Category: Harry Potter
Warnings: Sirius/Remus/James three way (I know, weird right?), cutting, abortion, Mpreg, mature mental themes, and implications to sex between boys.
Summary: James admires how strong Sirius and Remus are, Remus struggles with feelings and doubt, and Sirius just wants to be comforted.
Notes: I have recently started reading some James/Remus and I think it is starting to be a favorite of mine (never going to top the pups pairing though!) and along with that is the three-way between these guys. I'm a shameless slash fangirl, so sue me! This fanfic deals with cutting, THREE boys in ONE relationship, abortion (Mpreg goes with this), mature mental themes, and abuse/neglect.
Gaspeth! A one-shot!
James had often caught Remus staring at his scars in front of the bathroom mirror when he thought no one was looking. James always saw the look of self loathing in those deep pools of amber, and yet he couldn't think of a time when the young werewolf was more beautiful. It was hard, James would think, sneaking away after losing his nerve to confront Remus during those times; it was hard to know that Remus would probably never trust him enough.
Remus always smiled though. He would smile at James and at Sirius when they looked at him, or sought comfort with him. He would smile. He would laugh, reminding them how ridiculous their issues were from the very beginning. Because really, who could compare? Not getting that new broom or fighting with your parents again always lost compared to being a werewolf. So, James would lay his head on Remus' lap, apologizing for his stupidity (Remus was the only one he apologized to), and Sirius would put the werewolf in his lap, also guilty.
James just never had the courage that Remus and Sirius had, not really. His fans always fawned over his brilliance, always admiring his looks and his skills on the Quidditch field. James almost laughed at them, when he gazed at the boys and girls. If only they knew how weak I really am he would think, just as Remus and Sirius would come to greet him, one from the stands and the other from the locker room. He would smile at them then, just like Remus, and the three would make their way to dinner.
James would listen though, he was great at that. Sirius would often come to the dorms late, staggering in half drunk from alcohol, half from sorrow. Remus would be fast asleep, oblivious to Sirius' suffering, and James knew that was how Sirius wanted it. The black haired boy would crawl to James' bed, sitting with his back to the headboard, and idly stroking James' hair. The messy haired boy knew it was comforting for the other, so he allowed it, even when he was trying to sleep.
Sirius never cried, not in front of others at least. He would save it for when he was alone, so he could have strength to laugh with his friends another day. Sirius, only for James and Remus, would go to comfort; ignoring his own troubles for that moment he could settle their own doubts and fears. And James…well, he was only good at listening.
Sirius fumed alone, and Remus bottled, so his listening skills were never needed, not ever. Often, when they would cuddle together on one their beds, Remus would talk for the sake of talking. He never spoke about his troubles, never, and during these sessions Remus would gaze at him, as if begging him to ask what's wrong.
James didn't have the courage.
It was in these moments of self doubt and conflict that he would go to Sirius or Remus, whoever was there, and talk about what had happened. He never spoke about Evans when it was just the three of them, or one on one. No, they all agreed to keep appearances in front of other students only. Sirius flirts with the women, James loves Lily, and Remus is the bookworm. They acted their parts, and all was well with the Marauders again.
He still couldn't understand his lovers though. How was Remus able to keep it all within him? And for that matter, how was Sirius able to only vent alone? James was raised in a great environment; loving parents, pureblood and sort of spoiled because of the only child status, but he was raised to always tell people what was troubling him.
James didn't know how Remus was raised, but he knew that Sirius was horribly abused. This was why James was only patient with Sirius. He knew that if the eldest Black child spoke out of line, he'd be whipped, and thus he trained his instincts and his mind to only trust himself. James knew this, and James understood, but he still didn't like it.
Sirius was his best friend and his lover, and James was worried about him. Sirius was very limited on how far he opened up to people, so that James at least knew it wasn't just him. He was selfishly relieved when these thoughts entered him mind, and he would beat himself up for those thoughts too.
Well, James grumbled, where Sirius was just limited, Remus' feelings were off limits. The young lycanthrope would avoid the subject of feelings and troubles like the plague, often just up and leaving rudely if it got too deep. James knew as well, how coldly Remus could be, when pushed past his comfort zone. It was hard to be friends with a werewolf, but James had swallowed that pill when he promised to always be there for Remus.
Remus…he was still a mystery to everyone, including Sirius, himself, and Peter. He was powerful too, and James had a feeling that it wasn't only from being a werewolf, but from pure, raw talent. James had only seen him lose control once, and that was when Sirius had played the 'Forbidden Prank' (as dubbed now). Remus' eyes…James would never be able to forget that, no matter what.
