could make her happy. But I don't want to lie to her, so I continue to brush her off, and hope she'll find someone else who doesn't have a Lolita complex. Though I guess it's not quite that bad; Ed is technically legal. He just doesn't look it.
"I hope you don't think I owe you anything now." Edward mutters as he gets in the front seat of my black Audi 3000. "Nice car…" He continues under his breath as he lets his fingers travel up and down the dashboard and console.
"Yes, I just got it a few weeks ago. Quite expensive." I say. "And no, you don't owe me anything." I say, with a more heartfelt smile than is usually characteristic of me.
"You alright Mustang? You look kind of weird." He says. So much for tact.
I roll my eyes as I check the rear mirror and back up into the street. "I'm fine." I hope I'm not gritting my teeth too loudly.
"Whatever." He says, not sounding like he believes me. He stretches out and puts his boot clad feet on the dashboard, crossing them luxuriously.
"Get them off. Now." I glare at him, and he glares back before slowly putting his feet down. That's what I love about him. He's not afraid of me like some-no, most- women are. If I had given any one of them that look, they'd probably shrink into a corner and never come out, having a complex. But Ed, it doesn't faze him.
He stares out the window, and I have to remind myself to drive instead of watching him get lost in his own thoughts. It was one of the rare times I saw peace on his face. Or, what would come close to it.
Half an hour later, we arrive at my apartment building. He stumbles out of the car and follows me like a lost puppy up to my third floor apartment. I try to savor every moment, trying not to think of how wonderful it would be if this was the norm, if Ed came home with me every day, if we were together.
"Dammit Mustang, don't look like someone just killed your dog." He says as he follows me in. I sigh, not having realized that my mood was so easily read.
"What do you want for dinner?" I ask as I go into the kitchen. "And take your shoes off, I like things to be neat." I tell him. "Ramen okay?" I call.
"RAMMMEENNNNNNNN!" Is my answer from the foyer, and I allot myself a smile.
"Ramen it is then." I say half to myself as I get out a pot to make a double batch of ramen. Edward, despite his small stature, can pack away food like there's no tomorrow.
He climbs onto a bar stool at my island counter in the kitchen and looks at me expectantly.
"What?" I say.
"Aren't you going to entertain me?" He says, smirking.
I roll my eyes, thinking about how I would like to entertain him. "Hey, you were the one that invited yourself over, entertain yourself."
"I DIDN'T INVITE MYSELF YOU INVITED ME!" He reminds me much louder than necessary.
"Fine, let's talk then." I say, and pour a glass of wine for me and one for him after he nods towards the bottle. Then I sit down at a stool across from him and sip slowly, letting the alcohol calm me down a little.
"So how long is Winry staying?" I ask, not really wanting to make small talk but it was more comfortable than silence.
"Ugh. I don't know." He says, and considerably droops. I wonder what he's thinking. Could he be jealous of them when he has no one to call his own? I had always thought he had a thing for Winry but I could be wrong. "Next subject." He says, and smirks as he looks behind me. "What is THAT?" He smirks and picks up a lacy pink bra from off my couch.
I roll my eyes. "What does it look like Fullmetal?" I say.
"Don't you ever get tired of fucking random girls?" He asks and throws the bra back down.
I shrug. Actually, that bra must've been there for a long time because the last one night stand I had was more than a few months ago. After I realized that I might possibly feel something not normal for Edward, I hadn't really wanted anything to do with that. I tried a few times, to get him off my mind, but I couldn't get excited for women, and they had gotten disgusted and left, most of them muttering about how their friends were wrong. And it didn't take him my mind off either.
"Next subject." I say, smirking, and now it's his turn to roll his eyes. Then his eyes widen and point behind me again, smirking now.
I wheel around and see the ramen boiling over. "DAMMIT." I mutter a string of curse words under my breath as I take it off the heat and dish out two bowls of steaming ramen, while Edward quietly (ok maybe not so quietly) laughs in the corner.
