Okey-doke, quick explanation. The other day I read this really depressing fic in Hisoka's point of view, and it bummed me out. So then I started thinking about his heritage and I realized: "Hey, if Nagare was possessed by a Snake Demon before Hisoka was even conceived, then wouldn't that make him a half-demon?" So that soon spawned this little one-shot with Hisoka reflecting on his heritage, his relations to the other shinigami, the Muraki thing, and what would happen if he could actually use demon powers. So it's AU. No like-y? No read-y.


Oneshot

Sometimes I just want to scream.

I honestly can't help it. It's mainly due to my partner, Tsuzuki. Its not any of his fault, but I hate the fact that he somehow manages to see all of the darkness in the world inside himself, and I'm the only one ever bothers to tell him otherwise. Everyone else is too afraid to cross that line in case he turns on them, even though we all know that he won't and that they're stupid for thinking that. They just automatically assume that Tsuzuki would know if he had something... inhuman inside him, and they accept it.

If anyone around here is inhuman, it's me.

I'm really surprised that no one has figured it out by now, how I can be so ready to tell Tsuzuki that he isn't the evil being he makes himself out to be, but our co-workers all just assume that I'm kidding myself and am trying to keep my best friend's mind stable. I'm not.

I mean, do the math. What do you get when you take a guy who is a vessal for this super-powerful Snake Demon, which is strong enough to be called a God among it's race, and he knocks up a human who, nine months later, gives birth to a son with the ability to hear the thoughts and emotions of others? Seriously, its so damn obvious. Sometimes I stand in the hallway, watching everyone working obliviously, and I just want to scream: "News flash, people: I'm a half-demon!"

Sometimes the temptation is too much to bear. It's why I'm so quiet. The other shinigami assume that its a result of how I was raised and my own death and I don't deny that its partially true, but its mainly due to the temptation. I can feel the darkness inside of me, whispering in the back of my mind and constantly warring against my will. It takes a good portion of my energy to control the darkness and hold it back, and talking only distracts me. Although, I take that risk with Tsuzuki.

It's not that I feel like I have to talk to him, as I do with most of my other co-workers. It's not like that at all. I actually enjoy talking to Tsuzuki. Conversations with him are a welcome change from my usual stoicness. Even when he ends up holding one-sided conversations, I still enjoy his company. I guess, in a way, he calls out to me as a kindred spirit. I'll admit that he does have some darkness in him, but it's more a result of his self-hatred and guilt than anything else.

For some odd reason, my demon side is more docile when I'm talking to him. It allows me a little time to relax without fearing it taking over me. I know how dangerously unbalanced my human and demon sides are. My human side is weak physically and strong mentally, while my demon side is strong physically but completely governed by impulses. I've been trying to find a way to balance the two for years, with no such luck. I don't think I'll ever completely balance the two.

Sometimes just want to cut loose and blow a few things up, let my demon have a chance to use it's powers so it'll let up on some of the pressure. But not only would that blow my cover, but all it will do is make the other just as scared of me as they are of Tsuzuki, maybe even more so if they found out who my sire was. I can't really blame them, since one of humanitie's primodial instinct to fear demons. But better to be considered weak than to be feared. Ignorance is bliss.

However, as you would expect in a job when you fight demons, vampires, and God knows what else, shinigami fight a lot of battles. When that happens, the temptation becomes almost unbearable, especially if I'm losing. It stings ever more if Tsuzuki has to rescue me, because I know that I have powers that would put most of our opponents to shame, if only I would access them. If only I would reach for them, grasp my birthright with hesitant fingers and wield it as I see fit.

Truth be told, I want power for my human side. It's why I try so hard to learn shinigami magic and to perfect my kendo. If I can't figure out a way to safely access my demon side, then I at least want to be able to match it.

Another thing that complicates matters is my empathy. I've been born with the worst of both and the best crammed together in one complicated mess. I have a human's weak body and their amazing strength of will, but those attributes are tainted by a demon's incredible powers and their lack of complex emotions. Demons don't have the emotional capacity of human beings. They don't really need it. They are driven by primal instinct and an animalistic drive for survival. I have the capacity for human feelings, but I never learned to feel them.

It was so confusing while I was growing up. I started to have to figure out what emotions I was feeling by using logic. If I had a reason to feel certain emptions, then they were my own. If I didn't, then they were someone else's. And feeling emotions from other people that I had never had a chance to experience on my own only rubs salt in the wounds.

And then there's the factor of Muraki. My murderer. He's the one person that I hate above all others, even my family. Every time I'm within ten yards of him, my demon side growls for dominance with the overpowering urge to take over and rip him to shreds with my bare hands. And when the curse marks flare on my skin it goes completely crazy, raging over the fact that he did all of those things to me and I didn't do a damn thing about it.

And yet, despite my demon, I still feel limited. I'm bound to death, with an immortal God who controls everything that gives humans nightmares guarding my soul. I'm tied to him as surely as I am to Muraki, and disobeying warrants death. I'm chained as surely as if shackles are attached to me, and at times I feel like nothing more than a freak on a leash. But in a strange way, I'm glad for the leash. It allows me to stay close to the other shinigami, my family, and give me a chance for vengeance.

But it doesn't help when Tsuzuki gets involved in my quest for vengeance too. He's the first person who actually cared about me, and I can feel how both myself and my demon side are overly-protective of him, one of the few things we have in common. Tsuzuki may be at his peak physically, but mentally he's as weak as a newborn kitten, and once you get inside his head he's completely defenseless. I have a strong sense of duty when it comes to Tsuzuki and his tortured spirit, and I can't help but feel taht its my duty to protect him. Even if I have to take the brunt of the pain, I don't care if it means shielding him just like he does me. Even if I have to hide my true heritage from him and everyone else, always being that weak little kid.

But I still keep trying. Maybe someday I'll finally be able to balance my human and demon sides, gaining both power and an end to the conflict raging within my soul. I'll be a bigger help to Tsuzuki, and I will finally be able to stand on equal ground with the other shinigami, and perhaps even Muraki himself.

Maybe then I'll set myself free.