192A/N: Two updates in one week. Wow. Don't expect that too often :-) We get a look at Sirius's perspective in this chapter, and also meet his inner voice (hilarity ensues). Oh, and just an FYI: be prepared to want to kill me when you get to the end of this chapter (Just read. You'll see). Enjoy, lovies…
A Silly Thing Called Love—Chapter Four
An unseasonable heat wave had settled over the grounds of Hogwarts. The air was heavy and damp, the skies darkened by miserable, drizzling rains. Halloween was less than a week away and the dreadful weather was slowly poisoning the collective holiday cheer.
Sirius was lying half-draped across a plush, oversized chair, staring miserably up at the ceiling. Lily sat on the floor, her back pressed against his chair, a quill twirling absently between her fingers as she skimmed the pages of her history book.
The common room was abuzz with endless conversations, the atmosphere uncomfortably thick with the press of too many bodies in one space.
It was a Saturday morning. The common room should have been empty.
Sirius sighed, shifted his weight.
He was bored. James had marched off earlier to serve a detention with McGonagall, and Peter had disappeared with his newly acquired 'secret friend.' And Remus…well. Where to begin with dear old Moony?
Something had been bothering Remus for weeks. Something eating away at him, stirring his wolf. Something having to do with him. Sirius was sure of it.
Why else would he look so nervous whenever Sirius approached, or flinch away whenever Sirius touched him? Why else would he look so, so hurt?
Remus hadn't looked at him like that since The Incident with Snivellus, and that…Sirius shivered. Those had been the worst months of his life, enduring Moony's cold fury and utter disregard.
So what did I do now? he thought desolately.
Nothing, he told himself. They had been getting on famously. Sirius hadn't said or done a stupid, childish thing in weeks—although. There was that one spell, but how anyone could be angry over a suit of armor that pinches your bum and screams hot potato! was beyond him.
Okay. So maybe he had done a few childish things, but nothing so worthy of Remus's righteous disapproval. And yet…
I must have done something.
There had been no distancing with James or Peter or Lily. No hurt-filled glances. No wariness or hesitation or avoidance. No, Remus seemed only to be pushing away from him. But why?
"Hey there, sleepyhead."
Sirius looked down at Lily. She was smiling up towards the staircase, book closed in her lap. Glancing over, he felt a strange flutter in his chest.
"My Padfoot," Remus teased. "Don't we look positively cheerful?"
"Oh, don't mind him," Lily replied. "He's mourning the loss his weekend."
"Poor puppy," Remus smiled, and Sirius had the sudden urge to cup that glowing face in his hands.
Stop that, he chastised, tearing his eyes away. How can I…
A fluke, he intoned. A momentary loss of self.
It had to be.
Right?
Sirius shifted again, pulling his eyes away from a now reclining Remus Lupin—who looked terribly shag-able with his rumbled clothing, sleepy, half-lidded eyes, and disheveled hair. Oh god, Sirius panicked, his blood running suddenly cold. Oh god, oh god, oh god!
What was wrong with him? Since when was Remus 'shag-able'?
Duh, his inner, frankly amused, voice chimed in. Since always.
No, he argued irritably, not since always. Only since…
Quiet laughter. Always?
The fact that he was arguing with himself wasn't nearly as frightening to Sirius as the fact that he was now realizing he…what? Fancied Remus?
No, he told himself. No way. It's, it's hormones! Yeah, that's it. Pesky, teenage hormones.
Right, laughed his inner voice, which sounded remarkably like Lily, and dragons are cuddly as kittens. Face it, Pads, you're smitten.
I am not! he protested, horrified and slightly…warmed.
You are.
A Black is never 'smitten,' he replied haughtily.
Fine, then. Not smitten—
Damn right, not smitten.
—In love.
That's ri—wait, what? No! I'm not…I don't…
You are, came Lily's calm, assertive voice. And you do.
I'm cracked, he decided. Had to be to think—
But what if he wasn't? What if he really did fancy Remus?
