198Harry Potter as written by MAD Magazine
by Technomad
"Snappy Answers to Stupid Questions" version of the events leading up to Philosopher's Stone:
Pettigrew: Are we getting into these robes to go be Death Eaters, my lord?
Voldemort: No, we're getting into these robes to go out for a night of pub-crawling, Wormtail.
Pettigrew: Are these masks intended to show that we're Death Eaters, my lord?
Voldemort: No, it's Halloween and they're for Trick-or-Treating, Wormtail.
Pettigrew: Are we headed to the Potters' house to kill everybody there, my lord?
Voldemort: No, we're going to London to see the new ABBA concert, Wormtail.
Pettigrew: Did you just kill James Potter with the Killing Curse, my lord?
Voldemort: No, he wanted to lie down and take a break, and I "green lighted" his request, Wormtail.
Pettigrew: Is Lily Potter begging you to spare her son, my lord?
Voldemort: No, she's asking me to help him learn to talk, Wormtail.
Pettigrew: Did you just slaughter Lily Potter right in front of her son, my lord?
Voldemort: No, I told her she'd won the lottery and she fainted from sheer joy, Wormtail.
Pettigrew: Are you about to use the Killing Curse on helpless little Harry, my lord?
Voldemort: No, I'm about to use it on myself, but I'm pointing my wand at him to distract everybody, Wormtail.
Voldemort casts the Killing Curse, it bounces off Harry, and blows Voldemort away completely.
Pettigrew: Well, I guess you did what you came to do, my lord.