"Will you shut up?" I huff, taking a huge spoonful of ramen and thereby scorching myself. Of course this sets him off again into peals of laughter, and I allow myself a smile as well, because I know that he's too caught up to notice this rare facial expression for me.
"God Mustang…" He says between laughs. "I didn't know you were such a klutz at home…" He giggles, and it suddenly strikes me that his laugh is painfully adorable.
I shovel more ramen into my mouth to distract myself, and luckily it's not scorching hot this time. By now, Edward has calmed down enough to eat, so his laughing has been replaced by the slurping noises of him eating.
"Manners, Fullmetal." I say half heartedly. I must admit this is one of his less endearing traits.
He mumbles something that suspiciously sounds like 'up yours' but I can't be too sure. I pour myself and Edward second glasses of wine and down mine fairly quickly. I have a high tolerance level for alcohol, so I can drink more than the average person and still not have too many side effects. Unfortunately, I didn't realize that Edward had a very low tolerance level. Pretty soon, he was babbling away not making any sense, and seconds later he had toppled off his stool onto the ground.
I jump up and make sure that he hadn't seriously injured himself. Luckily, he seemed okay, except for the fact that he was unconscious. I pick him up, and sigh at how good it feels to finally have him in my arms, even if this is stolen time, and he probably wouldn't be willing if he were awake. Now that I'm this close to him, I can tell that he has a distinctive scent, and I breathe it in with an intoxicated (and not from the alcohol) smile.
I carry him carefully to my bed and set him tenderly on it, tucking him in the covers. He sprawls out naturally and mumbles something before turning and curling into a fetal position, hugging my pillow.
My heart aches for him, aches to crawl in next to him and wrap my arms around him. It hurts so badly that I can't stand to look at him anymore, for he is an image of such perfection, utter cuteness and innocence that my heart can't take it.
I taste something salty and I realize that I am crying. I scorn myself for being so weak, so pitiful, all because of the small figure lying in my bed so oblivious to my presence. If he knew, what would he do?
Funny isn't it? How I can order everyone around, head up offices, yet when it comes to little Ed, I'm completely helpless? I used to think I had all I wanted, but now I know what I'm missing. And I sorely need it. I need it so badly it hurts to admit it even to myself. I sigh and walk out before I break down.
I pass out on the couch and wake up to Ed screeching at me roughly ten hours later.
"WHY DIDN'T YOU WAKE ME UP?" His voice pierces my dreams and my world comes crashing back down to reality. "WE HAVE TO GET TO WORK!"
"Its Saturday dimwit." I mumble angrily.
"WHO ARE YOU CALLING A DIMWIT SO SMALL HE COULD BE STEPPED ON?!" Ed screeched and I covered my head with a pillow. "Go back to sleep why don't you…don't you have a hangover?"
"Nope, slept it all off." He said perkily, stationing himself on the couch right by my head. "So in that case what are we doing today? You could drop me off at home but I don't really want to see Al and Winry going at it…my two best friends…" He shook his head somewhat mournfully, then quickly got over it. "So what're we doing?"
I roll my eyes. "Well, first you're going to get up so I can go take a shower, and then we're going to have breakfast, and THEN we'll see." I say as I unceremoniously push him off the couch and stumble into the shower with Edward giggles behind me.
I ignore him and take a long, hot shower, so hot it leaves my skin red and the shower foggy from steam. Finally, I emerge, feeling a little better but now I'm hungry. Surprisingly, I already smell food cooking. Mm…that's nice...someone cooking for me…
WAIT.
"EDWARD!" I yell as I dash into the kitchen to make sure that he hasn't burned my apartment down. I stop mid dash as I see him at the stove with a little apron on (I don't know where he found that) peacefully cooking eggs and bacon.
"What are you DOING?" I sputter just because I don't know what else to say. Who knew Edward could cook?
"I'm making breakfast, bastard, what does it look like I'm doing?" Ed retorts without turning around, but I can tell that he's a little miffed because of my lack of faith in him. "I can do SOME things right, you know." He says, shoveling the eggs onto two plates and placing two strips of bacon neatly beside each. He places them on the island, sits down, and starts eating as if this is the most normal thing in the world.
