The One with the Frozen Heads

A Friends Fanfic

by Pjazz

2007

This episode is set sometime in season 7-8. Chandler and Monica are together. But Rachel hasn't had her baby and Phoebe hasn't met Mike.

INT. CENTRAL PERK.

CHANDLER, MONICA AND PHOEBE SEATED.

MONICA

I'm getting a Latte. Anyone want anything?

CHANDLER

I'm good, hon.

PHOEBE

Double mocha, please - oh, and scones with fresh cream. And wild strawberries. With tarragon. And exotic spices.

MONICA

You're paying for yours.

PHOEBE

Then nothing.

MONICA GOES UP TO THE COUNTER, PLACES THE ORDER.

JENNA PULASKI, A WELL-DRESSED OVERWEIGHT WOMAN, EXCLAIMS IN SURPRISE -

JENNA

Monica? Monica Geller?

MONICA

Yes? Omigod! Jenna Pulaski! It's been, what - 15 years?

JENNA

Too long. My, you've lost weight. A lot of weight. And you look great.

MONICA

You too. You've...changed your hairstyle. It looks great.

JENNA

So, what are doing now?

MONICA

Well, I'm married. This is my husband, Chandler. My friend Phoebe.

JENNA

Hi.

CHANDLER/PHOEBE

Hi.

MONICA

Come sit with us.

JENNA

Thank you.

MONICA

Jenna and I were friends back in high school. They called us the 'Queens of Home Eck'. So, are you married?

JENNA

Yes I am. To a Frenchman.

PHOEBE

OOh, so you're a French madam, only without the prostitutes.

JENNA

Not quite.

CHANDLER

You have prostitutes?

JENNA

My husband's a Count. So technically I'm not a madam I'm a Countess.

PHOEBE

Oh this a is an honour, your Royal highness.

JENNA

You don't have to call me your Royal highness. Your majesty will do. (BEAT) I'm kidding.

MONICA

(LAUGHS TOO LOUDLY) Oh ha ha ha ha! You're such a kidder!

PHOEBE

Still, a Countess. Ooh, do you have your own slaves? Who you order about and if they mess up you thrash them with whips?

JENNA

No. We had to let them go. European Working Directive.

PHOEBE

Damn those beaureacrats. They ruin it for everyone.

JENNA

So what are you doing these days, Monica? Apart from not eating. And looking gorgeous.

MONICA

Well, I'm head chef at a restaurant, Alessandro's, here in the city.

JENNA

How exciting. I own a restaurant in Paris.

MONICA

I don't like to boast but Alessandro's got a 5 star rating in the New York Times.

CHANDLER

(COUGHS) 4 star.

JENNA

President Jacques Chirac once sent me a handwritten note saying how much he adored my menu.

MONICA

If you want to talk about famous people, David Letterman once dined at Alessandro's.

PHOEBE

Until Chandler chased him away.

CHANDLER

Hey, I watched that guy every night for 20 years. And you're telling me he can't spare 5 minutes to hear some of my jokes?

PHOEBE

You chased him dowm the street. For three blocks. In the rain.

CHANDLER

From now on we're a Leno household.

JENNA

The French actor Gerard Depardeau complimented me on my vin de pays. I shouldn't really say this, but he also pinched my bottom.

MONICA

Oh really. Well, the famous tv actor, Joey Tribbiani once tried to sleep with me.

JOEY ENTERS

MONICA

In fact, I'll prove it. (SHOUTS) Hey, Joey! Wanna have sex with me?

JOEY

Now? I've just come in for a Danish. But I guess I could.

CHANDLER FRANTICALLY WAVES JOEY TO BACK OFF

JOEY

Could I least get my Danish?

JENNA

I see you're as competitive as ever.

MONICA

D'you think? I'd say I've mellowed with age.

PHOEBE

Yeah right. Mellow like a fox.

MONICA

Are you in the city for long?

JENNA

Not long. I've just sold my cookery website to Times-Warner for a million dollars.

