Author's Note: ZimLilly and DragonsEclipse, I'm glad you guys enjoyed the first chapter. The Fifth Element is definitely one of my favorite guilty pleasures, so it's been fun deconstructing it so far and I hope you both get a kick out of this next bit.


(Korben wakes up and stumbles groggily out of bed, hoping and praying that today will finally be the day that his luck changes. That is, until he trips over the cat. The phone rings impatiently.)

Korben: Ahoy-hoy?

Finger: Hey, baby! This is Finger.

Korben: Hi, boo! That's a good little girl…come to daddy…

Finger: Major?

Korben: You know how daddy likes it…

Finger: Uh…

Korben: (Is purring)

Finger: Uhm, should I call back later?

Korben: I was talking to the cat.

Finger: Oh.

Korben: Yeah.

Finger: So…

Korben: I'm looking for one, you know.

Finger: What?

Korben: A woman.

Finger: You need one.

Korben: I WON'T FIGHT FOR YOU! (Hangs up)

Korben: Why does nobody love me?! Why does nobody care?!

(Destitute and traumatized by years of serving under the one named "Finger," Korben takes up his matches, turns the lights off, puts on the smooth stylings of Dashboard Confessional, and sets fire to his old war decorations.)


Cornelius: Our time is short.

President: Should we be worried?

Cornelius: By then it will be too late. Life makes the evil angry.

President: Oh-oh! I know! We can sacrifice that hefty looking tech over there – he's been nothing but trouble and maybe through his death he can calm this evil!

Cornelius: QUIET! I now must explain something utterly obtuse and ridiculous… (Clears throat) Mondoshawans are a peaceful bunch. They have these four element type thingies and these are related to a fifth element that will ultimately save our souls from you…I mean, from the evil.

President: M'kay…what's a moondooshaywand?

Cornelius: Were you not listening just now?

President: Uh…

Captain: Sir, one of the moondayswas ships wants to enter our territory.

Cornelius: For the sake of all that is cheese! It's Mondoshawan!

President: So, these monodayshwans are loving and nice, right?

Cornelius: Yes.

Tech #5: The ship is a strange color. I don't think I've ever seen it before…

Tech #6: Of course you have! It's the same color as the Blurgh's command fleet in Star Command episode 22! Gosh!

Tech #5: Well, I don't trust it. It looks eviiiilll… (Finger moves ominously towards the big button of destruction and doom.)

Cornelius: (Slaps Tech's hand)

General: (As if he's been woken up suddenly) THE BLURGH!?

Cornelius: We're lost!

President: That's quite impossible! We're all right here.

Cornelius: They are the only ones that can help us!

President: I suppose I should make a decision now…

Random Guy: Two UFS approaching…warp speed!

Captain: Who are you?!

Random Guy: I come from the planet Earth, Captain. I am an android of extreme intell –

Hefty Looking Tech: (Strapped to torpedo command console) Why are you sweating, robot man?

Tech #6: Yeah! Robots aren't supposed to sweat. Their metal anterior and mechanical innards aren't designed to function as uniquely as a human's, unless of course they were fashioned using some sort of sophisticated, futuristic plexico –

Cornelius: (Watches calmly as the Tech starts to hyperventilate and then slaps him upside the head.)

Tech #6: –on. It's, uh…a…uh…a really strong material.

Captain: Mr. President! We're under attack!

President: I knew I should've never listened to you, Priest! Your lollygagging peace huggers are after our blood!

Cornelius: I assure you, sir, time is of no importance at this point.

President: WHAT?!

(After much rocking, rolling, pitching, buckling, and girly screaming on account of all male crew on board, the ship tanks and I'm still incredibly confused at this point, but I'm just going to roll with it.)