I stare at the gray sky above me, a sky devoid of color or warmth.
Is this a Sealed Reality, a space closed from outside interference?
No. I can see stars and the moon hiding behind wispy white clouds. Sealed Realities don't have those. Not that I'm an instant expert on Sealed Realities, given that I've only been in one.
Who's that? Haruhi?
"Welcome to the Like Hell I'm Dead Battlefront."
I stare at Haruhi. And then I gape at the object she expertly held.
It's a gun. A sniper rifle. The biggest one I've ever seen. And it looks real.
The most dangerous woman in the universe now has a gun.
Not Quite What I'd Expected
A Suzumiya Haruhi No Yuutsu Fan Fic
Sheo Darren does not own Haruhi-
*cuts scene to the pulped corpse of the Author's face in a pool of his own blood. Hovering over his rotting body is the surrealistic caricature of a pony-tailed blue-colored giantess that had once been Haruhi Suzumiya, once an immature magical girl contracted to an Incubator, now a matured slave to the wizard, having metamorphosed into one of the strongest Witches in all of the Multiverse*
-Dikeido owned him.
Dikeido: "Angenommen direkte Kontrolle."
Dreams, Near-Death Experiences, and Near-Kyon Experiences
This girl isn't Haruhi. For one thing, her hair is… glossy purple? And her irises are a startling sea-green instead of the imperious golden brown orbs I'm used to. She's also only got one hair decoration adorning her purple hair, and it's black instead of yellow. And her sailor uniform is also not the North High one. If anything, it seems even more fetishistic, with a dangerously short skirt.
Oh, great, I'm in another dimension. And I've gotten here without Koizumi's help. That must make me the slider of the SOS Brigade.
So much for being normal…
Not-Haruhi glanced over her shoulder. "This may sound sudden," she asked, "But will you enlist with us?"
Enlist? As in join the kaiju defense force?
She returns to manning -or is it womanning? Girling?- her sniper rifle. "The fact that you're here means you died."
What? I'm already dead? I don't remember getting stabbed in the belly or having my pressure points hit by a muscular martial artist with seven scars on his chest.
"This is the afterlife. If you don't do anything, you'll be erased."
By who? You?
"Of course not. By God."
And that's you.
Not-Haruhi glowers at me. She looks just as cute as a pouting Haruhi, come to think of it. It must be because they look and act so alike. Is she an expy?
"I'm not God," she told me. "I want to find and kill God."
That's called suicide in your case.
"Whatever. Anyway, join the Like Hell I'm Dead Battlefront. Well, the title changes a lot." And she rambled and ranted about the various iterations of the name of her take on the SOS Brigade.
Feeling my IQ dropping from growing overexposure to her fridge logic, I changed the subject by asking if what she's holding is a real gun. The girl sighs in irritation, a reaction which in my estimation made her less dangerous than Haruhi, in the way that a tigress is less dangerous than the more massive African lioness.
Haha, I made a crack about Haruhi's weight again.
"Everyone who comes here reacts like that. Try to be more flexible. Just accept things as they are."
You didn't answer my question. So what do you want me to do?
Finally, I got a straightforward answer out of you. So whom am I supposed to fight against?
"That." She gestured with her rifle. "That is the Battlefront's enemy. Angel."
Angel… looks like Hoshino Ruri from the Martian Successor Nadesico anime, if Ruri wore her hair loose instead of tying them up in those fluffy ponytails, and if she wore a parochial school uniform with a cream blazer and a dark brown skirt.
"I think I want to change the name again," Not-Haruhi mutters to herself. "Anyway, give my suggestion a thought," she told me.
Can I go over there?
She whirls on me. "What?" Now she's acting like Haruhi. "You make no sense!"
That's the pot calling the kettle black.
"Why would you do that? Are you an idiot?"
Ah! Your face! It's even closer than Koizumi's!
"Want to try dying?"
I gulp. She really is going to kill me, just like Haruhi! And her face is so close that we can almost kiss!