CHANDLER

Wow. The only thing we've sold on the internet is a photograph of Joey. We got 59 cents on Ebay.

JOEY

That's because you sold the wrong photograph.

CHANDLER

I couldn't sell the one you gave me. You were naked in it.

JOEY

That bad boy would have fetched more than 59 cents.

PHOEBE

I'd have bid for it.

JOEY

Thanks, Phoebs.

PHOEBE

Don't mention it, Big Daddy.

MONICA

I drive a Porsche!

JENNA

Good for you. Here's my car now.

A LONG BLACK LIMO PULLS UP OUTSIDE

JENNA

So nice to meet you again, Monica. Phoebe. Charlie. (TO JOEY) Strange man...

JENNA EXITS

CHANDLER, JOEY AND PHOEBE STAND AND STARE AT THE LIMO AS IT DEPARTS.

PHOEBE

Will you look at the size of that limo!

MOICA

(SULKS) Does it have precision German engineering and class leading road holding characteristics?

PHOEBE

Who cares. It's as long as a block.

ROSS ENTERS

ROSS

Hey, was that Jenna Pulaski getting into a limo? I haven't seen her since High school.

MONICA

Uh huh.

PHOEBE

She's a French Countess now.

ROSS

Wow. You know, back in High school I got to 2nd base with her.

MONICA

Oh please. She was lying on the floor, you thought she was a bean bag and sat on her.

ROSS

Oh yeah. Now I remember. She was very soft.

CHANDLER

She owns a restaurant in Paris. And she's an dotcom millionaire.

PHOEBE

Plus she gets felt up by horny french actors.

ROSS

Wow. Quite a success story.

MONICA

Did anyone else notice Jenna Pulaski's still fat?

ROSS

Monica! How can you say that?

MONICA

I'm sorry. But cut me some slack here. Thin's all I've got.

INT. NIGHT.

MONICA'S APPARTMENT. BEDROOM.

CHANDLER & MoNICA ARE IN BED. MONICA CAN'T SLEEP, SHE'S TOSSING & TURNING, KNEADING THE PILLOW, ETC.

MONICA

I can't beleive that Jenna Pulaski. A Countess. Paris restaurant. In High School Home Eck I carried that girl. Without me she'd burn soup.

CHANDLER

Ah, the smell of burnt soup in the mornings , smells like...college.

MONICA

Her own Paris restaurant? I mean, please. You know how long I've dreamed of owning a restaurant in Paris?

CHANDLER

Since this evening?

MONICA

At least.

CHANDLER

I don't get what all the fuss is about. So your high school friend is rich and successful. Shouldn't you be pleased for her?

MONICA

What planet are you living on?

CHANDLER

You're not pleased for her?

MONICA

No. Yes. No.

CHANDLER

Well I'm glad you cleared that up.

MONICA

It's complicated. In one way I'm pleased for Jenna.

In another way I'd like to slap her smug face every which way.

Haven't you heard of shadenfreude? It's a German word.

CHANDLER

Shadenfreude? Wasn't he a Nazi General who died in Hitler's bunker?

MONICA

It means to take pleasure at someone's lack of success. She was shadenfreuding me!

CHANDLER

What? You're a success.

MONICA

Do I have a restaurant in Paris? Am I rich? Am I a Countess?

CHANDLER

You think that's success?

MONICA

Yeah huh! Her job's better than mine. She's way richer than me. And she married better.

CHANDLER

Good lord! Don't tell your husband. Oh wait - you just did.

MONICA

I'm sorry, honey. And I love you. I do. But do you have your own title?

CHANDLER

Well, in high school they used to call me Mr Funnyguy.

MONICA

Great. I'll just change my name to Mrs Funnyguy and I'm all set.

CHANDLER

Mr and Mrs Funnyguy. Boy, we'd have to be careful what we named our kids.

MONICA

And Jenna Pulaski's a dotcom millionaire? Please. All I get from the internet are emails on ways to enlarge my penis.

CHANDLER

Ah, honey, I think those are meant for me.

