A/N: Protectors of the Plot Continuum was founded by Jay and Acacia. Excerpts in italics taken from new start, rock star kid and i hot new boyfriend by 00torchwood.
"What are you laughing about?" Tasmin asked. When she returned to her Response Centre after her run she had found her partner rolling on the floor clutching her stomach.
"We have a new mission," Emma managed between gasping for air and bursting out laughing again.
"What's so funny about that?"
"I don't know." Emma wiped some tears from her face. "I never got past the first line."
Tasmin turned to the screen of the console and read the opening line of the fic. "Seriously." She rolled her eyes and started pushing buttons. "You better pull yourself together because we are going into this mission."
The portal brought the agents to what seemed to be a house.
"I brought us in too early," Tasmin said.
"What makes you say that?"
"Dad have you got everything?" came a voice from Captain Jack Hardness's now empty kitchen.
Emma rolled over laughing again.
"That." Tasmin sighed. "I suggest you try to catch that mini-reaper while I write this Sue up for bad punctuation, disembodied speaking and being Jack's uncanonical daughter."
"I don't think he could have gotten far," Emma said. "What with being erect." She made a handgesture to illustrate her comment. And had another laughing fit.
"Juvenile." Tasmin pushed a linnen sack into her partner's hand, and pulled a PDA from her duffel bag to start a charge sheet.
While Emma went in search of the mini-reaper in the not-empty kitchen, Tasmin followed the voice that questionedJack about his travel arrangements.
Jack Harkness was moving to England to retire, he had been in the US air forces since he was 16
"US Air Force requires a person to be at least seventeen before they can even apply to join the Air Force," Tasmin muttered. "There are no sixteen-year-olds in the US Air Force." Tasmin made a note in her PDA, and wondered whether the misspelling of this branch of the military had also created a mini-reaper. If so, Emma would probably run into it sooner or later.
become a farther at the age of 19 with was hard on him. His family had disowned him when he came out as bisexually at the age of 20.
"Not to mention that the Air Force would have kicked him out for 'making a statement of homosexuality'. Don't these Sues ever bother to read the job requirement FAQs?"
The narrative concluded by telling that Jack and his daughter had a holiday and weekend relationship while she was growing up, but had become very close in the year that her mother had died. Jack whined that he didn't really want to go on his trip.
"Dad, go you need this, don't worry about me I have school and a band to keep me going I will be great"
"That that school that taught you about punctuation?" Tasmin asked. "I think you need to ask for a refund on any tuition you paid."
"Got them!" Emma emerged from the kitchen holding a sack that contained something – or probably several somethings – that was squirming wildly. "What have you got?"
"Jack Harkness leaving a seventeen-year-old to fend for herself because he wants a normal life."
Emma raised her eye-brow. "Jack walking away from responsibility, that's a charge. Isn't he legally required to take care of a minor in his custody?"
"Depends of course in which state this story is set. In Missouri she'd be considered an adult. Or she could have been emancipated, but I doubt that's the case here. That would mean she either married, joined the military or filed a petition with the court stating that Jack is unsuitable to take care of her and she can do a better job."
"Isn't leaving her proof of that?"
"It would be a reason to petition. But, seeing as that hasn't happened yet, she can't have petition yet, and can't have been empancipated yet."
Jack pulled the crying Sue in a hug. He told her she could call him any time and that he would come and see her when her band played Cardiff.
"I thought her name sounded familiar," Emma said. "She's named like that singer, of that band, looks like her too."
Tasmin looked at her partner blankly and narrowed her eyes. "You need to be a little more specific."
"You think this could be real person fic?"
"Not unless this real person was fathered by a fictional character," Tasmin replied. "Which is impossible. This is either a Sue with the same name, or an imposter!Sue. And we know how to deal with those."
Jack and the Sue left the house, only for Jack to return a moment later to grab his coat off the coat rack on the wall. 'Help me,' he mouthed to the agents.
"You think we should help him?" Emma asked.
Tasmin shrugged. "What's in it for us?"
"This Sue is probably going to bitch and scream and give us a headache when we charge her."
Jack gave a pleading look before turning around and shouting, "coming, honey."
"If we don't charge her the Sunflower Offical is probably going to bitch and scream and give us a headache."
"Guess we've got our motivation right there." Emma grinned. "Although, I could always let the mini-repears out of the bag in the SO's office and see what happens."
The portal took the agents to the airport's short term parking facility. Jack took his things from the car boot, hugged the Sue goodbye and ran off.
"I won't do anything stupid if you don't, now be good" and with that he was out of sight.
The Sue's eyes were tear filled so she probably never saw it coming that one of the PPC agents clobered her with a blunt object and the other guided her tumble into the car boot.
Emma slammed the lid closed. "You drive. You probably know how to jump start a car."
"No need. We can just re-imagine the scenery so we are no longer at the airport."
With the blink of an eye the scenery changed to that of an abandoned road.
Emma smirked at her partner as both gathered at the back of the car. "I'm having a major Pulp Fiction moment." She popped the lid of the car boot open.
The Sue looked at them scared. "What are you going to do to me?"
"Charge you," Emma said. "Then kill you."
"I'm rich, I could pay you."
"That's right, you're in a rock band and you're the back-up act for a band that announced last November they were taking a break from each other," Emma said. "You misspelled their band name, by the way." She shook the sack of minis at her.
"That's a charge," Tasmin said.
"I don't understand. What do you want?"
"Allow me to explain." Emma grinned. "We are Protectors of the Plot Continuum. And we are here to charge you with crimes against fanfiction in general and Torchwood fanfiction in particular."
Tasmin had her PDA ready and started charging before the Sue could interrupt. "Hayley Williams, we charge you with giving the impression you are impersonating a famous person. We charge you with being Jack Harkness' uncanonical daughter. We charge you with giving Jack an uncanonical background, which includes him joining the US Air Force at sixteen. We charge you with changing the Air Force's personal policy to make this possible, and not discharing Jack for outing himself. We charge you with making Jack leave his underage daughter behind to take care of herself so he can go and find himself."
"Though that made a nice change from the unhealthily overprotective dad," Emma said.
Tasmin glared briefly at her partner. "We charge you with bad grammar, including random tenses switches, bad spelling, including misspelling of character names thus creating minis." Tasmin made a little nod to the sack. "And with bad punctuation, which was absent half the time and incorrect most of the rest of the time.
"We charge you with having a disembodied voice, and finally we charge you with being a Mary Sue." Tasmin tucked her PDA in her pocket. "Your punishment for these offenses is death."
"And I know just the way." Emma threw the sack of minis into the boot and quickly slammed the lid shut.
"I don't think you should use minis for that," Tasmin said.
After a while the screaming and screeching stopped. Emma carefully popped the lid and peered through the gap into the boot. Pleased with what she saw she pushed the lid open all the way. "I think it kills two birds with one stone: Sue's dead, and the minis are fed."
Tasmin looked at the minis that were lying around the boot like fat and content reptiles. Emma grabbed each of them by the scruff of the neck and threw them back in the sack. The minis were too full to move or object. "It's like feeding them turkey," Emma commented and threw the bag over her shoulder. Tasmin just nodded and opened up a portal.
A/N: There's always a danger in referencing real life persons and institutions: you could get it wrong. Personally, getting it wrong is why I don't like real person fic. Getting it wrong concerning institutions (like the US Air Force) is a lot easier to avoid: visit the website of the organisation. Most information can actually be found there.