I blink and slowly sit down, bringing my plate closer to me to start eating. "Um...thanks…" I mutter a little awkwardly before neatly taking a bite. I'm a very neat eater, unlike Ed. To my surprise, the eggs and bacon are cooked to perfection, and I add another check to my list of amazing things about Edward. He can cook.
He shrugs. "Eh, figured it was the least I could do." He says, finishing up and putting his plate in the sink.
"You can do the dishes though." He says with a smirk. "I'm gonna take a shower…" He announces and pads off in his socked feet, a sound that makes me smile. Even though he's twenty one now, he still sometimes acts like he did when I first met him six years ago. One of the most noticeable differences is his height; he has grown a few inches since then, but still remains considerably short for a man his age.
I zone out while doing the dishes and before I know it Ed's back and wanting something to do. I turn around to look at him come up behind me. His hair is wet and hanging loose on his shoulders, giving him a look that I've never seen on him before. He looks so…beautiful.
"You should leave your hair down more often…" I say and then slap myself mentally. What am I thinking? Oh right, that comment came out of the absence of thought and presence of feeling. I turn around quickly and furiously dry a pan to avoid the strange look that he gives me.
"It's annoying." He simply says and the next time I turn around it's in a braid again. But he still has that strange look on his face, like he's evaluating me.
"What?" I glare at him and he holds up his hands in defense.
"Nothing. So what're we doing?" One track mind.
"Must you always be amused? What do you do by yourself?" I ask.
He shrugs. "Various things. I like to cook." He says quietly, and I definitely detect an embarrassed blush on his upper cheeks. How adorable.
"Well, maybe you can teach me how to cook today then? I might as well get a crash course while you're here because I mostly eat out or order in…I don't even remember buying that bacon and eggs." I say, now that I think about it.
"That's because you didn't. I did. At that grocery store down the street." Ed says with a small laugh.
"Oh."
"I can teach you today though! We'll need to get some supplies and do you have any cookbooks?"
I look at him.
"Okay, guess not. I saw a library around here though, we can go there." He said.
And so started our adventurous day of delving into the world of cooking.
A few hours and many accidents later, we were sitting on our stools waiting for the cake that Edward had decided to make to bake. We were eating a very elegant dish of chicken and other assorted vegetables and something that he showed me how to make but was in French, so of course I immediately gave up on trying to remember that one.
It had been an amazing day, probably the best day of my life. No, it was the best day of my life. I got to spend it with Edward, just Edward and I, like I always wanted it to be. Of course there were times when I just wanted to capture him in my arms, claiming him for my own and never letting go, but of course I didn't do that.
I was eating my chicken, pondering life, Edward, and my emotions when Edward spoke. I had almost forgotten that he was there. Almost. Then I looked at him, and noticed he seemed to be brooding too.
"What's up, Ed? You look kind of…depressed…" I say, looking over at him, kicking myself for being so concerned. Now he probably thought I was some kind of pansy. A strange look came over his face and something seemed to change inside him.
"Nothing…I was just thinking…" He said, looking curiously at me. I look curiously back at him, wondering what he has up his sleeve this time. Thinking for Edward Elric is dangerous to everyone else.
"Wow…really?" I say jokingly, earning myself a glare.
"Roy…" He says slowly, carefully. "We're good friends, right? You'd say?"
I blink at him, looking confused. "Yes…I suppose…what's this about?"
"And you'll still be my friend no matter what?" He asks, seemingly like a child.
"Dammit just get on with it! Who did you kill?" I ask, rolling my eyes impatiently.
He mutters something under his breath, not loud enough for me to hear. But the next thing he says I hear loud and clear. "Um…Roy…I like you…" He says, looking at his plate as he speaks with a trembling voice. An adorable blush creeps on his face.
