What to do at the SGC when you're bored

Inspired by Cammy's fic "The Atlantis Handbook" and gothfeary's "Pick-up lines" and "What not to do at the SGC"


It all started when someone found another paper tacked up on the board at Stargate Command. From there, it just grew as people kept adding to it, and adding their own comments. Even the people in Atlantis somehow got into it.


System Lord

99.99 sure we got him this time

Jack: Ok seriously people, we got him this time.

Sam: Well sir, there were all those other times when we thought he was dead…


Still alive:

Clones 3-25, 78-79

And possibly the original

Daniel: You know, I'm not sure if I should laugh or not because this is true.

Daniel Jackson

The only person who has ever had to re-use a coffin

Daniel: That really isn't funny guys.

Jack: I know, but the pentagon has sent a memo to stat reusing your memorial wreaths. They're starting to get kind of expensive.

Daniel: You guys haven't actually buried me, have you?


Rodney McKay

Taken on the worst of two galaxies

Losing to a lemon

Rodney: Alright, who put this up?

John: What are you gonna do about it Rodney? I have a lemon in my pocket.

Carson Beckett

Saving people from their own stupidity

Carson: That is really quite true, especially in regards to Rodney.

Rodney: Hey! I resent that Carson!

Carson: I was not the one who presented my ass to a bow wielding lad with a temper.


The beta version wasn't as good

Sam: Take that!

Teal'c: Indeed.

Jack O'Neill

Had all of the knowledge of the Ancients

And of course, he lost it

Jack: Now Danny, that's not very nice.

Daniel: Neither was the being buried comment.

Vala: Score 1 for Daniel.

Cameron: Vala, you're not allowed to write comments on these.

Vala: You going to stop me?

Samantha Carter

Blow up one sun

And you're one of the guys

Blow up more

And no one gets in between you and the jello

Jack: Very true. Walter's still in hiding.

Walter: Sam, I'm really sorry. Can I please come back to work now?

Cameron Mitchell

Even the new guy can become the King of England

Cameron: I'm the True King of England!

Daniel: Cam, shut up now. We've only had to hear this everyday since then. And Jack, stop encouraging him.

Vala Mal Doran

Chaos served in a smart attractive package

With a side of plunder

Vala: I am not chaotic!

General Landry: Care to explain the fuzzy pink handcuffs on my desk then?


John Sheppard

Kirking his way across the universe

John: I'm not Kirk.

Carson: I do believe you're trying though.

Ronon Dex

Cave-man saving the galaxy

One dead space-vampire at a time

Elizabeth: Can we please stop calling them space-vampires?

Radek Zelenka

Do prdele!

Rodney: Radek, no one else understands you. Please speak in English.

Radek: Ty seš takovej vůl.

Michael Kenmore

The little wraith that keeps on coming back

Kind of like a cockroach

Teyla: What is a cockroach?

Michael: I am curious myself.

John: Goddamit! How the hell did he get in here?

Teyla Emmagan

The Xena of the Pegasus Galaxy

Except, without the big-ass sword

Elizabeth: Stop using American culture slang around the Athosians. And stop calling Ronon, Conan while you're at it.

John: But Elizabeth

Elizabeth: No John.

Elizabeth Weir

The only one who though hair-dye and a curling iron were important

Rodney: I was wondering why I was attracted her. I've always had a thing for blondes.

John: You also thought a wraith was hot.

Rodney: Shut up Kirk.

Aidan Ford

Puppy-dog eyes on crack

John: This really isn't funny because of the wraith enzyme and all, but I seriously can't stop laughing.

General Hammond

Sending them forth by the shiny reflective glare of his forehead

Hammond: JACK!

Jack: Jack is not here right now. Please leave a message after the beep. BEEP.


All the destructive impulses of a teenager

Amplified by Alien tech

Cassandra: I swear, it wasn't my fault.

Vala: Of course it wasn't. I was the one who broke – uh oh. Hi Daniel.

Daniel: Vala!

Janet Fraiser

Napoleonic Power-monger

She really means well

Even if it doesn't feel like

Jack: I know you mean well doc, but you have a serious problem.

Janet: On the note of problems Jack, you were supposed to get a shot yesterday.

Sam: Jack just ran out of the building.

General Landry

God speed

Cameron: I couldn't think of anything else to put for him.

Landry: Be thankful you didn't. I'm still your boss.

Walter Harriman

Master of Protocol

Sam: Walter, you're not allowed to write your own.

Walter: Radek did.

Sam: He's also the only one who speaks Czech. And he's in another galaxy.

Vala: And his was actually funny.

Daniel: When did you learn Czech?

Vala: I got bored.

Cameron: Anyone else find that weird?

Teal'c: Indeed.

Laura Cadman

Just because you're a genius

Doesn't mean she can't blow you up

Laura: Beware my explosiveness.

Rodney: I now see why you and Carson didn't work out. Opposite ends of the spectrum there.

Jonas Quinn


Jonas: That's all I get? Oops?

Sam: Well, you got to admit Jonas…


I would be invisible too

If I looked like that

Jack: Anyone actually know what he looked like in the first place?

Oma Desala

All knowing

And still nosy

Daniel: It's not like Oma wasn't helpful Jack.

Jack: Ya, but she kept hanging around.


You guys must really be compensating for something

Thor: I do not understand Tau'ri humor.

Daniel: I'm not explaining this one Jack.


Crap Indeed

Caldwell: Rodney, stop teaching Hermiod to swear.

Lindsey Novak: He's not very good at it.

Steven Caldwell

Testosterone poisoning and some of the largest guns in the universe

Caldwell: Remember the part about the large guns people.

John: We're so scared.


I understand the need for a devil's advocate

But do we really need an advocate for small, whiny, crushable bugs?

Elizabeth: Rodney, stop making fun of Dr. Kavanagh.

Rodney: Why? It's not like he's here.

John: Rodney's got a point Elizabeth.


Why does everyone fall for Sam?

Sam: Not everyone falls for me!

Cameron: Well, actually, from what I've read in the mission reports…

Sam: Not another word Cameron!


The problems of sharing one body and having two minds

Janet: Nice going Sam!

Daniel: Did you have to bring me into your revenge though?

Lucius Lavin

The gods protect children and fools

John: I really wished we could've seen his face when he realized that the shield was depleted.

Rodney: One can only wish.

Robert Kinsey

Politicians serve two terms:

One in office

One in the deepest depths of hell

Kinsey: Take this down immediately Jack!

Jack: Make me.

Charles Kawalsky

Never volunteer

Daniel: Where'd Kawalsky come from?

Kawalsky: You forgot about the other dimensions.

Jack: D'oh!

Sam: Like I said Jack, Apophis isn't quite dead yet.


And that brings us to the end of the fic. I don't have any plans on continuing this at the moment. Depends on if I can find more characters.

Translation of what Radek is saying:

"Do prdele!" is a semi-offensive term comparable to "for cryin' out loud" in English.

"Ty seš takovej vůl" means, "you're such an idiot."

Thanks for reading!