-Author's note: To those of you who might have noticed, yes, I did change my name. If only plain old 'Serac' wasn't already taken...
I do not own Naruto, but any other characters and ideas are my own. Enjoy...-
"Where's your mouthwash?"
"You swish it around in your mouth to get out bad tastes and get fresh breath?"
"Oh, that's...under the sink...I guess..."
Sasuke dropped to a knee, flipping the cabinet open in his search for something to get the foul taste of vomit from his mouth. He shifted through the items, sighing before rising to his feet and leaving the bathroom.
"Did you find it?" Naruto asked, still sitting in front of his television, the static still filling the room with its angry sound.
"Cups of instant ramen are not mouthwash, Naruto," Sasuke groaned, sitting beside his friend.
"But it helps get rid of bad tastes, and nothing smells better than ramen, so it fit the bill. Ah, whatever..."
The two sat there side by side for a few minutes, neither one sure exactly what should be said. It took a while before Sasuke even realized he had throw up on his shirt, which caused him to ask Naruto a question he never really thought he'd have to ask, "Can I use your shower?"
"God, please. You smell awful," The blonde replied, standing up and moving to the VCR. He hit the rewind button.
"Uh, what are you doing?" Sasuke asked, standing up and slowly moving for the bathroom.
"I'm going to...I'm going to watch it again. Seriously, there's something about sex that we must be missing. A secret, or something."
Stopped outside the bathroom door, Sasuke replied, "Maybe it had something to do with that...thing...he put on..."
"The water balloon? Maybe...we'll have to find out why he did that, 'cause I have no idea. We're gonna figure this thing out, because everyone I asked yesterday knew what this was, and I will NOT be the only one in the village who doesn't know about it. No more being an outsider for me, especially when I can avoid it," Naruto hit play and, with a deep breath, returned to his seat.
"Did you say 'we' were going to figure this out?"
"Yeah, I did. If this is how babies are made, then you have to know about it, too, so you can revive your clan. Plus, I really don't want to have to do it alone."
With a grunt that told Naruto he would probably always be doing it alone, Sasuke closed the door and got into the shower.
"Why would she do that? There is NO logical reason for her to be doing that! ...What? I don't even...no one ever said anything about THAT! What the hell is that? ...God, if they don't stop talking about cats, I'm going to get mad!" Naruto, without really thinking about it, stood up and went to answer his door, as someone had just knocked. Turning the tape off before doing so never registered as a good idea, for the witless blonde.
He was pleased to find Sakura was there, looking somewhat apologetic. Before he could even open his mouth, she had opened her own, "Naruto, about earlier...uh, what you said kind of...did you mean it?"
Naruto's jaw dropped, and his eyes widened. She was blushing, and at the same time was avoiding eye contact. Either she was making sure she should be mad at him, or she had thought about helping him!
"It's just...you know, if you need help with it...and stuff...m-maybe you could...help ME with it, too...for Sasuke-kun..."
Naruto forced himself to shut his mouth, only to open it again to speak, "S-S-Sakura-chan, you d-do know what sex is, r-right?"
Sakura nodded a little bit, blushing harder, "We can practice it together...for other people..."
That was when Naruto knew why people did the sex. It didn't sound disgusting, dirty, dangerous, or any other negative word that started with a 'd'. When he thought about those things he had seen, they were horrible, filthy things that he wished he could forget. But when he thought about them with Sakura, they didn't sound repulsive, at all. In fact...Holy crap, that's what Iruka-sensei meant! He said that sex was how people in love expressed their feelings for each other! He wanted to do those things with her because he loved her, of course! Love WAS a part of sex, it wasn't just a joke, after all. Amazing...
That was when things got unpleasant for our young friend. It started with laughter, coming from the side. This, in turn, sparked laughter from Sakura. Ino spilled into sight from the hallway outside of Naruto's apartment.
"Oh my God, I can't believe you actually said that! 'We can practice it together, for other people!'" The blonde girl declared dramatically, putting a hand to her forehead and leaning in at Naruto like she were going to accost him.
"Naruto, I was wrong about what I said about you, earlier. Jiraiya really HAS made you a pervert," Sakura stated in-between fits of laughter.
"S-So, what you just said..." Naruto, always slow to catch on, had to ask, "Was a joke?"
"Of course it was a joke! No one would want to have sex with you, God!" Sakura shivered at the thought, and was considering punching Naruto again. Earlier might not have been enough.
That was when things got even more unpleasant for our young friend. From inside his apartment, Sasuke called out, "Naruto! Where do you keep your towels? I can't find them anywhere. Naruto?"
Sakura's eyes widened as she and Ino leaned in to the room, looking after the owner to the voice they both loved. Though they couldn't see Sasuke, they did get an eyeful of pornographic video on the television.
That was when things got outright bad for our young friend. Sasuke, donning only a small towel which barely got around his waist, stepped out of the bathroom to get Naruto to show him where the damned towels were, "All I could find was this big hand towel, and that's not gonna do it for me. Hurry up, after tonight I've seen enough naked to last me a lifetime. I want to get dressed." It was at this point that Sasuke realized Naruto wasn't at the couch, rather, he was at the door. With Ino and Sakura.
The three at the door looked at Sasuke, dripping wet and wearing only a hand towel, to the porno on the television, then back to Sasuke.
That was when things went straight to hell in a hand basket for our young friend. Fueled by embarrassment, Naruto did what may have been the dumbest, most Sakura and Ino destroying thing he could possibly do. He said, "Looks like at least ONE person wants to have sex with me," He stated, slamming the door in their faces.