I blink and look at him. At first I feel estatic. Edward returns my feelings! I can have a relationship with him, hug him, kiss him….even…well, we won't go that far yet, but he can be mine! This is what I've always wanted…
I'm about to reach over the table and kiss him, but then my mind comes to a screeching halt, and I'm left hanging over the edge of a cliff, like a car that's gone to far and doesn't have enough momentum to stop. I force myself to rewind and think clearly about the situation, even though I don't want to. But it doesn't make sense. Edward cannot like me. He hates me! This must be some ploy, or some trick! Maybe he's mocking me! Maybe he's found out some way that I like him and this is some kind of sick joke. I didn't think Edward would be that cruel, but maybe I don't know him.
Maybe he actually does like me. But could I deal with that kind of a relationship? He's a child, I have no business liking him anyway. If I just ignore it, it'll go away. It's not like anything real and tangible could come out of this strange lust I have for the half-pint. It's best just to crush his hopes now so he doesn't get any wrong ideas, even if he does for some miracle like me. I decide to play it safe, so whichever scenario it is, I won't make myself look like an idiot. I must always uphold my reputation.
"Um…Edward…" I start slowly. "I'm not…quite sure I feel the same way about you…" I say, hoping my voice isn't shaking like I think it is.
He nods and blushes furiously, looking down like I've just killed his cat. I feel so bad that I reconsider. Maybe he is being truthful; it would be a miracle, but it wouldn't be out of the range of possiblilities. I mean, I am quite attractive, it would be natural for him to feel things about me.
"Um…Ed…" I look at him sincerely. "Maybe…maybe I do like you too…" I say, and I can see his face light up for a brief moment. So he was telling the truth. But then his face fades as suddenly as that small smile appeared, and he looks blankly at me.
"You're lying." He says in a dead voice.
"No I'm not…" I say, trying to keep my voice steady from getting to emotional. God I'm pathetic.
"Yes you are. Just shut up." He sulks quietly to himself for a moment and then slips down from his chair. "Um…maybe I should go…I'm sorry…Al and Winry are probably wondering where I am…" He says, but I know this is a lie. And he knows it's a lie too. He just wants to get away from me, the cold-hearted bastard that I am. I want to tell him how I really feel, but I can't put my thoughts into words. I don't want to start for fear of saying something wrong. But, maybe its better this way. I really don't know. I need to think about things for a while.
"Do you want me to drive you home?" I ask quietly.
"Um…could you?" He looks up at me with the most adorable doe eyes that I want to crush him in an airtight hug and kiss. But I don't. Instead I nod and drive him home, my thoughts so jumbled on the way that when I come back from driving him, I end up driving aimlessly around the city until I remember what I am doing.
My sleep was filled with dreams of Edward, and I wake in the morning thinking that he is still there beside me, like he was in my dream. But he wasn't. I sigh and go about my usual activities, ignoring the problem at hand. I go to work as usual, and go about my activities. When I talk to Edward, I try not to seem different than usual, then someone might think it's up. He plays along with my game, and things seem to go back to normal, except Edward seems more subdued. I hope he'll get over it soon, his moping makes my heart ache. Plus he looks extremely sexy when he's upset. Things go on like this for weeks, but I can't commit. I feel like now that I've made my statement I can't go back.
A few weeks later, I come into the office and ask Riza about Edward.
"Has the little one been into the office yet?" I ask her, referring to the bane of my existence. I both wish that he was there so I could watch him, yet wish that he would stay away for my own sanity.
"Nope, he hasn't been in yet…" Riza says, and gives me another strange look, like its weird for me to ask about my subordinates, like she knows something.
"It's way past noon, shouldn't he be in?" I say, having some strange feeling that something is wrong, though of course that's ridiculous.
Though maybe not.
He had seemed rather distant in the weeks after his confession that he liked me, and I wanted to ask what was wrong, but I couldn't let myself get too close. I couldn't let myself get emotionally attached.
If only he knew what that night did to me, to my sanity. Some nights I just thought I should give in to my heart, rush over there and hold him in my arms forever, knowing that my feelings were returned. But how could I? We are both men, I am his superior officer, and lets be frank, things cannot always work out in the real world as in the fantasy world of my mind.
