.hack/Resident Fangirl

Part 1: School? But theirs a bunch of rabid Fangirls…

Yata: Ms. Pie, how is the anti-fangirl serum going?

Ms. Pie: It's just Pi sir…

Yata: So long as you work for me it shall be Ms. Pie…

Ps. Pie: Fine sir. Just don't play any card games…

Yata: What was that?

Ms. Pie: Nothing!

Yata: Back to the question. The serum?

Ms. Pie: The scientists screwed up and now we have a serum that turns people into fangirls…

Yata:…Okay…

Ms. Pie: And it's indestructible…

Yata: Aura damn it!

Ms. Pie: Problem sir?

Yata: Of course there is! This is how all horror virus induced movies start!

(RED ALERT)

Yata: Let me guess…The virus is loose all over the underground research facility!

Ms. Pie: Right, but unlike the actual movie, were gonna get the hell out of here!

Yata: Right behind you!

(Yata and Ms. Pie escape from The Comb)

News Reporter: We come to you now with startling news. Poncho, a pharmaceutical company, has been working on a new serum to repress fangirl genes, but get this! It does the opposite effect and-(channel changes)

Haseo: Same old same old….

Atoli: Of course dear, what would you like for dinner?

Haseo: I'm not sure? Why don't you choose my lovely wife.

(Haseo wakes up from a nightmare)

Haseo: Dear god, I and she were…It was just a dream.

Endrence: Of course it was now come back to bed Haseo.

Haseo: Yes dear.

(Haseo wakes up from a worse nightmare)

Haseo: (breathing heavily)

Shino: What's wrong Haseo?

Tabby: Anything we can do to fix it?

(Haseo wakes up from an awesome dream)

Haseo: YES!

Haseo's mom: STOP YELLING!

Haseo:…Damn it this is reality…

(At The World R2 high)

Atoli: Hey Haseo, how did you sleep?

Haseo: I had a nightmare, then an even worse one, then I had the greatest dream in HaMENity, and then I woke up…

Atoli: What happened?

Kuhn: And what was this awesome dream you speak of.

Haseo:…Would rather not talk about it.

Ms. Pie: Okay student STFU and get ready for class!

Atoli: Mr. Pie using internet lingo. Bad day?

Ms. Pie: IT'S JUST PI! And yes I'm in a foul mood. My second job is a disaster. Poncho Inc. Is in the hoops now…

Kuhn: Oh Mr. Pie I'll call you anything for a kiss (and a feel)!

Ms. Pie: DROP DEAD!

Haseo:…(sigh)

Endrence: Hey class. I had such a wonderful dream I slept late. It was a beautiful dream between me and my dearest Haseo.

Haseo: (KILL!)

Atoli: Haseo, don't let your anger get the better of you!

Borduex: Aww, don't you make a couple.

Atoli: (Blushes)

Haseo: NO, CHANCE IN HELL!

Alkaid: Haseo will be mine!

Haseo: STAY AWAY FROM ME CRAZY LADY!

Shino: My Haseo sure is popular.

Atoli: Shino, what are you doing here, aren't you two years ahead of us?

Shino: I was just escorting a very late student.

Tabby: Really, you're as late as me.

Shino: Good bye.

Haseo: SHINO SAVE ME!

Mrs. Pie: ENOUPH YELLING, OPEN YOUR TEXTBOOKS!

(Door opens)

Mrs. Pie: What is it now…

Bo: I'm a new student.

Kuhn: No way, you've got to be at most twelve.

Haseo: How did you get so good at that you pedo…

Kuhn: It's nothing like that!

Atoli: Maybe he's one of those child prodigies!

Mrs. Pie: This card says you have two names…

Bo: Oh yes. I'm Bo, the other me is Saku.

Mrs. Pie:…Well Introduce yourselves?

Bo: I'm Bo, and uhh, I like ice cream!

(shifts)

Saku:…I'm Saku. I like pretty boys, yaoi, BL manga, anime with hot guys and fruit cups….

Kuhn: OMG, A FANGIRL!

