Disclaimer: The only thing I currently own is all my wonderful books, not Gilmore Girls.
My Ramblings: So, for me, this is another new one-shot. I just thought of it today and sat down to write it, and well, here it is. This is my first attempt of anything Rory/Jess. Though this is just from Rory's thoughts... no Jess. But this is basically set after Jess takes off to California. If anyone likes this, I may do something from Jess' POV if asked.
Any before anyone ask, I'm going to make it clear: This is just a one-shot. I will not continue it. I may however, do something of Rory moving on with her life and her running into to Jess again. I don't know, it's a toss up but this is and will remain a one-shot.
On with the story!
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She didn't want to be this girl.
The one who cried endlessly, tirelessly because her boyfriend broke up with her. Even when technically he didn't brake-up with her, he left her.
She always thought it was stupid to cry so much over something. Especially over a boy.
She didn't necessarily believe in her mothers way – wallowing. For any other females, it was a chance not to worry about the calories they were consuming. To watch movies with unrealistic endings that ultimately made them cry harder then they already were.
She didn't see a point to it.
Ice cream didn't make you feel better. Nor cookies or brownies. Make you gain a pound or two, yes. Feel better, not a chance. Watching movies with sickeningly sweet endings made you feel better? Hell no. It normally made you fell worse, knowing your life wouldn't end the way it did in the movie. Moreover, it didn't end with the boy you were crying over.
Nope. Wallowing didn't help one bit.
To feel completely spent from wasting tears was not a way to spend your day. Really, what point was there to it? To ooze tears and tears over someone who hurt you so, shouldn't not have tears wasted over the loss.
However unfortunately, every stone wall has it's cracks.
In her case, it was Jess Mariano.
She wasn't naive to think they were going to grow old together. Nope, doing that would have caused more splinters that were her heart.
But just because she never thought beyond a year with them, didn't mean she didn't love him. That, she did.
But he had left, not caring what he left in his wake. She refused to cry over him, it wasn't worth it. He wasn't worth it. Nonetheless, that didn't stop her throat from clogging every time she stepped into to Luke's. Or the tears to blur when she heard the Ramones. Or the tears that never really slipped from the corner of her eye as she saw the notes he left in her books.
She didn't like the way she felt like running whenever someone in town whispered his name.
But the thing that really bothered was the way she did want to lay down and just cry and cry until the hurt went away. That wasn't like her. Though she didn't put much stock in it, the wallow session over Dean had worked. But the one over Jess did nothing to soothe her shattered heart.
She could feel the jagged edges of her heart cut deeper with each breath. Now, she would never admit it hurt to breath since she found out he skipped town. Only in her lowest would she say that she felt like such a... Normal female when they have their heart broken. Even her best friend didn't know the extent of how much she was hurting. She tried to keep the pain tucked from view, knowing that something as simple as mentioning a book would make those jagged edges cut just a little deeper.
When she learned of his departure, the realization slowly seeped into her, disbelieving. She didn't want to believe that he would hurt her, leave without no goodbye, no explanation, no nothing. And as the veil lifted from her disbelief, she felt crushed, her heart tumbling to millions of little pieces she knew, would not fall back into place so simply.
But ask her if she thought it was a surprise, you would know she was lying when she said the first word that tumbled off her tongue. She had been suspecting something bad was going to happen for weeks but had refused to believe it had anything to do with his sudden distant moods. She had a dark, deep thought that was the bad feeling that she had felt.
She had tried to clog those feelings, preferring not feel the deep loss, she carried around with her. She didn't want to allow herself to be like those females that mourned the loss and forgot to live. But the longer she ignored the pain, it became sharper, more intense. She didn't want to mourn him but bottling her emotions wasn't working either.
For once in her life, she didn't know what to do.
Did she tear down the wall she carefully built to lock her pain away?
Or did she completely let herself fall?
Or continue riding the waves of self-control, refusing to do either?
It didn't matter because in the end, she would have to fall before she could climb that latter towards putting him, this pain, behind her.
And as she pulled the flaps of the small box that was for him together, she felt the weight on her chest of not wanting to do it but knowing she needed to.
She shoved the box away as her vision blurred, her veins pounding as blood rushed through them. She could feel her control wavering, She was, she knew, at the point where she could shove the pain back and slam that door shut again and continue to walk around numb, never to show her feelings. Or she could do what she had refused to do all these months.
She stumbled on shaky legs, collapsing face down on her bed. As she buried her face in the pillow, she could feel the tears finally run free, freeing herself of the self embraced shackles.
Seems like just yesterday Here I am, once again
You were a part of me
I used to stand so tall
I used to be so strong
Your arms around me tight
Everything, it felt so right
Unbreakable, like nothin' could go wrong
Now I can't breathe
No, I can't sleep
I'm barely hanging on
I'm torn into pieces
Can't deny it, can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Here I am, once again