A Really Small Nutshell

Hello, there. I am your narrator, and I am about to take you on the epic journey of the Lily and James story. Due to time constraints—and my own ADD—I have decided that the epic journey shall be condensed into... one chapter. And let's face it, the general version of the story isn't really too much more than that anyway, considering that each of the... say... 42 chapters that comprise The Lily and James Story are, on average, about three paragraphs long.

Now, to begin.

We will start with seventh year, as all true Lily and James Epics begin in seventh year. Except for some. But they would take at least two chapters to condense (since the first six years are usually rushed through in fifteen chapters, leaving the remaining forty to seventh year which is, let's face it, just more interesting). As I have mentioned, I have no intentions of carrying this on past one chapter: time constraints and ADD, remember.

The first word of our Lily and James epic is usually "Lily." That is to say: "Lily Evans woke..." "Lily Evans opened her eyes..." "Lily Evans let out a sigh..." "Lily screamed in irritation..." or "Lily! I missed you so much!" et cetera et cetera.

If, for whatever reason, the author opts not to begin the EPIC with summer holidays before seventh year, they may reject the "Lily", and commence their EPIC with the "'Potter!'" start. The exclamation mark is very, very important, and the context may be any of the following:

"Potter!" Lily Evans screamed.

"Potter!" shouted Lily Evans.

"Potter!" shrieked seventeen-year-old Lily Evans. (Useful, because not only does this sentence introduce our lead characters, but it also establishes that this—like a true EPIC JamesLily—begins in seventh year.)

Or else simply:

"POTTER!" (Notice the caps.)

Now that the story has begun, several things may happen. If the EPIC first shows us that Lily is at home for the summer holidays, we must establish that she is bored and lonely. This can be done in several ways. She could be writing in a diary that she is bored and lonely, because her friends are all visiting foreign countries (France, America, or Italy, to name a few options). The narration could tell us straight out that she is bored and lonely as in:

Lily was bored and lonely.

A sentence or two should be taken to explain away her many friends (foreign country, remember), but after that, they need not be mentioned again until The Platform scene, which we will discuss later. Right now, it is summer, and that means Petunia and her boorish fiancé Vernon are the most important non-Lily characters. Neither is allowed to have any personality. Petunia must say "freak" AT LEAST sixteen times during her first appearance, in order to fill the "Petunia says 'freak'" quota. No, I'm serious. This is VERY important.

Vernon does not really have to say anything. He must stand about looking like a whale (the use of 'whale' as a descriptive word is allowed and encouraged!), and if he has to make any verbalizations, grunts should suffice. He will either hit on or hate Lily (usually the latter), who will either wonder how her sister could marry this whale or privately reflect on how perfect they are for each other.

In addition to the Petunia-and-Vernon-verses-Lily scene, the summer sequence must include at least three: "I hate Potter!" or "Potter is such a git!" or "Potter is the bane of my existence!" Lily's mother must give her daughter at least two knowing looks, Lily must squeal over her Head Girl-ship at least once, she must receive a letter from her friends in foreign countries, and she must ponder about the Head Boy—a reverie which SHOULD end with the words "Probably Remus."

Now, we arrive at The Platform Scene. The two months of summer can be summed up in a chapter (or less), as the author is eager to reach chapter two, which may be entitled any of the following:

Platform Nine and Three Quarters

The Hogwarts Express

The Head Boy

The Marauders

Going Home


OC 1's Prank (for info on OC 1, see below).

This chapter is important, and the author is very eager to get to it, because it means the introduction of the author's favorite character: namely, OC 1. OC 1 is Lily's best friend and is inevitably destined to end up with Sirius at the end of the EPIC. Now, OC 1 is obviously the most perfect person in the EPIC. It is not ABSOLUTELY necessary that she be orphaned, but she must certainly not from a stable family background. That is FORBIDDEN. FORBIDDEN!

OC 1's looks will be described in great detail, as she "throws her arms around Lily's neck." This will happen in the first few lines of The Platform Scene. Her looks and personality will occupy a one third of the chapter, and will probably resemble what the author looks or wishes to look like. She is popular, and bubbly, and hyper, and "fiercely" loyal, and EASILY the best looking girl in her year. Sirius Black will be mentioned in her description, because OC 1 either hates, likes, or resemble him in personality.

