A/N: Again, these characters still belong to the Great and Powerful Stephenie Meyer. I am just tinkering around with them for fun!

More giant thank you hugs for ECABS and UnicornGoddess95. Their friendship, support, and fabulous beta reading are responsible for this encore. Thanks for listening to me whine as I attempted to find new ways to torture the 'Forkians.' Again, if you still have not read their stories The Birds and The Bees, and The Birds and The Bee's Emmett Style, drop everything and go do it now!

Any likenesses to their stories is intentional and with permission (but I would have used them even if they said I couldn't! So Ha!)

Emmett and the Embryo

It was a good thing that I no longer needed oxygen. If breathing were still necessary for my survival, I would have perished in this instant. Where the vicious bear had failed to end my existence all those years ago, Mike Newton and the banana would have succeeded. I was laughing so hard and so loudly that I would have been unable to take a breath to save my life. I was the only one laughing. The rest of the gym sat dumbfounded, gaping open mouthed in their seats. Even Alice's face had registered surprise at Mike's actions, and the human faces showed obvious disbelief. The most shocked of all, however, was Mike himself. He threw the now empty banana peel onto the pile of condoms at his feet. The expression on his sheet white face made it clear he longed for death, or at the very least, escape.

From across the gym I heard Edward quietly join in my still booming laughter. Jasper laughed then, too, and his mirth infected the room until all but two of the gym's occupants had joined in our merriment: Rosalie, who still looked bored; and Mike, who looked violently ill. The instant Jasper was silent the rest of the room ceased to laugh as well. I had never seen him so out of control of his abilities, and I wondered if he had blown a circuit by trying to affect so many people at once. If so, I hoped it was temporary. This situation was already extremely out of hand.

Coach Clapp's whistle sounded behind me, followed by his voice crackling in the microphone.

"Well. I suppose Cullen wins this one, thanks to Mr. Newton's very…um…unorthodox forfeit." He shook his head quickly and chuckled. "You boys can sit back down now."

I slid smoothly back into my seat next to Rosalie—who gave me a quick eye-roll—and turned back to watch Newton. He appeared to be suddenly very absorbed in his own footwear as he strode dejectedly to his chair, making eye contact with no one. When he plopped down next to Jessica Stanley, she looked, for the first time, as if she would rather be sitting next to anyone in the world but Mike Newton.

Coach Clapp produced a giant street sweeper broom from the equipment closet and herded the liberated condoms—with the exception of the one that attacked Tyler—and their now empty wrappers into the corner of the gym. That mess was easy enough to clean up, but I wondered how much harder it was going to be to sweep away the ruin done to Mike's reputation.

Coach Clapp was back at the microphone. "So, when used properly," he raised one eyebrow at Mike, "condoms help in the prevention of sexually transmitted diseases. Who can tell me something else condoms help prevent?" No one made a move to answer.

"Mr. Yorkie?" Clapp demanded.

Eric Yorkie looked up stupidly from the magazine he had been ogling, and managed a weak "Huh?"

"Tell me something else that condoms help to prevent."

Eric's eyes were blank. "Um. I don't know…chafing, maybe?"

The laughter exploded in the gymnasium again before Coach Clapp's stern face cut it short. He was clearly going to pretend he had never called on Eric at all.

"Miss Mallory?" He pressed.

Lauren Mallory threw a frantic, panicked glance at her boyfriend Connor before softly answering "Babies."

Lauren's and Connor's hearts both started thumping so loud and so fast they drowned out every other sound in the room for me. I looked over my shoulder at Edward and shrugged inconspicuously, I knew that he would understand what I was asking.

"They think she's pregnant." He mouthed the words to me.

"She's not." Alice mouthed, grinning.

I turned back around and laughed again. As far as human children went, Lauren Mallory was one of the cruelest I had ever encountered. I had seen her selfish actions and Edward had heard her thoughts. I did not feel the least bit guilty in reveling in her unwarranted gloom.

