Gather around, gentle readers and I will share with you a story most extraordinary, a story of a mere girl of fourteen who finds herself in the possession of an ancient and mysterious gift, a gift only given to girls for some totally bizarre and unfair reason… But I digress.

This girl was special. Child of a noted musician, she had been raised in a magnificent palace adorned with the finest… adornments. Like those curtains, you think those are normal curtains? Nuh-uh! …But once more, I digress.

Ashley Davies, for that was our heroine's name, had everything. She had friends, family, a really cute boyfriend, and the full wealth of her mother's credit cards at her disposal. But, alas, her cherished life was about to crumble, for this sweet and… not-so-innocent girl was about to become… Slayer of the Vampyrs.

Her blessing! Her curse! Everything she knew would be sent tumbling upside-down, and side-ways, and in-between-ways. Relationships would crumble. Lives would be lost.

Gentle readers, I plea to you, if you are of the faint of heart, turn back now! For below this text lies a horrid tale of hatred, deceit, and of two lovers who find themselves thrust into a terrible war. Gentle readers, even I, your humble and devoted narrator, fear for their survival in this harsh, cold, vampyre-infested land we call L.A., California.

Our story begins on an ordinary summer's day. Dear Ashley was sitting on her couch reading fashion magazines like any other young girl… What? You said I could narrate. You said… Fine.

Hey there, world! This is Ashley. I thought I'd save you from Andrew's dorky monologue before you left this page from sheer boredom.

To clear things up, my father isn't some boring violin player wearing a dusty old wig. By 'noted musician', Andrew means Raife Davies. I know, I know, 'Wow, you're so lucky!' Meh.

Here's how it is, my dad's away all the time keeping up his career as a famous rock star. I'm lucky to see him maybe twice a year. While at home, mom ignores me most of the time because she's always trying to pick up some guy… Yeah, my parents are separated.

Not quite the fantasy life you imagined, is it?

Anyway, my life was basically normal, discounting the 'magnificent palace' of a house I grew up in, up until a few years ago when the previously mentioned dork decided to pay me a visit… Actually, no. It started a few months before that.

I had ditched class that day, and I was just hanging at the mall like a normal L.A. mallrat. I think I was looking for a new outfit to tease Marty with… Marty was my boyfriend. We'd been going out for a while.

So, I was in the dressing room, trying on the clothes… when it happened. What's 'it'? It was a… powerful sensation. It's like my whole body was filled with this fantastic red glow…

It started in my chest, like a pressure against my heart. It… it wasn't painful exactly… but it seemed like it should have been, if that makes any sense. From my chest, it spread throughout my body, tingling, and… and… God, I don't know how to describe it.

Even my first time with a girl would never compare. This was deeper, more intimate, somehow. It felt like I was connected to something, like I was a part of something greater, something innately feminine… Oh, get over it, Andrew.

Anyway, I was so overcome by this… sensation that I could barely stand. Legs wobbling, I fell down on the floor, bruising my knees. Standing was impossible with red lightning crackling over every nerve. And then… the energy… it's like it went inside me.

It sank… into my muscles, and into my bloodstream. It was gone, but it wasn't. It was there now, filling me with strength. I stood up, a strange confidence in me, and changed back into my clothes. I never did end up buying the outfit.

Still, my life stayed pretty much the same. I mean, sure I had this strange convulsion thing on the same day terrorists nuked Sunnydale, which freaked me out a good deal, I'll tell you, but I never told anyone about it and just tried to forget what happened. Who knows, I may have forgotten about it eventually, but fate intervened as it has a habit of doing.

As Andrew said, it was summer vacation and I was pretty much hanging around and doing nothing. The doorbell rang, and I went to answer it, expecting Marty. Instead, I saw this blond guy, might have been in his late teens, wearing tweed of all things and holding a pipe. "Hi, can I help you?" I asked, utterly bewildered by his appearance.

"Actually, I can help you," the guy exclaimed in a really fake British accent. "You are Ashley Davies, correct?"

"Um, yeah," I said. "Listen, whatever you're trying to sell, I'm not interested, okay?" I shut the door in his face before he could answer.

"No, wait!" he called muffled through the door, his fake accent lost. "This is about your destiny! The power you gained on the day Sunnydale collapsed!"

