.hack/Resident Fangirl…The Third!?

Part 4: Oh lord…

Zelos: Welcome to Tales of News. Antares has recently come down with liver failure. You see, it was actually so use to the huge amounts of booze intake, that with no more alcohol it…well failed. Here with me is my recently flat co-anker, Sheena.

Sheena: Well since the world went flat there have been thousands upon thousands of divorces as well as suicides. Fanboy city has collapsed with there precious cleavage mountain unable to support them…Personally I Think this is the best thing ever! I don't have to worry about any of the boys peeking on me when I'm in the shower.

(Somewhere else)

Collette: WHAT!

Lloyd: Busted…

(Back to the news…)

Zelos: But your smexy facto has dropped!

Sheena: Screw that!

Zelos: (sigh) Anyway authors are popping up everywhere, Zeffie is overthrowing Aura, the emo-nization is Atoli-izing people, and the avatars have a new music video…

Sheena: What the hell.

-Skeith vs. Kite take 2-

Skeith: HAHA! Behold! Now I have a scythe and floating swords of PWNAGE!

Kite: Oh yea! Well I have a nuclear missile!

Skeith:…what? (Nuked)

Kite: RENGEKI! DATA DRAIN!

Skeith: WTF! (Dissolves)

Kite: I PWN!

Cubia: (appears)

Kite:…Awe f-(censored)-ck.

Cubia: LOOK AT ME!

Kite: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

-The god of Critiques-

God of Critiques: You call this fanfiction a story! It's a piece of shit!

SeargentSousuke: Lord have mercy!

God of Critiques: No! You suck! All your work sucks!

SeargentSousuke: AHHHHH!

God of Critique: Now where is ChaosVirus?

ChaosVirus: (Hiding from the omnipotent)

Steeple333: Aren't we supposed to be trying to save fanfiction?

God of Critique: Not until I break all of your writing spirits!

DoubleStriker73: Then we will be leaving now.

TheChronologist: Right behind you!

-Emo-Nization-

Atoli: And that's our fifty-third brainwashing seminar! Who's up for emo-snacks, fruit snacks shaped like razors, knives, guns, and other things you can kill yourself with!

Emo people: ME ME ME!

Atoli: Hahaha! Sing my emo people sing!

Emo people: NOBODY EVER LOOKS AT ME! NOBODY EVER LOOKS AT ME! NOBODY EVER LOOKS AT ME!

Atoli: (Prods Matsu with a tazor rod)

Matus: GOT IT MEMORIZED!

Osehax: MY HEART BELONGS TO ME!

Atoli: HAHAHA! At this rate the world will belong to me, an emo galaxy! The world will belong to me and then…HASEO WILL LOOK AT ME!

-Kingdom Hax: Chain of stupidity-

Haseo: My memories are fading…

Kuhn: How big was Pi's cleavage?

Aina: I can't remember…

Nymphomaiax: HAHA! Your asses belong to me!

Kuhn: Okay!

Aina: Please be gentle.

Haseo: WHY! WHY AURA DO YOU CURSE ME LIKE THIS!

Nymphomaniax: Hmm, it's no fun unless they are unwilling, so I'll take leather boy here.

Haseo: Why me…

Kuhn: Yah, why you!

Aina: You hog too much Haseo!

Haseo: Have you two completely forgotten how much I want to kill myself when this happens too me!?

Kuhn: Yep.

Aina: Yah…

Haseo: AHH!

Nymphomaniax: Let's have some fun.

Pedophiliax: Ohh, a little girl. Come with me.

Aina: So this is how Haseo feels….KILL MEEEEE!

Kuhn: Wow…

Metrosexualx: Do you think this pink scythe goes with my pink hair?

Kuhn: Yah sure…

Aina: Metrosexual is pretty much closet gay…

Kuhn: SAVE ME, KILL ME, JUST GET ME AWAY FROM HERE!

Nymphmaniax: HAHAHA! We are the organized rape society! Welcome to castle oblivious!

Haseo: You're a nymphomaniac!

Nymphomaniax: Duh, captain obvious…

Kuhn: No wonder its called castle oblivious…

Haseo: When did you get here Kuhn?

Kuhn:…

Aina: Uhh, can someone save us before I end up the company of mister shield and child fetish.