But then her expression turns dispassionate. "That is a joke you'll hear a lot in this world where you can't die. Well?" she presses. "Was it funny?"
It was my turn to sigh. I'll probably have a more sensible talk with your so-called angel than with someone who points guns at girls.
Her harrumph is so like Haruhi's. "I'm your ally," she grumbled. "If you tell me not to aim the gun at her, I won't. You can trust me."
Strangely enough, I do feel like I can trust her. Not as far as I can throw her, but further than I trust Haruhi. It's like she's a kindred spirit who, like me, has to put up with all sorts of stupidities from the people around her.
"Hey, Yurippe!" This came from a recently-arrived guy with electric blue hair. "How's the newbie recruitment going? We're short on hands, so do whatever it takes!"
Not-Haruhi –whose nickname is apparently Yurippe, a very cute name that distinguishes her even more from Haruhi- pressed her face into her palm.
I know what you feel about having a stupid nickname. Anyway, I'm going to talk to the angel instead. Maybe she can send me back to where I came from. So long and thanks for the fish.
"Argh!" Yurippe raged. "Recruitment failed!"
Still, she didn't try to stop me. That made her a little better than Haruhi. I was expecting a necktie choke to stop me in my tracks.
Wow. Up close, the so-called angel really looks like Hoshino Ruri. She's even tinier than Asahina-senpai or Nagato. It's like this girl is a delicate china doll that can move around on her own volition.
Brrr… Somehow the possibility of her being a Rozen Maiden scares me. Note to self: Do not call her Junk…
Excuse me. Um… Someone is aiming a gun at you. They said you were an angel or something, which to think of it sounds like a very bad pickup line.
Dang, but that Shaft head tilt she performs is the kind of sugary sweet cuteness that heralds the onset of hereditary diabetes.
"I'm not an angel," she says.
Her eyes are the color of glittering gold hidden within the pebbles of a shallow mountain stream. Her soft voice is perfectly suited for singing. In fact, her voice reminds me of Kana Hanazawa.
She is seriously cute. If she had a ponytail on, she'd be perfect.
I shake my head. Concentrate, Kyon, concentrate…
Geh, now I'm calling myself by that stupid nickname.
"It is a good name," she assured me.
No. No, it isn't. So who are you, exactly?
"I'm the student council president."
Face, meet palm. Yurippe really is an expy of Haruhi down to the delusions of grandeur. Good grief.
So where are we, student council president-chan? Oh, let me guess. Are we in another dimension?
"This is the afterlife," she replied.
Oh, I see. The afterlife, huh? So I got it right. I was the slider, after all. After all, the afterlife is sort of another dimension -
Wait, wait, wait. Wait a minute. What is this? No, wait. What's going on here? The afterlife? Hold on a sec. What did she say? This is the afterlife? Why? For what reason? And why does this spiel of mine feel so familiar?
I stare in disbelief at the self-proclaimed student council president. Her lack of facial expression could give Nagato a run for her money for Emotionless Girl of the Year Award. This girl doesn't blink or show the slightest sign of being fazed or funny.
At this very moment, the clouds decide to unveil the moon, bathing me and the so-called angel in beautiful but eerie white light.
Please stop joking around, student council president-chan. That was not funny.
"I am not making a joke," she told me with all seriousness.
If this is the afterlife, then that means I'm dead.
But people die when they are killed. You claim I'm dead, but I'm still talking and thinking and breathing. I can hear and feel my heart thumping in my chest. How can I be dead?
"You are already dead," she assured me.
Well, then, prove it. Show me proof that I am really dead.
She takes a shuffling step towards me. Her pretty head tilts forward so that her silvery bangs obscure her eyes.
"Guard Skill: Hand Sonic."
A sharp-looking blade materialized from where her slim wrist emerged from the cuff of her blouse's sleeve.
Oh, damn it. I ran into a yandere.
And that was when the student council president-chan, who claimed she wasn't an angel, stabbed me in the heart.
THAT IS CORRECT.
