Unseen Wounds

Author's Note: This mostly takes place during Suikoden Tactics, chapters "The Final Showdown with Steele" and "Three Years Later".

A night of disaster…

That's what a number of us called the incidents on the night, three years ago.

For me, though…even remembering that night is more painful than anyone realizes…

Walter had announced to us that he and a few pirates, including Brandeau, Edgar and Peck, would be going out to sea to settle the score with Pirate Steele, once and for all. I felt a sharp chill inside me that spread from my…gut and permeated from skin to the marrow of my bones.

"I'm going as well," I spoke up, managing to keep from shuddering, my voice at the normal, level manner.

"Me too," I heard a woman, leaning against one of the walls, speak.

Of course you would, I thought, but never spoke. It went without saying, of course.

I had expected him to agree, but Walter had ordered Seneca to stay behind and watch over the child, Kyril. It was logical, after all…this was no ordinary expedition. This…would get bloody.

What surprised me, though, was when he asked her to look over his son if he didn't return…and then he told Kyril directly that if he didn't come back, for the young boy to carry on the Rune Cannon search in his stead.

Walter…you…never did that before…is there a premonition…?

Once we set sail on Edgar's ship, I found my thoughts racing as I watched the ocean at night. You see, I came with Walter, Seneca, Kiril and Yohn from the Scarlet Moon Empire on his mission. Although it was an understood that he was my leader…I cannot deny, even to myself, that while traveling together, through the course of time, I found myself coming to feel certain…feelings. I grew to care about Walter very much. And Kyril…while I cared for Walter as a son would a father…the young one I grew to love as though he were my own child.

Now, on that ship…I was trying to shake off a sense of dread…as well as the chill that permeated me.

When the pirate ship came into contact with Steele's (literally)…that was when, I think, everything started to go wrong.

The first was when we realized that the ship had a stowaway…and it was none other than Kyril himself. I never did learn why he had done it…but now that we were about to go into hand-to-hand combat, there was no choice but for him to join in…as long as he stayed in the back of the ship.

Walter had seen Steele's Rune Cannon and was going for the device, once we were able to fight off the enemy enough to reach it.

That, I think…was when the true disaster began.

That Rune Cannon had been, in all truth, a trap…a trap set up and sprung by Steele himself. It turned on its own, faced Walter…and fired.

I barely managed to keep back Kyril, who had screamed and tried to go to his father.

"No! It's too dangerous!" I managed to say firmly…although, at the same time, my own voice was beginning to tremble. I had heard the rumors. I had seen the aftereffects….and I prayed to the Goddess that it wasn't going to happen…not here.

That prayer, though, would not be answered.

Before our very eyes, encased in a dome of light, Walter transformed from a human being….into…the only thing that even vaguely resembled him was the torn clothes that the fishmonster was wearing.

Kyril managed to go past not only me, but Brandeau, too, and ran to what was left of Walter. The creature before our eyes didn't recognize any of us…not the pirates, not me….and not even his own son…and roared, poised to attack.

At the moment, I didn't even stop to think…I merely shouted a warning to look out…and used my weapon to pierce the fish-being. It…he…died within seconds.

Of course, that was when Steele decided to finish the rest of us off. Brandeau, Edgar and Peck worked a plan of action: The two older pirates and the rest of us would fight off the enemy while Peck was to destroy the cannon. I barely remember that battle now…I fought the enemy as well, eyes burning, body trembling with rage…

The next thing I knew, a very powerful rune had been used…namely the true Rune of Punishment. The two ships were devastated…and after that, I found myself regaining consciousness on a large piece of wood that had been part of the ship.

As I looked around, I saw Kyril on another section of debris…and I quickly swam over to him.

His injuries were grave, indeed. When I reached him, I could see he was soaking wet... There were other injuries on him, but…what caught my eye the most was that he wasn't breathing.