OC 1 is also a complete slut, but it's okay, because she's in Gryffindor and Lily's best friend, and unhealthy, adolescent promiscuous sex is encouraged if it means that OC 1 may eventually hook up with Sirius Black. Yay promiscuous sex.

After describing OC 1, the author will remember that Lily needs to be described, for as of yet only her scarlet tresses have been mentioned. A paragraph is then dedicated to Lily's fiery-ness. There is a sixteen "mention of the word 'fiery'" quota in this chapter, and remember: RED HAIR EQUALS FIERY TEMPER. This if a scientific fact. Check wikipedia. All people with red hair have bad tempers, but not Lily. She has a fiery temper. This means she's a bitch, but it's okay because a, she's in Gryffindor, and b, she's the main character. Also, she'll be marginally less bitchy by the end of the story. Probably.

Once Lily is described, we can return for another paragraph of OC 1, before moving onto OC 2. OC 2 is OC 1's opposite. OC 2 has the opposite color hair of OC 1, which usually ends up being shoulder length dirty blonde. I don't know why, it just does. She has blue or brown eyes (no one but Lily may have green eyes... Lily has fiery green eyes) and a much simpler name than OC 1. She is quiet and bookish and shy, and the last sentence of her paragraph resembles: "OC 2 had a serious crush on Remus Lupin, but didn't have the nerve to tell him!" lyk omg.

Once the three main characters are established we may meet the Marauders.

Now, there are many common misconceptions about the Marauders. They are NOT, you see, normal adolescent boys. They certainly do not ACT like normal adolescent boys, probably because the author does not think about the characters long enough to realize that normal adolescent boys do not compulsively give each other baby names. But whatev. It's not important. The Marauders are not normal adolescent boys... in fact, the only similarity they have with the male sex at all is anatomy. They're all very hott. Except Peter. The author hates Peter (as she will inevitably inform you in a parenthetical A/N following his description).

The Marauder's descriptions do not really matter, as everyone knows how they look anyway. Some key words to use are: "hott", "very hott", "hottest in school", "a little less hott, but still hott", "not hot because he's a rat", "Quidditch-toned body" (which means "hott"), and "gorgeous pools of chocolate" which refers to James's hazel eyes. No need to mention the glasses.

Now that we have met the Marauders, they must encounter the girls. OC 1 and Sirius will flirt or fight or both. James will ask out Lily and Lily will shout at him in CAPS. Remus and OC 2 will blush furiously at each other.

If Alice is included as one of The Girls, she and Frank Longbottom will blush furiously at each other. Even if she is included though, she's not important, because she's already engaged/dating Frank, and the author doesn't feel like developing that relationship. So there.

Sirius and James will call each other ridiculously stupid nicknames like "Jamesie-poo" and "Paddsy" because, hell, these boys more closely resemble the twelve-year-old girls who wrote them this way than actual teenage boys. And Sirius must be really, really hyper. It doesn't matter why. Don't ask questions. Just write it that way. Everyone else does.

After the Marauder/Girls encounter, Lily will storm away to the Head Compartment, being the fiery-spirited Head Girl. In the Head compartment, she will encounter James, who is Head Boy, and she will fiery-ly yell at him (in CAPS) for no reason. He will shock her with his responsibility, and the last line of the chapter will be "maybe he has changed" in italics. So actually it is "Maybe he has changed." All the readers will go "awww" because it's so sweet. Except not really, because neither character has been anything remotely developed enough for a reader to genuinely care whether or not Lily and James get together. But, y'know, Rowling wrote it, so we're all kinda routing for it anyway.

The rest of the train ride after the Head meeting can be summed up in a sentence or two. Everybody is bored, and OC 1 with either partake in wild, promiscuous dressing-room sex with Sirius, or play a cruel and humiliating prank on Sirius. It will be a completely bitchy thing to do, but it's okay because OC 1 is a Gryffindor and Lily's best friend and a girl and hott. The chapter draws to a close as the Hogwarts Express reaches Hogwarts.

