TITLE: I'm Half The Man I used To Be (one of Stone Temple Pilot's song)

DISCLAIMER : I don't own Grey's Anatomy and there are quotes from the serie.

PAIRING : MerDer eventually, maybe hints of Burke and Cristina

It's my first Grey's Anatomy fic and i'm sorry, english is not my first language so feel free to tell me if there are mistakes, thanks.

There is an episode in which Derek admits that the failure of their marriage is not only Addison's fault but also his because he was absent and indifferent, that didn't happened yet.

Meredith and Derek are trying to be friends, Meredith almost forgave him for choosing Addison because she understands that it's a part of his personality.

Izzie didn't fall in love with Denny even if it's not really important and she never slept with George.

You'll see the rest as the story goes.

Derek Shepherd was standing awkwardly in front of the Seattle Grace Hospital. He knew that he had to go in, he had a surgery to do later and the rain was pouring but he couldn't seem to move. He hadn't slept well last night, he still had an headache and he was really starting to feel tired but actually, that was not the reason he did not want to go in. He had been so drunk the previous night that he had thought he was ready but in fact he was far from being ready to face his wife or the mess that was his life in general. He felt angry, hurt, betrayed, stupid, pathetic, sorry for himself... the list was long but there was a part of him that also thought he deserved to feel that way which made him feel even worse.

He had come up to a conclusion: he hated the man he had become since he had chosen to try again with his wife if someone could call it trying. He was hurting his wife even if right now it didn't sound so bad, she had hurt him a lot too by cheating on him. But he was also hurting Meredith, he had chosen his wife but he couldn't let her go and it was not fair to her. Plus, he was hurting himself too, but feeling as he felt, he didn't care about that fact, he had the feeling he deserved to feel every inch of pain. Anyway, his marriage had become or had been for the past few years a big joke even if the people concerned wouldn't admit it. He had to clear the mess he had created but right now, he still couldn't bring himself to move.

Time and time again, he could feel the stares of some of his co-workers who were rushing towards the entrance of the hospital, wondering what he was doing there, standing there in the rain, getting all soaked. He couldn't blame them, he knew he must be looking quite badt; he was wearing the same clothes as the previous day but his shirt lacked three buttons so it was slightly open and a part of his chest could be seen. Plus, that morning he had walked to the hospital and as of course it had been raining all along so he was completely drenched.

"Dr Shepherd, are you all right ?" a voice he recognised as Izzie Stevens' interrupted him from his thoughts.

"Yeah" he answered turning his head to face her, trying to smile as she kept looking at him sceptically. She noticed the state of his shirt and stared at it. "You should get inside, Dr Bailey wouldn't appreciate if you're late" he added hoping she would do as she was told, he was beginning to feel uncomfortable under her scrutiny.

"Aren't you coming?" She asked frowning and still not moving.

"Yeah, in a minute" he replied. He knew Izzie was the kind of person who cared a lot about others and he liked her for that but right now, he really needed her to let him drown in his sorrow and let him believe that it was all just a nightmare. She finally nodded and walked towards the entrance.

Izzie was sure something was wrong with Dr Shepherd. Since his wife had come back, everyone had noticed there had been a change in him, he didn't seem as happy as he was before but Izzie was positive, it was even worse today. Anyway, why did she care? He had broken his friend's heart in pieces, he deserved to suffer as well. But Meredith seemed to have forgiven him and they even seemed to be some kind of friends so she could care, it didn't mean she was a bad friend to Meredith. She headed towards the interns' locker and spotted the other four interns of her group who were talking as usually while waiting for Bailey.

"What's up with McDreamy?" She interrupted them. They all looked at her, not knowing what she meant so she added "He is standing in front of the hospital, in the rain. He must have been there for a long time, he is totally soaked. And his shirt..." She then looked at Meredith "You're friends, right? You know something ?"

Meredith was about to reply when Dr Bailey came in "Always gossiping I see, follow me!" Her five interns stopped their conversation and did as they were told. Still, Meredith thought about what Izzie had said and hoped Derek was fine. They now stood by the nurses' station across the entrance where Bailey was talking to a nurse.

Meredith tried to look casually towards the entrance but unluckily for her, she didn't go unnoticed.

"Looking for McDreamy?" Cristina mocked her.

"No.. no at all, I was just..." she stammered

"You really are a bad liar, Mer" Cristina rolled her eyes but then Meredith was no longer paying attention to her as Derek was entering the hospital.

Meredith's eyes grew wide at his sight, he really was totally soaked, his shirt looked as though it had been ripped open and she noticed he was wearing the same clothes as the day before. How pathetic was that? She must spend too much time observing him to know he was wearing the same clothes. As Izzie pointed her fingers towards him, the others interns noticed him too.

"He doesn't deserve to be called McDreamy today" laughed Cristina.

The first steps were the hardest to make for Derek, but now at least he was walking. He walked a little faster, sensing the looks on him. He had decided to cross the lobby and head towards his office without being noticed but it seemed as thought things never went as planned. He heard her yell his first name from upstairs, and from the sound of her heels, he could tell she was now going down the stairs to meet him. However, he did not turn around, he just kept walking, hoping she would understand and give up pursying him. As he heard her yell his name a second time, and still heard the sound of her heels, he knew that today, nothing would go as planned. Still, he kept walking, not caring that now more and more people were following them with their eyes. He couldn't deal with her now, it was too soon, the hurt was still too raw, he was too broken to hear whatever she had to say.

