Amusement Park Rides

(Scene opens to Pintel and Ragetti rowing a little dingy)

Both: Row, row, row you boat, gently down the stream! Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, life is but a dream!

Pintel: I love that song!

Ragetti: I loved it first!

Pintel: I was born before you so that would make me the person who loved it first!

Ragetti: SO! I love it more than you.

Pintel: No I love i—

Jail Doggie: SHUT UP!

(Pintel and Ragetti look over at him confused)

Pintel: When the hell did you get here?

Jail Doggie: Maybe when I broke you out of jail…

Pintel: (confused) What…

Jail Doggie: Let me show you…


Ragetti: WE'RE GONNA DIE! (Cries)

Pintel: I KNOW! (Cries)

Other Pirates: (Angry) Suck it up babies!

(All of a sudden Pintel and Ragetti's jail cell door burst open)

Voice: Come with me if you want to live.

(They look over and see a dog with a leather outfit on with black sunglasses. It's Terma-dog!)

(Pintel and Ragetti look at each other then back to the dog)

Both: OKAY!

(The odd trio escapes from the jail)

*End of Flashback*

Ragetti: That was weird…

Pintel: Seriously…

Jail Doggie: So now that you believe me lets sail in some piece and quie— (Looks at the sea) LOOK! A CATFISH! (He jumps off the boat and chases after it)

(After a while you here lots of hissing and then one last painful yelp. Then you see Jail Doggie back in the boat with a bunch of scratches on his face)

Jail Doggie: Ow…

Big wave: OM NOM NOM ima eatchu!

All: AHHHH (crash)

(A few minutes later)


Pintel: OKAY!

(They go back out into the ocean and repeat)

Jail Doggie: Okay then… I'll just get the Pearl ready for stealing myself. (sigh)

(Back at the cannibal place) (There's a sign now. It reads: SO YOU THINK YOU CAN DANCE: CANNIBAL)

Cannibal 1: Okay well this is my ritual dance that I've been working on for forever! (Does a two second dance.)

Cannibal 3: That SUCKED!


Mary: (screams) AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. Well I thought that was WONDERFUL. Good enough for the HOT TAMALE TRAIN! (screams)

(Few minutes later)

(Cannibals bring a beautiful necklace for Jack

Cannibals: (Puts the necklace on)

Mary: (Laughs) Sexy.

Jack: Yes I am rather sexy don't you think?

Mary: (sigh)

Jack: (Picks up a toe) (stuffs it in mouth)

Mary: Ew…

Jack: Hmmm…tastes like chicken! (Eats another) (Looks at Mary) Want one?

Mary: I'd rather die to be honest

Jack: (Laughs hysterically) YOUR ALREADY DEAD!

Mary: (cries)

(Scene changes too the hamster cages)

Gibbs: (Dancing)

Will: (sits in a corner and cries) WHYYYYYYYYY (sob) why would he put us in these cages! I JUST WANTED THE COMPASS! (sob)

Gibbs: You wanted the what?

Will: His compass, you know the little green thing that spins around and says "WHEEE"?

Gibbs: (Confused)

Will: (sighs) (rolls eyes) (Spins around and says "WHEE")

Gibbs: OH THAT THING! Why would you need that?

Will: (shifty eyes) No reason…

Gibbs: (Goes back to dancing) I really wish I could go onto So You Think You Can Dance. (sighs)

Will: So uh… why is Jack acting like such a bitch?

Gibbs: He has no choice! They're gonna eat him!

Will: EAT WITH HIM? (shocked) Why don't we get to do that? (pouts) I'm so hungry…

Gibbs: Uh they're gonna eat him for dinner?

Will: I want to too (pouts)


Will: (shrugs)

Gibbs: (disturbed)

Will: Hey? Where are the other people?

Gibbs: All around us… (sad)

Will: (looks around) I don't see anybody? Just these weird things on the cage.

Gibbs: Uh… that's them?

Will: EW EW EW EW That's so gross! (starts running back and forth causing the cage to swing)

(Back to So You Think You Can Dance: Cannibals)

Cat Deeley: (pops out of nowhere) Alright ladies and gentlemen, its time for this weeks top 10 group number! FIRE DANCE!