YOU WERE EXPECTING THE GOTH GIRL WITH THE NICE HAT? MY APOLOGIES, BUT TELEUTE IS IN CHARGE OF THE CESSATION OF LIFE IN SHEO DARREN'S PUELLA MAGI MADOKA MAGICA FAN FICTION. I AM THE ONE IN CHARGE IN HIS HARUHI SUZUMIYA FAN FICTION.
TRUST ME, YOU ARE BETTER OFF WITH ME THAN FIGHTING AN INVASION OF SUPERPOWERED ZOMBIES FROM SPACE.
YOU ARE HAVING A NEAR-DEATH EXPERIENCE. FOR MY PART, I AM UNDERGOING A NEAR-KYON EXPERIENCE.
THANK YOU. I HAVE BEEN WORKING ON MY SENSE OF HUMOR. I HOPE IT WILL HELP ME UNDERSTAND MY GRANDDAUGHTER BETTER.
OF COURSE YOU WILL DIE. EVERYONE DIES. EVEN IN 'NOBODY DIES.'
WORRY NOT. I HAVE A BOOK WITH ME. IT IS A VERY GOOD BOOK. I WILL JUST SIT HERE IN THIS COMFY CHAIR AND WAIT.
YES, YOU ARE FREE TO GO. UNLESS YOU WISH TO KEEP ME COMPANY? NO? IT IS ALL RIGHT. THEN THIS IS GOODBYE FOR NOW, KYON.
I THINK KYON IS A GOOD NAME.
It feels like someone had just banged my head against a hard surface.
Go away! I'm tired! Don't disturb my dreams, weird as they are with Haruhi who's not Haruhi but Yurippe and an angel who stabs me in the heart without provocation and a giant skeleton in a black robe who sounds like Christopher Lee!
Ouchers. The alarm clock hadn't even rung yet. Even if it had, I would have turned it off at once, and it was still some time before mom will send my sister to atomic elbow drop me in the belly.
"Wake up already."
Ouchest. No! I want to sleep some more. I don't have time for strange dreams.
"I said wake up! Can't you hear me?"
THUD THUD THUD
The pain finally forces me to open my eyes just enough to squint. The sight I behold snaps my eyes wide open.
Haruhi? Is that really you?
"Of course it's me! Are you still asleep?"
Sudden Zen inspiration hit me.
Have you ever had a dream, Haruhi, that you were sure were so real? What if you were unable to wake from that dream? How would you know the difference between the dream world and the real world?
"What? You're making absolutely no sense, Kyon. Did you get stabbed in the heart or have your head banged into the floor?"
Unfortunately, Haruhi can't be told what my dream is. She has to see it for herself.
Or not. Yurippe did say she wanted to kill God. Going by what everyone tells me, Haruhi is apparently God. If they meet, it will probably be like matter coming into contact with antimatter. It would be the end of the world as we know it.
"Do you know where this is?" Haruhi asked me as I sat up.
We're at North High, at the staircase ahead of the shoe lockers by the school entrance. It was night, the school's lights were out, and everything appeared gray-
No, something is wrong.
When I look outside the window, the night sky wasn't there. Just a wide gray horizon. A monotonous sky. There was no moon or stars, not even a single cloud. And the sky was as gray as the concrete walls.
I'm really in a Sealed Reality this time.
Earlier this day…
"Kyon! Quit staring at empty space! Get over here! We have stuff to do!"
Haruhi's energetic command was quickly defeated by an unexpected foe: the intense bombardment of the sun's photon rays, which made for a hellish afternoon PE session. Curse you, Okabe, curse you...
"Fan me, Kyon," she ordered.
Refused. I barely have enough energy to fan myself. I don't have any to spare for you.
Still draped on her desk, Haruhi muttered, "What do you think Mikuru-chan should wear next?"
Hmm, you've already dressed her up as a bunny girl and then a maid. How about a nurse outfit?
"A nurse sounds good..."