No…oh Goddess, no…

Somehow, Yohn appeared and silently began to work on Kyril. She turned him over and began to use her powers on first his chest. After what seemed like an eternity, he suddenly began to seize and spit out a good amount of water, then gasp harshly for breath.

"Thank you, Yohn," I managed to say, then looked down at him. Kyril had not awakened, and I could see now that the other injuries were very much life-threatening…but at least now he was breathing again.

"Kyril?" I called out, "Kyril, are you all right?" There was no answer, no response at all…and when I touched him, he felt very cold.

"He must be freezing," I said to myself…

No…there was a response. He groaned for a few moments before becoming silent once more.

"We'll make it back to the ship. Hang in there," I said to him and felt everything hit me, all at once.

Edgar had died…Peck and Brandeau was missing…it was a good bet Steele was dead as well…

Walter…had lost his humanity and died…at my hands…

Kyril…that had been a close call when I saw he wasn't breathing…and even now, he still could easily die.

Not only did my body tremble again, only more visibly, but deep inside, I felt as though I was my heart and soul were completely torn apart.

I…I…all I truly want to do now is…

I looked right at Kyril right then. If I had completed that thought, or followed on it, he'd…he would still be on this wood and die of either the wounds or the hypothermia.

I gazed at the moon in the night sky, and spoke, voice hushed and soft…and at the same time, it was shaking.

"Walter…please give me the strength to go on…if I lose Kyril too, I-!" My voice broke and so did my control over my emotions.

If I lose Kyril too, I will die.

00000

When I came into the Nest of Pirates, at dawn, I was carrying him in my arms. The pirates saw us and immediately called for their doctor and took Kyril away to the medical chamber.

Seneca saw me and immediately came over. She started to say something, but then lead me into an empty chamber and closed the door.

"Andarc, what happened?" she asked ash she turned to me, "Somebody's brought Edgar's belongings and body this morning…nobody knows how…I heard Kyril's badly hurt…where are Brandeau and Peck? And….where's Walter…?"

I was already turned away from her and I couldn't trust my voice enough to speak. If I even spoke one word, I knew I wouldn't be able to control myself.

Seneca grabbed my arm and turned me around to face her…and when I did, she gasped and took a slight step back.

"Your eyes are very red…oh no…is Walter…?"

The only thing I could do was simply nod…I didn't dare to even say yes.

She was shaking at this as she turned away for a moment…and as she turned, I could tell that the woman was going to berate me.

"Seneca, I—" I managed to say, but even that was filled with pain and grief.

The next thing I knew, instead of berating, I was being held tightly, and I couldn't hold it back any longer and leaned into her, sobbing.

I wasn't able to tell her all about it until the next day…

00000

It's been three years since that horrid catastrophe.

Barely, Kyril survived his horrible injuries, but when he finally awoke, he was much weaker than he had ever been. He was unable to fight at all.

We stopped going to places to search for Rune Cannons, just so that we could help Kyril recover…and so that we could get a handle on our rage and our grief.

Most of us, anyway.

I haven't shed a tear since that morning in the Nest of Pirates…not outwardly, anyway.

I find myself always apologizing to Kyril and Seneca for what happened on that night…and every time, he would be very depressed, while she and I would get into a heated argument. She thinks it's just survivor's guilt.

Guilt…yes…but…

They don't understand at all…while it was the mission that brought us all to the Island Nations and Kooluk…while it was Steele that had sprung that horrible trap on Walter…

…it was I that killed him. I am the one that cost Kyril his father. I am the one that cost myself…the man that I loved and saw as a father.

Every year that has passed has only made the sorrow I feel grow deeper.

I know, deep inside, that there is no way for the grief, guilt and emptiness I feel to be erased…not in life, that is. It would be easier to rid myself of it in the only way that is possible…

I don't deserve even that much forgiveness, though…so the only thing I can do is to dedicate the rest of my life to Kyril…to make sure he doesn't suffer the same fate as his father.

While living with the unseen wounds inside me that will never heal.

Kyril…and that resolve…is the only thing I have left.