His eyes had turned deep yellow, eerily so, and Sirius had backed down then. The older had allowed the sandy haired boy to hit him repeatedly, and to choke him. Sirius had been unconscious for a week, but when he woke up; he held nothing but guilt towards Remus. James had watched their exchange from the sidelines, which was rare for him, but this time necessary. During that week, he had consoled Remus when he broke down and cried, sobbing about his loss of control and how he could have killed Sirius.
James had listened then, and it was the first time in their seven years of friendship where that skill was needed. He listened to Peter a lot though, but that never held significance to him. He loved Peter like a brother, like a Marauder, but it was always different with him than with the pups. James smiled almost sadly whenever he saw the pained looks on his lover's faces. They were hurting, but they always pushed it aside for one another.
They had an unbeatable strength, a strength James couldn't even compare to, not with all the Quidditch training in the world.
James sighed, slumping further into the couch by the fire, shaking his head from those depressing thoughts. He glanced around him, noting for once that the common room was empty and probably had been for a while now. He straitened his glasses, ruffled his hair then sat back down to think again.
The dying fire reflected almost serenely in his hazel eyes as he gazed at the withering flames. The Quidditch star sighed, rubbing the back of his again. It was the opening of the portrait that caught him off guard. He stared; sighing almost to himself again as Sirius stumbled through, almost falling flat on his face.
"So that's where you've been, eh Padfoot?" James asked, getting up from his spot to help his friend over to take a seat. Sirius clung to him tightly, more drunk than he usually was. I wonder if the alcohol or the sadness dominates tonight, James thought suddenly, setting Sirius down in a chair near the fire.
"'ello mate," Sirius said wistfully, staring at the fire. "I 'ad a great time in the kit'ens." James lent forward, Sirius' hand immediately going to rub his hair. The messy haired boy's eyes slipped close, allowing his head to fall on Sirius' lap.
"What has you drunk this time love?" James asked. His tone was harsh, but the affectionate term at the end loosened the strain of it a little.
"I got a letter," Sirius whispered, and James noticed how coherent he was. "My mum set my bed on fire, 'cause she found pictures of you and Rem…" James looked up as something dripped onto his cheek, and he noticed that Sirius was looking at him, his sharp steel eyes completely drowning in liquid.
"Those were the only ones I 'ad Jamie," Sirius whispered, "those were the only ones where Rem smiles. Now 'hey're ruined." James reached his hand up, palm stroking Sirius' wet cheek softly.
"Remus will smile again, don't worry, and you'll be there to capture the moment, like those other times," James reassured. Sirius sobbed, bringing his head down so their foreheads were touching.
"'m so weak Jamie," Sirius cried softly. "I 'ate crying, but I can't 'elp it." James reached forward, brushing his lips against Sirius' tenderly. The slightly shorter boy reacted hungrily, pulling James forward roughly, pinning him to the couch. James gasped, immediately breaking the kiss to stop Sirius' roaming hands.
"Don't do that Padfoot, not here when you're like this," he warned, ready to hex him if he had to. Sirius collapsed on top of him, letting go of the shirt he had been previously working on and inched forward, so their faces were together.
"'m so tired," Sirius mumbled, his eyes becoming unfocused again. "Remmie, I wanna see Remmie smile again."
"You will, Sirius, you will," James assured.
"'emus never smiles," Sirius mumbled again, obviously trying to stay awake. "'emus never smiles, and we never laugh."
James looked startled, peering into Sirius' shut eyes, their faces so close. He opened his mouth to say something in defense to that last comment, but everything died when he noticed how peaceful Sirius looked in his sleep, so innocent and carefree for once in his life. James felt the retort bubble down quickly, and he placed a discreet kiss to the top of the other boys head, smiling.
It is true though, what Sirius said.
He never laughed, not really, not anymore, and neither did Sirius for that matter. Maybe because James didn't laugh, Remus didn't smile. James suddenly seemed to stop moving, as if he had reached an epiphany. He grinned to himself after a moment or so and ran his fingers through Sirius' sleek black hair. He would make an effort to laugh, and maybe Remus would finally smile.
James smiled to himself. He was good at listening, and he was definitely good at comforting when the time came. It didn't matter if his two lovers never relied on him, but he would wait patiently for the rare chance that they actually would. And he would help them, without a doubt.
So, the next morning when James woke up in his bed, he shot up, confused and blinking, trying to gain his bearings. He fumbled for his glasses, Remus' blurry figure suddenly seeming to appear at the foot of his bed. The young werewolf put a finger to his lips and pointed to Sirius' bed, where he recognized the bundled lump. His hazel eyes regarded Remus again, and James finally registered that Remus was smiling at him.
A real smile. And he couldn't help but smile back, broadly, and laughing out loud.
