Disclaimer: I don't own anything supernatural, and unfortunately I do not own the Winchester boys, either.
A/N: Probably been done a million times already, but I couldn't let it go, I needed more after the end of "heart". This is my first fanfiction ever, so I'm not really sure how this piece turned out.
English is not my first language so it probably contains a lot of errors too. I apologize for the bad spelling and any bad grammar.
Warning: Spoilers for the episode "Heart", so if you haven't seen it, you shouldn't read it. Living outside America, I shouldn't have seen it either, but...;)
It was only so much a big brother could take. He made his way over to them and carefully released the weapon from her hand. Sam's eyes met his for a moment before his little brother turned and walked away.
"Sam," he said softly. His brother turned slowly, and Dean felt his heart break at the sight of his Sammy's tear stricken face. "I'm sorry."
"No. You're right" he answered, "she's right." He swallowed hard.
"Sammy, I got this one. I'll do it." And he would, he wasn't happy about it, but he'd do anything to release his baby brother from this burden.
"She asked me to."
Come on Sammy, don't do this to yourself. "You don't have to."
"Yes I do."
Dean could see how he struggled, and he wished he could take Sammy and run away from this. His brother shouldn't have to feel that way. Because Dean knew all to well how it felt like. His brother's "so me you won't kill, but her you just gonna blow away?" rang in his head.
"Please," he reached for the gun, and Dean let him take it.
"Just wait here". Then he turned and walked.
"Always, little brother", Dean whispered. Sam turned around one more time, looked at him, and Dean tried to give him a reassuring look, to give Sam all the strength he squared his shoulders, and left. Dean had never been more proud of his brother than he was in that exact moment. Sammy would never stop to amaze him.
A gunshot echoed in the hallway, and Dean winced and closed his eyes. "I'm sorry little brother". He wanted to make sure Sam was alright, but Sammy'd asked him to wait here, so he would.
A few minuets later Sam returned. Dean was prepared for a heart broken Sammy, but what he got was his little brother tied up in a tight mask. He wasn't fooled though, he knew his baby brother, and knew they had to talk about it eventually.
Sam reached him his weapon, and Dean searched his face for answers. "I'm okay"; Sam said before he let go of the gun.
Dean put the weapon away, "we should probably get out of here," he said as gentle as he could. Sam just nodded.
They made sure all the evidence of them being there were gone, covered her up and left.
Phone still in hand, Dean pressed his head against the glass wall of the phone booth. They'd packed and checked out of the motel, and 30 minutes after Sam ki... saved Madison they were on their way out of town. Only stopped to call the police, leave an anonymous tip. It was the least they could do, Madison deserved that, deserved to be found, closure. But more importantly, Sam deserved that, he deserved closure. Yeah right, who was he fooling, Sam, being Sam wouldn't let it go this easy, he would most likely add her to one more he hadn't saved. Madison would be one more soul on his little brother's list of people he somehow seemed to think he should have been able to save, one more soul he couldn't free from her destiny.
"Dammit", Dean slammed his hand in the glass. This was such a mess, their life... He snapped out of it, didn't allow himself to go there, and tried to take one steady breath. They needed to get out of here. It'd probably take some time before the police traced the number, but he couldn't take any chances, they were in enough trouble as it was, both being wanted by the FBI.
Hand on the door, Dean paused outside the car, gave his little brother a once-over check. The kid looked broken, shoulders hunched, eyes staring right ahead of him at nothing in particular. He sighed, couldn't really blame him, kid finally allowed himself to get close to a woman again, and after spending the night with her he had to kill her. And that was after they thought they'd saved her, after they thought that their luck had finally turned, that was cruel. Why did these things happen to them, why couldn't Sam for once just have some good time. God knew he deserved it, if there were one out there who should have some normal, some happiness in life it was Sam, his little brother.
Dean sighed again, truth be told he didn't feel all put to getter himself, but this was not the time to fall apart. Sam needed him to be strong, needed his big brother saying 'every thing's gonna be alright'. And even though Dean wasn't sure he believed it himself, he was gonna make sure Sammy believed it. His brother needed hope, and Dean was determined to do everything in his power to give him that.