I told myself that it was just a passing fancy and that if I ignored it, it would go away for the both of us. It would be better for both of us, I told myself, and I kept wishing that I was right. But if anything, knowing of Ed's feelings for me only made it harder, knowing that what I wanted was just in reach, but there were too many restrictions, too many walls of society to get to the goal.
I lived in fear that someone would find out – how? Don't ask me, I'm paranoid – and I would loose my job; that's another reason why I didn't just press my mouth to his in answer that night. I am too selfish.
I kept playing what he said that night over and over in my mind, like a broken record that skips back to say the same lines again, and again, and again, torturing me until I drive myself to drink. I had always had a weakness for alcohol, and it seems that its coming back full force now. When I have that bottle in my hand, I feel so vulnerable, but that's drug induced. Ed makes me feel vulnerable just being who he is, and I want more of that.
I sigh and lean further on my desk, my head dropping to the surface, scattering papers everywhere, mostly papers concerning Edward, because I'm obsessive like that. I just want to check up on everything he's doing though, and make sure that he doesn't need any help.
I glance up at the clock. Two o'clock.
Edward should be in by now, what if something's wrong?
I decide to go pay him a visit. I sense that something is going to happen when I go over there; maybe I will finally give in to my feelings. I hope I won't be so weak as to let my heart take over my body.
"Riza!" I call. "I'm going to check where Fullmetal is…he should be in by now.
"Why?" She sounds puzzled.
"He should have…" I start to repeat myself but she cuts in.
"I mean why don't you just call him?" She says, and I feel like swearing.
"I did…" I lie; glad she can't see my face well.
"Maybe he's sick." Damn that woman has an excuse for everything.
"Well, then I'll just go on my lunch break as well, it won't take any extra time." I try to sound nonchalant. I'm very good at that. I put on my coat and walk into her office. "I'll be back later." I say, before she can thwart that part of my plan.
I get into my car, a nice new Audi 3000. I used to love it until that day Edward got into it. Now every time I get into this damn car all I can think about is his laughing face and his feet on the dashboard. Then I remember driving him home after I rejected him, and kick myself. I wonder how much pain I've put him in because of that. I'm sure he'll get over it; after all, it was only a harmless crush. Nothing like this unhealthy obsession I have for him.
I drive without really looking where I'm going, and somehow my car knows where to take me.
As I drive, I have time to think about things, and perhaps that is unhealthy, because I start thinking radical ideas about how we could make it work.
My heart fantasizes without my mind's consent and rationale, showing me images of Edward and I cuddled up on a bed, or couch, kissing, or just sharing a moment while we watch a movie and bask in each other's love. Then of course there are the more steamy fantasies, and I snarl at my pants to keep from bringing the Indians back and making a tent in my pants.
Damn, he makes me horny though.
But…why couldn't it work? I mean…we could hide it at work, and even if we couldn't have a completely normal relationship, at least we could share time in the safety of our apartments together. We could at least try to make it work. And if it didn't, well…what would be the harm? At least we would've tried, just to see what would happen.
That's it. I've made up mind. I'm going to tell Edward, and we're going to try to have a relationship. That is, if he'll still have me. Which I'm sure he would. After all, who wouldn't want the great Roy Mustang? He must know about my superior sex skills, and want to have a go at that too.
Finally, I reach the apartment. I park, get out, and climb the stairs. When I get there, I knock, and feel an overwhelmingly strong, almost spiritual presence around me. I've got to say, it creeps me out a little. I glance up and down the halls and see no one; I only feel a cool breeze on me, despite the fact that there are no windows to be seen in the hallway. A shiver goes up and down my spine, and I knock again, this time more impatiently.
After waiting for what seems like forever, I decide to just go ahead and break down his door. "I'm coming in Fullmetal!" I say, unless he was just getting out of the shower or something and that's why he didn't answer the door. I didn't want to surprise him and walk in on him naked.