When Sirius would come back half drunk on alcohol and sorrow, Remus would carry him back to bed when James had fallen asleep. Except this night, James had the feeling Remus didn't mind the extra burden last night, judging by how his normally stormy amber eyes seemed to twinkle with delight.
It was usually in classes that Remus took his time to contemplate everything and everyone around him. He took notes, yes that was true, but his mind would always wander. He was naturally cautious by nature due to hiding what he truly was twenty four/seven. He got used to it though.
After he was bitten, his mother, a muggle, had been devastated. She had already found distrust with the wizarding world, with the way they treated muggles, she often said, but now that her son was a beast, she downright feared wizards. His father would often try and convince everything would be okay, but she only shook her head and smiled that soft smile of hers.
Remus learned to smile from her.
He also picked up her habit to doubt everything and everyone around himself. After a couple months, when he had turned six, Remus found himself, for the first time, actually thinking about his status in the world. He was a monster, plain and simple, something people feared and tried to kill. He had nothing to live for, nothing except just living for the sake of living.
When he had been accepted into Hogwarts, having personally received the letter from Albus Dumbledore, he was happy, true, but very cautious. At the school, he would always have to be on guard, always push people away and never let anyone see what he was truly like on the inside.
Remus knew he was rotten to the core. When Sirius and James would talk about pranking the Slytherins or teachers, he'd always have this sick sense of happiness at the thought of their frowning faces. He loved it when people were angry with him, because he knows it further proves that he had been right all along. He was a beast with a fucked up personality.
That was why, in first year, he had been surprised to find that none of these dark emotions or feelings welled up when he first spoke to James Potter and Sirius Black. Remus had taken a step back then, allowed them to worm their wicked ways into his heart and just stay there. He still finds that he can not fight those two, not really. For the first time he had friends that the wolf, that Moony, actually liked and trusted.
Yes, Moony had screwed him over again in his fifth year. Remus had been horrified to learn that they actually became animangus for him, but beyond that, he was pissed at them and himself. He had failed again to keep them away, to protect them from what he really was, and yet he was angry at them for still trying.
Moony had set his eyes on the prize that night. Two mates meant more of a chance to reproduce and have pups. Remus had felt like crying that morning after, because he knew now he had no choice but to mark them or Moony would be a serious danger to him out of frustration.
Remus had bottled it though. I'd rather die, I've been waiting for an excuse anyway, he had told himself, and continued to laugh and smile with James and Sirius as they carried out their pranks. He was willing to take it to the grave, and he was thankful for this eternal release anyway, but a night with too much firewhiskey had done him in.
He had not only told them the truth, but his muddled mind had let the barrier down around Moony, and the wolf took complete control. That night was sticky (in more ways than one) and Remus had woken up that morning with a hangover and a lot of limbs tangled with his.
Peter had accepted them for who they were, but Remus thought it a nightmare. James and Sirius also accepted it, and Remus didn't have the heart to tell them that it was a fluke, that Moony was horny. He even kept it a secret that he had become pregnant as well.
It didn't take much though to get rid of the child, just a quick scuffle with the Slytherins and few well aimed punches. Remus doubted Sirius would be pleased with the fact that Remus had killed his child. Oh yes, he knew it was Sirius', he could smell it, but he knew the other wasn't ready for a baby, just like him.
He had his doubts. Would Sirius and James stick by him if they knew he was a murderer? No, definitely not, and that was why he had to keep it a secret.
Remus often got frustrated when these thoughts came into hour long brooding sessions, because he would often wonder why he cared if Sirius or James would push him away. This was what he had wanted anyway, to be left alone, guarded and never bothered, yet here he was keeping secrets that held the power to break everything apart. Just a slip of the tongue and Remus wouldn't have to worry anymore.
But…he loved them. He honestly loved the both of them. Moony's influence on his feelings for them may have started it, but he ended up finishing it. Remus was amazed when he came to enjoy those times they were all together. When they would lie together he always found himself begging James to ask him what was wrong.
The older one never did, but Remus had a feeling he knew why. James was good at listening, but the other boy just wasn't ready to learn what could be behind his friend's masks. Remus comforted, that was his duty in the small group of three, and Sirius was to simply exist, to be there.
Remus would often carry Sirius to bed, hefting him up into his arms and deposit him softly onto the boy's own bed. Remus had no idea why Sirius always chose to go to James when he had too much to drink, but he would just let it go, tucking him in instead. Remus wondered sometimes if Sirius simply loved James more, and vise versa.
Remus would get nervous then, and try to get as much of their attention as he could in those following days. In those days he's always rewarded with sneaky kisses and gentle touches. Sirius would always capture his smiles on those days, and Remus still had no clue why. Maybe the other was just as insecure as him? Maybe James was also that way, but hid it behind his fans and his Quidditch.