"That is correct. Condoms can be up to ninety-nine percent effective at preventing unwanted pregnancies. There are other very effective methods of birth control as well, not the least of which is abstinence. I have asked Dr. Carlisle Cullen to speak to you today about other birth control options, as well as to answer any questions you may have about pregnancy and childbirth. He should be arriving at any moment, but as we are ahead of schedule, I think we will go ahead and start the baby video while we wait."

I felt Rosalie tense beside me. Her eyes met mine and it was clear that she was angry. Her irritation was understandable. Carlisle had not informed any of us that he would be making this little cameo appearance in our gym today, but Rose and I were still sure to be the only two surprised. Alice would have 'seen' this coming, and she shared everything with Jasper. Edward would have only to read Carlisle, Alice or Jasper's thoughts to become privy to it as well. I was a little miffed that none of them had been concerned enough to warn Rosalie.

Alice did not remember being human, so she was not sure if she had ever wanted to be a mother. She didn't feel that loss. Rosalie did. As a human, Rose had dreamt of finding a loving husband from a well-to-do family, and having two or three beautiful, well-to-do children of her own. Her children would have been beautiful, too, even if her husband had been a troll. Although she had ended up with a rather fine husband, if I may say so myself, and we were more affluent than she could have ever dreamed, Rosalie would never bear my child. She would never bear anyone's child. As deep as her love for me is, I know that this loss still hurts her. It was a pain she had directly confided only to Esme and me, but the others were still aware of it. I was angry at their lack of foresight by not giving us some warning. A feeling of calm spread over us then, and Rosalie relaxed. I turned around again to look at my siblings in the back row -with the intent of glaring at Jasper-and saw that the forlorn expression on Edward and Bella's faces matched those worn by Rosalie and me. I had not considered the implications to their future in this regard either, and I instantly forgave Edward for not warning me. He had other things on his mind.

Alice caught my eye and mouthed to me again. "Don't worry, it won't be sad."

I looked from Bella to Edward, and then back to Rosalie. I couldn't imagine how a happy little movie about the babies we could never have could not be sad, but I hoped she was right. I comforted myself with the knowledge that she usually was.

As usual, Alice was right. It was in no way a "happy little movie about babies" as I had worried. The title that flashed onto the screen was "The Joy of Childbirth." The title was the only appearance that "Joy" made anywhere in the video. The opening scene featured a woman who was experiencing childbirth, but she did not look joyful. She looked rather like the monster, or perhaps even the victim, in some gruesome horror movie. The next scene was of an embryo. It looked more like an alien than a baby; much less human than any of the members of my family. The narrator droned in a monotone voice about the progression of pregnancies in trimesters. He then moved on to things so graphically disturbing that I refuse to speak of them. Finally, we got down to the "action sequence" of the film. The woman screamed and writhed around in agony, but the narrator's voice was still as flat as if he were discussing bread mold.

"Labor and delivery can be quite painful for the mother. Each new life bears a price."

I thought back to my own painful transformation into this new life and supposed that the narrator spoke some truth.

The movie had clearly been made as a deterrent to teenaged girls from having sex at all. The emphasis had been on the nine months of discomfort followed by several hours of pure agony. There were no touching moments of the woman cradling her new baby with a loving gleam in her eye. I was grateful for that much at least.

The movie was over, and Carlisle still had not arrived. Thankfully, Coach Clapp seemed at a total loss about what to lecture on next, so he gave the room a few minutes to talk quietly. Rosalie was not talking though, and I knew she was still thinking about impossible dreams.

Three rows behind me I heard a faint sniffle. I identified the source as Lauren Mallory and snapped immediately from my somber reverie. I smiled mischievously at Rosalie, a plan forming quickly in my mind.

"Lauren and Connor are scared that she will soon be experiencing "The Joy of Childbirth" firsthand." I whispered so low that only Rosalie had any hope of hearing.

Jealousy danced in Rosalie's saffron eyes.

"But Alice says she won't." I assured, hoping to lift her from the settling gloom. Far removed as Rose was from her human days as a society girl, she still relished a good scandal. She already loathed the Mallory girl, anyway. Edward had let it slip that Lauren thought herself prettier than Rosalie. How she could believe that was beyond me, there was no comparison, and I suspect that Edward was just goading Rose. She was usually apathetic towards humans as a whole, but her distaste of Lauren Mallory was surpassed only by her animosity for Bella. Rosalie's haunting eyes took on a vicious gleam, and she turned to face me, projecting her voice so that the rows behind us could hear her clearly.

