23What to do at the SGC when you're bored
Inspired by Cammy's fic "The Atlantis Handbook" and gothfeary's "Pick-up lines" and "What not to do at the SGC"
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It all started when someone found another paper tacked up on the board at Stargate Command. From there, it just grew as people kept adding to it, and adding their own comments. Even the people in Atlantis somehow got into it.
Apophis
System Lord
99.99 sure we got him this time
Jack: Ok seriously people, we got him this time.
Sam: Well sir, there were all those other times when we thought he was dead…
Ba'al
Still alive:
Clones 3-25, 78-79
And possibly the original
Daniel: You know, I'm not sure if I should laugh or not because this is true.
Daniel Jackson
The only person who has ever had to re-use a coffin
Daniel: That really isn't funny guys.
Jack: I know, but the pentagon has sent a memo to stat reusing your memorial wreaths. They're starting to get kind of expensive.
Daniel: You guys haven't actually buried me, have you?
Sam:…
Rodney McKay
Taken on the worst of two galaxies
Losing to a lemon
Rodney: Alright, who put this up?
John: What are you gonna do about it Rodney? I have a lemon in my pocket.
Carson Beckett
Saving people from their own stupidity
Carson: That is really quite true, especially in regards to Rodney.
Rodney: Hey! I resent that Carson!
Carson: I was not the one who presented my ass to a bow wielding lad with a temper.
RepliCarter
The beta version wasn't as good
Sam: Take that!
Teal'c: Indeed.
Jack O'Neill
Had all of the knowledge of the Ancients
And of course, he lost it
Jack: Now Danny, that's not very nice.
Daniel: Neither was the being buried comment.
Vala: Score 1 for Daniel.
Cameron: Vala, you're not allowed to write comments on these.
Vala: You going to stop me?
Samantha Carter
Blow up one sun
And you're one of the guys
Blow up more
And no one gets in between you and the jello
Jack: Very true. Walter's still in hiding.
Walter: Sam, I'm really sorry. Can I please come back to work now?
Cameron Mitchell
Even the new guy can become the King of England
Cameron: I'm the True King of England!
Daniel: Cam, shut up now. We've only had to hear this everyday since then. And Jack, stop encouraging him.
Vala Mal Doran
Chaos served in a smart attractive package
With a side of plunder
Vala: I am not chaotic!
General Landry: Care to explain the fuzzy pink handcuffs on my desk then?
Daniel:…
John Sheppard
Kirking his way across the universe
John: I'm not Kirk.
Carson: I do believe you're trying though.
Ronon Dex
Cave-man saving the galaxy
One dead space-vampire at a time
Elizabeth: Can we please stop calling them space-vampires?
Radek Zelenka
Do prdele!
Rodney: Radek, no one else understands you. Please speak in English.
Radek: Ty seš takovej vůl.
Michael Kenmore
The little wraith that keeps on coming back
Kind of like a cockroach
Teyla: What is a cockroach?
Michael: I am curious myself.
John: Goddamit! How the hell did he get in here?
Teyla Emmagan
The Xena of the Pegasus Galaxy
Except, without the big-ass sword
Elizabeth: Stop using American culture slang around the Athosians. And stop calling Ronon, Conan while you're at it.
John: But Elizabeth…
Elizabeth: No John.
Elizabeth Weir
The only one who though hair-dye and a curling iron were important
Rodney: I was wondering why I was attracted her. I've always had a thing for blondes.
John: You also thought a wraith was hot.
Rodney: Shut up Kirk.
Aidan Ford
Puppy-dog eyes on crack
John: This really isn't funny because of the wraith enzyme and all, but I seriously can't stop laughing.
General Hammond
Sending them forth by the shiny reflective glare of his forehead
Hammond: JACK!
Jack: Jack is not here right now. Please leave a message after the beep. BEEP.
Cassandra
All the destructive impulses of a teenager
Amplified by Alien tech
Cassandra: I swear, it wasn't my fault.
Vala: Of course it wasn't. I was the one who broke – uh oh. Hi Daniel.
Daniel: Vala!
Janet Fraiser
Napoleonic Power-monger
She really means well
Even if it doesn't feel like
Jack: I know you mean well doc, but you have a serious problem.
Janet: On the note of problems Jack, you were supposed to get a shot yesterday.
Sam: Jack just ran out of the building.
General Landry
God speed
Cameron: I couldn't think of anything else to put for him.
Landry: Be thankful you didn't. I'm still your boss.
Walter Harriman
Master of Protocol
Sam: Walter, you're not allowed to write your own.
Walter: Radek did.
Sam: He's also the only one who speaks Czech. And he's in another galaxy.
Vala: And his was actually funny.
Daniel: When did you learn Czech?
Vala: I got bored.
Cameron: Anyone else find that weird?
Teal'c: Indeed.
Laura Cadman
Just because you're a genius
Doesn't mean she can't blow you up
Laura: Beware my explosiveness.
Rodney: I now see why you and Carson didn't work out. Opposite ends of the spectrum there.
Jonas Quinn
Oops
Jonas: That's all I get? Oops?
Sam: Well, you got to admit Jonas…
Anubis
I would be invisible too
If I looked like that
Jack: Anyone actually know what he looked like in the first place?
Oma Desala
All knowing
And still nosy
Daniel: It's not like Oma wasn't helpful Jack.
Jack: Ya, but she kept hanging around.
Thor
You guys must really be compensating for something
Thor: I do not understand Tau'ri humor.
Daniel: I'm not explaining this one Jack.
Hermiod
Crap Indeed
Caldwell: Rodney, stop teaching Hermiod to swear.
Lindsey Novak: He's not very good at it.
Steven Caldwell
Testosterone poisoning and some of the largest guns in the universe
Caldwell: Remember the part about the large guns people.
John: We're so scared.
Kavanagh
I understand the need for a devil's advocate
But do we really need an advocate for small, whiny, crushable bugs?
Elizabeth: Rodney, stop making fun of Dr. Kavanagh.
Rodney: Why? It's not like he's here.
John: Rodney's got a point Elizabeth.
Martouf
Why does everyone fall for Sam?
Sam: Not everyone falls for me!
Cameron: Well, actually, from what I've read in the mission reports…
Sam: Not another word Cameron!
Anise
The problems of sharing one body and having two minds
Janet: Nice going Sam!
Daniel: Did you have to bring me into your revenge though?
Lucius Lavin
The gods protect children and fools
John: I really wished we could've seen his face when he realized that the shield was depleted.
Rodney: One can only wish.
Robert Kinsey
Politicians serve two terms:
One in office
One in the deepest depths of hell
Kinsey: Take this down immediately Jack!
Jack: Make me.
Charles Kawalsky
Never volunteer
Daniel: Where'd Kawalsky come from?
Kawalsky: You forgot about the other dimensions.
Jack: D'oh!
Sam: Like I said Jack, Apophis isn't quite dead yet.
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And that brings us to the end of the fic. I don't have any plans on continuing this at the moment. Depends on if I can find more characters.
Translation of what Radek is saying:
"Do prdele!" is a semi-offensive term comparable to "for cryin' out loud" in English.
"Ty seš takovej vůl" means, "you're such an idiot."
Thanks for reading!