8Hello! Welcome to my first attempt at a humerous fic! In this chapter, Rose take The Doctor and Jack to one of the most famous tourist attractions in New South Wales...if not the most bizzare.
Disclaimer: I do not own Doctor Who, nor do I own any of the tourist attractions mentioned here.
"Okay…open!"
Jack and The Doctor opened their eyes, and the first thing Rose saw in their faces was confusion.
"What…is that?" asked Jack, "Is that a…"
The Doctor grinned, "It's a big banana."
In front of them was, exactly as The Doctor said, a big banana. It was situated in the front of a raised platform, and it looked like that platform continued into several kiosks. The banana was, as bananas are, bright yellow and had the words "The Big Banana, Coffs Harbour" printed on it in big, black letters.
Rose laughed, "Thought you'd like it!"
The Doctor laughed with her, "How'd you find this place?"
"When I was a kid, Mum dated a travel agent…"
"I bet she did…"
"…and he took us on a trip to Australia to see all these 'big' things. Right now, we're at Coffs Harbour in New South Wales. This is the best tourist attraction in the area."
"Can't see why." Said Jack, amused, "And just how many 'big' things are there in Australia anyway?"
"Well, there is the big orange, the big bottle, the big prawn, the big oyster, the big crocodile…actually there's two of those, the big pineapple, the big cassowary, the big pheasant, the big rolling pin, the big gold digger, the big marlin, the big…what was it? Merino, that's it! And then there's the big rocking horse, and the big earthworm…"
"Okay!" shouted Jack, "Point taken! For crying out loud, who would want to build this stuff anyway?"
"Hey!" The Doctor interrupted, still grinning, "Tourists like it! I like it!"
"Yeah, but a big banana?"
"Banana's are good. Besides, this looks like a nice place." He grinned again, a big childish grin that made you want to laugh, "Let's take a closer look!"
The Doctor and Rose made their way up, while Jack walked behind them, a bemused look on his face.
"It isn't even that big." He commented as they got closer.
"Give it a rest will ya?" said Rose, lightly punching him on the shoulder, "You'll spoil it!"
The Doctor hurriedly ran up to it, examining it from top to bottom. A few children stared at him oddly, but he ignored them.
"Human architecture!" he shouted to Rose, who was still catching up, "You guys are so creative…"
"It's just a banana!" replied Jack, obviously irritated.
The Doctor turned around and began to make his way to the information desk.
"Oh!" he exclaimed, "Oh! There's a tour about the history of bananas! Oh, come on, let's go see it!"
Rose giggled, "You're like a five-year-old on his birthday!"
Jack grabbed a program and studied it sceptically. "Bunches of fun, huh?" he said, sarcasm dripping off his words, "This'll be good."
They paid for their tickets and walked into the theatre, where bunches of kids were running around and fighting over the best seat. A little baby boy walked over to Jack and looked up at him, his face smeared with ice cream and what looked like, much to Jack's disgust, banana.
"Shoo." He said, gesturing to the door, "Go away."
"Jack!" said Rose, "How can you be so mean to a kid?"
"Yeah Jack!" said The Doctor, looking over at him with amusement. Jack glared at him, and was about to comment when the lights went out. Every single head turned towards the front of the room, where single spotlight was shining behind the thin material that served as the screen. Lit up in the spotlight was a giant model elephant, and then the elephant sound effects played and a chorus of 'oooh's came from the kids in the audience. Then a picture of a banana appeared and a voice began to speak.
"Welcome to the World of Bananas educational tour…"
"This is great!" whispered The Doctor to Rose, a wide grin on his face. Rose rolled her eyes.
"The banana was first discovered by Alexander the Great, who discovered the taste of the banana in the valleys of India in 327 BC."
Behind the screen, a model of a Chinese man and a statue of a man riding a horse were both lit up. Cries of awe came from the kids, and Jack sighed.
"Can we go home?" he said.