Pedofiliax: Oh the innocence of youth! How I ADORE IT!

Aina: BROTHER! A MAN IS ABOUT TO RAPE ME!

-Gaspard and co-

Pi: I'M FIANALLY FREE OF MY RACK!

Yata: I still think you are one of a kind, and one print.

Pi: I love you too.

Gaspard: This is just wrong.

Silabus: It's just my style.

Sophora: This is a bad situation, zam.

Gaspard: (takes out x-ray brain analyzer and scans Yata)

Yata's brain: I love cards! I love cards! CardsPi! I love cards! I love cards! CardsPi! I love cards!

Gaspard:…okay…(points brain analyzer at Pi)

Pi's brain: LOOK AT ME YATA! LOOK AT ME!

Gaspard! Okay…

Silabus: Believe it!

Sophora: CHA!

Gaspard:…

Ovan: My brother senses…ARE TINGLING! SUPER SENTAI SILVER OVAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN! IS ON HIS WAY AINA! (Warps)

Gaspard:….(point's brain analyzer at Gabi)

Gabi's brain: So he is mine, and in such bloody distance
That every minute of his being thrusts
Against my near'st of life; and though I could
With barefaced power sweep him from my sight,
And bid by will avouch it, yet I must not,
For certain friends that are both his and mine,
Whose loves I may not drop, but wail his fall
Who I myself struck down.

Gaspard: Huh?

Gabi's brain: Huh! I mean I'm Gabi :D

Gaspard:….

-Castle Oblivious…Hey, You're reading this!-

Aina: Brother!

Ovan: AINA! (Signs Pedofiliax)

Aina: Ahh, brother is here (runs)

Ovan: GET BACK HERE AINA (chases)

Haseo:…Was that Ovan?

Kuhn: YES CAPATIN OBVIOUSE!

Nymphmanix: LET'S HAVE SOME FUN! YOU AN ME, I'LL LOVE YOU TO DEATH!

Haseo: You sound familiar.

Kuhn:….

Haseo: SOMEONE SAVE ME!

Kuhn: It's not happening…

-Kite meets Helba-

Kite: After beating Innis and handing Cubia's ass to it, we made it here to Net Slum.

Blackrose: Stop narrating you n00b!

Kite: Yes mam…

Helba: I am Helba, the principle of Net slum.

Kite: Ahh! School, the reason I play the world!

Blackrose: (knocks out Kite). Tell us how to awaken the coma victims!

Helba: All you have to do is beat the ultimate AI…

Blackrose: Doesn't sound too hard.

Helba: In a staring contest.

Blackrose: NOOOOOOOO!

Helba: Okay, now being serious for a moment.

Readers: HAHAHAHA…serious…

Helba: Hey, this fic can get very serious!

Reader:…..

Helba: 0H Y43H, 1'M DUH QU33N B33 0F H4CK36Z 4N0 W111 PWN Y0U 411 W17H 1337 SP33CH!

Reader:….

Aura: They know too much! Phases DATA DRAIN!

Reader: (in coma now)

Aura: MAGUS, GET THEM!

Magus: But…what's the point I life. Without boobs, I feel so empty…

Aura: DATA DRAIN THEM!

Magus: Yes mam!

-Authorz powerz-

SeargentSousuke: So, how the hell do we fix this?

ChaosVirus:…

Steeple333:…

DoubleStriker73:…

TheChronologist:…

SeargentSousuke:…what?

Authors: IT'S YOUR STORY!

SeargentSousuke: THAT'S RIGHT! Knowing me, the only way to fix this is to do something stupid, asinine, crazy, and all around idiotic to fix all this!

ChaosVirus:…Get Haseo to do it.

Steeple333: And don't forget to involve Endrance!

TheChronologist: And a girl scout cookie recipe!

DoubleStriker73: And make it embarrassing!

SeargentSousuke: But…I still don't have me author powers back…

ChaosVirus: Then we must unite what little power we have left! EARTH!

Steeple333: FIRE!

TheChronologist: WIND!

Double Striker73: WATER!

SeargentSousuke: SADISM!

Voice: When your power combines I am CAPTAIN FANFICTION!

Song: Captain Fanfiction, he's a hero. Gonna take grammar down to zero!

