Not Another Teen Movie: Harry Potter Style

Nix Wolfwood

Hermione Jane Granger had woken up earlier than usual this morning and in doing so rewarded herself with a particularly steamy muggle romance novel. She was quickly skimming through the book, stopping when she arrived at a particularly long sex scene that caused her lower regions to start acting up. She had just the thing to take care of her desires. It was a joke gift given to her by the Weasley twins for her birthday last year, little did they suspect she would become a frequent user.

She pulled it out from its secret spot she had hidden in her dormitory. It was safe because she was Head Girl and shared it with no one. School had not started yet, but she arrived a few days early to get herself settled in. Thus, she was assured that she would have no interruptions while playing with, what the Twin's wrote so cunningly on the side of her toy, Bunny Foo Foo.

She stuck the vibrator inside herself and settled back down to continue the book. Before she could hold it up to read it her door flung open.

"Morning Hermione!"

The book sailed across the room when she heard the voice.

"Dumbledore!" She blushed seeing her headmaster in her room during her playtime. "Why are you in here?"

"Why am I in here?" He asked Harry as he walked into the room next, causing Hermione to groan.

"It's her birthday, headmaster." Harry spoke up, reminding their absent-minded headmaster.

"Happy birthday, sweetie." Dumbledore smiled down at the new head girl. "What is that buzzing sound?"

"I just need a minute here." Hermione whispered, hardly able to contain the feeling in her lower regions.

"Maybe its a Quidditch match going on outside." The headmaster answered his own question.

"How is my little angel?" Mrs. Weasley spoke as she entered the room.

"Happy birthday, honey." Mr. Weasley smiled, following quickly behind his wife.

Hermione nearly fainted. Why were they in her room? Nobody cared this much about her birthday before. With that thought her cat, Crookshanks, jumped on her bed and started fiddling around her crotch area.

"Crookshanks!" She squealed, terrified everyone would find out what was going on below the bedsheets. "Crookshanks, go."

"Hello." The minster of magic walked into the room next.

"Rufus Scrimgeour?" Hermione whispered, barely audible.

"I brought your special friends from St. Mungos." He smiled and she noticed the trail of children following behind him.

"Happy birthday!" A small brunette girl pipped up.

"Hermione's making faces." Another one, way too observant, spoke.

"It smells in here." The youngest boy mumbled.

"Okay, make a wish dear." Mrs. Weasley smiled and brought out a cake closer to Hermione.

At that same moment Crookshanks had managed to pull the blanket covering the head girl and the vibrator went flying in the air.

"No." Hermione screamed as it landed in the cake.


"This isn't a typical school." An older boy with sandy blond hair appeared in front of a group of new students.

All of the students nodded, noticing a giant squid in the lake behind them.

Terry Boot, the boy standing in front of the new students, noticed what they were all looking at and realized he had not made himself clear. "I meant other than the fact that this is a magical school."

The younger students seemed to understand what he was talking about and their face lit up with acknowledgment.

He smiled, content that he made since to the new first years and continued his introduction speech. "At Hogwarts there are no cliques, no exclusive social groups. You're accepted for you, not who you hang out with."

With that Terry moved himself into the center of the new students to get a better look at them. "We'll divide into groups so you can get to know your peers."

"Let's get all you into one group." He pointed the some of the stronger looking students, "You'll be Gryffindor."

"Okay, you greasy gits over there can all stand over here." Terry mumbled, shooing them off to the side. "You are all going to be Slytherin."

He then pointed to the group of girls standing in a tight circle. "And get you slutty girls over here by me. You will all be Hufflepuff."

Lastly he pointed to a few students wearing classes and carrying an armful of textbooks, "You losers should hang in back.

Terry started to walk until he noticed a scrawny boy with freckles standing in with the Gryffindors. "That clearly includes you. Come on, get back there."

"Take a look at the kid standing beside you. They're your only friends for the next four years." The new kids looked at the kids standing next to them and before they had a chance to talk Terry began talking again. "Okay, let's move it, people!"


"Hermione you need to start dating." Harry whined as he sat down next to her in the chariot as they made their way from Hogsmede. They had been sleeping there at night on account of the school's head dorms had become overcrowded and they needed a place to stay. Besides, they did not mind living in the Shrieking Shack.

"I don't date." Hermione rolled her eyes at him. "You know that."

"Hermione, you know Dumbledore's rule." Harry grumbled trying to guilt Hermione into siding with him. "I can't have sex before you."

"I don't conform to typical high-school norms." She stated bluntly, not being swayed by her friend. "I read muggle literature, listen to indie wizard bands and eat tofu. I am a unique rebel."

"More like you're a lesbo." Harry mumbled under his breathe.

"Harry, leave Hermione alone." Dumbledore spoke up, turning around from controlling the carriage.

"Thank you, headmaster." Hermione smiled, happy to have someone on her side.

"If Hermione wants to be a rug-muncher, that's her decision." The headmaster quickly replied, causing Hermione's smile to fade. Finally they arrived back at the school and the students stepped onto the ground.

"Later, headmaster." Hermione called back to him as she was about to shut the door.

"I'll be late to pick you up." Dumbledore spoke up before she could shut the carriage door.

"Why? A meeting of the Order?" The head girl looked excited.

"No, honey." The older man smiled down at her innocence. "I'll probably just be way too drunk off of firewhiskey."

"That's good." Hermione nodded with approval, "You should stay at Hogsmede if you're drunk. You know how crazy you can be with your wand."

"Oh I won't be staying there." He quickly corrected her. "I'll just be to drunk to remember to pick you up."

"Okay. Bye, headmaster." She smiled at him, shutting the carriage door.

"Bye, pumpkin-head." He called back at her.