A bit startled, I pulled open the door a crack to regard the desperate-looking guy. "What do you know about it?" I asked, an eyebrow raised.

"I know that you experienced a joy once limited to a single girl per generation," he said with a note of awe in his voice, returning to the fake accent. "On that fateful day, you became a part of something… stronger. You, Ashley Davies, are now among the Chosen. You have been reborn… a Slayer of Vampyrs!"

I slammed the door shut, called the cops, and got him arrested.

Of course, I had no way of knowing that not only was he telling the truth, he was actually sane, if psychotically annoying. It did get me thinking, though. What if the glow wasn't a product of some nuclear-based poisoning? What if it was a gift, a miracle of some sort?

I decided to test out the range of my strength that night. After my mom went to bed, I walked into my room, shut the door, and approached my dresser. It was decently sized; I wouldn't think of trying to move it without emptying the drawers first.

I thought about the glow inside me. I felt like I could lift a whole skyscraper, let alone the dresser. Well, I thought, time to put it to the test.

I wrapped my hands around the edge of the dresser. Taking in a breath, I lifted with all my might. The dresser flew up with the force of a rocket. In my surprise, I dropped it, causing it to fall with a loud plunk.

Thunder boomed outside. There was no rain on the windows, though. Just the boring dry thunder of a Californian summer.

I shivered despite myself. This glow, it really gave me super strength. I began to wonder if there might actually be something to this 'Slayer of Vampires' thing.

I opened my laptop and Googled it, instantly getting thousands of hits. Most of it was clearly fiction, books or online role play. I tried again, using a new search term: "slayer of vampires" –fiction

This time, I got a collection of vampire sites referring to them as legendary creatures. I checked out the first link and scanned for the section I wanted. It looked like an interview with someone who claimed to be a vampire hunter, something that the interviewer seriously doubted.

PS: So, is there any truth to the claim that there is a magical slayer, of vampires cower before?

VH: (sighs) How many times must we tell you people? The slayer does not exist. She is but a myth created by the vampires themselves to explain their deaths. 'Surely the humans could never hope to defeat us,' they say, 'Sire was killed by a mystical warrior, not a measly hunter.' Honestly, now…

PS: We're running out of time, I'm afraid. One last question, Mr. Hartmann. Have you ever undergone psychiatric treatment?

After rereading the passage, I realized that 'slayer, of vampires cower before' was a typo. The transcriber probably meant 'slayer, of whom vampires cower before' instead. I hit the back button.

Well, one typo and a nutjob discouraged me a bit. I started to reconsider whether this search was worth my time.

I thought back to the kid who talked about it. He had seemed like a role player from one of these sites. His outfit, his fake accent, even the way he talked was like someone else. And who the hell calls vampires vahm-pie-ers?

I paused, considering. The kid really did seem like he was exaggerating a lot, but he did get the Sunnydale thing right. I decided to make another search, this time getting rid of the quotes around 'slayer of vampires' and adding 'sunnydale'.

Well, here we go, I thought. I hit search. This time, the sites I got seemed on the 'nutjob' order.

I clicked on the first link, called 'Demons, Demons, Demons'. This site seemed to be a database of all demons in recorded history. The weird part was that it was treating them as fact.

I looked at the vampire article, and quickly found the section I was looking for:

while the werewolf has not been kind to them, their greatest enemy arrives in the unexpected form of a teenaged girl, the Vampire Slayer. Often referred to as 'the Chosen One', the Slayer has existed for untold centuries, slaying vampires nightly and defending humanity from their evil. While the Slayer is mortal, she is blessed with extraordinary strength and after her death, another girl elsewhere in the world is transformed into the next Slayer.

UPDATE: Because of an unknown magical occurrence many have linked to the destruction of Sunnydale, the Slayer laws have been irreparably altered. Now any and all girls capable of playing host to the Slayer magic have ascended to a powerful state. Vampires of the world, beware!

Ah, what wonders our dear Ashley discovers. The wide world was soon to be at her fingertips, for her destiny was revealed to her on this night. But, poor Ashley. Danger abounded, and I, her faithful Watcher(-in-training) was nowhere to be found.

Indeed, it wounds my heart to think of the horrific events young Ashley will face in our tale to come. However, this is my laptop and your faithful, but busy, narrator must return to writing his Harry/Draco fanfiction. Good day, dear readers, and fare well.