It then became impossible to ignore her as a loud, forceful "DEREK SHEPHERD " was heard through all the lobby and the activity in the hospital seemed to stop. She had stopped walking and Derek froze and replied "ADDISON MONTGOMERY"with an equally loud yell as he turned to face her. They were now looking at each other, so many emotions on their faces that it was impossible to read them.

"Do I have to remind you every single second that we are married?" She asked exasparated but without succeeding in hiding the hurt in her voice.

"You mentioning that is actually quite funny" he laughed bitterly "We will talk later", he dismissed her.

"Later?" she yelled "That's all I get? You're not going to yell at me? Call me names? Or I don't know...ignore me in an elevator ?"

"What do you want from me, Addison?" he managed to ask almost calmly.

" I want you to care! I sleep with your best friend and you walk away. He comes out here from New York and rubs it in your face, and still you get a good night's sleep. What do I have to do?"

Since she had begun to talk, the stance of Derek had hardened, his fist had clenched tightly, she had hardly finished talking when he yelled "Shut up!" he was now glaring at her furiously then his face softened a little when he added " I can't talk to you now, I can't even look at you. I look at you and I feel nauseous. "

"Wh..What?" Addison's voice showed that she was clearly taken aback, not only by his harsh words but by the fact that he had said the exact same thing the night he had caught her with Mark. Could it be possible that...? She stopped herself from thining about that, he couldn't know, it was simply impossible. But she had to tell him, not today but she knew she had to.

Derek didn't want that to happen now, they had to talk but now was the worst time ever, he could say things he would regret later and he didn't want that to happen. He still didn't know how he felt about what had happened the previous night, he needed time and space to think about it and of course Addison wasn't giving him either.

"Addison, give me a break, please" his voice, even to his own ears, sounded as if he was begging.

"No, Derek, I'm sick of waiting. Where were you last night?" she asked accusingly. "I waited for you THREE hours at the restaurant, you could have at least called or answered when I called you. Do you realise how humiliating it was for me?" she asked defeated.

"Don't talk to me about humiliation. You slept with my best friend. That was humiliating." he replied too calmly as if he didn't care but the look in his eyes showed clearly his pain and bitterness.

"What happened to you anyway?" Addison asked wanting to change subject and noticing how bad he looked.

"I don't want to talk to you" he dismissed her.

"Is it about her?" she continued

"About who?" Derek feigned he hadn't understood what she meant.

"Don't play dumb with me"

"I don't want to talk to you."

"I don't want to talk to you" she imitated him "You always say that. Derek, please. Haven't I paid enough? Is it even worth it? What are we doing? Look at me, that's not me. When did I become that woman who beg her husband?" Addison couldn't take his indifference any more.

Derek wanted to tell her : since you cheated on him but stopped himself. Derek knew at this point that there was no turning back, they would talk no matter how much he wanted to avoid it. He simply wanted them to go somewhere more private, everyone was now staring at them and he was really starting to feel uncomfortable.

"All right, meet me in my office in ten minutes" he said with the same defeated tone she had used.

"Oh no! Don't you dare do that! I want an answer now!" she almost shouted visibly losing her calm and knowing that once they would step inside on his office, he would dismiss her or tell her that nothing was wrong.. "I don't care that people are listening, anyway nothing in this hospital stays private, so please, just answer my question and be honest" she almost begged him.

Yesterday, the were supposed to have dinner together at 8pm but surprisingly Derek hadn't shown up and hadn't even called to excuse himself. She had called the hospital to be told that her husband had left the hospital at 7pm. She had called him all night but he hadn't answered. She wasn't stupid, she had seen how her husband acted around Meredith Grey and since he had told her that he had fallen in love with her, she had been sure something was still going on between the two of them.

"All right let's be honest." His voice didn't contain a bit of regret when he added "Last night, I drank too much, met a woman and had sex with her. What about you, Addison?" He looked straight into her eyes waiting for an answer.

He had said that in such a detached voice that it couldn't possibly have hurt more. His words stung in the air, had he really admitted he had cheated on her as if he was talking about the weather? Addison's face instantly broke at the coldness of his words, tears threatened to fall, and she tried her best to hold them back but she couldn't any more, it was just too much.

"You're crying now? You don't get to cry after what you did to me. So take responsibility for your acts for once in your life. What did you do last night? I want to hear you say it!" He nearly shouted.

Addison realised that he knew, she didn't know how but he knew. "I was going to tell you" Addison sobbed,.

"That's too easy, Addison. Do I look like I care? I just want you to say it. Come on, I'm all for honesty, say it, damn it!" He was becoming impatient.

"I had sex with Mark" she almost whispered, but the lobby had became so silent that it was easy to hear.

"Looks like my timing is still good as I walked on you again, lucky me." he said sarcastically.

"You...Why.."Addison couldn't find the words

"I didn't feel like interrupting as at least this time you had the courtesy to do it in his bed." He had guessed her question, he sighed before adding " If you still want to talk, meet me in my office in ten minutes." He didn't let her the time to reply as he turned around and resumed walking, not caring about the whispers on his way.

Addison couldn't bring herself to watch around her so she just walked fast towards her office. She wished it was a nightmare and she was going to wake up. Last night had been a terrible mistake, she had felt so alone, dejected but she hadn't wanted to make him suffer.

Dr Bailey and the five interns were still in front of the nurses' station. They had of course heard every single word of the argument.

"I told you something was wrong with him today." Izzie said.

"Even I feel sorry for the guy" added Cristina.

"That's hard" Alex confirmed.

Meredith was just staring into space, lost in her thoughts, George was about to comment when Bailey cut in "Rounds, people!" and muttered something which sounded like stupid before heading towards the patient's room.


In the next chapter,I 'll talk about what happened the previous night.