"Shh!" whispered The Doctor, which was quickly followed by another barricade of shh-ing from the back rows. Jack sunk into his chair and Rose tried hard to suppress a giggle.
"The banana was first mentioned in Buddhist texts in 600BC…" The Chinese man and the man riding a horse were plunged into darkness and a little Buddhist monument was lit up.
"Please god…save me." Whispered Jack as the voice prattled on.
Ten or fifteen minutes later, the film stopped and the lights came back on.
"Please make your way to theatre two." Said an automated voice, "You're about to see something you may have never seen before!" Jack groaned.
"Theres more?" he asked. The Doctor slapped him on the back, "Come now…don't be such a spoil sport. Enjoy it. I am."
"That's because you're you." Jack pointed out, "Personally, I don't know what's so great about bananas."
"Well, they're a good source of potassium, very healthy, you can make cloth out of the fibres, and they've been providing the world comedy for years…you can shine your shoes with banana peels too."
"Really?" asked Rose. The Doctor nodded. Jack patted him on the shoulder.
"If I ever need my shoes shined, I'll give you a buzz." He said, and then made his way into the second theatre. Rose and The Doctor exchanged glances and then followed.
Inside was what looked like a diorama behind glass. It had the veranda of a house, a little market, a little bottle, and a barbecue. The Doctor took one glance at it and grinned.
"SpectraVision Theatre. I haven't seen this for years! Little virtual characters prancing on a solid 3-D background…most entertaining thing in the world for a kid!"
"Never seen it before?" said Jack, taking a seat, "And I was expecting something a little more advanced."
"You're not in the 51st century any more Jack." Said The Doctor, fixing him a glare, "You can't expect them to be coming out with anything too advanced."
"S'cuse me?" said Rose, slightly insulted. The Doctor ignored her.
Once again, there was scrabbling among kids for the best seat as the lights went out. The three watched, amused, as two little virtual people, a man and a woman, walked out of the model house onto the model veranda, and then waved.
"Hi!" said the woman, waving, "My name is Jennie, and this is Ben. And we are going to talk to you about bananas. Now, let's show you one…"
The little character turned to the man, who had taking a banana out of his pocket and was eating it. The woman stamped her foot.
"Ben! You ate our prop!"
The man turned to her, "Sorry, I was hungry! And bananas make a great snack…"
The virtual man threw the banana peel into a tiny bin. The woman went over to a small box and pulled out another banana.
"Well, at least he's got something right, bananas are a great snack. They're tasty, and they are also very healthy!"
"Much better than a weapon factory." Whispered The Doctor to Jack. Jack glared at him.
The show proceeded, Jack once again sinking into the seat and wishing he was back at the Time Agency.
Almost.
Finally, they were out of the theatre. Rose blinked as the sunlight hit her eyes.
"Thank god." She said, "I had no idea there was so much you could do with bananas…"
"Nature miracle fruit!" replied The Doctor.
Outside was a man dressed in a puce-y green uniform with a banana on it. His face was a picture of sheer boredom, and if that wasn't enough he was fiddling with a yo-yo. The picture of ultimate boredom.
The kids scrabbled out and surrounded the man, who put away the yo-yo and stood up.
"Hello kids. My name is Matthew" He said, without even trying to smile, "How are you today?"
"Good!" shouted the kids enthusiastically. The man yawned.
"What was your favourite bit kids?"
Several kids put their hands up, and the other ones began shouting their answers, determined to be heard. Most kids preferred the SpectraVision, and one kid commented that he liked the elephant.
The man just waited for them all to be quiet, and then he gestured to the stairs behind him that wound into the banana groves.
"And now, the guided tour through the banana groves." Said the man in his drawling voice, "Please no pushing, running, climbing or shouting. And no touching the bananas!"
A few kids mumbled protests, but proceeded up the stairs nonetheless. Jack, Rose and The Doctor followed, each glancing at the groves as they passed.