I don't.
You do.
Don't.
Do.
Oh, shut up.
This was serious. Really serious. What if this was more than just hormones? What if he did fancy Remus?
No way, he thought. I would know if I fancied someone. Right?
Not if you're thick as a post, was the sarcastically sweet reply.
Sirius ignored it.
He needed to think about this. Really think about it. Could he, in all honestly, ever fancy Remus? Could he find the way his dusty-blonde hair fell across his eyes appealing? Could he find the way he chewed on his bottom lip so sinfully tempting? Could he find those amber-flecked eyes so endlessly beautiful? Could he find his smile enticing? His strong, pale hands so wantonly sexy? His mouth so needing of devouring? His—
Bloody hell, he sighed, feeling every inch miserable and dejected. I fancy Remus.
Yes, well. I hate to say I told you so…
Oh, bugger off.
When did this happen? How did this happen? How does one go about falling for his best friend without even realizing it? And why did it strike him so suddenly? Why now?
Why not? countered Lily's annoyingly persistent voice.
I though I told you to bugger off!
He crossed his arms with a childish huff, drawing further into himself as he tried to puzzle out what was happening to him.
What was he supposed to do? It wasn't like he could march up to Remus, shove him up against a wall, and snog him senseless. Well, he could. It would probably even be heaven right up until the moment Remus hexed him into next week.
He might not…
Sirius frowned. What did I tell you?
"Stupid voice," he muttered.
Stubborn oaf.
Oi! You're supposed to me my conscience.
Then perhaps you think you're a stubborn oaf.
Sirius scowled. How was he supposed to deal with fancying Remus when his own conscience was against him?
And why the hell did his conscience sound like Lily?
"…have a snog with Remus."
Sirius jerked back to reality, his mind racing with a thousand confusing thoughts. "Sure, Lils—"
Wait a minute. "What?"
Lily looked up at him, a single eyebrow arched in question. "I said you should have gone with Remus. To meet James?"
Sirius's brow pinched in confusion. I could have sworn…
"Are you sure?" he asked.
"That Remus went to meet James?"
"No, that you—"
"That I what?"
I losing it. I must be losing it to have heard—
"Sirius, are you alright?" Lily asked, the back of her hand pressed to his brow. "You look rather pale. Maybe you should go lie down for a bit."
"I think maybe I should," he murmured, hauling himself to his feet. "Tell James…"
Lily smiled softly. "Don't worry," she said. "I'll make sure no one bothers you."
Watching him stumble up the stairs, an adorably bemused expression on his face, Lily settled back into her book with a smug grin. No one but Remus.
Pale fingertips glide across his bare chest. Gentle, teasing.
A warm breath caresses his neck. Lips press lightly against his skin. Playful, promising.
Sirius's eyes flutter closed, a sigh whispers from his lips.
The room is dim and shadowed. Candles flicker in plain silver sconces, painting the walls with glowing, writhing forms. The floor is layered in thick, dull-colored carpets, soft and supple beneath his body.
An artful tongue traces the line of his ear, his throat, his collarbone.
Sirius draws a ragged breath, fingers clutching at the floor.
Lips curl against his skin. A knowing smile, a promise of more.
A face blurred by some unseen light hovers just there. Waiting, daring, hoping.
He lifts his head—
"Sirius."
He looks up and the world shifts, quivers and falls away.
White swallows his vision, empty and cold.
Remus stands an arms length away looking hurt and betrayed.
Sirius frowns, steps towards him. "What?" he asks. "What have I done?"
Remus shakes his head, steps away. "Blind," he whispers. "So terribly blind."
The air shimmers and blurs. Remus fades…
And Sirius woke with a start, sweaty and panting, heart pounding against his chest.
"What the hell?"
Remus sat outside the Transfiguration classroom, knees drawn up to his chest, watching the statue of Boris the Bewildered sway back and forth to some unheard hula dance. Sirius and his statues, he smiled.