Entering stage right of my mind is the tiny figure of Asahina-senpai, blushing and moaning and wriggling helplessly as Haruhi strips her and then dresses her in an outfit that will make any hotblooded male go "Hello, Nurse." Ah, she's simply so adorable that she dazes me...
Wait a minute. There's going to be another costume? And I suggested it?
...I'm sorry, Asahina-senpai, I've been infected by Haruhi. Please endure this for me.
Haruhi scowled at me. Apparently she read my mind. She then lightly flipped her hair behind her ears, which would have been more effective a gesture had her hair been longer.
"You look like an idiot," she told me.
I can't really argue with her even though she started the topic since she may be right.
"I'm so bored!" Haruhi complained.
After classes end, I head straight to the club room, bearing her Imperial Majesty's command.
"Before I arrive at the club room, I forbid you from doing anything funny to Mikuru-chan."
So if you're there, Haruhi, it's perfectly okay to do anything funny to her? What a double standard...
I knock first and wait for the newest occupant to open it.
Hi… whatever your name is…
"Kiri. Kiri Komori."
Right. It's nice to see you again, hikkikomori-san. Can I go through this door?
"Please use the other door."
Okay… It's a sad day when a NEET displaces the main entrance of a clubroom.
Hey, wait a minute. When did the SOS Brigade clubroom get a second entrance? Did it always have another entrance? Did Haruhi change reality just like Koizumi always says she can? Or maybe Nagato did it?
I shake my head. Whatever… I need my daily dose of Asahina-senpai.
And there she was, the cutest maid in the world, seated on a chair like a life-sized doll, welcoming me with the brightest of smiles. Ah, she warms me so...
And if Asahina-senpai is my sun, then the nearby Nagato is a camellia blossom soaking up her daily dose of spring sunshine.
Argh, what kind of metaphors are these? It's like my lines are being written by a copywriter forced to take a second degree in business administration…
"I'll go and make tea."
I watch Asahina-senpai make tea from the comforts of the Commander's Chair. Remembering something, I turned on the computer and opened the MIKURU folder by typing in the password. My collection of pictures of Asahina-senpai unfolded before me like flower petals stroked by the sun's rays. I took a quick look at Asahina-senpai to make sure she's still busying herself with the tea before zooming into one of the images.
There, on her enticing left breast, sat a little black mark. I zoom in some more.
So that's the one…
"Did you find something?"
A quick Alt + F4 closed the image file. A follow-up click dismisses the folder. Asahina-senpai will see nothing for I am a smooth criminal.
"Huh, what's this? What's inside this MIKURU file?"
Oh, no! I was too careless! I should have given it a less suspicious name, like NAGATO or RYOKO or even HARUHI, but definitely not ITSUKO.
"Why does that file have my name? What's inside it? Let me see, c'mon! Let me see!"
Umm, these are not the droids you are looking for?
The most wonderful thing happened next. Asahina-senpai practically tried to crawl over my back and shoulder to get at the mouse. Her sweet scent wafts over my face, her cute laughter fills my head, and her body feels so soft on my back.
Asahina-san, can you please let me go...
"C'mon, just a peek!"
Ah… this is too much... I cannot resist this enticing advance any longer… I'm going to-
"What are you two doing?"
We froze. Really. The room's temperature suddenly dropped to Arctic levels. And considering that we don't have an air conditioner in the club room…
Haruhi glared at us as if I were assaulting Asahina-san even though it's technically the other way around and totally consensual.
Uh, that still came out wrong…
Asahina-san peeled herself off me and nervously backed away until she half-sat, half-dropped herself onto a folding chair. Her fair face was pale and she looked ready to burst into tears.
Letting out a harrumphing sound of dismissal, Haruhi strode over to where I occupied her desk and eyeballed me disapprovingly. "So," she asked, "You're interested in maid costumes?"
What do you mean by that?
She doesn't answer me. Instead, she muttered, "I'm going to change."
Suit yourself. I lifted the cup of tea that Asahina-san made for me to my lips.
"Didn't I say I need to change?" Haruhi growled.