Saku: (throws a brick from nowhere) Got a problem with that…

Kuhn: (bleeding) No…

Mrs. Pie: A+ to the new student and anyone else who throws a brick at Kuhn.

(One bricking later)

Kuhn: Oh…the pain….

Mrs. Pie: Any other questions for the new student?

Atoli: Are you a boy or a girl, because your personalities seem like well…

Saku: Bo's a boy and I'm a girl tee-hee.

Atoli: And biologically?

Saku:…uhh…well…

Ms. Pie: The card says male…

(much of the class laughs while some have their hearts broken…WTF?)

Saku: THE NEXT PERSON TO LAUGH WILL HAVE THEIR FACE REARANGED!

Haseo: (still laughing) And what can you do?

Saku: Just you wait, just you wait.

Ms. Pie: If we're done here can we please get back to work…

(Lunch)

Haseo: Hey Atoli, did you understand any of that?

Atoli: Nope…

Haseo: Kuhn…

Kuhn: Too busy staring at Ms. Pie's more feminine assets.

Haseo: Damn it…

Bo: I was paying attention.

Atoli: Are you Bo or Saku.

Bo: Bo. I understood it.

Haseo: Teach it to me.

Bo: Sure. Oh Saku asked me to give you this note Haseo.

Note: Sorry about the death threat, just go by the girl's locker room and I will make it up to ya.

Haseo: Ha, Respect. I need to get more of it around here.

Kuhn: Uhh Haseo…I don't-

Haseo: Shut up. I'm gonna go get my respect.

(By girl's locker room)

Haseo: Finally, lately I feel like I've been losing my respect. Like I was some kind of man-whore…oh well.

Voice: squee…

Haseo: Huh…I feel…surrounded….(fangirl surround and capture him)

Fangirls: SQUEEEE

Haseo: Wait no stop! What are you! Hey! What's that for! No don't! Spare me! AHHHH!

(Back with Atoli, Kuhn, and Bo)

Atoli: Haseo? Haseo! Haseo…you look pretty…

Kuhn: IT BURNS!

Bo: Uhhh, Saku isn't the one to forgive and forget.

Haseo:…Don't say a thing….

Endrence: Haseo, you look beautiful.

Haseo: Like I want to hear that from you!

Sakaki: Oh-ho-ho. Seems that high and mighty Haseo is that kind of person.

Haseo: Like I want to hear that from a snotty twelve year old.

Sakaki: Laugh it up now, but I'm Vice-Principal and can get you referrals for…well…that…

Haseo: Damn it I was ambushed by Fangirls.

Kuhn: What? I knew something was wrong. People the Fangirls are multiplying!

Haseo: Shut up you perverted idiot.

(Teachers lounge)

Yata: I lost again…

Gaspard: Same time tomorrow teach?

Yata: Of course…

Ms. Pie: Oh lord…I thought we could go one skit without Yata playing cards….

Yata: What is it Ms. Pie?

Ms. Pie: The Fangirl virus…is it okay to leave it unwatched!

Yata: No worries! I had a team of specialists infiltrate it to find stuff out.

Ms. Pie: And have you heard anything?

Yata: No, but I keep getting squee sounds from theses prank phone calls.

Ms. Pie:…Okay Pi, calm down. You promised yourself only twelve mid-life crises.

Yata: Is there a problem?

Ms. Pie: Oh screw it, Yata I'm having another mid-life crisis…

Yata: Why?

Ms. Pie: Same reason as every other time. The man I love is too distracted by children's card games to do his job properly and now the end of the world is upon us again…

Yata: Are you talking about me?

Ms. Pie: No…No I'm not…

Yata: How come I can't beat Gaspard?

Ms. Pie:…We're all gonna die from squealing nitwits in a matter of hours…might as well be drunk…(starts drinking)!

Kuhn: Ms. Pie Haseo's- HOLY COW!

Ms. Pie: (drunk) Jeez this coat is hot, I need to take it off…

Kuhn: Allow me.