Actually. I did. But that would be a little embarrassing for him. Especially if I couldn't control myself and started drooling or something. Mostly I can control myself, but there are those times…
I walk into the living room and immediately stop. Something is wrong. Something is horribly, horribly wrong. I can't explain the feeling I have, but it is one of extreme dread, an intense emotion that I have never felt. That chilling feeling that I got in the hallway intensifies and I whirl around, as if there is something there. I see a glimmer, but I blame my imagination. Usually my imagination is fairly dormant when it comes to those sorts of things, but right now it seems to be back in full force, of course, when I least want it.
"Fullmetal? I have something to tell you! Stop scaring me!...where are you…Edward?" I call his name, going into a panic when I reach the kitchen and see two pieces of paper on the counter. I go over and start reading.
"Dear Al…I'm sorry I had to leave this way…"
The paper falls from my hands to the floor.
No. Surely he can't mean that.
He couldn't possibly…
He ran away, yes, that's what he did.
I tell myself to take deep breaths and read the rest of the note so that I can maybe catch a clue of where he ran to.
Then I see the words that make my heart plummet all the way into the earth's core.
Cremate me.
…..
My thoughts were absent at that point in time. I cannot begin to say what I was thinking, because I wasn't. It was as simple as that. I couldn't comprehend this. Why?
I must've stood there standing, holding the note in my trembling hands when I think with horror. Oh no.
Cremate me.
That means…
I stumble to bathroom and fall to my knees in anguish at the sight that meets me.
It can't be true.
The hair on the back of my neck stands up as that presence I had been feeling before intensifies beyond bearable.
Tears start falling down my cheeks; the first time in who knows how long. It has certainly been more than five years at least since I've cried. Edward had made me feel emotions I didn't know I had for months, and he leaves the same way, scaring me as my own emotions get out of hand.
I didn't know Roy Mustang had emotions. I thought my tear ducts were dry, filled with…flame perhaps. Ha.
Oh no, I'm definitely losing it. Here I am, my head in my hands, rocking on Ed's bathroom floor while his body lies dead in a bathtub of watery blood.
I gasp as that thought really penetrates my mind and I rush to the toilet, praying to the porcelain gods as I lose my small breakfast of a muffin and coffee. I feel sicker than I ever have in my life.
That dead body, that corpse is Edward.
The same Edward that would laugh, snarl, bicker, punch, glower, and bitch at me.
The same little Edward who would launch himself at me at any mention of his height.
The same adorable Edward with the sexy abs and beautiful hair that makes me hard just imagining what it would feel like against my chest after a night together.
The same Edward whom I was going to tell my feelings to today.
…..
Oh no.
It's my fault.
I know it. He had been acting differently since that night, what if it put him over the edge? My cruelty and emotionless, perhaps even harsh remarks afterwards might've given him a complex that he couldn't have shaken. Why did I do that? Why had I been such a coward? If I had just sucked it up and told him, maybe he would still be here with me today? I can't believe this.
I killed him.
I killed an angel.
I should go to hell.
In fact, that's what I'm going to do. If I kill myself, I will most certainly go to hell. I haven't done a good thing in my life, and I deserve it. After all, what am I living for? I'm an empty shell devoid of emotion, a workaholic with no one to come home for, no one to work for, and no one to get through the day for. I haven't made any contributions to society, I have never helped anyone, and frankly I think the world would be better of without me.
Edward would've.
All these thoughts are racing through my head as I press it to the side of the cool toilet, trying to bring myself back to reality. I stand up on wobbly, suddenly klutzy and awkward too long legs. Usually I'm the epitome of grace and relaxed confidence, but now these things are lost on me.
I stand over the tub, and force myself to look at this pitiful sight.
I start crying all over again. No one deserves this. Why did he have to do this? If he had just waited…but a few hours and I would've been here. Then again, I can't give myself too much credit. It could've been something completely unrelated to me. But I have a suspicion. A very large suspicion. And I'm not usually wrong.
The bathtub is nearly overflowing, and if there was any movement in the water, which there's not, the water and blood would spill over and create a flood of the bathroom.
Edward….he breaks my heart. He is lying in only his boxers, which have little flames on them, I notice with a pang in my heart. The water is surrounding him and he looks so at peace that there is something magical about his position. The bloody water surrounds him like petals of a red rose, and he is the center, like he was the center of my world.