-Castle Oblivious…This is a .hack fanfiction-

Nymphomanax: (In a closet with Haseo…) HAHAHA!

Haseo: (Horace from yelling so much)

Metrosexualx: I'm not gay, I just act, look, and feel gay.

Kuhn: STAY AWAY FROM ME!

Ovan: GET BACK HERE AINA!

Aina: AHH! STUPID BIG BROTHER!

Haseo: How the heck do we beet these emo rapists!

Kuhn: With salad! (Pulls out a salad).

Metrosexualx: AHH SALAD (runs).

Nymphomaniax: AHHH (Runs)

Haseo:…That was just too random…

Kuhn: Don't argue with results.

-Kingdom Hax: Rebirth/Reverse-

Endrance: I'm…alive? How did I escape the Atoli ray?

Voice: I saved you, and you can sleep here, forever between straight and gay.

Endrance: I thought it was light and dark?

Voice: Oh, okay.

Endrance: Well I don't want to!

Voice: Then you must face I! Ass-hat, the seeker of porn!

Endrance: Obsessing over porn is one thing…but out right shouting it…

Ass-hat: Shut up! Fight me!

Endrance: Bewared…you don't like me when I'm mad!

Ass-hat: Oh yeah! Prove it!

Endrance:…I can't…

Ass-hat: I knew it!

Elk: Have no fear, Elk is here!

Endrance: My past self! But how?

Elk: We're parodying Kingdom Hearts, nothing is beyond us!

Endrance: Yah, but you're a pathetic wavemaster…

Elk: PHA-RAI-DON! (Fries ass-hat, and Endrance) You're such a pansy…

Endrance: Oh yeah, at least I don't grow up to be me!

Elk: At least I'm not you at the moment…

Endrance:…Touché…

Elk: Get the hell out of here you pansy…

Endrance:…

-Kingdom Hax: Chain of Stupidity-

Namili: You need to sleep in here to get back your memories.

Haseo: Who the hell are you?

Namili: I am a spoof of Namine. Take out the -ne, and add the –li from Atoli and you get my name.

Kuhn: So does that mean you're the opposite of Atoli?

Namili: Yes. I am not emo, do not shout things, don't fall for losers, and independent.

Haseo: I'M YOURS!

Namili: Screw you loser and hit the sack…

Haseo:…

Aina: MUST RUN AWAY FROM BROTHER (Jumps in flower tube thing)

-Pi and Yata-

Gaspard: That's it! I have had enough of watching Yata make and even bigger idiot of himself. Yata, look what I have…PIE!

Yata's brain: Pi…Pie…Pi…PIE! I LIKE PIE!

Yata: PIE!

Pi: What did you do to him?

Yata: I'm looking at you Pie…

Pi: Is that any better…

Gaspard: No…but it's funnier!

Silabus: I'm Silabus :)

Sophora: I'm Sophora :)

Gabi: I'm Gabi :)

Gaspard:…Anyway. Pi, this is it! I challenge you to a duel!

Pi: What kind of duel?

Gaspard: A card duel!

Pi: Why?

Gaspard: If you beat me, I'll leave and then you can have Yata all to yourself.

Pi: DEAL!

Gaspard: Do you even have a deck?

Pi: No…(Rushes over to the ruins of Fanboy city to get cards)

Gasprard:…(3…2…1…0) OMG, I'M MISSING OUT ON FREE CARDS!

Yata: I covet you Pie…

Gabi: I'm Gabi…

/INFECTED! Fidchell's prophasy-

Kite: (pwns Fidchell) Man, that was easy thanks to you Wiseman.

Wiseman: (eating Pi) I can't help myself for some reason.

Blackrose: n00b…

Fidchell: Like a frenzied Fangirl that is in heat. An unseen wind of plague squeas across the border. Pandemonium, wailing, and stench of carnage fills the air. There is no place to run. No hope of escape. Those who are mourned will never return. The paws of time cannot be turned back.

Kite:…Okay…

-Pi and Gaspard Duel-

Gaspard: I'm gonna win for sure! I play Dark Magician!

Pi: Brain control! Dark magician is mine! Celestial transformation! Summon and Tribute for Majestic Mech: Goryu! ATTACK!

Gaspard:…I lost?

Pi: That fast when you play with only 4000 LP. Now leave me alone.