(Cannibals run in all holding fire and do a very elaborate jazz number)

Mary: Wow that's pretty good…

Jack: Uh I think its time too go (runs away)


Cannibals: (Finish dance) TADAH!


Cannibal 2: HE'S GONE

(Scene changes to Jack running away)

Jack: (giggles) They're not going to eat me! They're not going to eat me! (skips) (stops in his tracks, he's reached a cliff) Dammit I wish I could fly… I'm bloody Captain Jack SPARROW. I'm a bloody bird who can't fly!

(Few minutes later all the cannibals come running toward Jack) (He has two palm leaves in each hand and is flapping them while hopping up and down) (He finally notices that they are there)

Jack: (embarrassed) This is awkward…

(Scene back too the fire pit) (Jack is tied onto a piece of bamboo)

Mary: (snickers) Welcome back

Jack: (glares)

(They place him over the fire pit)

Cannibal 4: Someone get the hot sauce!

Jack: Ouf.

(Scene changes to swinging hamster cages)

Will: (Running back and forth) Ew Ew Ew! Dead People!

(The two cages finally swing far enough for the crew to grab the vines)

Gibbs: (Grabs balloons) Okay everyone, start blowing!

(They grab the balloons and start blowing them up with the helium machine that popped out of nowhere)

Will: SO much more smarter than climbing, pshh who wants to do that? (Pauses) (turns to Gibbs) Hey do we really need everybody to sail that ship?

Gibbs: No don't think so why?

Will: (Innocently) Just wondering.

(He pops all the other people's balloons)

Other people: AHHHHHHHHHHHHH (falls) (dies)

(Cannibal 5 is walking by, he sees them trying to escape)

Cannibal 5: THEY'RE TRYING TO ESCAPE (runs off) (Runs too fire pit) STOP! In the name of love, before you break my heart! (sings)

Jack: (Confused)

Mary: These cannibals sure are a talented bunch?

Cannibal 5: (finishes song) (bows) The prisoner's are escaping Chief!

Simon Cowell: (pops into story) That was bloody awful. (pops out)

Jack: Weird I swore I just heard something…

Cannibal 1: I'm getting hungry… (goes to take a bite)

Jack: HEY NOW I'm not even cooked yet!

Cannibal 1: (pouts)

Cannibal 5: (frustrated) DID NO ONE HERE ME! They're ESCAPING!

Jack: Oh shizzit that's never good (snickers)

Cannibals: (stare)

Jack: GO GET THEM DUH! God you'd think a bunch of rabid cannibals would have bigger brains than this.

Cannibals: (run away) (drop flames)

(Everything catches fire)

Jack: Where's the fire extinguisher when you need one.

(Scene back too the cages)

Cage: LOOK I CAN FLY! (floats)

Will: SICK!

Gibbs: (does a happy dance)

Dead crew: DAMN YOU

(The cage floats up until it reaches the cliff and then collapses)

Cage: God you guys are heavy.

Will: Hmmm (opens up a book titled "How to Escape a Cage Made Out of People For Dummies") it says here we should cut it loose, so let's do that! Ya good plan by Will (grins)

(Scene back too the fire pit)

(Everything is on fire)

Jack: So uh Mary… wanna help me out here?

Mary: Maybe I could if SOMEONE didn't throw all my body parts away! (Glares)

Jack: (sigh) ANY BRIGHT IDEAS THEN! I'm gonna be roasted like a chicken soon!

Mary: Hmmm…chicken sounds tasty right about now…

Jack: (angry) MARY!

Mary: What? I didn't get to eat anything before I died! I'm starving!

Jack: (glares)

Will: (sees cannibals) uh oh. (Gets up) (Trips) (The cage starts to roll) (It rolls off another giant cliff)

Gibbs: AHHHH


Marty: This ain't so bad eh? Kinda fun! (Everyone looks at him) I mean…AHHHHHHH!

(The cage flies off another cliff and crashes into a tree)

Cage: Ow bitch that hurt!

Tree: (groans)

Cannibals: (Running while singing opera)

Will: Ow my ears! (sees cannibals) Oh crap. LIFT THE CAGE!

Gibbs: Lift it like a lady's skirt!

Will: (confused) How do you do that?