"And I hear those stretch-marks never really fade. That's almost worse than losing your figure permanently, to be scarred in such a way." Her eyes trailed slowly, purposefully, from mine around to Connor's. A new tone resonated in her satin voice, one that I recognized at once. It was her "come hither" voice, and it was usually reserved just for me. The boy didn't stand a chance. She entrapped his eyes with her own, and allowed the golden flames to burn. "With a ruined body, bikinis would definitely be out, how disturbing." Never breaking their eye contact, Rosalie made a show of uncrossing and re-crossing her legs in her wonderfully, absurdly short skirt.

Connor's jaw dropped, and the fabric of his pants visibly shifted. Lauren looked from the growth in his lap up to his eyes; her face registering shock. When she followed his gaze and saw Rosalie, that shock turned to outrage.

Lauren grabbed her satchel from underneath her seat and stood to leave. She glared again at Connor, but he was still enthralled in Rosalie's eyes.

"Those two and half minutes of my life were not worth this!" She hissed at him under her breath, and then snapped around quickly to face the door.

"Two and a half minutes?" Rosalie's voice was just as alluring as before, but now it held a mocking edge. "How…disappointing."

The flames in her eyes went out and she made a show of looking away from Connor and back to me. She flashed me a brilliant smile, draped her hand on my shoulder, and threw one last fleeting glance back to Connor and Lauren. She did not normally behave this way around humans; but her little play act had cheered her, so I did not complain.

Lauren had not gotten two feet from her desk before Carlisle appeared in the doorframe. She stopped so abruptly that her satchel traveled on without her, slamming into Eric Yorkie's desk, and knocking his magazine on the floor. I read the title as it slid by my feet: something about Dungeons and Dragons. What a loser. He sheepishly crouched in front of Rose to retrieve it from its resting place, only inches away from her high-heeled foot. She faked a stretch and straightened her leg in the air only inches away from Eric's left cheek. He stood up and shook his head quickly, then made to turn back to his seat.

"Eric?" Rosalie purred. He whipped around to face her; obviously startled that she knew his name. I was a little surprised at that myself. "I find the mind flayers to be particularly alluring myself." She gestured fluidly to the magazine in his hand. I looked more carefully at the title now. Advanced Dungeons & Dragons Monster Manual (An Illustrated Compendium of Monsters: Aerial Servant to Zombie.) I could not imagine Rosalie knowing anything at all about this particular book, but whatever she said to Eric apparently struck a chord.

"M-me, too." He said lamely.

She flashed him one more smile before nodding her head in obvious dismissal.

"Mind Flayers?" I questioned.

"Believe me, Em. You really don't want to know."

"But how did you know? I thought I knew about all of your fetishes, or is this new?"

"Ha, ha." Sarcasm dripped from her voice. "He kept staring at them in his book during that awful video, and his heart would spasm every time he did. I'm quite certain they are his favorite."

Of course Rosalie wouldn't have watched that stupid movie. She had obviously tried very hard to avoid the baby imagery if she had resorted to observing the humans.

"Nasty." I cringed. So I'm not going to have to dress up like a Mind Flayer tonight then?" I was mocking her, as only I was allowed to do.

She fixed me with the same look she had given to Connor earlier: pure passion and desire flaring in her golden eyes. I admit, I responded in exactly the same way he had. I always had trouble controlling myself around Rose.

Her perfect eyes left mine, and focused obviously on my lap. A wickedly seductive smile played on her lips and she deliberately returned her eyes to my face.

"No, you won't." She answered my earlier question. "Actually, I'm terribly sorry, but I don't believe you will be doing anything tonight. Not with me, at least. I really do need to install the turbo with the intercooler on the M3."

I groaned. She was pure evil, and I loved her all the more because of it.

"If that's really what you want." I was playing along, but I had no intention of spending the evening alone. The M3 would not be the only thing to be worked on tonight. I have the same effect on Rosalie that she has on me. She cannot resist me either.