Ms. Pie: Oh thank you. The world needs more people like you Kuhn.

Kuhn: Yes it does. Anyway Ms. Pie, how about you allow me to remove that skirt.

Ms. Pie: Oh that would be lovely.

Kuhn: (GOD LOVES ME!)

Atoli: Hey Kuh- WHAT ARE YOU DOING!

Kuhn: Don't worry! I have Ms. Pie's permission.

Atoli:…Come on you perverted loser (drags him away).

Kuhn: NO, MS. PIE WAIT FOR ME!

Ms. Pie: What a nice guy. (Passes out).

(Lunch-yard)

Haseo: ANYONE ELSE HAVE AHYTHING TO SAY!

Gabi: I'm Gabi!

Haseo: I mean anything about me…

Heap of people that said something about how pretty Haseo is: No…

Haseo: Good.

Bo:…Didn't you need tutoring…

Haseo: Yes I do.

(After Lunch)

Ms. Pie: (still drunk) How ya doing class? Hey, Haseo you look like you were ambushed by some rabid fangirls…

Haseo: SHUT UP!

Atoli: Ms. Pie…are you drunk?

Ms. Pie: Well I would rather be drunk for when the world ends then sober…

Class: What do you mean?

Ms. Pie: Well if you all watched the news you would know that Poncho is in the hoops. Why? We were trying to make a serum to repress Fangirl genes. Think of it, a world without FANGIRLS!

(Imagine a better world, no pollution, no crimes, and no fangirls)

Haseo: It's beautiful.

Atoli: Such a world were even strangers would look at me.

Kuhn: (weeping) It's just so….

Saku: (Angry)

Ms. Pie: But, get this, the scientists screwed up, and now we have a virus that turns people into Fangirls! And now the virus in on the loose. Why in about an hour we should see roaming infected Fangirls! I don't want to be sober when they get here. So as you can see, I'm drunk…

(Class is horrorstruck)

Haseo: Oh god, am Infected.

Ms. Pie: If you were infected we would be signs like an all consuming hunger for Sephiroth.

Saku: Bleh, it's all about Kuja. The guy walks around in his underwear SQUEEE!

Kuhn: AHHH IT BURNS!

Atoli: How will we escape?

Ms. Pie: I don't know.

Principle on intercom: Dear school, this is your Principal, Zelkova. Uhm, there are Fangirls outside and they kind of enveloped the school. So Vice-Principle Sakaki and Secretary Kaede are busy locking all doors to the outside world. Oh and if you have friends that had PE this period…well…They seem to have become Fangirls to, even the boys. Wait don't boys become Fanboys? Oh well, I must investigate this. So stay in school! Have fun. Bye.

Every student that heard that: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Ms. Pie: SHUT UP YOU MORONS!

Haseo: Damn it if were gonna be stuck I at least need to find some normal clothing. (Walks out)

Endrence: Wait for me Haseo.

Ms. Pie: That's against school rules.

Haseo: F the rules, we have radioactive Fangirls out there!

Saku: Why the F does everyone look down on Fangirls, I mean if you didn't treat them like some disease to begin with then this wouldn't be happening.

Kuhn: But they are a disease!

Saku: Ignoring you…

Ms. Pie: Well, here in Japan we have the craziest Fangirls, and I mean crazy. The ones in America are nothing compared to the ones we have hear. And with every game release more fangirls just popped up. I mean we have teenaged Fangirls that were screaming for Demon KID prince Laharl, and that's just pedophilia their. And every Final Fantasy added a billion to the growing population. I mean usually Fanboys and Fangirls keep each other in check, but Fangirls have been growing so rapidly that we just couldn't take it and ta-dah…the mess were in now as EVERYONE turns into one.

Saku:…Everyone here is just a Fangirl-phobe….

Everyone: Yes!

Saku:...(sigh)

(On the roof)

Haseo: HOLY! (Looks down at a sea of fangirls who all look up at Haseo who is still pretty)

Fangirls: BISHIE BISHIE BISHIE! SQUEEEEE!