Sasuke's eyes nearly popped out of his head, "OH, FU-"
"-ck! I can't do it!" Naruto exclaimed, turning around and trying to walk away.
Sasuke grabbed him by the hair and pulled him back over to the hospital room, pointing to the door, "You fix this, or I'll kill you! I swear to God, I will kill you if you don't fix this now!"
It was the next day, and Sakura and Ino had been admitted to the hospital after the trauma of last night had sent them into short-lived comas. Now, the hospital refused to allow the girls to leave, claiming they might be suicide risks.
"Maybe it's not so bad..."
"How could it not be so bad? You saw all of it..."
Ino nodded from her hospital bed, looking over at Sakura, "I know...But maybe they'd let us...you know..."
"You make me sick," The pink-haired ninja muttered, rolling around so she could bury her face into her pillow.
Their door opened up, and Naruto was pushed inside. Sasuke slammed the door shut behind him, putting on headphones so he could await the entire problem to resolve itself.
Ino turned crimson at the sight of Naruto, and he turned red at the fact he had to tell the girls he didn't really do anything nasty with Sasuke. He wished he hadn't opened his stupid mouth at all, "Ok, look. I didn't have sex with Sasuke, and we never intended on having sex with each other. Sasuke told me to say that if he would even consider being gay, it wouldn't be with me. Then he told me to say that you two are sickos, and it's not even possible for two guys to have sex with each other. ...There."
Ino and Sakura were both sitting up in their beds, and both mouths were wide open.
"Oh my God," Ino mumbled.
"He IS gay..." Sakura finished, exhaling deeply.
"I know, I...wait, what?" Naruto tilted his head to the side, frowning.
"It's so obvious! I can't believe I never realized it until now," Ino muttered so quietly it was almost to herself, "You were his first kiss," She pointed at Naruto, referring to that fateful day at the academy, "He's never shown any interest in any girls no matter how cute they were, he always wants to train with Kakashi-sensei, he's obsessed with his brother...Oh my God...I'm in love with a gay man!"
Sakura banged her head on the wall behind her bed, "No! It can't be! I can't believe it!"
"Whoa, you guys, hold on! Sasuke is NOT gay. Here, look," Naruto opened up the door to find the perfect test. He was listening to some music, it was the perfect chance to ask a seemingly honest question. He reached out and grabbed one of Sasuke's headphones, lifting it from his ear, "What are you listening to?"
Sasuke shrugged, "It's my mix tape. I've got some Kylie Minogue, Dido, Cher, The Village People...The Weather Girls are on right now," Sasuke picked an incredibly poor time to be talky.
Naruto set the headphone back on Sasuke's ear, then closed the door behind him as he turned to face the two girls, "Oh sweet mother of God, he IS gay!"
"M-Maybe he was just joking! Ask him if he was joking!" Sakura practically fell out of the bed crawling forward to do the deed herself.
"Sakura-chan, I don't-"
"ASK HIM!" She screamed.
Naruto pulled the door open, only to find Sasuke swaying back and forth, singing, "It's raining men! Hallelujah! It's raining men!" With a shiver, he closed the door.
Sakura began to weep uncontrollably, and Ino tried to imagine what may have happened last night that they had missed...
"S-Sakura-chan, don't worry! We can fix this!" Naruto tried to comfort the girl, seeing her cry making him feel so bad it hurt.
"He's right!" Ino shouted, jumping up and standing on the bed, "Those teen magazines are packed with solutions to this kind of problem! All we have to do is bring him back to the light! The light of women! Naruto!" Ino turned to face Naruto, who shook his head.
"I don't want any part of this, are you kidding me? This is NOT the area of sex I even need to concern myself with. Hinata's birthday is in two weeks, and if she wants sex from me, then that means she's in love with me, because I'm pretty sure that's how sex works. So I have to deal with my problems, not yours!"
"Naruto, if you help us turn Sasuke straight, we'll help you with your thing!" Sakura exclaimed, sitting back up from her crying.
Naruto turned to look at Ino, who nodded, "Light practicing included," She stated.
"I don't love you, though."
"You don't have to love someone to...Naruto, shut the hell up and go get us some freaking magazines right now, or I'm going to tell everyone you're bumping uglies with Sasuke-kun!" Ino bluffed, pointing.
Naruto ran off as Sakura started crying again at that thought. Oh well. Since he was learning about sex, he might as well have Sakura and Ino on his side. It was just too bad that he was going to be dealing with gay stuff, first. That wasn't going to help him at all with his problems. He'd have to put Kakashi's comment about Hinata on hold for the time being. Right now, he needed to bring Sasuke back. Back from the gay side. ...The first step would be to kick the Weather Girls to the curb, and get him some Pantera, or something. Humming 'Cowboys From Hell', Naruto left the hospital.
-Author's note: I found a list of the one hundred gayest songs, and that's where Sasuke's mix came from. Awesome. Pantera came from me.
I've decided that Naruto is going to learn about sex and all of its facets in little story arcs. The situation for gayness presented itself first, so Naruto will now learn about that part of sex. Should anyone think of a good topic they would like to see covered (Insert fetish here) that they think could be funny, please say so.
Again, thank you all for the reviews. Oh, and, no. This is not going to be a yaoi story. I might poke fun at something like that, but don't expect any of that. Nothing against it, just don't want to write about it. Which means I may have picked a bad subject to start Naruto's learning on...Anyway, thanks for reading...-