"What are those blue bags for?" asked Rose, pointing to a tree that had blue bags covering the bananas.
"They're used to keep insects out." Explained The Doctor. Jack poked at one and muttered something about primitive methods, and then quickly put his hands behind his back when the tour guide turned around. He glared at Jack suspiciously, and then addressed the group.
"Now, this is a banana tree." He said, gesturing to the tree behind him. Jack snorted and attracted yet another glare from Matthew.
"This." He said, holding up a big bulb of some sort, "Is a bunch of bananas. Under each of these leaves are almost a hundred tiny bananas we call fingers, and they are all on one leaf we call a hand. When they grow too big we cut most of them off, because we can't fit them all into one bunch. I'll now pass this around."
He gave it to the nearest kid, who studied it with awe and instantly began tearing at the leaves to see the little bananas inside. Eventually it came around to The Doctor, Rose and Jack, and The Doctor lifted the leaf to reveal rows of tiny bananas.
"There's tons there!" exclaimed Rose, "And it's so heavy…"
The Doctor nodded, "You could fill a single supermarket with this bunch alone. To bad you guys have to waste them all…"
Rose handed it to the next person, who shook her head. The Doctor snatched it off her and placed it in his jacket.
"Doctor!" whispered Rose, "That's called stealing."
"They can get another one!" The Doctor protested back, "Besides, I want to test something."
Rose shook her head. No use continuing, The Doctor would always win in the end. She waited for Jack to make a comment. When he didn't, she looked over towards him. He was standing there, head lolled to one side, making snoring noises. Rose moved over and slapped him on the side, causing him to lose his balance and stumble, eyes snapping open.
"What was that for?" he asked. Rose glared at him, the splitting image of her mother. Suddenly, a kid turned around and faced them.
"Excuse me." He said, "Some of us are trying to learn here. Get a room why don't you?"
Rose heard The Doctor behind her, laughing, and she herself tried to suppress giggles.
"And now." They heard Matthew say, "The next part of the tour."
The group marched, single file, towards a shed. Matthew opened the door and they all crowded into a large room with crates of bananas stacked in every corner and a large machine with more bananas stacked on top of it. Above it was a television, and when they walked in it began to play.
"When bananas are picked." A voice explained, "They are put onto this machine here, which washes them."
The machine below turned on, and began rotating. A shower of water appeared to one side, and the bananas went through it.
"They are then broken into bunches, which are packed into these boxes to be sent to the supermarket."
Matthew gestured at the boxes around them and the television showed a few men cutting bananas and putting them in boxes.
"Well, that concludes the World of Bananas educational tour. I hope you all had fun, and will you please make your way to the games room on your left when ready." the television went blank. Matthew picked up a tray of bananas and began handing them out to people as they left to go to the games room. The Doctor, Rose and Jack took one, and then Jack laughed.
"Reminds me of that switch you made." He said light-heartedly, "Just so you know, I'm ready if that ever happens again. So don't you try it."
"Me?" asked The Doctor innocently, "Why Jack, how could you say such a thing?"
Jack shook his head and turned away, but then The Doctor put his hand up,
"Oh Jack?" he said, "Where's your gun?"
Jack knew The Doctor and Rose knew he carried a gun with him at all times. They teased him about it constantly. But, confident, he swiftly pulled the gun out of his back pocket and showed them.
"Here, see? Nothing…"
He blinked. He wasn't holding the gun. He was holding a banana.
The Doctor and Rose burst out laughing. Jack felt his cheeks go red.
"Ha ha." He said, "Funny. Can I have my gun back now?"
The Doctor laughed again, "You should know better than to take a gun to a family place! I'll give it back if you behave."
Jack gave him a withering look, and then put the banana back into his pocket, "I will get you back for this one day."
The Doctor just laughed at him and moved on through the door. Rose shook her head at him, grinning, and then followed. Jack stood there for a moment, glaring at the bananas on the machine, and then followed sulkily behind them.