MONICA

Yeah? Would it hurt you to at least look into it?

CHANDLER

Ouch. No loving for you tonight.

MONICA

Good. I'm not in the mood for sex.

CHANDLER

Y'know, there's no reason you couldn't have your own website.

MONICA

I know nothing about computers.

CHANDLER

But Ross and I do. At least I think we know enough between us to set something up.

MONICA

Really? My own website. Could we call it 'Monica's Hot Dish'?

CHANDLER

You want a cookery website or a porn one?

MONICA

How about - Yeah. We could even set up a live webcam.

MONICA

So people from all over the world could log on and watch me cook?

CHANDLER

Not just cook. People from all over the world could see and admire what you've done with the apartment.

MONICA

(GETTING AROUSED) They'd be able to see my apartment? And all my stuff?

CHANDLER

See, and admire. Maybe even could be the next Martha Stewart. Only without the jailtime.

MONICA LEAPS ON CHANDLER

MONICA

Let's do it like bunnies.

CHANDLER

Dirty little bunnies.

INT. MONICA'S APARTMENT

THE WHOLE GANG.

CAMERAS AND LIGHTS HAVE BEEN SET OVER MONICA'S COOKING STATION. CHANDLER IS HUNCHED OVER A LAPTOP COMPUTER. IS ABOUT TO LAUNCH.

ROSS

5 minutes! 5 minutes to air. Places, people, places!

JOEY

Wait a minute. Something's not quite right.

ROSS

What is it, Joe? Is the camera wrong?

JOEY

No...

ROSS

Is it the lights? Are they too bright?

JOEY

No...

ROSS

Then what?

JOEY

Got it. The donut cart.

ROSS

What donut cart? We don't have a donut cart.

JOEY

Exactly. On 'Days of our Lives' we always have a donut cart handy. For between takes snacks.

MONICA

I think there's some leftover pizza in the fridge, Joe. Will that do?

JOEY

I guess. It's not the same. But That's what happens if you work with amateurs.

MONICA

I'm so excited. My own website. In your face Jenna Pulaski!

RACHEL LAUGHS

MONICA

What's so funny?

RACHEL

I just remembered what they used to call you and Jenna PUlaski back in High school.

MONICA

The queens of Home Eck?

RACHEL

No, that's what you called yourselves. Everyone else called you- you know what? It doesn't matter.

MONICA

What did they call us?

RACHEL

It was a long time ago. It's not important.

MONICA

Rachel, tell me.

RACHEL

The Humpty and Dumpty of Home Eck.

MONICA

Omigod! Who? Who called us that?

RACHEL

It was mostly Suzi Hoffman and her gang. She was a real bitch.

MONICA

Oh my. That's why Suzi Hoffman used to say to me 'don't sit on any walls, Geller' and laughed. I always wondered what the hell she meant by that.

JOEY

Which one of you was Humpty?

RACHEL

What? Joey, is that really important?

JOEY

Sure it is. I'd rather be called Humpty than Dumpty any day.

MONICA

Well..?

RACHEL

Oh all right. Monica, you were Humpty.

MONICA

Yes! No, wait. I'm still incredibly offended.

RACHEL

but it was years ago. Look at you now - thin and beautiful.

MONICA

The fat person inside me is still very upset.

RACHEL

She's still in there? Boy, I thought you'd starved her right out years ago.

Anyway, if it makes you feel better I happen to know Suzi Hoffman's on her third stint in rehab.

MONICA

Really? Hmm, that does make me feel ! That schadenfreude's really kicking in.

RACHEL

Uh huh. And - she's got a plastic septum. (SNIFFS) Know what I mean...

JOEY

Her septum's plastic! How does she have sex?

RACHEL

What? Joey, a septum isn't a...What do you think a septum is?

JOEY

Isn't it-(WHISPERS IN RACHEL'S EAR)

RACHEL

No!

MONICA

What'd he think it is?

RACHEL

(WHISPERS IN MONICAS EAR)

MONICA

No! It's part of the nose.

