Chapter 14: Bowser's Revengeance
The author with an afro woke up. It was a dark room. He didn't know where he was, but he couldn't move. He had been tied to a chair, thrown into wherever this room is. The trapped koopa tried to remember what happened, but he couldn't come up with anything. Then the door opened.
"So you're finally awake!"
Bowser stomps in, laughing it up.
"What do you want?" Dorko asks, as this is the only option available. He could try to mock Bowser, but that's likely to end in tears and burns.
"Revenge!" Bowser answers. "You abandoned us for eight long years! We've been stuck in fanfiction limbo ever since."
"What can I say?" Dorko shrugs it off. "I got bored and moved on to something else."
"And besides! I never did like how you portrayed me." Bowser admits. "And I was only in four chapters. I should have appeared way more often!"
"So what are you going to do to me?"
"I'm going to torture in the most inhumane way possible!"
Bowser laughs as he pulls out a book.
"What's that?" Dorko asks.
"Why, it's something you're quite familiar with. I'm going to read it to you." Bowser explains. "It's your own work of art: Collection of Super Mario Stories!"
"No! You wouldn't!"
Bowser flips through the pages.
"Ah, here's some garbage! Candy calls out to DK and reminds him that he promised they would go out on a date today." Bowser reads. "They walked off and Dixie sighed. Dixie turned to see Diddy and Chunky goofing around. She says, 'I wonder if Diddy and I will ever be like that...'"
Dorko struggles in his chair, trying to break open his head against something. He can't take it, but there is no escape. He attempts to gnaw on the rope.
"What else...? Ah, here! Kamek shot the spell into Cranky and he turned into the Kong he was in the old arcade game. 'Ah! I feel good! But... I can't be named Cranky anymore,' he says. For some stupid reason, I suggest, 'What about Strong Kong?' 'Good enough for me! For now on, call me STRONG KONG!'"
"I can't take this anymore!" Dorko whines. "Somebody! Anybody! HEEEYYAAAALLLPPP!"
That cry for help escapes through the window, piercing the skies! Somehow, a particular type of idiot hears it loud and clear. The man in red and blue jumps through his house's window, landing outside in a dynamic pose!
"OH YEAH!" Mario yells. "It's good to be back, baby!"
"Mario! I just got that fixed!" Luigi whines through the broken window.
"No time for that, Luigi! It's go time!"
Mario runs off into the distance. Luigi sighs and follows his bro. The two make their way across green fields. Mario makes sure to punch every floating block on the way and to stomp on everyone who dares cross his path. No goomba, koopa, yoshi, toad, or princess is spared from his rampant rampage. Mario tries to stomp on some ugly guy in yellow, but the man blocks it with ease.
"What in the garlic are you doing?" Wario asks, annoyed.
"I'm on a violent rampage!" Mario cheerfully answers.
"Wait!" Luigi shouts over, taking a break to pant. "We're... We're on our way to Bowser's to save the author."
"Is that what we're doing?" Mario ponders.
"That dork? He's in trouble?" Wario questions, trying to process this information. "How do you know that?"
"I read the beginning of this chapter." Luigi explains. "Bowser is getting revenge by reading him the first fanfic he wrote."
Mario and Wario both burst out laughing after hearing that.
"WAH! I'm terribly afraid of laughing!" Waluigi whines as he walks over.
"I guess we'd better save him." Wario concludes. "I wouldn't wish for my worst enemies to read that trash!"
"Ehh, I don't want to." Mario dismisses, sitting on the ground and picking his nose.
"What? But you were so hyped up before!" Luigi complains.
"Alright. I guess Waluigi and I will trash Bowser by ourselves. Let's go, Waluigi."
Wario drags Waluigi off to Bowser's castle.
"Trash Bowser? Hey, wait for me!"
Mario runs after them, and Luigi reluctantly follows. The four men in overalls jump into a warp pipe in order to reach their destination, and so, Bowser's big ol' castle is now right there in front of them.
"How should we break in?" Luigi asks the group. "We can't just go through the front door. We need a plan!"