Ten minutes later, the companions exited the games room laughing their heads off.
"That was so fun!" exclaimed Rose, "You should have seen your face when you tried to lift that banana bunch…" she giggled.
"I'm not that strong okay?" said The Doctor, offended.
"Jack could lift it."
"Jack is from the 51st century. And I'm nine hundred years older than him."
Jack laughed, "Really? That old?"
The Doctor grinned at him, "Don't forget I have the picture of you wearing Carmen Miranda's hat."
"Is anybody hungry?" asked Jack, quickly changing the subject, "Cos I'm hungry."
"Me too." Said Rose, "I wonder what they're got…"
"There's a food court over there." Pointed out The Doctor, "Let's check it out."
They headed down to the building, and they walked in and halted.
Every stall was full of bananas. Banana Ice cream, chocolate coated bananas, banana splits, banana fritters, banana salads, barbequed bananas, banana sandwiches.
Bananas.
Jack groaned, "Why me? Why?"
The Doctor slapped him on the back, "Well, it's about time we all tried something new. Go on." He dug out a few ten dollar notes from his pocket and slapped them into Jack and Rose's hands, "Have whatever you want. I'll get a table."
Jack went over to a stall and studied their hot food. A lady came up to him and Jack looked up.
"Ah, hello!" he said, "Could I perhaps have a meat pie and a large chips?"
"If you buy a 500ml drink." Said the lady, "We'll give you a free banana fritter."
"Uh…no thanks."
The lady stared at him, "It's only an extra dollar fifty. And they're good bananas."
"Noticed." Said Jack, "I've already got one. Could I just…"
"What about this?" said the lady, "You could upgrade to the Banana Fun pack. Banana roll, chips, two banana fritters and a coupon for a chocolate coated banana. And only for five dollars. Can't get a better deal than that."
"No." said Jack firmly, "I just want a meat pie and chips. Please."
The lady grudgingly picked out the food and placed it in a brown paper bag. Jack handed over the money and quickly retreated before she could fire any more offers at him. At the table he found The Doctor and Rose sitting down, happily munching away at sandwiches. He sat down.
"I bring chips!" he said, pulling the bag out and putting it in the middle of the table. Rose squealed and smiled at him.
"Jack? Did you know that I love you and you are the most fantastic man I have ever met?" she asked, reaching for the chips. The Doctor choked on his sandwich.
"Excuse me? I took you travelling through time and space and you never told me that!" he complained, "And I brought you chips!"
"What are you two eating anyway?" asked Jack curiously, taking out his meat pie. The Doctor opened the sandwich to reveal a pinkish meat underneath a weird, chunky yellow paste.
"Bacon and banana sandwich." He said, "It's not bad. Want to try some?"
Jack stared at the pulpy mess, gulped and shook his head, "What about you Rose?"
Rose held up a gigantic cup, "Banana smoothie. They have great food here, I'll admit."
Jack took a bite out of his pie, "I'm happy with ordinary food, thanks."
"Oh come on!" Rose punched him in the shoulder, "Where's your sense of adventure?"
Jack poked his tongue out childishly at her and reached for a chip, "I have one. I just don't like the idea of losing the entire contents of my stomach, that's all."
They ate in silence for a minute or two, and then The Doctor stood up.
"Well, no point wasting time here!" he said.
"Are we going back?" asked Jack hopefully.
"No, we're going souvenir shopping!" exclaimed The Doctor, "You can't go to a big banana and not get souvenirs!"
Jack stared at him for a moment, and then laid his head in his hands. He was really reconsidering travelling with The Doctor…
When the group walked into the souvenir shop, they were confronted by a wave of yellow.
"Oh my god." Whispered Jack.
"And you thought the food court was bad." said The Doctor.
Everything here, like everything else, was banana related. Jack glanced over at a small model of a dancing banana and sighed.
"This is your century, not mine." He whispered into Rose's ear.
Rose picked up an environmentally friendly banana bag and picked a snow globe off the shelf.