Taking one more deep breath, Dean open the door and slid in. He glanced at his brother, but Sam didn't seem to even notice him. He wanted desperately for Sam to just look at him. Dean needed to look his brother in the eye and give him hope, but more, he needed to look into Sam's eyes to know he was still in there. Dean needed hope too, and the only thing which could give him that, was to believe Sam was with him, that it wasn't to late. He needed his little brother to have faith in him, faith in Dean to save Sammy. It didn't happen, so Dean turned the ignition and headed out of town in the opposite direction.
"You called the police?". Actually it was more of a statement than a question. It was the first thing Sam had said since Dean made the anonymous tip, and that was half an hour ago.
"Yeah", Dean said. "I called them". He flicked his eyes over at Sam, he wanted to say something more, but couldn't come up with anything.
"Good", Sam nodded. Then he went back to staring out the window.
Dean couldn't take the silence from his brother anymore. "You okay?" 'Stupid question Dean, 'course the kid's not okay' he swore inwardly.
Sam didn't say anything, he didn't even move. Dean was beginning to think he wouldn't get a reaction, when Sam turned his head slowly. Then he looked at Dean. Dean flicked his eyes off the road towards Sam when he noticed, but he wish he never had. The eyes of Sam, they was nothing he had expected. He knew his brother hurt, knew this was beyond what any normal person could handle and then just go on. But the look in Sam's face, it was so wrong. Sad Sam he could handle, angry Sam, scared Sam he could handle too, but this... this empty, hollow person beside him? It scared the hell out of Dean. Unfortunately he'd seen this face on his brother to often lately, but that didn't mean he was used to it. Hell, he shouldn't get used to it, no one is supposed to look like that, that lost, that hollow, like there is no hope.
"You wanna talk about it?"
Okay, Dean didn't know what to do for his little brother. "Wanna drive for a while?" He wasn't sure he really wanted Sam to drive his car right now, kid didn't exactly look like he was up to the task. Truth be told Dean wasn't sure he was ready to give up the driver seat either. They were headed for no where in particular, Dean just thought they should get as many miles behind them as possible, before they would make a rest at some random motel. And this, just driving was what he needed right now, at least then he did something, had something to focus on. His mind had trouble enough as it was, without the road and task at holding the car steady, he wasn't sure he would last more than one minute before he would break down. But if Sam wanted it, if him giving up the drivers seat would do anything to put his little brother's mind at ease, Dean would do it. He'd do it in a heartbeat if it could help Sam.
"No", Sam answered and that ended the talk. Again silence filled the car.
It was three hours since Dean had offered him to drive, and they were still on the road. He had tried to sleep, but every time he closed his eyes, all he could see was Madison's tear stricken face looking at him. Her scared, sad eyes begging him to kill her. So he continued to just watch the landscape pas by. He didn't know where they were headed. He'd thought of asking Dean, but one glance at his big brother told him he probably didn't know either. From the corner of his eye he could see Dean's tense body. The way his brother's face was pulled up in a hard mask, Sam knew he was trying not to think, to clear his mind by focus only on the road. The way Dean clenched his jaw, told him it didn't work, and that it probably took everything he had to pretend that it did work.
Sam wondered slightly what troubled Dean. He knew, his brother had wanted it to work too, he knew that hurt little brother meant hurt big brother. That was just part of Dean's over protective big brother mode, which he seemed to be in a lot lately. But something told him it was more. Sighing heavily, Sam knew he would never really figure Dean out. And his over worked, exhausted mind wasn't up to asking, so he went back to his own troubled thoughts.
He knew he shouldn't, knew he should do something to put it behind, but he couldn't. The last day's events haunted him. Finally he thought that their luck had turned, that they could change evil to good, he knew he was naive, but it gave him hope, enough hope to allow himself to get close to someone beside his brother again. He knew it was impossible, that he was way pass normal, but deep down he had hope of someday be able to find a woman to share life with, that he could find someone to be close to -like he had with Jessica. Them, believing they had saved Madison, had made this hope blossom, if only for a moment, just to make reality crash down on him again.