Haseo: It's so vile and disgusting…

Endrence: Found you Haseo!

Fangirls: SQUEEEE! BISHIEXBISHIE! BISHIE LOVE! SQUEEEEE!

Haseo: Do Fangirls really sound like this?

Endrence: Well…to sum it up…In the most extreme…ya…that's all they talk about…

Haseo:…What a sad life.

Endrence: Oh Haseo, only you could feel compassion for these lowly creatures. Your all the more lovely in my eyes.

Haseo: I take that back, nuke'em…

Endrence:…It doesn't matter, you're still lovely in my eyes.

Haseo:…Great…I'm getting out of here. These Fangirls are giving me the creeps.

Endrence: Wait for me Haseo.

(Back in class)

Saku: Why the F did you all tie me up?

Kuhn: Because you're a Fangirl.

Atoli: Kuhn: Isn't this a bit much.

Kuhn: Not really, I mean what if she goes crazy. I mean Fangirls are ranked based on sanity. She may seem like one of the sane ones, (and I mean how many of those do we see), but the case is that she IS a Fangirl.

Rest of Class (save for Tabby): Ya!

Atoli: Kuhn this is going too far.

Tabby: I agree.

Kuhn: Fangirls are too far, we need to restrain her now!

Bo: Uhh, I'm a boy.

Atoli: This does present a problem.

Tabby: Can you keep him tied up?

Kuhn: Damn it, go back to being Saku so that my actions are justified!

Bo: Saku says F you…

Haseo: Man I need to get out of these cloths….

Bo: Haseo, help me! Kuhn tied me up!

Haseo: Kuhn I knew that you were a strange combination of perversion and wrongness, but this takes the cake.

Kuhn: It's not like that! And what about you!

Haseo: I have nothing to hide.

Atoli: Other then a Sailor Moon shrine in the back of his closet.

Tabby: Really?

Atoli: He has every single product they made, even the outfits.

Tabby: Then does that make Haseo a Fanboy?

Atoli: I suppose.

Haseo: What are you two talking about?

Atoli and Tabby: Nothing…(whistling)

Haseo: Just untie him Kuhn!

Kuhn: But what if he becomes Saku. If this ordeal is telling us anything, you can't trust Fangirls!

Ms. Pie: QUIET! I'm trying to keep my head from killing me.

Endrence: (unties Bo) better?

Bo: Better.

Kuhn: What are you doing Endrence. Don't you know that if he turns into Saku she will hound you like mad! I mean Fangirls dream of homo pretty boys like you!

Endrence: For the last time. I'm not gay. It's called Pansexual. And we shouldn't tie up a new kid on a day as traumatic as this…

Kuhn: Fine, but if he becomes a depraved Fangirl, don't blame me.

Haseo: The only thing we blame you for is being a perverted Fangirl-phobe.

Kuhn: Well I do my best.

Haseo: That wasn't a compliment…

Kuhn: To me, it was.

(Student body president Ovan walks in. Arm-case and all)

Ovan: How is everyone doing.

Class: Ovan!

Ovan: Yes, it is I, Ovan. I, Ovan, have come to tell you all, the class, that one of you is infected with the Fangirl virus. Well good luck figuring out who it is.

Class: AHHHHHHHHH!

-(Bonus corner)-

(Hiiragi's sewing class)

Hiiragi: Oh phooey. With all the nonsense going on between the other classes I can't teach how to sew this darling skirt I'm wearing.

Sophora:…We have a strange teacher….

Silabus: I couldn't agree with you more…

Sophora:…Want to make out as the world crumbles around us?

Silabus: Of course!

(Matsu's mechanics class)

Matsu: Man, with all those creepy girls out there we can't do anything…Still its better then becoming a Fangirl.

(Yata's card class)

Yata: Lost again….

Gaspard: Well…you did better…

Yata: Really?

Gaspard: No…

Class:…(are teacher sucks)…

(Siris' P.E. class)

Siris: (hiding in his office)

Class: SQUEEEEE!

-End Chapter 1-