Gaspard: I was beaten, usurped of my throne. I was bested…I finally found a match. PI I MUST HAVE YOU!

Pi: Drop 1200 tons and grow four feet before you ask me again…

-Back with Gabi-

Gabi: I'm Gabi :)

Silabus: I'm Silabus :)

Sophora: I'm Sophora :)

Yata: I'm Yata :)

Pi: What the heck?

Gabi: I'm Gabi :)

Pi: I'm Pi :)

-Emo-nization-

Atoli: Did we lose a member? Oh well. SING ME ME PEOPLE!

Emo people: NOBODY EVER LOOKS AT ME! NOBODY EVER LOOKS AT ME! NOBODY EVER LOOKS AT ME!

-Captain Fanfiction-

Kids: Crunchatize me captain!

Captain Fanfiction: Sorry, wrong guy. Do you know were I can find infected authors?

Kids: (point)

Infected Author: I know! Let's throw exploding penguins at the protagnoist!

Captain Fanfiction: AUTHOR DRAIN!

Infected Fangirl: NEED MORE BL!

Captain Fanfiction: Oh hell naw! FANGIRL DRAIN!

More infected people: NEED MORE (whatever)!

Captain Fanfiction: I have my work cut out for me…

-Saku and Bo-

Saku: Behold! I have the only rack in the world (trips).

Bo: You're not strong enouph to hande such a rack.

Saku: Am too! (trips)

Obiwan: Use the force!

Saku: Let's stay out of the star wars territory.

Bo: Why do I feel like the bubest thing ever is about to happen. And when I say that I'm talking about borderline south park.

Saku: I don't know.

Saku's left bosom: Don't listen to him.

Saku's right bosom: Kill him and abosrob his powerz.

Bo: I knew it…

-KINGDOM HAX 2-

Matsu: GOT IT MEMORIZED!

Osehax: Too many prods?

Matsu: Yah. Okay we're going to reenact the Axel vs. Roxas scene.

Osehax: (goes dual key-scythe)

Matsu:…MOTHER(cesored)ER. As if Roxas wasn't baddass enuph with two key blades! BUT THIS IS JUST OVER THE TOP PURE PWNAGE! I am so pwned…

Osehax: Yep. (pwns).

Matsu: The pain…nothing on earh can compare to this. (bricks rain on him)

Osehax: We havent done that gag in a while.

(The room with Haseo in flower thing)

Osehax: What the?

Taihaku: (wearing red bandages) You must become one with him!

Osehax: No, my heart belongs to me!

Taihaku: But Haseo lacks a heart for you to spawn from.

Osehax: Oh…Well…SCREW YOU!

Taihaku: No thanks.

Osehax: I want to be an individual! I refuse to go out like that pansy Roxas who just gave up! I'M ME!

Taihaku: WRONG! YOUR HIM! Now except absorption and become nothing like the good emo boy you are.

Osehax: Fine…

Taihaku: YAYZ!

-Emo-nization-

Alkaid: Superemo! Osehax has become one with Haseo and NOBODY EVER LOOKS AT ME!

Atoli: Oh well, Haseo will look at me yet!

Alkaid: NOBODY EVER LOOKS AT ME!

/INFECTED-

Kite: (fighting cubia) HOW THE HELL DO I FIGHT THIS THING!

Balmung: Attack the cubia core?

Blackrose: That's floating above your head.

Kite: Why does it show me in the fetal possision?

Blackrose: So that .hack fans would confuse cubia for azure kite in the gu games, duh…

Balmung: That makes sence.

Kite: Okay then.

Cubia: LOOK AT ME!

Kite: AHH! THE GLASS SHATTERING VOICE!

Balmung: HOW THE HECK!

Blackrose: AHHH!

Aura: I told you giving Cubia Atoli's voice would make it idestructable.

Morganna: According to thetimeline this is the second time they fight it. That means they beat it once already.

Aura: Shut up you old hag.

Morganna: WHY I OGHTA! If I had the phases back they would be all over your ass!

Aura: I'm calling child protective services! Threatening to rape me with phases.

Morganna: Wait, that didn't come out right!

Child protective cervices: Child protective services. We're is the mother.

Aura: (points to Morganna)

Morganna: DAMN YOU AURA!

Aura: Finally I'm rid of that hag.