"Shut it." She said, "Let's go shopping!"
The Doctor grinned at Jack triumphantly, "See; now that's the proper time travelling attitude!"
He picked out one of the dancing bananas and threw it into Rose's bag, "For the TARDIS dashboard!"
Rose laughed, "Your turn Jack!"
Jack surveyed the trinkets suspiciously, and then pulled down three key rings off a hook.
"For you Rose." He said, "Cos' I know for a fact you keep losing the TARDIS key whenever you take it out of your jacket."
Rose blushed. The Doctor laughed, "That's the spirit!"
They moved on like this for a while, collecting a backpack, a few smelly pencils, a packet of banana chips, a few hat pins, three magnets, bumper stickers, at least six different model bananas, tattoos, a stuffed toy, a book on the history of bananas, wristbands, bubble bath, stress balls, banana hats, and at least half a dozen postcards. A few customers stared at them oddly as they placed two bags full of souvenirs on the counter. The lady at the counter stared at the bags, then turned to The Doctor, eyes wide.
"Making someone very happy." She said. The Doctor grinned at her, making her feel a little uneasy.
"Give me a minute to scan them." She said, quickly turning to her scanner and running it over the barcodes.
"Do you do this often?" Rose asked The Doctor, who had turned his grinning face to her. He laughed.
"Of course! I mean, you can't go travelling through time and space and not buy souvenirs!" he exclaimed.
The lady finished scanning the barcodes, and then punched a couple of buttons on her computer,
"Now, that comes to…" she paused, and gulped, "One hundred and fifty dollars ninety-five."
"What?!" Rose and Jack exclaimed. The Doctor rolled his eyes and pulled out a large wad of cash.
"Keep the change." He said, handing it to her with a charming smile, and then he grabbed the bags and walked out of the store. Rose and Jack glanced at each other, and then followed.
"Oh my god!" Rose said running after The Doctor and grabbing a bag off him, "Did we just do what I think we did?"
"Yep. We did"
Rose laughed, "I will never get used to this. Never."
The Doctor shook his head, "Thanks for showing us this place Rose. It's fantastic!"
"Too right!" said Jack from behind them, "Now can we please get out of here?"
The Doctor laughed, "Yeah, fine. Sure you don't want to…"
"No. Whatever it is, no."
They made their way back to the TARDIS.
"Hey, can we go to the big orange next?" commented Rose, "I really want to see what all that's about."
"How about the big prawn?" asked The Doctor, "I like prawns."
"How about we go someplace interesting?" asked Jack hopefully, "Something normal sized perhaps?"
The Doctor thought for a moment, and then he grinned.
"Oh no." groaned Jack, "I hate that look."
"I've got the best place!" The Doctor said, excitement in his voice, "Come on! Let's go!"
A few weeks later…
Rose and Jack were having a laugh in the control room when The Doctor entered.
"Um…hello." He said rather sheepishly. Jack and Rose looked up.
"Hey." Said Rose, "What's up?"
Um…you know that banana pod I took from The Big Banana? Remember how I said I was going to do some experiments on it?"
"Yes…"
"Well, they worked." Said The Doctor.
"That's great." Said Jack, "So what's the problem?"
The Doctor rubbed the back of his head, "Well…I did a little jiggery-pokery with the genes, and every single baby banana on the pod grew. So…we might be eating bananas for a while." He pulled a couple out of his pocket, "Want some?"
Rose burst out laughing. Jack stared at the bananas, and then sighed.
Oh well. At least his shoes would be clean.
Note: The Big Banana, and every tourist attraction in it, is real. So are all the other big things Rose metioned. The World Of Bananas tour is also authentic, although some of the script and names have been manipulated from lack of information. Also, every fact in this story is authentic, you can indeed shine shoes with banana peels.
Your reveiws would be greatly appreciated! Thanks for reading! And if you have any tourist attractions you would like to be mentioned in future, please tell me!