Crew: (stare)

Will: WHAT? Elizabeth never let me do that…

(They start to run)

(Scene changes to Jack running with the bamboo stick still attached too his back while holding Mary)


Jack: Shut it, will you.

(Jack continues running and stops to try and get the ropes off) (Sees Cannibal child holding a knife)

Cannibal Child: FOOOOOOOD (runs at Jack with knife) (Jack steps aside) (Cannibal Child trips and falls)

Mary: That's not very nice.

Jack: (Mimics) That's not very nice…

Mary: (disapproving look)

Jack: Oh can it and your stupid conscious! (Goes to pick Cannibal Child up)

Cannibal Child: THANK YOU SIR!

Jack: PSYSCH (Steals knife) (tries to cut ropes) (sees Cannibal Women)

Cannibal Woman 1: (holds out red cloth)

Jack: AHHHHHHHHHHHH (runs at her)

Cannibal Woman 1: OLE!

(Jack runs into a pile of coconuts) (One attaches too his bamboo stick)

Jack: (sings) I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts! Wait…(light bulb appears over head)

(Jack swings around and "throws" coconut) (It hits Cannibal 2 in the face)

Cannibal 2: OMG YOU BROKE MY NOSE! (growls)

Jack: Uh oh.

(Back to Will and crew)

(They're running)

(Quite fast)

(The cannibals are still singing opera while running and chasing them)

(They still suck)

Will: Man you'd think we were all long distance runners!

(They reach the cave randomly in the middle of nowhere) (Fall)

Cage: This is gonna be the end of me. (Crashes into water) (Dies)

Will: (Surfaces) That was the most awesome ride ever! It should totally be part of an amusement park!

Gibbs: I'm pretty sure we already have a ride at one of those…(shifty eyes)

(Will was about to say something when the cannibals show up and start shooting sticks at them)


Cannibal Child: (runs up) Guys! The food is escaping!

Cannibals: (run away)

Everybody: (confused)

(Scene back too Jack and Cannibal Women)

Jack: FOOOOOOD FIGHT! (Chucks fruit)

Cannibal Women: (Returns fire)

(Over the course of the food fight fruit somehow forms a sexy Jack kabob)

Mary: (who was in Jack's hand the whole time) I'd eat that.

Jack: I'm starting to think your crushing on me.

Mary: (shrugs)

(Jack starts running at the pile of coconuts again) (This time he runs so fast that he defies gravity and does this super cool flip thing and lands on the other side)

(Over on the side Fan Girls are standing carrying score cards, 10s all around.)

Jack: I'm amazing.

Mary: I think I'm gonna be sick.

(The Fruit start sliding down the Jack kabob)

Fruit: (giggles)

Jack: This is gonna hurt.

(Jack kabob falls off cliff) (It catches onto the rock) (Jack unwinds)

Jack: Oh my God those toes are coming back up (gags)

Mary: AH! Don't aim this way

Cannibal 1: What. An. Idiot.

(The bamboo stick shifts)

Jack: Where's a parachute when you need one.

(Jack kabob falls again)

Jack: (screams like a little girl) IM GONNA DIE (cries)

Mary: Hey at least I'm already dead.

Jack: (hits a bridge) Ow. (Another) That kinda hurt (Another) OKAY WHAT THE HELL I THINK FALLING TOO MY DEATH IS PAIN ENOUGH! (Pouts)

(Finally Jack goes through enough bridges that his momentum slows down) (He hits the miraculously placed mattress on the ground)

Jack: Hey that wasn't so bad! (grins)

Mary: (rolls eyes) You'd think you'd be smarter than that.

(Jack looks up and sees the bamboo stick falling)

Jack: HOLY *(&*%$#

(Bamboo stick crashes into the mattress and then into the ground between Jack's two legs)

Jack: That was bloody awful.

Mary: Well I'd say that was a pretty fun ride…

Okay well this story was my baby when I first started here so I couldn't not continue. I hope you enjoyed this chapter, it was kinda hard to write seeing as these scenes were already funny to begin with :P

Heres my shameless plug: Please go check out my other story Love at First Sight. Its nothing like this one but I think it's good. Thanks!

Nobody likes read and runners so don't be one! Anonymous Reviews accepted!

Mrs PD