Masochism

By Aly

Disclaimer: No, Twilight and New Moon are not mine.

Note: this is "The Rings of Saturn" 's sequel but it reads as a "Stand Alone" between this and "rings" barley any time has occurred and very little reference is displayed. That; and the fact that until chapter six or so, 'rings' is awful.

Chapter 1 – Your Eyes

I felt a tingling, numbing sensation captivating my skin. The feeling was intensified as if the air was heavy upon me. For some reason I wasn't convulsing and shirking away from a pain so physically intense I couldn't fight it; so draining I could barely cry out. But it was over now; and I felt empty; drained. Not exhausted but rather weary; as if my brain was still foggy on the uptake.

My lungs expanded and relinquished; surrendering the breath that had brought me peace. Filling me and leaving me wishing for more. Edwards' intoxicating scent was so powerful now. Even though my lids felt light as they fluttered open, I imagined that they were heavy, human. The world looked so strange, the detail not anything I could understand yet; it was an entirely different world.

My gaze rested upon what must be the most amazing figure in this room; Edward. I knew for some reason that we were alone. I suppose it was the rush of sweet and alien fragrances that alerted me to that fact.

My angel, so beautiful and pale, as pale as I might be, looked pensive. I knew him well enough to know something was troubling him. His hazy gold eyes flicked to meet mine. It was almost disbelief as he stood up. I was startled by his expression, relief and almost rejection. It scared me and I found the strength to sit up, a rapid movement that widened his eyes. I couldn't take the intensity of his stare so I broke the gaze and memorized the demeanor of the room; it was Edward's room, the walls stacked with music. It looked exactly the same as before except I noticed a faint stain on the carpet and the mattress-like contraption I was sitting on was new; the couch moved towards the east wall to accommodate the mattress.

I reached up to caress his face to see if it was real. He looked horrified, his look somewhere between loathing and dejection. It created an open wound where I assumed my heart might have been. "Are-" I started to speak, but my voice was heavy and low, seductive almost. It was my same voice but it was smoother and more melodic. "Are you ok?" I asked, concerned and frightened; though his presence soothed my raging rebellious mind.

He didn't answer for a long time; though I knew by the twitch of his mouth that he had heard. It seemed a long time before I heard his voice, not the confident low tone I knew, but the harder tones of his grief. The broken voice. "Your eyes!" He began; starting his rant with a passion. His eyes darkened immediately to jet black. For a moment I thought I saw a swirling presence of sea green in the depths, but it disappeared as suddenly as it appeared. "How could have I?" He demanded.

"You were so beautiful. So jovial and happy, full of life, how could I take, steal, that from you!" His voice was as desperate as a war victims' cling to sanity.

"Please don't say that!" I whispered; my voice light.

He stood up to his full height, facing away from me for a moment. "I can't justify it. Nothing can justify this betrayal to you! I could have hurt you; you could have been imperfect, what if something went wrong! You shouldn't have let me!" He raged, turning to me, finally. His eyes beyond angry to haunted. I questioned how my presence in his life could compel him to say these awful things that made my brain bounce and my eyes close against tears that would never come; wanting to stop the flood before it hit. I still couldn't quite comprehend what I'd lost and gained, I didn't feel human, but my responses were still based off the human instincts that hadn't quite dispatched from me, being so new and young. Living not as a flower but as a rock; like all the myths that described the way beauty was overrated, yet everybody in those legends seems to be incredibly beautiful or incredibly ugly.

"I had to send my family to a funeral for you Bella," He said, his mood rapidly declining to a depressed state. "I had to send them to wish you well in your death, knowing that you could have gone to heaven. But you chose Hell! You wanted Hell!"

I was too traumatized to argue; I knew he wouldn't be all rainbows and roses when I woke up. But it wasn't only his decision. "You chose it and you didn't fight it. You never screamed! I had to listen to your heart flutter and die. I had to hear, feel and watch you die when I had the power to save you so many times!"

"I could have walked out of your life at the start. I could have never spoken to you! I could have kept you human; we could have run away were nobody could have found us! I could have sucked the venom from you within minutes of it. But I wasn't strong enough. Not strong enough for you." His last line was muttered but my fresh hearing caught every word.

"You actually believe that? I love you I wanted this! I chose my path and you can't go back and take another one! All I wanted was you! All I'll ever want is you." My words were dark and he stared into my face. "I love you. Isn't that enough for me to have that; have you! Do you not love me?"

My tone was argumentative but his answer was resolute. "I love you."

"Can you make me believe it?" I asked; simply, expecting him to ignore the question or answer with a noncommittal word. His mood was still shaded if not haunted; but I believe he was trying to put a show for me; to resume his self-loathing elsewhere where he believed I wouldn't interrupt. I knew Edward was over-analytical but I'm not sure I understood how much until this moment.

His face dropped to mine, his eyes searching but still disturbed at the image I presented to him. I didn't know how different I looked; but the basics would be pale skin, a glimmering beauty, and non-human eyes that at the moment were sensitive to even the mid-lit room.

All other thoughts about my situation were forgotten as Edward's lips met mine with a sudden fervor of passion. He seemed hesitant for a moment, almost as if he was torn between the boundaries we once had and what he wanted. My lips moved urgently against his and I may have tempted him to give in for once.

His strong arms twisted around me, knotting in my hair and crushing me to him. My own arms formed a near unbreakable hold as my eyes closed. Simply enjoying the moment; I knew that I wasn't breathing and couldn't help but briefly notice that this kiss would have killed me once, before I stopped thinking about anything other than the feel of his mouth on mine. Edward's tongue ran along my lip and my lips parted as I shivered, clutching him as one of his hands ran down my back, almost piercing my skin. His tongue swept my mouth running over my teeth-

He pulled back; eyes wide in the grief I had sought to smother. Another reminder that I wasn't exactly his Bella, wasn't human as he had come to love me. It tore me to sheds as I fought to reason that he would get over it. Every movement that he would still loved me. My state was proof; wasn't it? He loved me though my overlarge canines scared him at first. It wasn't a sign of rejection that he found me disgusting. I fought down my last thoughts and tried to convince myself that it was alright. That this hell wasn't going to rot with me in it. That he'd have me; because I had now was him. I gave it all up for him; and the rest to him. There would be nothing left if he wasn't close; if his comfort didn't reach out to me. If he cut me away. If he couldn't love me anymore.

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