"SO GET OUT!"
And the next thing I knew, I was sprawled across the cold floor of the corridor courtesy a boot (or rather, an indoor shoe) to my behind. The door behind me banged shut.
What the hell was that for!? It's a sad day, indeed, when a proper founding member is kicked out of the clubroom while a house spirit is allowed to blockade the main entrance!
Wait a minute. Something is rotten in the SOS Brigade clubroom… and it isn't Hikkikomori-san- err, Kiri Komori-san, since she looks like she bathes regularly…
Haruhi kicked me out of the club room so that she could change clothes.
Back in the classroom, she'd openly change clothes whether or not there were guys in the room. She considers guys on the same level as sacks of potatoes. Asakura has to chase all of us guys out of the room before the PE session bell rings.
But just now, she kicked me out. What's changed?
"Don't follow me! I mean it this time! I let you off the hook yesterday, but I won't forgive you if you push your luck today!"
"Please come in..."
Asahina-san's small voice coaxes me back inside the clubroom. I'm greeted by the welcome sight of the impeccable maid. Over her shoulder I can see Haruhi seated upon her Iron Throne with all the authoritative arrogance of a Jarl of a Hold in Skyrim.
She was wearing that bunny girl outfit, but without the cuffs or necktie or even stockings. She did keep the long bunny ears for some unknown reason.
"Though the arms and the back are a bit cool," she muttered while plucking at the front of her body-hugging costume, "this costume is actually quite tight."
And despite her complaints about the heat, Haruhi proceeded to drink the hot tea that Asahina-senpai made for her.
Both of her legs were resting on the table. The absence of stockings revealed immaculately smooth skin of surprising paleness. My gaze follows their length, from the curiously cute tips of her toes up to the soft yet strong thighs that emerge from the high cuts of the-
I swallow and avert my eyes. That way lies madness.
Hmm… on one hand, a maid. On the other hand, a bunny girl. On the third hand, a quiet bookstore type. On the fourth hand, a blanket-clad hikkikomori cutie.
1. Dress up girls in cute outfits.
2. Bring girls out to attract customers.
"Hello, what's this?" The ever-smiling Koizumi has just entered the clubroom. "I didn't know there was a cosplay party today. Then again-" And she gestured to her Koyouen High uniform. "I could say I'm always cosplaying."
Knock it off. Don't make things more complicated than they already are.
"Maybe I'll go Cool Biz, too." And Koizumi began popping the buttons of her blazer.
If more clothes than necessary come off, I'll sue you for sexual harassment.
"Mikuru-chan, you sit here." And Haruhi began combing Asahina-san's curly hair into a ponytail, the perfect image of an elder sister tending to her cute younger sister.
The blazer-less Koizumi sits herself beside me. She has a foxy expression on her pretty face as she leans her shoulder into my upper arm and looks up at me. "Shall we play a children's card game, Kyon-kun? This time for the world?"
So long as it's not strip poker, and we don't do it on motorcycles.
"That's a shame."
I quickly prove that Koizumi 'Railgun' Itsuko, the third most powerful Esper in the world, sucks at children's card games.
"Glowing white power explodes out of the tip of the suspiciously-specifically-denied-to-be-phallic magic wand brandished by your Dark Is Not Evil Magic User. The wave motion blast of pure white sweeps aside the unready defenses of my Pale-Scaled Mythical Flying Mythological Reptile With Cobalt Pupils and penetrates into the tender vitals..."
Trust Koizumi to make a children's card game sound dirty while maintaining an innocent smile.
"At this rate, I will be sent to the Shadow Realm..."
You mean a Sealed Reality.
Meanwhile, Haruhi continues to tie up the trembling Asahina-senpai's auburn locks into various hairdos, mostly ponytails, while Nagato's gaze remains lost within her shoujo manga.
And I ask myself: What are we here for?
"My name is Haruhi Suzumiya. I am not interested in any ordinary humans. If there are any aliens, time travelers, or espers among you, please come to me now."