It drove Filch and McGonagall batty, having to unspell a new statue nearly every week, all the while knowing it was Sirius but unable to prove it.
He does like to push the envelope, though.
His latest prank, genius as it was, had very nearly tipped McGonagall over the edge. A suit of armor that pinches the bum of everyone that walks by and screams hot potato! was risky enough, but to have it pinch McGonagall's bum and scream cold fish! was downright suicidal.
Sirius was lucky Dumbledore had been there to quell McGonagall's wrath, although she had later given him a month of detention for arriving late to class. His look of utter smugness had earned him a further two weeks.
Not that Sirius was in any way bothered by the prospect of six weeks of detention. He and James had long ago surpassed the record for most detentions received, and neither seemed particularly inclined to throw in the towel.
Boris the Bewildered paused mid-hula, seeming more bewildered than usual, before settling into a stiff cha-cha rhythm. Remus laughed softly. What am I to do with you, Sirius Black?
Since the full moon several days earlier, Remus had noticed a distinct resurgence of control over his wolf. It was still more agitated than usual, still clawing desperately for the surface, but it was once more securely leashed.
Which lifted a huge weight off Remus's shoulders.
Things weren't back to normal, not by a long shot, but they were getting there. The spicy scent Sirius emitted still enticed him like nothing else, but he no longer had to worry about what his wolf might do if he relaxed just a smidge too much. He could relax around Sirius now without fear of what he might say or do.
Oh, his heart broke every time he looked at Sirius, caught a glimpse of his smile, brushed up against his arm, but that would fade in time. The small spark of hate he felt simmering in his gut would fade as well. Love could be a cruel master, but it couldn't keep its hold forever, not when Remus refused to bow before each stinging lash.
"Contemplating the meaning of life?"
Remus blinked, looked up. "No," he grinned. "Just the meaning of that," he said, waving a hand towards Boris the Bewildered, who now appeared to be doing The Twist.
James chuckled. "Leave it to Sirius…"
"How was detention," Remus asked, pushing himself to his feet.
"Oh, just thrilling," James drawled. "I wrote lines for two hours."
"Let me guess. 'I will not put newt eyes in a fellow student's soup.'"
James feigned a shocked gasp, pressing a hand to his chest. "How ever did you know?"
"If I told you," Remus replied with mock severity, "I'd have to kill you."
"Cute, Moony."
"Well," he shrugged nonchalantly. "I prefer devilishly handsome…"
James snorted. "You've been spending too much time with Padfoot."
Remus arched a curious eyebrow, lips twitching in amusement. "So you're saying I'm visibly repulsive?"
"Not at all. Just that I think you've cracked."
Remus laughed, stepping around the statue of Gunhilda of Gorsemoor, which whistled appreciatively as they passed (and looked pained in doing so). "Fair enough."
"Speaking of Sirius…"
"What about him?" Remus asked, ignoring the nervous twist in his stomach. Does he know?
"I think you should talk to him."
"About what?"
James stopped, an uncharacteristic frown darkening his features. "He thinks your angry with him."
"What? Why?"
"Don't know," James shrugged. "But he does, and it's not fair of you to let him think so."
"I'm not!" Remus replied heatedly. "I would never…"
"So talk to him, Moony. You know how he gets."
Remus nodded mutely, following James into Gryffindor Tower.
Talk to Sirius. I can do that, he thought, ignoring the nervous flutter in his belly—his earlier confidence at reclaiming control over his wolf seeming suddenly very foolish. I think.
The dorm room was stifling; hot, muggy air blowing in through the open window. Rain splashed against the bared windowsill, dripping down the wall to puddle on the floor. Everything looked damp and miserable.
Sirius paced a circuit around the room, unmindful of the dreadful atmosphere. He needed the fresh air to clear his head. To think.
What was he to make of that dream? A lithe body, pale and sensual. Soft, teasing fingertips and warm lips. Faceless but…
A disapproving cluck of the tongue and then, Do I really need to say it?