His small body seems even smaller, so childlike yet so beautiful and desirable to me more than ever. I just want to hold him, protect him, and tell him how much I love him so nothing like this could ever happen, because he would be happy. How could I have neglected and pushed away such a precious treasure? I truly am an idiot, and I deserve to die, to see what Edward went through in his pain.
How shall I do it?
It wouldn't be very original if I went the same way as him, that's called copying. Plus, the bathtub is already occupied.
I have a gun, but that is so traditional. If I'm going to do this, I might as well get a little creative.
I go back into the kitchen with a last look at Edward's fragile, empty body. He looks like the boy I was so enamored with, yet something about him is quite different. His soul is not there; that is it. This thought is very strange to me, and I shiver as I think of Edward's body being just that, a body, a hollow corpse…I shiver again. Edward should never be thought of as a corpse. He is too beautiful for such deprecating terms.
In the kitchen I see the knives, and think I could use them, but my skin crawls at that thought.
Hm.
What is this?
I'm looking on the counter and I find a letter that I hadn't noticed before. On it is written 'Roy Mustang'.
My breath catches in my throat.
A final message from him and it's for me.
I'm not sure if I want to read it. What if it's something…not what I would expect and he just wants to call me a sick bastard one last time, wanting to guilt me one last time for rejecting him?
Well, I'm not going to die without reading it, so I get it over with and slit it open with a knife, cringing as I think that just a short time ago Edward was doing the same, but to his own body. I bite my lip to keep from crying out.
Dear Roy,
By now you know that I've killed myself. I'm sorry; I know it was a really awful, pathetic, and selfish thing to do. But I can't live this way anymore. I mean not talking to you, you acting like I don't exist, even more so than before I told you my feelings for you. I know I was a complete idiot to guess that you would ever feel the same way. What can I say; you had me under your helpless spell. But I don't mean to guilt you with this letter, and I'm getting carried away. I have to do this before I get scared and back out. I really did like you though, and I had hoped that maybe you could put the conventions of society behind you so maybe we could have made it work. Even if sometimes we drive each other nuts, I would be dammed if there wasn't even just a hint of an attraction for me as well. So I'm sorry, but I have realized I have nothing to live for, and I hope you will remember me fondly, not all those times I called you a cold, heartless bastard. You could be a good guy if you just didn't try to be that way. Well, good luck.
-heart-
Edward.
That was all. All it took for me to completely and utterly hate my own guts. I had him, and I gave him up. My heart plummeted again, even further than it had before, and I didn't think that was possible.
In that moment I made my decision. I didn't care how I died, screw the symbolic or fancy suicide methods, I just wanted to be gone. I don't deserve this beautiful world.
Goodbye my Edward, I am terribly, terribly sorry. I wish I could say I'd see you on the other side, but I won't. Because I'm going to hell and you're in heaven with the other beautiful, tempting, and adorable angels like you.
Goodbye.
With that I drew my gun, raised my hand, which by now was trembling like a small animal in the cold, cocked it, and pulled the trigger to my head.
And in that moment, I knew nothing but relief.
A/N: Okay! I'm done! This one isn't as long as the other, because I had already written up the story and so I didn't need to go into all the beginning part. Also I just like being uke Ed instead of seme Roy. And I still think Roy maybe ended up being a little too soft. I can't help it; I'm not a seme by nature. After this I might write an epilogue epilogue (since this was more like a second chapter) and have everyone's reactions. Maybe. But I'll definitely be doing an alternate story in which they live (sorry for spoilers, but its kind of obvious) I want to try writing something happy for once. Now if only my boyfriend would keep in line...xP Anyway, stay tuned! So…REVIEW PLEASE it will make me happy! Actually that would be bad in the case of this fic seeing as how I need to be emo to write it…yeah so twisted…but REVIEW ANYWAY PLEASE IT MAKES AUTHORESS WANT TO WRITE MORE. Thanks. Luv ya!