-Author's note: Ah, it's probably a bad idea for me to start yet another story, but here I am. I've decided that the lack of love in Konoha makes me mad, and I've also decided that I'm going to do something about it. This story will be mostly comedy but should I decide on anything else, power to me.
Story specs to see if you will enjoy it: 1. This story will take place before Sasuke goes to Orochimaru, which places it before the time skip. 2. Naruto and Sasuke will be the main characters, each with their own 'objectives'. 3. There will be perverted stuff. It's intended to be funny, but some people don't think so. If you're one of these people, I'm sorry that you can't enjoy the awesomeness.
I may or may not up this to an 'M' rating. I've never written an 'M' rated story, but I like getting as damn close as possible to it.
All of that now said, I do not own Naruto, but any other characters and ideas are my own. Enjoy...-
"...Uh...I don't know what that is..."
"...You're kidding me, right? Please tell me that was a joke."
"No...I'm...pretty not joking. I mean...well, should I know what it is? If I don't, it can't be that important."
"That may very well have been the dumbest thing you've ever said. Naruto, how in the world can you not know what sex is?"
"Well, hell, I ask you a simple question, and you go and turn it into a confusing mess! Just tell me what it is so I can get it."
Hatake Kakashi was walking down the streets of Konoha with his student, even though he was feeling less and less like his student. Jiraiya had pretty much taken over. That was part of why he found it so hard to believe that Naruto didn't know what sex was. It looked like the unpleasant mission of teaching the blonde had fallen upon him, as he had no parents to do the dirty work. Ninjas didn't exactly get a sex ed class, either. Where would they put it? In-between assassination 101 and weapons training 224? ...Actually, weapons training could probably be implemented...
"Hey! Quit spacing out!" Naruto shouted, punching Kakashi in the shoulder to get his attention back.
The copy ninja rubbed the spot on his arm, "You know, Naruto, when you asked me what Hinata might want from you for her birthday, and I said sex, it was mostly a joke. I thought you would get it, and we'd just have a quick laugh."
"See? 'Mostly' a joke. That means that you think a part of her does want me to give her sex. I mean, I don't want to get her a crappy present she doesn't want. She's always so nice to everybody, so I should get her something really good!" Naruto pumped a fist into the air, "Besides, I bet Lee my gift would be better, so I need to give her the best thing I can think of!"
"Well, you would definitely win that bet if...ugh, wait! Naruto, no! I was just kidding, so let it go." At first, Kakashi thought that maybe he should be the one to tell Naruto about the birds and the bees. Now, he was having second thoughts. That sounded like more of a job for Iruka. Or even Jiraiya, as twisted as that might turn out. Hell, Anko would probably get the job done better than he had the mind to. Hm...having a woman teach him about sex just might be the way to go...
Shikamaru Nara spotted his two friends, and hurried up to them from behind only to hear Naruto say, "I'm never gonna leave you alone if you don't tell me where to get some sex!" He quickly wheeled around, and made off in the opposite direction. That was a little too troublesome to become a part of.
"Ok, look. I'll make a deal with you. Go and ask some other adults about it, and if you can't get a solid answer out of anyone, then I'll fill you in..." Kakashi groaned, rubbing the back of his neck.
"Well, because...it's part of the deal, that's why. Now get out of here."
And Naruto was off to ask what sex was.
Question: What is sex? Answers received:
Old lady selling umbrellas on the street: "Sex is a dirty, dirty thing that you must never, ever do! You'll get diseases!"
Information obtained: Sex is an activity, and will result in sickness.
Mr. Ichiraku: "What? Is that why you keep coming here? Naruto, if you ever so much as touch Ayame, I'll cut off your hands and any other appendages that may or may not have touched her! Do you understand?"
Information obtained: Sex involves touching, and makes men very, very mad. It would appear to involve a girl, because Mr. Ichiraku didn't seem concerned for himself, at all.
Ayame, about five seconds later: "Hey, leave him alone! Naruto, sex is what a man and a woman do when they love each other. They...uh...well, they kind of...get naked and, uh...start bouncing around...do you understand? Oh, forget it, just get out of here before I get mad!"
Information obtained: Sex definitely involves girls, possibly one girl and one boy at a time. You must be naked to do sex, it sounded. Then you bounce around, thus engaging in the sex. Love may have something to do with it, but that sounded like a joke. It seemed to make women mad, too.
Kurenai: "Sex is how women say sorry after making a mistake. Sex is also how men prove they are the weaker sex. Over and over again..." She sighed, walking away while muttering to herself and shaking her head.
Information obtained: The sex is used as an apology, and makes women stronger than men. Over and over again.
Iruka: "Where the hell did that come from? Uh...well, you see...sex is a special thing that a man and a woman do when they are deep in love, and want to express their love for one another. Uh...you should probably get married before having sex, but you don't have to. Oh, also, make sure you wear protection, Naruto! ...Yeah, I know you have to be naked to do sex, but...did you just say 'do sex'?"
