Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter or the musical Hair. Duh. The moral of this story is that granola and coke do not mix. I learned that the hard way. Hence, this crossover. Oh yeah, note the student side comments in the songs. There will be A LOT! Oh, and FYI, Sarima I do own. She is McGonagall's much younger cousin whom she is bringing up, and who will appear in many other stories, mostly as an adult, but this takes place in Harry's third year, so she'd be about eight.
Chapter 1: Hair
It was the beginning of a new year at Hogwarts. The first years had been sorted and everybody was ready to eat and of course, Madame Hooch was bugging Dumbledore about how he desperately needs a haircut. Dumbledore was really annoyed about this and decided to do something that would make her cut it out for good.
Dumbledore was ready to make his yearly speech to his students before summoning the food, as usual. He stood up….and did something very out of the ordinary, much to the surprise of the students. He started singing!
Dumbledore: She asks me why…..(indicates Madame Hooch) I'm such a hairy guy.
Harry: I don't know, Ron. I just don't know.
Dumbledore: (Now stands up.) I'm hairy noon and night. Hair that's a fright.
At this, he grabbed the spiky hair of Madame Hooch and rubbed a random balloon in it, while the students gazed on in a confused stupor.
Dumbledore: I'm hairy high and low. Don't ask me why:
At this point Professors McGonagall and Snape stood up and sang with him!
Dumbledore, McGonagall and Snape: (in 3 part harmony) Don't know!
Dumbledore: It's not for lack of bread, like the grateful dead.
Dumbledore, McGonagall and Snape: (get up on table, McGonagall lets down hair which falls to her feet): Darling….
Dumbledore:starts dancing with other 2) Give me a head with hair. Long beautiful hair! Shining! Gleaming! Steaming! Flaxen! Waxen!
DMS: Give me down to there hair! Shoulder length or longer! Here, baby! There, mama! Everywhere, daddy, daddy!
All the other professors were watching this up until now, and, to the students' horror, they started singing along!
Professors: Hair! Hair! Hairhairhair! Hair! Hair! Hair!
Hermoine and Neville: AAAHHHHH!
Seamus: OMIGOD! Musicals have taken over the world!
Malfoy: (wets pants in horror)
Professors: Flow it! Show it! Long as God can grow it, my hair!
The three leading professors then jumped off the table and started sauntering around the Great Hall.
Dumbledore: Let it fly in the breeze and get caught in the trees! Give a home for the fleas in my hair!
DMS: A home for fleas!
DMS: A hive for bees!
Flitwick: OH YEAH!
DMS: A nest for birds! There aint no words for the beauty, the splendor, the wonder of my…
Professors: Hair! Hair! Hairhairhair! Hair! Hair! Hair! Flow it! Show it! Long as God can grow it, my hair!
DMS: (pointing at random peoples' hair) I want it long! Straight! Curly! Fuzzy! Snaggy! Shaggy! Ratty! Matty! Oily! Greasy! Fleecy! Shining! Gleaming! Steaming! Flaxen! Waxen! Knotted! Polka-dotted! Twisted! Beaded! Braided! Powdered, Flowered, and Confettied! Bangled, Tangled, Spangled, and SPAGHETTIED!(McGonagall dumps a plate of spaghetti on Snape's head!)
An American flag next came down behind the singing professors.
Professors: Oh say, can you see my eyes? If you can, then my hair's too short!
DMS: Down to here! Down to there! I want hair down to where it stops by itself!
Professors: DUDUDUDUDU! DUDUDUDUDU! DUDUDUDUDU! DUDUDUDUDU!
Sarima : (Just coming in) 'Nerva ?! Are you ok?
The crown jewel in this bizarre spectacle occurred when Dumbledore popped up from under the table completely naked! Madame Hooch fainted. Guess Dumbledore's solved HIS problem!
Dumbledore: They'll be GA-GA at the go-go when they see me in my toga! My toga made of grey brilliantined Biblical hair!
DMS: My hair like Jesus wore it! HALLELUJAH! I ADORE IT! Hallelujah! Mary loved her son! Why don't my mother love me?
Professors: Hair! Hair! Hairhairhair! Hair! Hair! Hair! Flow it! Show it! Long as God can grow it my hair! (repeat twice)
When finally all this was over, everybody under the age of 19 had passed out from shock, except for an eight-year-old girl with chestnut hair and hazel eyes. Sarima, once she was sure her cousin and legal guardian was sane again, walked up to Professor McGonagall and said "Minerva? Did all this just happen?"