"That's a great idea and all, but Mario smashed open the door and ran in before you finished talking." Wario pointed out.
Luigi facepalms while watching his brother charge in. The group follows Mario, who trounces every enemy he sees. After much running and jumping, they reach the final set of doors and enter.
"'Off we go! The Koopa Bros.!' Says Red. The Koopa Bros. then set off. And that's all you wrote." Bowser finishes reading.
"Oh thank Big that's over." Dorko says, giving off a big exhale.
"Now let's read from the beginning!" Bowser happily suggests. Dorko cries out in agony.
"STOP RIGHT THERE, BOWZ!" Mario yells.
"Mario!? Why are you here? He's not a princess!" Bowser snarls.
"As if I ever needed a reason to ruin your day! Ha ha ha!" Mario boasts.
"Who's the hero here again...?" Luigi mumbles to himself.
"I AM!" Wario shouts, ramming Bowser with his classic shoulder charge. Bowser is sent flying across the room.
"Augh! Dorko, you'd better help me out here!" Bowser demands.
"Why would I ever do that?" Dorko asks.
"If you don't, I'll roast you right now!" Bowser threatens.
"That's silly. I'm the author in this dumb fic! I'm practically invincible!"
"Because... Uh, because..." Bowser stumbles. He can't think of any valid reason.
"I know!" Mario interjects. "You should help him because it'll make the story more interesting!"
Luigi and Wario collectively groan after hearing that. Waluigi starts crying because he knows they're all doomed.
"Oh. That's a good point." Dorko agrees. Wario takes this opportunity to repeat his shoulder attack, but Bowser easily swats Wario away. Wario picks up Waluigi and throws him at Bowser, but Bowser dodges. Waluigi screams all the way until he hits the wall at the end.
"Waluigi... is frightened... of being thrown into walls..." Waluigi mumbles.
"Mario! Why did you tell him that? Now it's hopeless! There's no way we can win!" Luigi complains.
"Nobody likes characters like you, Luigi! All you ever do is be a killjoy!" Mario scolds. "There's no way you'll be anyone's favorite character. I'm the wacky idiot, Wario is the cool one, Waluigi is the coward, Bowser is the silly villain, and Dorko has an afro. What do you have? You have nothing! NOTHING!"
Those words break Luigi's spirit. He slowly makes his way out of the room, moping every step of the way.
"I'm going home..." Luigi mutters, sniffing.
"Dude, that was harsh." Bowser comments.
"MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS!" Mario yells, jumping into the air. He aims to land on Bowser's head, but Bowser retracts into his shell. Mario gets hurt by the spikes and falls over. Wario takes this opportunity to grab Bowser's tail, but Bowser is suddenly too heavy to lift! Bowser knocks Mario and Wario into a corner.
"Bwahahahaha! This is all too easy! I should have done this years ago!" Bowser brags. Bowser's bragging is interrupted by someone else laughing. Bowser looks around to find Dorko and Waluigi standing by the door.
"So Waluigi freed you, huh? So what? I've already won!"
"Bowser, you fool." Dorko insults him. "You read my old story and forgot one very important factor!"
"Oh yeah? What's that?"
"Breaking the fourth wall comes with a terrible consequence."
"... Aw crap."
Just then, the fourth wall comes tumbling down. It breaks through Bowser's castle and flattens Bowser, barely missing everyone else.
"I am not going to help repair that this time." Wario is quick to avoid the job of repairing the fourth wall.
"That's fine. I think Bowser is going to be extra busy repairing his own castle. He might as well be the one in charge of fixing the fourth wall." Dorko explains.
"What's going to happen to us?" Waluigi asks. "I'm afraid of being abandoned again!"
That's true. If Dorko stops here, this warped interpretation of these characters will forever cease to be once more. These characters will practically no longer exist, which may be even more true now since Lemmy's Land has not updated for years now.
"Ah, who cares? I'll make more chapters if I feel like it."
"Waaah! I was afraid you'd say that."