And then it was the really really disturbing thing, what turned evil couldn't be turned back. As a child he had believed that if he tried hard enough he could save everybody, that there was always hope. He knew now, that was not true, that was just the lie people told themselves to keep them going.
"Help me, Sam. I want you to do it, I want it to be you", her voice was so soft, but her eye was scared and she begged him to kill her. "I need you to save me, Sam." He swallowed hard, he couldn't do it, couldn't kill her.
He heard a gunshot, and she was dead, he looked down, he hold the gun.
"No!", Sam woke up and found himself bundled up in the car seat. He must have finally fallen asleep after all, they were still on the road, but now it was dark outside. He felt Dean's worried look, and waited for the his usual question about his nightmare, but it never came. Dean just continued to cast him worried, questioning glances, but he didn't speak up. That suited Sam just fine, he didn't wanna talk about the dream. He knew Dean was worried sick about him, but he wasn't ready.
And he probably never would be. He couldn't even think about it without falling apart inside. When he thought about her, the way she had looked at him and asked for him to save her, he wanted to scream. How could she do that, how could she expect him to but a bullet in her, when they had shared the night together? He knew she wanted someone she trusted to do it, and he could understand that, he could, more than anybody, and for some reason, she trusted him. Sill, it wasn't fair! You just didn't do that to people you cared about, you didn't make them kill you. That was one thing you never asked of the people you... He froze, his mind froze. He finally understood, oh God! "Dean..."
Dean wanted to ask about the nightmare his little brother had suddenly awoken from, but he knew what it was about, and wasn't sure he could handle it. The nightmare he could handle fine, but to see his brother's hurt, pain filled eyes, and to know there was nothing he could say or do to make it go away... He was to tired to deal with that right now, so he kept silent.
When Sam finally spoke his name, he was surprised. He took his eyes off the road and looked at Sam, kid looked terrible. "Yeah, Sammy, I'm here."
"I'm sorry! Dean, I'm so sorry."
Okay, that was not what he had expected. What was that supposed to mean? "Why, Sammy? You haven't done anything wrong." Trained eyes searching for some clue to give away what Sam was talking about.
"I understand now. How it must be like for you. How hard it is to know that some day..."
"Sammy", Dean interrupted. He gripped the staring wheel harder, he knew exactly where this was going, and he had no intention of going there.
But Sam was persistent, and continued. "...to know that some day you might have to kill me."
There it was, the one thing he couldn't talk about. He wanted Sam to open up about this Madison thing, he'd even tried think of all possible ways to make Sammy talk when he woke up, but he couldn't do this. He cleared his throat, tried to find his voice, but it came out a whisper, "Sammy, please..."
"No, Dean. I need to tell you this, I want you to listen".
Knowing there was no way he'd be able to get out of this, and knowing for sure he wouldn't be up to focus on the road, while having this talk, Dean pulled over and stopped the car.
Taking a deep breath Dean tried to prepare himself for the upcoming talk with Sam. He closed his eyes, he felt exhausted, he'd been driven for eleven hours non stop, except for stopping for gas once. He'd seen a motel a few hours back, and thought about make it the night, but one look at Sam had made him change his mind. His little brother had finally fallen a sleep, and he hadn't had the heart to wake him up.
"Dean", came Sam's soft voice. He rubbed his wary eyes and looked at Sam.
Sam had noticed the way Dean tensed when he understood where he was headed, and it didn't take him by surprised that his stoic brother had tried to stop him, but he couldn't let this go, he needed Dean to know he understood.
So he was relieved when Dean had pulled the car over. For the first time this day, he took a good look at his big brother. Dean looked tired, no beyond tired, he looked exhausted and ready to fall over. He wondered for how long they had been on the road, he hadn't bothered to check what time it was, but for some reason, he didn't think the long hours on the road was the only reason to his brother's wariness.
Taking a deep breath, he was ready. "Dean", he started softly.
Dean turned to him, and locked eyes with him. "Yeah".
What he saw in his brother's eyes made him want to start cry. But he blinked the tears away, swallowed the lump forming in his throat. He had to do this, Dean deserved to know.
