52Disclaimer: God I wish I DID own YYH! But I don't...
Author's notes: For all the Americans or people living in America, happy Independence Day! Hope you enjoy the fireworks! Anyway, this is my third fic, but the others were bad and I think this one is good to post. If you like it, I might do a sequel... I kinda have a little idea at the back of my head, but ideas would be very much appreciated. Read and enjoy... And as always, a little review would be nice.
Thoughts of my Mind
By Lilas
Have you ever wondered what would have happened to you if you're life hadn't changed for the worst? I guess everyone has, but not the way I think about it... It's impossible. You can't possibly wonder what would have happened to me if I hadn't saved that fucking kid from the car and been reincarnated. You can't wonder what would have happened to your fucking insignificant life if you hadn't, by some cheer accident, decided to save someone's life.
I have. I have wondered over and over again where I would be if I hadn't died. For one, Kuwabara wouldn't be my friend. Two, my life wouldn't be as screwed up as it is... And three, I wouldn't have met him. I wouldn't have ever met that red head ass that made me fall head over heels for him. I love him so much it hurts... But it'll never happen.
Why? Well, it's simple really... He loves that little fire demon, that little ass of Hiei! Why did I have to love him? Why couldn't I have stayed in love with Keiko? Why did she have to move away and make me realize just how much I loved him? Why did she leave when I needed her the most? I can't talk to anyone about this but her, and she's gone off to college in America, deserting me with my confused feelings.
I'm scared. Scared of what I'm gonna end up doing really soon if I don't talk to someone. I've been finding myself staring at my razor lately and it quite honestly scares the fuck out of me! I don't want to contemplate that thing as much as I do, but I can't seem to be able to stop and wonder... Wonder what it'd be like if I did end it all. Then I wouldn't suffer anymore.
But I can't do that. I've been given a second chance and I refuse to be so selfish as to throw it out the window because of a little heart break... I can make it through all this. I can make it through this trial without restarting smoking or cutting myself. I will make it through.
But how? I'm so lost... I've been trying to pay attention in school lately so I can live by myself, but it's so hard... It's so hard for me when all that's in my mind is him. Him and his voice, his hair, his smile... All I want all day long is to go to our meeting and see him. But then, I see him with Hiei and there's nothing I can do but think about my razor sitting in my bathroom so quietly and shiny.
I just want him to be with me once... Just once in my life I want to hold him and caress his hair and be able to tell him how much I love him. But I know I won't... After all, that's what I get for being his confidant. All he talks about is how much he loves Hiei and how much he wished the little ass would tell him what he thought so he could help him...
Help him... Why doesn't he help me?! I'm drowning and no ones there to help me. It's so hard, sometimes I wonder if I'll even make it through the day. But I have to... Besides, Kuwabara would never let me die. He's too good a friend to let me. He's been bugging me lately about talking to him, telling him what's on my mind. I don't know if I should.
I guess I'd help, but it's so hard. I don't want to bother him with my problems. I don't want a confidant that could betray me and tell Kurama what I feel just so I won't have to suffer. I guess that's why I bought you... So I could vent out my problems and not have to rely on anyone and the fact I might be burdening someone.
Oh, there's the doorbell. I bet it's Kurama again to complain about Hiei. But that's okay, as long as I get to see him and hear his voice, I'm happy. I just wish Hiei would see this and take his hand, accept his help.
Your new owner,
Yusuke.