Disclaimer: I own no characters, though the plot and the names of the worlds (the Realm of Fiction, the Kingdom of FanFiction, the Empire of FictionPress, and the Fairy Tale Cellar) are all mine. Do not steal.

I mean no offense, I aim only at getting my point across.


The Fairy Tale Cellar
by Fiyero Oberon

"I don't mean to be a diva –"

"But you are one anyway," said Little Red Ridinghood, a dry quality ringing merrily through her voice. She lounged on the ratty old sofa, the one that was once fancy and had once decorated the Ball Room in Cinderella's palace.

"Stupid pessimist," said Sleeping Beauty, sticking out her tongue.

"Stupid optimist," Little Red Ridinghood shot back, rolling her eyes rather than returning the dramatic princess' childish gesture.

"Anyway," continued Sleeping Beauty, "I don't meant to be a diva, but I'm sick of sitting down here and doing nothing!"

"Agreed," said Rapunzel. "I've spent enough of my life being locked in a cellar, it's about time someone got up there and told those writers that we're sick of being abused! The palaces of our category have been robbed from us, our crowns and gowns and magic slippers given to Mary Sue and her clones, and we're locked down here, waiting for an author to remember us!"

A single light bulb hung overhead, dim and growing dimmer. Black surrounded the area with the light showing only a small area in which the sofa was set up, along with a few overstuffed chairs and a table. A fly buzzed near the bulb and it blinked, but the cellar remained otherwise dull.

Jack stood and cleared his throat. The two princesses looked up in surprise and even Little Red Ridinghood bothered to give him a glance, for Jack was not an especially chatty young man. Little Red Ridinghood, who had known Jack prior to life in the Story Cellar, for they had been childhood friends, had told the others that he had been rather talkative when he was up in the Kingdom of FanFiction. Rather dreamy, she had said, and always coming up with strange ideas. Jumping over candlesticks for good luck, baking plum pies and pulling out the round, purple fruits with his thumb, planting beans, and murdering giants were the only the beginnings of Jack Horner's life.

"We've been forgotten," said Jack. "The Heroes of every fairy tale are down here – an immense cellar indeed, and I believe I don't even know half of those of us who are down here. We come and go, sometimes here, sometimes there, sometimes no where at all, but the point is, we're not out there. But we must remember – the Heroes aren't the only ones being locked away. Our Sidekicks are out there, probably in a cellar of their own – and if the Sidekicks and Supporting Characters of our tales have been locked away by the treacherous Authors, then it's more than likely that our enemies have been locked away together as well.

"I know I am not the only one to recognize this considerable danger – Wolves, Witches, Stepmothers, Giants, Bears, Trolls – all of these are locked away together, left to plot and plan their return and ultimate overthrow. The Authors do not realize the horrible danger they have left on us! They believe their fluffy original fiction to be harmless and claim that these are original fairy tales – fairy tale or not, original does not belong here! We have established this world! It is not a selfish thing at all to demand our rights. They have their own place – the Empire of Fiction Press. But our world, the country of folklore, the category of fairy tales, set in the Kingdom of FanFiction – is here for us. Princess Mary Sue has thrust herself into every scenario possible – a princess upset about her arranged marriage, a princess longing for adventure, a princess looking for love, a princess who does not know she's a princess, a princess who really isn't a princess. Sometimes these scenarios are kept separate, sometimes combined into one story. But let us keep in mind that Mary Sue is the start of all of this. The Authors saw that they could put themselves into their dream situation and they took advantage of this, thrusting us all into these cellars.

"But as I've pointed out, these cellars contain not only the Heroes and the Supporting Characters, but also the Villains! Eventually the time will come when the Villains will find a way to break free and take over our world! If they had never been suppressed, they would have remained separated and our world would still be safe. Therefore, since the suppressing of the Villains will lead to evil, and Princess Mary Sue is the one suppressing these Villains, Mary Sue is evil! Let Mary Sue take her fairy tales and return to the Kingdom of Fiction Press! Let the Authors who wish to remain in the Realm of FanFiction use us, those characters who are meant to be used here, to write their stories! That's why we're here, that's why our category is here, that's why the entire Realm of FanFiction here, and that's why the Kingdom of Fiction Press is kept separate!"

With out another word, Jack stepped backwards into the darkness, set to head to another lit area where he may express this overflowing thoughts to the other Characters, the other Heroes, and perhaps he would come up with an idea to communicate with the Sidekicks. Little Red Ridinghood exchanged a look with Sleeping Beauty, who sighed and sunk into an overstuffed chair.

"He's right, you know," said Rapunzel. "It only makes sense… The Authors must realize that the fairy tale category in the Kingdom of FanFiction is for stories based on our own stories, not for original fiction. Their stories belong in the Empire of Fiction Press, and –"

"Thank you," interrupted Little Red Ridinghood. "We already heard Jack speak of it, and we understood, so you're permitted to shut up now."

A girl with brilliant golden locks came wandering in. She had once been full of cheer, with bright green eyes and a sunny expression. But now the dark pink skirt was torn and the white pinafore was no longer clean. A run-in with three Bears had frightened Goldilocks, and made her far more disturbed than she had been before. Her lock-away in the cellar had not helped matters either and Little Red Ridinghood could see clearly Jack's point of view now – but not only were the Villains growing stronger by being suppressed, but the Heroes were growing weaker.

"Have you heard Jack?" she asked, her voice sounding far-away, vague, and tired.

"He's brilliant, isn't he?" said Little Red Ridinghood. The golden-haired girl nodded and wandered dreamily out of the small pool of light.

"If only there was a way to communicate with everyone," said Sleeping Beauty thoughtfully. Little Red Ridinghood marveled over the fact that Sleeping Beauty could be thoughtful.