That's right. We're here because of Haruhi Suzumiya, the girl who is putting her legs on display for me. She was the one who wanted to find for aliens, time travelers, and espers.
"…I believe that since there are so many people in this world, there has to be someone who is living an extraordinary, exciting life.
And you know what? She was right. Aliens, time travelers, and espers did exist. And she had gathered them in this mundane clubroom at an ordinary high school.
"But why isn't that person me?"
And yet she didn't know about. The girl who is the apparent center of the world as we know it, the girl who is allegedly God... Haruhi Suzumiya didn't know that the extraordinary people she was seeking were right in front of her.
The one who knew... the one who had to deal with aliens from a different dimension, time travelers from the future, blue giants, or shockers... the one who was going through her idea of fun... was me.
"So when I entered junior high, I decided to change myself. I wanted to let the world know that I'm not a girl who will only sit and wait. I believe I've tried my best. But everything is still the same. And now I'm in high school, still hoping for something to change."
But this afternoon, we did nothing special. We didn't create artificial data spaces, we didn't meet supersized Asahina-senpai from the future, and we didn't fire railguns at celestial beings.
Instead, we let the flow of time carry us at the idle pace of high school life. The Alien quietly pored through a shoujo manga. The Time Traveler was happily busying herself preparing a new batch of tea while wearing a frilly maid outfit. The Esper grinned at me even though her Skeleton Pirate Navy had been sunk by my Highly Conspicuous Ninja Clan. And God is a bunny girl slouching in a chair.
It was normal a day as could be.
To be honest, I should be unhappy with this. I am surrounded by the most amazing people in the world. A cast as wacky as this should be getting into hijinks every single day.
But then I realized that I was thinking too much. I remembered that I had so much time on my hands. I was only 15, after all. And with just that, I would once more be satisfied. I would look forward to tomorrow with new hope.
And besides, as totally normal as we are acting right now, this is one of the things that has made my high school life surprisingly satisfying. Sure, practically everyone in this room has harassed me, and the shocker girl in particular showed me that she could blast apart a blue giant in a gray world. But how was I sure that I had not imagined things? I could have been hypnotized or suffered hallucinations, like the mental illness that Haruhi claims falling in love is.
Haruhi... I am still sort of angry at her for forcing me to join her club. Yet it's thanks to her that I met such interesting people. I'm sure that other normal people like me would love to join this club if only they knew what went on.
Yet someone remained in the dark about this. And ironically, that person is the root of it all.
"Good afternoon, Suzumiya-san, Kyon-kun, Nagato, Koizumi-san, Asahina-senpai."
Standing at the open door of the SOS Brigade Clubroom, Asakura Ryoko smiled at us.
So began the end of the world as we know it.
To Be Continued
Author's Notes: My thanks to User 627, who shook me out of my years-long malaise to finally finish this long-dormant chapter.
The new anime featured here is Angel Beats! Death from the Discworld books also appears.
Now, please excuse me. I need to go utterly mad.
DEATH OF THE AUTHOR
Haruhi: "What the hell? Sheo! What's with the scene in the Disclaimer? Why'd I turn into an Eldritch Abomination? I thought I was God?!"
Madoka Kaname: "You were wrong. I'm God-" *smiles* "-Hahiru-san."
Haruhi: "What did you call me, you little pink-haired Witch-"
Sasaki: "But Kyouko and the others said I was God..."
Kyouko Sakura: "Are you daft? Everyone in the Anglican Church knows Morgan Freeman is God."
Index Librorum Prohibitorum: "Hear, hear!"
Misora Kasuga: "Blasphemy! Heresy! Alanis Morisette is God!"
Kyon: "...and this is why I'm atheistic..."