JOEY

Oh. Whatta y'know. You live and learn.

I certainly won't be telling girls they have a pretty septum any more.

ROSS

One minute! One minute to air.

RACHEL

Here me go. Good luck, Humpty.

MONICA

Hey! It might be 15 years but -Thin ice.

ROSS

Chandler, all set your end?

CHANDLER

Uh huh. We're already picking up site traffic. Plus I downloaded a whole batch of porn.

ROSS

Good. I spent all weekend printing fliers and handing them out on campus.

I put on them you were a really excellent cook.

MONICA

Thanks, Ross.

PHOEBE

And I put on them you were really hot and would be wearing a tight sweater.

So don't make me a liar.

MONICA

Uh - thanks, Phoebs.(BEAT) I think.

ROSS

Phoebe, you're up!

PHOEBE

Time for my song. I wrote it specially.

(STRUMS GUITAR AND SINGS)

"Welcome to Monica's kitchen

The food here is really bitchin'

The aroma will get your nose twitching

You probably won't want to move to Michigan

La-la-la-la-la-la-la

Though I hear Michigan's really nice in the Fall

The Fall-al-al-al-al-al."

ROUND OF APPLAUSE FROM THE GUYS

PHOEBE

Thank you. No really. You're too kind.

ROSS

Cue Monica!

MONICA

Hi, I'm Monica. And This is (BEAT) Okay. Forgot it's not a live audience. No applause, Monica, get real.

RACHEL

Hi, everyone!

MON

That's - uh - Rachel, my assistant for the evening. Could you hand me the whisk, Rachel.

RACHEL

Sure thing. What's a whisk?

MON

Uh, the whisk-shaped object right in front of you.

RACHEL

Right. Of course. Here I go handing Monica the whisk. Me, Rachel Green handing Monica the - what's it called again?.

MON

Never mind. Uh, Rachel,wait a second, my hair's caught in your broach.

RACHEL

Be careful, that's a present from my parents.

MON

Well, my hair's sorta a present from my parents, so yeah, I'm gonna be careful.

RACHEL

Got it?

MON

Yeah, that's why I'm still bent over for the fun of it. No. Stand still. Ugh, it won't come loose.

PHOEBE

Let me try.

RACHEL

Be careful,that broach-

MON

Yeah, we get it. A present from your parents. Hey, that hurt! Don't tug, Phoebe.

PHOEBE

It's no good. You're stuck fast. We'll have to cut off all your hair.

MON

Or Rachel could take her shirt off.

PHOEBE

Ooh, that'd work too.

RACHEL

I can't take my shirt off.

MON

Why not? It'll take like ten seconds.

RACHEL

I'm - uh - not wearing a bra.

MON

What? Why aren't you wearing- Oh I get it. The attention. This is so like High School science class all over again.

RACHEL

What? No it's not.

MON

Oh yeah? Remember that crush you had on Mr Casey, the supply teacher? You took your bra off before the lesson just for him. Like he noticed.

RACHEL

Oh he noticed all right.

MON

Ha! So you admit it.

RACHEL

Gee, you got me, Columbo.

MON

Take your shirt off!

RACHEL

You take your shirt off!

THEY STRUGGLE PULLING AT EACH OTHER'S CLOTHES

PHOEBE

Ross, turn the camera off. We're having some technical problems.

ROSS

Okay, the camera is off.

JOEY STROLLS OVER

JOEY

Still filming?

ROSS

Oh yeah.

JOEY

Look at them go. If only I hadn't eaten the last jar of jello.

(HITS HEAD)

Stupid, stupid, stupid! Always leave one jar of jello in case a chickfight breaks out.

CHANDLER

I think we have some cranberry juice left over from Thansgiving.

JOEY

Cranberry juice? Yeah, that'd do it...

THE END OF PART ONE

AUTHORS NOTE

You're probably wondering where the frozen heads of the title are. Don' t worry. Frozen heads coming right up in part two, along with Joey's psyche-test and a whole lot more.

PJ