Cubia: (beaten)

Aura: WHAT!

Kite: Tim to move on to the fifth phase!

Aura: I'm running out of phases.

-The world that cut itself-

Haseo: Wow, a few intermissions and we're already here!

Kuhn: That means we're almost over with this Kingdom Hx crack!

Aina: YAY!

Haseo: (Sees Osehax) Who are you?

(field changes to the top of some tower with Haseo on it)

Osehax: I will pwn you!

Haseo: Actually in KH2 this is just a scene.

Osehax: Two things. 1) This is not KH2. 2) We're actually spoofing KH2:FM+ We're Roxas is a boss fight…

Haseo: Oh shit…

Osehax: DUAL KEY-SYTHE BITCHES!

Haseo: Freaking basterd!

Bonus Chapter-Endrance meets his alternate VA personas!

Endrance: I finally made it out of castle obliviouse! But we're am I?

Lezard: That's a nice body.

Endrance: Thanks?

Lezard: Could be better! I have the perfect one somewere.

Endrance! (runs)

Chuck: Everyone around me dissapears!

Endrance: Who the hell are you?

Chuck: The most freaking badass Golem Hunter you'll ever meet!

Endrance:…Have fun. (runs)

Dist: Oh Jade, will I ever have you.

Endrance: I can relate. My Haseo wont admit our love.

Dist: I concur. So what if I tried to kill him a couple times.

Endrance:…(Runs)

Akihiko: I must get stronger.

Endrance: Why?

Akihiko: I have nothing better to do. I should be focusing on my school work but instead I spend my time training.

Endrance:…

Akihiko: (takes out a gun-ish looking thing ad points at self)

Endrance: EVERYONE HERE IS A FREAKING NUTJOB! (Runs)

Ingway:…

Endrance: What now…

Ingway: (Turns Endrance into a Pooka)

Bonus Chapter-The big whole in the sky

Random Player #1: Aweosme! We're getting screen time here! We're officially famous!

Random Player #2: That means I'm dating an idol!

Random Player #1: (Punches Random Player #2) No we're not.

Random Player #3: I'm guessing this is because of the giant whole in the sky.

Random Player #4: I like to stick things up my holes.

Random Player #3!

Random Player #1: Why is he here….why…

Random Player #2: To think we thought we escpaed hell…

Random Player #3: Actually, that might work. We can clog up the hole in the sky with something.

Random Player #1: What's that big?

Random Player #4: KATAMARI DAMASHI!

Random Player #2: What the f- (rolled into the Katamari)

Random Player #1: Freed- (rolled into the Katamari)

Random Player #3: I know wher this is going…(rolled into the Katamari)

Random Player #4: WHEE! (Rolling the Katamari…)

Bonus Chapter-Avatar Music Video

Skeith: Word up bitches! This is the avatar rap! Say hay!

Audience: HAY!

Skeith: SAY HO!

Audience: HO!

Skeith: SAY DATA!

Audience: DATA!

Skeith: SAY DRAIN!

Audience: DRAIN!

Skeith: Duh name is skeith! I put those sinigami punks from bleach in there place. I'm the true of death and duh master of duh mike! Cross me bitches and your ass is mine!

Innis: My name is Innis, it rymes with chillin. Look at me and I'll send you to the himalayaz. Don't look at me and I'll send you to the dentist!

Magus: Send duh hos to me, cause Im the master of the woman! Pimps got no name when I'm in town they become bitches!

Fidchell: Fidchell the name, player the game. See no evil, master of the ryme. Craps on the sidewalk, take all the bling. You aint seen nothing till you see me gleam!

Gorres: Representin the twinz, aint got a thing. The names is Gorre, let me hear you sing it!

Audience: GORRE! GORRE! GORRE! GORRE!

Gorres: That's my game.

Macha: Girlz gotta know one thing. Handel your man out on the scene. My name is Macha, I aint no grandma. Take an inch? I'll send you for a mile.

Tarvos:…

Corbenick: Master of birth, send you to the end. I'm duh master of the 411 scene. Corbenick, hear you scream. This is the song. Brothus and Sistus sing it!

Audience: (Applaud)

God of critiques: That was just awful. The only one of you that did remotely well was Tarvos.

Skeith: But she did nothin!

God of critiques: That's the point.

End Transmission-