Gott ist tot. Gott bleibt tot ist. Und wir haben ihn getötet. Wie sollen wir trösten uns, die Mörder aller Mörder? Was war Heiligste und Mächtigste, was die Welt noch nicht gehört hat, hat verblutet unter unsern Messern: Wer wird dieses Blut von uns wischen? Welches Wasser ist für uns da, um uns zu reinigen? Was Festivals der Sühne, welche heiligen Spiele werden wir erfinden müssen? Ist nicht die Größe dieser Tat zu groß für uns? Müssen wir nicht selber zu Göttern werden, zu erscheinen würdig?
Hayate Yagami: "Did he just talk in Ancient Velkan?"
Garm One: "Belkans? Are those suspiciously similar substitutes to Nazi Germany planning to cause another forgotten war?"
Kyon: "Why are you getting so worked up about squirrels? It's just the 'God is dead' quote by Nietzsche that the Author ran through Google Translate to turn it into ominous Gratuitious German."
The Death of the Author. An author's intentions and biographical facts (the author's politics, religion, etc) should hold no weight when coming to an interpretation of his or her writing; that is, that a writer's interpretation of his own work is no more valid than the interpretations of any of the readers.
Haruhi: "...is he trying to sound cool and nihilistic by babbling nonsense?"
Kyon: "The Author hasn't been quite right in the head for quite a few months now. He even stole that entire paragraph from the TV Tropes entry of the same name."
Do you know there is no Hope in this world?
And Despair is the only truth I've got?
Yami no kirisaite~
Kyon: "And now he's cribbing lines from the song Spiral by Dustz, which served as the opening song of the Blood-C anime, the Best Comedy of 2012..."
HEADCHOMP OM NOM NOM MOGU MOGU
Mami Tomoe: "B-b-but I thought you liked me, Sheo? I thought you said you would be my friend! You promised me that we'd be together forever!"
Marimo Jinguuji: "How cruel! I thought you liked me after you said my ending in Muv-Luv Extra was the best even if it was a Bad End!"
Yui Takamura: "Stop resurrecting my trauma from my days as a wet-in-the-nose trainee witnessing the gory demise of my entire squad! Yuuya, I'm Jelly for you! Stop looking at the Scarlett Twins and Chinese Miku!"
Gretel Jeckeln: "Snap out of it, Comrades! That includes you, Comrade Author! Or else, by the authority bestowed upon me by the Party..." *puts on a Nice Hat and takes out a Makarov pistol* "...if you will not serve as a combatant on the front line, then you will serve as an example on the firing line!"
Horatio Caine: "Power corrupts. Absolute power corrupts absolutely. Unable to handle the thought of 'A God I am,' the fan fiction writer Sheo Darren went mad with the revelation. In short, you could say he has-" *puts on sunglasses* "-lost his head."
Kyon: "Flat What."
You are... all of you... garbage...
Maya Ibuki: *whirls in her chair* "Magi reports a Blood Pattern Blue! Sheo Darren has spontaneously transformed into a Cherubim like the ones found in Nobody Dies!"
Gendou Ikari: *hands tented in front of his face* "Just as planned. Send out... the Super Hero Squad..."
*and to the catchy theme of the cartoon*
Touma Kamijou: *raises his right fist* "That illusion of yours... I'm going to kill it!"
Shirou Emiya: *summons Unlimited Blade Works* "My whole life has been Unlimited Blade Works!"
Godou Kusanagi: *summons the [Sword] of spell words of the [Warrior] aspect of Verethragna a.k.a. Gate of Unlimited Golden Blade Works* "Fallen Author Sheo Darren! Your The Will and The Word is the authority usurped from the sorcerers of Belgariad and Malloreon!"
Issei Hyoudo: *invokes the Cardinal Crimson Promotion/True Crimson Dragon Emperor form of his Boosted Gear Scale Mail* "For Club President's tits!"
Shinji Ikari: *eyes glowing red as Unit-01 goes Cold Berserker* "GIVE. AYANAMI. BACK."
Yuuya Bridges: *raises the sword of Shiranui Type 2 TSF* "YAMATO DAMASHII!-!-!"