"When Madison asked me to...", his voice broke, "to kill her. When she said she was a monster, and this was the only way to save her. I felt nothing but hopelessness. It wasn't her fault, she didn't asked to be bitten, and she didn't even know what she'd become. But she knew what had to be done, and she wanted me to do it", Sam couldn't hold back the tears anymore, and they fell freely down his cheek now.
"Dean, I...", his voice broke once again. "I hardly knew her, yeah I cared about her and I spent the night with her, but we only knew her for a couple of days, still to have her ask that of me, it's not fair. And I've been thinking", he paused, wanted this to come out right. "If it was this hard for me to do that, I can only imagine how it must be like for you when I asked you to kill me," the last two words came out as a whisper.
"And I'm sorry I put you in that situation". There he said it, he said what needed to be said.
Dean didn't look at him, his head turned the other way, he eyes were at something outside. Sam could see how his brother worked his jaw though, how he seemed to have trouble breathing.
"Dean?" Sam asked softly. He knew he sounded pleadingly, but he wanted to know Dean was okay, that they were okay.
When Dean turned, Sam was taken a little aback at what he saw. His stoic big brother didn't have it in him anymore to keep all the pain and fear away. Being both mentally and physically exhausted, he simply didn't possess enough strength, and he'd let his mask fall. And what scared Sam the most was the one single tear rolling down his brother's cheek.
He faltered a little, he wasn't used to his brother so vulnerable. And in lack of words to make it all better he did the only thing he could think of, he reached out and hugged his brother. He felt Dean tense in his grip, but at least he didn't pull away.
Sam did the unthinkable, he hugged him. He tensed up, it felt awkward, they didn't do this. Yeah he'd hugged his father from time to time, and Sam, when they were younger. Not so often after growing up though. They hugged when Sam left for Standford and maybe a few other occasions, but not like this, not after a sharing caring kind of moment. If he hadn't felt so desperate, he would have laughed at that, because they didn't even do sharing. Anyhow, he didn't feel like letting go, and for once he just let himself fall into the embrace.
They staid like that for a while, until they both felt a little awkward. Dean broke the silence first. "Sammy", he said and released his brother, "when you made me promise to...". He swallowed a couple of times to steady his voice, "you could as well has stabbed me. But Sam, I.." God he hated this, "I promised you, and you know I'll always keep my promises." His voice broke, he cleared his throat and clenched his hands into fists in his lap. Sam studied him, it felt like he tried to read his mind and get full access to his very soul, well it was Sam so he probably did. He looked away for a moment, he knew he had to say this, didn't make it any easier, though. "If it ever comes to that, I'll do it, I wouldn't let any one else do it, I want it to be me too".
God, he couldn't believe he'd just said that, but it was true, he didn't want anyone else to end Sam, if Sam wanted it to be him, he'd do it. His baby brother deserved that. Besides, he'd promised him, and Dean rarely made promises, but when he did, he intended to keep them.
"But I'll make you another promise today." Sam didn't look at him anymore, and Dean reached out and lifted Sam's head with his index finger 'till they made eye contact.
"I'll do anything, and I mean anything," Dean said to emphasize, "to make sure that will never happen.". He paused and made sure he still had eye contact with his brother. "Even if it's the last thing I'll do, I'm gonna save you."
Sam let the last words sink in, he'd heard them before, and he knew Dean meant every single word. But that's what he feared the most, that someday, Dean would die, protecting him. That Dean would give up his own life to save him. He couldn't let that happen, and Sam made his own silent promise to do everything in his power to prevent that from happening.
Looking into his brother's determined face now, Sam could do nothing more than believe in Dean's ability to make it all okay. He didn't know how or why, but Dean could always make him feel better, to feel safe. His face turned up in a weak smile, he nodded. "Thanks," he whispered, and Dean returned the smile.
"That's what big brothers for"; he said in a more Dean-like manner. His usual cocky smile in place, he eased back in his seat. Obviously happy with how the conversation had turned out, Dean started the car, and they made their way back at the road.
A short time later, they pulled in to a motel parking lot.
This being my first, I could use some feedback. I'm a little nervous about this, but any kind of constructive criticism is great, just please don't kill me:)