Chapter 3 is a filler chapter, maybe three or four paragraphs long, in which Lily will look curiously at the transfigured James, Snape will make his first appearance in a series of very short, non-essential appearances, the hat's song will be skipped, Sirius will continue to act like a thirteen-year-old girl, Remus and OC 2 will blush at each other EVEN MORE, and Dumbledore will speak in very un-Dumbledore-ish language. If the author remembers, the new Dark Arts teacher may be mentioned, but don't worry if you forget it. School doesn't really matter in this EPIC.

Chapter 4's title should be called something along the lines of: "Midnight Discussions," "Midnight Conversations," "Midnight Confessions," or—if the author is of a SUPER DUPER romantic disposition, something simple like: "I Love You." The use of the word "Midnight" is highly encouraged, though, because Lily and James will probably end up patrolling at midnight, or sitting up in the Astronomy tower at midnight, so as to create a romantic atmosphere for James to confess his love to Lily. Lily will, in this chapter, realize that she loves James (times-they-are-a-changing), but will be too afraid to tell him. She will probably run away, or, if say that she just 'can't' because of her boyfriend. The boyfriend doesn't really matter, because he'll cheat on Lily by the end of the next chapter. Still, he does deserve a name. Jonathon, Anthony, Christopher, and Michael are popular choices.

Meanwhile, Sirius and OC 1 fight or flirt, and Remus and OC 2 blush at each other. However, at this point, the author is getting sick of all the blushing, so they'll start going out in the next chapter.

Chapter 5 is "Hogsmeade Pt. 1." The Hogsmeade visit is very essential, as it is now that Lily discovers Jonathon Anthony Christopher Michael is cheating on her. The slag. Also, it gives Sirius and OC 1 a new background in which they can fight or flirt, and it is Remus and OC 2's first date. There is absolutely no reason for the Hogsmeade visit to be split into two chapters, because both are about six paragraphs long anyway, but you should split it up anyway. Hogsmeade Pt. 1 ends with Lily discovering her beloved Jonathon Anthony Christopher Michael in the arms of a slut. This is a bad slut, who is completely different from OC 1, because THIS slut is in Slytherin, and not Lily's best friend, and she's probably not even as hot as OC 1 either. The bitch.

Chapter 6 is "Hogsmeade Pt. 2" because the author is so GD tired of making up new titles. The cliffhanger of Chapter 5 (where she finds Jonathon Anthony Christopher Michael in the arms of Slytherin Slut) is resolved quickly, so that James can comfort Lily for the rest of the chapter. That's really sweet and all, but because of the heartache Lily now experiences, she is just too afraid to open up to James for at least another two really, really short chapters (when she agrees to go to the Christmas Ball with him).

The Christmas Ball is another two parter. The first part is just where the narrator describes the very muggle dresses that Lily, OC 1, and OC 2 wear. It's really boring, and all the meaty stuff is in Christmas Ball Pt. 2, where Lily and James fight, OC 1 and Sirius fight, and Remus and OC 2 blush. Peter should be mentioned in the chapter, because the author forgot about him since Chapter 2.

Once Lily and James's argument is resolved, they are happy together and cuddle a lot. Lily still yells, because she is, after all, fiery, and James still has the IQ of a two-year-old, but whatev. Sirius and OC 1 will angst it out for a few more chapters before hooking up again, and then someone mentions Voldemort. Except, they don't call him "Voldemort." They don't call him "You-Know-Who" either, because that's wussy. They call him "Voldy" or "Voldy-Poo" or... yeah, I can't even write anything more on that.

The EPIC will then be abandoned by the author for about a year, before resurrected and continued on EXACTLY THE SAME track or else canceled entirely.

Should the EPIC survive, Voldy is the subject of the next thirty or so chapters, and then Lily and James tearfully get married, OC 1 dies a brave death, OC 2 dies an almost-but-not-quite-as-brave death, and the EPIC ends. It has to end now, because OC 1 died, and... let's face it, the OC 1/Sirius romance was the only reason the author kept it going this long.

Anyway, story's over, and the author speculates if she should do a sequel, in which OC 1 comes back to life and teaches at Hogwarts. Several lengthy A/N's later, it really is over, and the readers can all go back to their lives. It's been real, guys!


Note: Now don't get me wrong: I LOVE JamesLily stories... even the ones with the two OCs who inevitably hook up with Sirius and Remus. I just think these things should be pointed out :-P. Oh, and my WIP is coming, I swear. Much love! Oh, and I own nothing...