"None of the Heroes perform their own magic," complained Sleeping Beauty. "We've always relied on the help of others – Cinderella and her fairy godmother, me and my own fairy godparents, Little Red Ridinghood, you and the hunter, Snow White and her Dwarfs. Even the Emperor needed that little boy to point out that he was walking naked through the streets! It would be easy to light the entire cellar with magic."

"It doesn't matter," said Little Red Ridinghood. "We need to gather as many people as we can and stop Princess Mary Sue! We need to free those Villains before they figure out that they could band together and take over the entire Kingdom of FanFiction and, furthermore, possibly the entire Realm of Fiction!" She stands quickly and adjusts the worn red cape that hangs tiredly from her shoulders. "Sleeping Beauty, find Beauty and Snow White, they're the cleverest of you princesses –"

"Hey!" both Sleeping Beauty and Rapunzel squealed.

"Oh, sorry, you're actually pretty smart as well, Rapunzel."

"Thanks!"

"Excuse me?"

"Moving on," said Little Red Ridinghood, hasty to change the subject before Sleeping Beauty threw a hissy fit. "Let's see now, Jack listed the worst of the Villains - Wolves, Witches, Stepmothers, Giants, Bears, and Trolls. I've had experience with Wolves…" She glances at the two princesses. "You two have got Witches covered and Snow White's had practice defeating a Stepmother. We'll find Jack, he knows Giants pretty well and Rapunzel, if your hurry you can catch Goldilocks, we'll need her advice on Bears."

Rapunzel hurried off in the direction in which Goldilocks had left. Her hair trailed after her in the darkness, the last of it still remaining long after Rapunzel had left.

"Trolls – who knows trolls?"

Sleeping Beauty put a finger to her lips. "Well, Queen Marigold has. She had one spin straw into gold for her and almost had to give up her baby!"

"Queen Marigold isn't exactly the brightest star in the sky," observed Little Red Ridinghood. "Anyone else?"

Sleeping Beauty screwed her eyes shut, thinking altogether too hard. "THE GOATS!" she exclaimed at last.

"I do not want to have to deal with a trio of Goats," Little Red Ridinghood decided, "especially when all three of them have the same name."

"Who names all three of their kids Gruff?" asked Sleeping Beauty, but Little Red Ridinghood decided to ignore her.

"All right then, we'll skip the Troll-fighters. A Troll can't be that hard to defeat. Rapunzel's catching up with Goldilocks, and you'll go find Beauty and Snow White, and I'll find Jack. But we need someone to help us defeat the Worst of the Worst…"

Sleeping Beauty's eyes widened. "Who?"

Little Red Ridinghood's expression darkened. "Princess Mary Sue."

Sleeping Beauty's face brightened, contrasting beautifully with the shaded show on Little Red Ridinghood's face. "Prince Charming could do the trick!" said Sleeping Beauty. "Mary Sue and her clones can't help but succumb to a sexy hunk. And they love those sensual scenes too, maybe we can get Charming shirtless under some silk sheets and have Mary Sue slowly slip out of her modern underwear – which, of course, it should be noted that medieval stories should not contain modern underwear – and Mary Sue can slowly crawl into bed with Charming and as he starts to lick her face off, he –"

"WAY TOO GRAPHIC!" cried Little Red Ridinghood.

"Nooo, listen!" screamed Sleeping Beauty. "As he starts to lick her face off, he can stab her in the back!"

"Sleeping Beauty, that's – that's –" Little Red Ridinghood cut herself off as she began to truly comprehend her ditzy, drowsy companion's plan. "That's BRILLIANT! Quickly now, go find Beauty and Snow White, I'll get Charming and Jack. Meet back here in ten minutes! Now go!"


Meanwhile, back at the ranch…


Princess Mary Sue sat on top of her throne in her bedroom. It should be recognized by all that only Mary Sue and her clones have thrones in their bedrooms. She held a hand mirror in her hand, a rather remarkably obvious place to hold such an item, and gazed at her reflection. Two sapphire spheres met two sapphire spheres as Mary Sue made eye contact with herself. She lovingly curled a lock of butter-yellow blonde curls around her finger and pulled it away, letting it spring back into place. Betty Jane, Mary Sue's servant and best friend, came into the room and curtsied.

"Oh, Betty Jane! How many times must I tell you! You don't need to curtsy for me!"

"Yes, Your Highness."

"Oh, Betty Jane! How many times must I tell you! Please, call me Mary Sue!"

"Yes, Your High – Mary Sue. You are so good to me."

"I know!" squealed Princess Mary Sue, turning back to her mirror.

"Pardon me, Your Highness, but isn't a mirror a sign of vanity and, therefore, villainy?"

Mary Sue gave Betty Jane a dirty look and the servant girl curtsied and hurried away.

As the door slammed behind Betty Jane, spider crawled up the chair and as Princes Mary Sue noticed through her hand mirror, she let out a squeal and hurried away. Meanwhile, up above, Princess Mary Sue's Author was insisting that her character, Mary Sue, was not a typical Mary Sue as recognized in the Realm of FanFiction, because her character is flawed – she is deathly afraid of spiders!


So hopefully the message of this piece is clear. Original stories are not fairy tales just because there's magic and it's about a princess. These stories belong on ! It only clutters up if you post these stories here. Please, save the whales and help keep our world clean!

Also, for the record, I have no current plans to continue this. If there's a demand for it though, I see no reason why not to, because there's definitely plenty of plot I could go off of. I've never done a full-length comedy piece, so it has potential if you all want it, but I'm not going to continue it if no one wants it. Thanks!