XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXChapter 1: Voldemort vs. Harry Potter
"Come on Voldemort, are you scared? Or maybe I need to call you Voldie!"
"Be quiet Potter! When I'm done with you, you'll wish you never crossed my path!"
"Hello! You broke into my house! Oh, and by the way, I defeated your reptilian butt when I was a baby!"
Both adversaries circled each other, glaring. Hermione and Ron stood nearby ready to help their friend should it come to that.
Suddenly, a cell phone began to ring…
Voldemort held up a time-out sign as he answered his pink Razor phone with the ring tone set to "Sexy Back" by Justin Timberlake. Harry stood frozen, deeply disturbed by the choice of ring tone and phone color as the lyrics "I'm bringing sexy back, YEAH!" blared across the battlefield.
"Hello?" Voldemort answered. His pale, pale, pale cheeks turned a bright pink when his mother's voice answered.
"Hello Honey! How are ya!" she said in a spazy New York accent. "I was just calling to remind you that we a have a lunch date tomorrow!"
"Not now mother! I'm trying to kill someone!"
"Ooh! Is it that mean boy who's been bullying you?"
Voldemort tried not to scream, realizing the high volume at which his mother was speaking, and the giggling of the enemy trio.
"Not now mother, I have to kill Harry Potter, so bye!"
"Tomas Riddle Voldemort! Are you trying to get rid of your mother!" She asked in a booming voice. Voldemort cowered and held the phone at arm's length.
"Of course not mom!"
"Good! Now pass me over to Harry so I can have a word with him!"
"Harry?! This is my arch nemesis and you call him HARRY?!"
"Well, of course dear, isn't that his name? Besides, there's been quite a stir over that young man; he's like a celebrity. You want me to be happy don't you?"
"Yes mother." Voldemort grumbled.
"Voldie, say it like you mean it, snuggle muffin."
"I love you with all my heart, mommy dearest." Voldemort tried to whisper as low as he could.
"What? I can't hear you, say it a little louder."
"I love you with all my heart, mommy dearest."
"I really can't hear you honey, you're gonna have to speak louder."
"I LOVE YOU WITH ALL MY HEART, MOMMY DEAREST!" Voldemort screamed into the phone.
"Wow! So much emotion, you really love me a lot don't you? But still, baby, you gotta get a new phone service, yours breaks up too much. Listen I hear Verizon has a great family plan, why don't you switch to them? Then we can talk to each other more often, snuggle muffin!"
"I'm okay with this phone service, mom, really. Can I call you later, I really, really have to take care of something important."
"Okay, honey bun, I know you're a busy person. Just send me a picture of your Harry friend okay? Bye Cutesie pie!"
Voldemort had no time to convince his mother otherwise. He took a deep sigh and turned to look at his enemies. Just as he had feared, they were on the floor; laughing so hard that Voldemort turned a shade darker than Weaseley's hair.
"Come off it now, and lets on with the fight!"
"What about the picture you mom wants?" Harry inquired, tried very hard not to laugh. Voldemort grumbled as he set his phone to camera mode and swung an arm around Harry's shoulder. He set the camera to take the picture, and unfortunately the lowest time was 15 seconds. Voldemort smiled his best reptilian smile and said to Harry between brilliant smiling teeth.
"I used to be a model before this you know."
Ron's eye began to twitch as he imagined Voldemort modeling a spandex swimsuit.
Hermione, who knew what Ron was thinking, began to rock back and forth as she thought of a happy place. She had envisioned Voldemort modeling a pink and blue Speedo.
Anyways, just when the timer was about to go off, Harry changed his 'Deeply Disturbed' face into the 'I'm-an-angel-in-wizard-robes' charming smile. As soon as the camera phone clicked, Voldemort and Harry separated awkwardly, both shivering from the proximity. Voldemort saved the picture and texted it to his mom:
EvilDarkLord666: picture attachment:HarryandMe : Hey! Mom, just like you wanted!
Unfortunately, his mom was anxiously awaiting the picture so she replied back rather quickly. As in, the very second she finished reading her son's message.
FROM: AwesomeMom123: OMG! What a cute picture! I'll text it to everyone I know! We'll put it on our Christmas cards this year! Isn't that a great idea?
Voldemort sighed and closed his phone.
"Lets get this over with. Nothing can save you now Potter!"
But it seemed as though the hand of fate itself was playing a dirty trick, because no sooner had the words come out of Voldemort's mouth that Harry's cell phone began to ring.
Harry Potter slipped the sleek, black iPhone from his robe pocket, the ring tone set to "American Idiot" by Green Day, and answered it with a touch of the finger.
"Boy!" the gruff and uninviting voice of uncle Vernon drawled out "I'm so glad I reached you! You're on TV, and about to die! Isn't that absolutely wonderful? You did mention me in you will, didn't you?"
"WHAT?! I'm on TV? How did you even get my PHONE NUMBER?" Harry yelled, deeply perturbed by the image of Vernon perversely stalking him. Harry hung up and shoved the phone down his robe pocket, as far as it would go (which wasn't very far at all), all the while searching frantically for hidden cameras. The fact that they were 'hidden' and therefore not easily spotted only flickered in his brain for a millisecond.
Suddenly, out of nowhere, Ashton Kutcher jumped out and yelled excitedly:
"You've just been punked!"
He stopped laughing when he noticed their blank faces. Except for Hermione, who recognized him from "Teen People", a muggle magazine that she read.
"Hello? Like, seriously, haven't any of you heard of MTV?"
Silence followed… somewhere a cricket chirped.
"This is the last time I get convinced to travel across dimensions! I hate that stupid viewer programming people!" Ashton murmured angrily to himself. "Look! I am the manager of the show 'Punk'd' that is on MTV, and we prank lots of famous people."
Harry and Ron slowly nodded as Ashton finished his explanation.
"Well don't mind me! Continue on with your little duel!"
"You mean I can kill him now?" Voldemort asked, eyes shining with child-like glee.
"Kill him?! You want to KILL HIM? For goodness sake! I run a show that's PG-13! I can't have you two avada-kedavraing yourselves on live TV! Do you know what the rating on that would be?" Ashton Kutcher raved, imagining the viewer programming gremlins on his heels. "You simply cannot! Think of something else to satisfy your rivalry."
Both Harry and Voldemort scratch their invisible (nonexistent) goatees while the neurons pump in their brains. Finally (surprisingly) Ron comes up with a solution, as a light bulb (also non-existing) turns on over his head.
"I know! You two could have a…"
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