Kyon: *facepalms* "...what is this, I don't even-"
...And that was how the Mad Author, Sheo Darren, was killed in this Author Notes, forever ending any chance of his fics updating…
But that was a lie :P
RAGE AGAINST THE HEAVENS
Save the world by Overloading it with fun Suzumiya Haruhi Brigade
Like Hell I'm Dead Battlefront
"I've found you, God! Now I'm going to kill you!"
"Come and get some, you rip-off of me!"
Such is the latest snippet from the furious exchange between Haruhi Suzumiya and Yuri Nakamura. Of words, that is, as the two of them are yelling at each other from opposite sides of the battlefield while everyone else does the real fighting and (briefly) dying.
If you're wondering what this is all about, back when the Author was saner and nicer, he had hit upon the brilliant idea of engineering a Let's You And Him Fight scenario between Haruhi and Yuri. This he accomplished by merging the baseball episodes of Suzumiya Haruhi no Yuutsu Season 1 and Angel Beats! into a bonus story, which he will turn into a proper one-shot fan fiction in the uncertain future if 2012 doesn't prove to be Doomsday.
Yes. He came up with this when he was more sane.
Haruhi being Haruhi and, as I understand it from my partner here- what was your name again?
"Otonashi. Yuzuru Otonashi."
Thanks, Otonashi-kun. Well, apparently Yuri –whom I knew as Yurippe and, before that, Not-Haruhi at the beginning of this chapter– is even more evil than Haruhi, if you can believe it. So this bloodbath between the SOS Brigade and the Like Hell I'm Dead Battlefront was unavoidable.
Fortunately, considering the Author remains a relatively nice person despite his recent mental degeneration, this battle is Played For Laughs. The SOS Brigade is practically invincible and the Battlefront troopers cannot die even if they are killed. Thus, Hilarity Ensued.
"Naoi Ayato commands you… obey me!"
"TK changes… into… Angemon! Heaven's Knuckle!"
I mean, even Mori-san –she's a part of Koizumi's organization who pretends to be a maid- got into this fight. I still can't believe she's a ninja meido.
"I will show Kyon-san what I can do!" And she promised me this with a brief sideways glance and a blush.
Oh, no, Mori-san, not you, too…
"How shallow!" her rival ninja, a blue-haired girl who wears a long scarf a la Strider Hiryu, shoots back.
Mori-san's pretty face flares red. "D-don't call my first love shallow!" she snapped. "Rasengan!"
I'm surrounded by idiots, morons, and tsundere.
"Join the club," Otonashi groans.
Providing surprisingly apt background sound effects is a triple-threat Rock Off between ENOZ-
watashi tsuiteiku yo
donna tsurai sekai no yami no naka de sae
kitto anata wa kagayaite
koeru mirai no hate
yowasa yue ni tamashii kowasarenu you ni
my way kasanaru yo
ima futari ni God bless...
-Girls Dead Monster-
aruitekita michi furikaeru to
iya na koto bakkari demo uunzari da yo
fureru mono o kagayakashiteyuku
sonna michi o ikitekitakatta yo
Please don't say you are lazy!
Dake honto wa crazy!
-Hokago Tea Time, whoever they are. Oh, their lead singer just tripped on the microphone cable-
Cannot unsee blue-and-white stripes… or do I want to unsee?
The only sane men –me and Otonashi- are doing what we do best. That is, bleeding our guts out all over the ground while the culprits of our frustrated homicides are now reenacting the climactic knife-fight from the 1980s Dune movie, the one with Patrick Stewart as Gurney Halleck, where people blow up other people by yelling into wrist boxes.
"Guard Skill: Hand Sonic."
So, Otonashi, is Angel a yandere, too?
"No, Kyon, Kanade is a kuudere. And Asakura is a yangire, not a yandere."
Is there a difference?
"There is. Sheo made a mistake way back. He's only openly correcting it now."
I guess there is… Hey, even you call me by that stupid name?
"Baka," Hoshino Ruri herself mutters at us as she passes by. Then: "Kyon."
Good grief. We should have played with the Furukawa Bakery Team instead...