Sirius paused, scowling darkly. What part of 'bugger off' didn't you get?
Silence.
"Finally," he muttered, savoring the inner peace and quiet.
Sirius was at a crossroads. Of course he knew who the faceless body belonged to. Had the object of his sudden lust been anyone else, he would have simply taken them to an empty classroom and shagged them senseless. No commitments, no strings attached. But this was Remus—and Remus J. Lupin would never be a simple one night stand.
Thus his crossroads.
On the one hand, he found himself irresistibly attracted to Remus—And where the hell had that snuck in from? —On the other, he knew that, not only would Remus never submit to being a one night stand, but that he deserved more. Remus was the sort of bloke you settled down with, not fooled around with…and that was the problem.
Sirius wasn't sure he knew how to settle down, to commit to one person for the rest of his life. He wasn't even sure he could commit, and if there was the slightest chance he might prove in anyway unfaithful to Remus than the risk simply wasn't worth it. He would never be able to live with himself if he ever hurt Remus.
You know? You really don't give yourself enough credit, Pads.
Sirius sighed. Oh?
You are perfectly capable of commitment.
You don't say.
I do say, came Lily's softly amused voice. You're just terrified of it.
Am I?
Oh, yes. You, Sirius Black, are terrified of being rejected.
I—
"Padfoot?"
Sirius froze, heart plummeting to his stomach.
"Why do you have the window open?" Remus asked, crossing the room to pull it closed. "It feels like a sauna in here."
"I, uh…Fresh air?"
"Uh-huh. Are you feeling alright Sirius?"
Lovely thanks, he thought sarcastically. I think I might shag you into the floor. And you?
"Fine, Moony."
And then Remus was there, hand resting on his arm, a slight crinkle in his brow, fathomless emotion in his eyes. "Can we talk?"
Sirius swallowed hard and nodded, not trusting his voice.
Remus drew away, sliding down the foot of his bed to sit comfortably on the floor. He patted the spot beside him and Sirius dutifully sat. "Things have been…strange between us lately. I know it's mostly my doing but—" Remus turned his head, locks of dusty-blonde hair falling across his eyes. "Sirius, you haven't done anything wrong, okay? I'm not angry with you."
Sirius looked away, sudden desire replaced by bitter memories of hurt-filled glances. "I thought…maybe you'd finally had enough of me."
"No. No, that's not it at all."
"Then what? Why the distance all of a sudden?"
"I haven't—" Remus sighed, shaking his head. "I'm sorry."
"Just tell me why? What I did."
"Nothing. You did nothing, okay?"
Sirius laughed bitterly. "You're giving me the 'It's not you it's me' routine? That's rich, Moony."
Remus felt a flash of amber darken his eyes, felt the wolf stir and howl. Breathe, he told himself. Just breathe. You control the wolf. The wolf does not control you.
"Now you're starting to scare me," Sirius said. "Since when is the wolf this dominate after a full moon."
"It's because you're so close," he said without thinking, and regretted it the moment the words left his mouth. Damn.
"Me? What have I to do with your furry little friend?"
Stupid, stupid, stupid!
"Remus?"
Just tell him, came his own inner-Lily.
Drawing in a deep breath, Remus opened his eyes. "Sirius—"
Those beautiful grey eyes hovered just…there. He could feel the warmth of Sirius's breath, the heat of his body. Full lips parted just so, a well of emotion etched into every inch of that perfect face. Remus thought he saw a flash of surprise, but then those lips were moving closer…
And the door flew open with a bang!
Remus and Sirius jumped apart, flushed and embarrassed.
James, seemingly ignorant of what he had almost interrupted, bounced excitedly in the doorway. "You two have got to see this!"
TBC
A/N: You want to kill me, don't you? I did warn you, you know. Okay, well. I'm thinking one more chapter for this one (maybe two). Don't look so stricken. It had to end some time. Please review, and until next time…