Information obtained: You need to wear protective gear to do sex. How is that possible if you have to be naked, though? The sex sounds like a real confusing mess, so far.
Anko: "Ha, ha, you really want to know? How about you come home with me and I'll show you?"
Information obtained: DO NOT go to Anko's house. She'll get naked and is hard to get away from. ...Chains and whips, apparently, play a role in the dangerous activity known as the sex.
Gai: "Sex is the most youthful of all youthful things! Youthful young girls are like beautiful lotus blossoms, and it is the job of youthful young men to un-blossom them! To spread the seeds of youth for the future generations to grow, and be even more youthful! It is a cycle, Naruto, a cycle of youth."
Information obtained: Gai either has some really good weed, or some really bad crack.
Tsunade: "Ha! Ha, ha, ha...That is probably the funniest thing I have ever heard! Ha, ha...Oh, God, my stomach, ow...It's also kinda sad. You're getting pretty old. Ask Shizune, she'll tell you."
Information obtained: It's sad that I don't know what the sex is.
Shizune: "Well, sex is how babies are made. Moms and dads, when they decide they're ready, have sex so that the woman gets pregnant, and haves the baby nine months later. ...You don't know how to have sex? ...Uh...I have a...thing I need to go do. Right now, see ya!"
Information obtained: Babies are made because of the sex. Not sure how that happens, but ok. Maybe it's one of the diseases that the old lady mentioned that causes women to get pregnant? That was a disease he seriously didn't want to get. The risk for men must be low, because he had never seen a pregnant man. Lastly, Shizune runs really, really fast.
Genma: "How Shizune vents. ...Dammit, forget I said that! No, really, forget about that, seriously! Here, money for lunch, my treat. Please, don't repeat that, ever!"
Information obtained: The sex is used to vent. Also, it is a good way to get free things. Like lunch! Altering question to test this theory.
Question: How much does sex cost? Answer received:
Asuma: "Depends on the girl. Some want a forty dollar date, others want a trip to some islands, or something. Thing is, sex never comes free. There's always some kind of strings attached to it, she always wants something. That's a pretty good question to be asking so young, kid, I'm impressed."
Information obtained: Girls do the sex with people because they want something. I wonder if guys do that, too? Maybe I could do the sex with a girl so she buys me ramen... But how can you give the sex to someone for a present if they only do it with you if they want something from you? The sex is full of messed up logic. Well, that should be enough trying. Back to Kakashi-sensei...
"Well? You're all good now, right?" Kakashi asked wearily, wondering exactly how Naruto had found him out in the training grounds, hiding up in one of the innumerable trees. Damn those ninja tracking skills, damn them to hell.
Naruto shook his head 'no', drawing out a groan from Kakashi.
"Well, what DID you learn?"
"Ok, well, this is what I've got so far: Sex is an activity between a man and a woman, in which they get naked and bounce around the room together. You have to wear protective gear, or else you'll get diseases and pregnant, but at the same time, you have to be naked. It makes guys and girls mad to talk about, and Anko is a scary, scary woman. Don't go to her house, seriously. Um...Oh, people use sex to get things they want, like ramen and money. Some people use sex to 'vent', I guess because it's dangerous and takes their minds off of their problems. Oh, almost forgot: Women use sex to say 'sorry', but I don't know why. Last, if I ever need drugs for any reason, I'll go find Gai," Naruto concluded, sitting beside his teacher up in the tree.
Letting out a sigh that was hidden under the onset of a gentle breeze, Kakashi mumbled, "The saddest part of that whole thing is that some of it was pretty accurate. You still don't know how to have sex, though?"
Naruto shook his head, "Which means you have to tell me, now!"
Kakashi nodded a little, reaching into his ninja gear bag and pulling out a tape, which he handed to Naruto, "I figured it would come to this, so I was prepared. That will explain everything. That's all I'm going to say."
"'Night of the Ninja, the Second Coming'?" Naruto read the title aloud, wondering why the box for it was completely black. No pictures or description or anything.
"Uh-huh. Now if you'll excuse me, I've got a lot of avoiding you to do now, so I'll be leaving," With those words, the copy ninja vanished in a puff of smoke, leaving Naruto alone to wonder what the tape held. The VCR in his apartment was waiting for him, and he had something to feed it.
-Author's other note: Looking over this, it may very well need to be bumped up to 'M'. Well, if other people say so, I guess I will. I don't know, though. If you're thirteen, chances are you know everything in here already. Oh, by the way, I don't advocate drugs. Crack is supposed to be dangerous, so watch it.
Anyway, this is just an introduction to Naruto learning about sex, and seeing what he does with the newfound knowledge. Sasuke will be in the next chapter, I believe, and his role will be established.
I don't know exactly if this story is worth continuing, but if enough people enjoy it, I'll keep going. I appreciate all reviews I may get, even if it's to tell me what a perverted jackass I am. ...Don't think I've been called that, yet, but give it time. Thanks for reading...-