All of this had transpired in the few moments it took Eric Yorkie to cover his enlarged crotch with that lurid book, and walk forcefully out of the gym door, pushing past Carlisle without a second look. I felt a momentary stab of pity for the Mind Flayers, whatever they were, for what they were probably about to endure at Eric's hand.

Eric was the only one oblivious to Carlisle's arrival. An impromptu chorus of gasps sounded in the gym as the female population caught sight of him. I smiled and gave Rose a playful wink, glad again that I possessed neither Edward's nor Jasper's powers. It was awkward enough imagining the thoughts these little girls were having about my father figure without having to actually hear or feel them.

Carlisle favored Mrs. Cope—who was rushing over to him—with a warm smile. He was just as alien as the rest of us, but somehow the humans always felt more at ease around Carlisle. I had often wondered if the fact that he had never actually killed a human caused him to "vibe" differently to people than we did, or if it was just the kindness in his eyes. Either way, he could put people at ease almost as easily as Jasper.

He allowed Mrs. Cope to usher him over to the mock stage to stand beside Coach Clapp, who had returned to the microphone.

"Dr. Cullen has taken time out of his very busy schedule to come and speak to you today. I expect that you will extend him the same courtesy that you do me. Please be quiet now, and listen."

No one paid any attention to half of what Coach Clapp ever said, but they would be hanging on Carlisle's every word. Even Lauren Mallory, mad and scared as she was, was returning to her seat now. She did not want to miss her chance to gawk at the good Doctor.

"Good afternoon." Carlisle's voice echoed thru the cheap audio system, making him sound as if he were underwater. "I am Dr. Carlisle Cullen. I assume many of you are already acquainted with my children."

He smiled at us then: Rose and me in the front, and then Alice, Jasper, Edward, and even Bella. He felt guilty about being here, I was sure. That was fine by me; I was still upset that he had not warned us. I made a mental note to ask Edward later what in Hell Carlisle was thinking. Of all the doctors in the dratted town, why did they ask him? Maybe coach Clapp liked Carlisle as much as his wife liked Rosalie.

"Coach Clapp has asked me here today to talk to you about various forms of birth control. I am sure that you are bright enough to understand the school's sense of timing in this matter. Big events such as the upcoming Prom often lead to intimate acts. I want to caution you, however, not to do anything that you do not wish to do simply because your date spent money on you and bought you flowers. A gentleman should expect nothing."

The group hung on Carlisle's every word, but I found my mind drifting. After all, Rosalie and I could teach a graduate level course on sexuality, we had tried just about everything there is to try. And birth-control wasn't an issue we had to consider. I thought, instead, about what was planned for tomorrow.

Edward was forcing us all to go to the dance because he was taking Bella. None of us really minded, although Rose pretended to, of course. It was an excuse for her to show off, and an excuse for me to watch her show off. Alice was ecstatic at the thought of playing a round of "Beautify Bella." A happy Alice meant a happy Jasper, so I supposed it was a win-win situation for us all. Bella probably wouldn't be too happy, though. She was not in on our little scheme, and Edward had forbidden mentioning it in front of her. I wondered if Carlisle's speech had tipped her off. I heard them whispering softly in the back of the room. Bella was chastising Edward for making fun of Mike, oblivious to the talk of formals. I supposed Prom was still a go.

When I turned my attention back to Carlisle he had moved on to discussing the negative aspects of birth control pills.

"They are very effective at preventing pregnancy, but they offer no line of defense against sexually transmitted diseases. Most of these diseases are treatable, but not curable. You will carry most of them for the rest of your life, another reason that it is a good idea to abstain until marriage."

I nudged Rosalie playfully with my elbow.

"I've married you enough times to get lucky after prom, right?"

We were going to the Prom tomorrow night and -gentleman or not-I was expecting a little something afterward. From the flurry of booming hearts in the gym, I assumed that several of the boys had similar expectations. Mike Newton's heart began to drum the William Tell Overture. Jessica Stanley, his girlfriend, smiled over at him, as if she was anticipating some action as well. I wondered if she would fare better than the banana had.