Remus hated that sport. His two lovers, James a Chaser and Sirius a Beater, would be knocked off at least some point in every game, giving Remus a heart attack. Would they leave him through death? Was that how they were meant to be broken apart after all? It was in these moments that Remus would cry, silently and in secret. Peter never had a clue when he would just up and leave the stands to go be alone for a few minutes to collect himself.
But in exchange for the matches he was forced to suffer through, Sirius and James would have to go to the library with him on those days. He could sit in there for hours, the quiet atmosphere soothing to his nerves. He wasn't sure if James or even Sirius understood his need to go to library on game days, but he knew they didn't like it very much.
They would go to dinner sullen on those days, but the next mornings they would all be chipper again, maybe even more so than the day before. Remus always woke up two hours before sunrise, and go look at his body in front of the bathroom mirror. He would trace his scars; spend hours trying to place them with a time and place. Not all of them were from Moony, no, actually very few.
Remus had a fascination with blood and pain, and this was a nasty habit he would always keep quiet about. He would take a knife and cut himself deeply, for every worry he felt the previous day. Sometimes he would cut so deep that the blood would keep coming, and he had to force himself to stop, else he passes out.
Remus knew that James would sometimes wake up, maybe to go to the bathroom, but he would only catch Remus simply staring and nothing more. It surprises the werewolf that the other simply doesn't ask what's wrong, but another part of him is incredibly grateful for it as well. He's not ready to face his problems with James and Sirius, just as Sirius isn't ready with his, and James isn't ready to understand.
These things took time, and with those thoughts, Remus would set the blade down to wait another day, and go to shower, washing his secrets down the drain. He knew Sirius and James always showered together, and he had a feeling they have had sex during those sessions too, but it didn't bother him or Moony.
In fact, Moony is constantly pleased that his mates are happy as well, and often settles down when he smells their sweat and semen. Remus just is relieved that they can find pleasure in themselves, leaving him out so he won't force himself to please them. He isn't ready for sex, even though they had already done it.
But that didn't count, because he had been out of his mind (literally since Moony completely took over his mind).
Sometimes though, Remus would just stare at Sirius, watch as the taller boy flirted with the other girls, always curious how he was able to keep with the lie. Sirius had no problem with lying, and he was well practiced, Remus often noted. It made the young lycanthrope wonder how often he had to lie in front of parents to avoid a whipping. But…he was getting better, Remus would think, because he had run away during the summer before seventh year, their current year. The werewolf would get jealous sometimes, when he would think about Sirius' choice of shelter.
Sometimes, it was all James to Sirius, but sometimes it was all him.
Sirius was good at dividing his attention, so he could please both of them without the other getting lonely. James was only good at one at a time, and Remus just didn't even try. He figured that the other two would take care of things, and he's right, they always did.
As Sirius was frisky, Remus was very lethargic. They're personalities often clashed, especially when Sirius wanted attention and Remus only wanted to sit in front of the fire and read. During these times, James would end up pleasing Sirius, and Remus was grateful for that, because later on, the messy haired boy and he would have their private moments.
It amused Remus to no end how James always spoke with him. It was a very cautious prodding, to get him to open up and Remus would sometimes think James really was ready to listen.
Then James would make a dumb comment, and the moment would pass with a laugh.
Remus always took walks after their conversations, and he would always pace on the third floor corridor. He found it relaxing, but not only that, there he could find plenty of Slytherins to pick fun at. Of course, his subtle baiting would always be noticed as they would attack him.
He would beat the crap out of them, release his frustrations, and feel immensely better staring at their unconscious forms. He got detention for those too, but most he got off with a self defense plea. Dumbledore would always listen to him, and Remus would fake worry and fright, shaky and close to tears.
He knew on those nights that when he would enter the near empty common room Sirius and James would coddle him, and comfort him from the "frightening" run in with the Slytherins. Remus enjoyed the attention, and often milked the situation so he would get extra attention that night with a couple tears.
After that, he would begin to hate himself again. Who was he to use those people -the Slytherin's for frustration release, and his lovers for comfort and coddling? It annoyed him immensely how conflicted he was, and that just made him even angrier. He hated hypocrites, yet he was one. He hated people who were conflicted, people who couldn't decide to go right or left, and yet he was one of them.
He still didn't know whether to love or push his boyfriends away.
Where Sirius was always ready to jump into action, James gave things a little thought before going in. Remus, well, he didn't like to jump into anything if he could just work it out. This didn't mean physical battles, he loved those, but it was more mental ones. He had never liked confronting himself, so he always ran away.
Sirius, the slippery one, has always been able to avoid the topic of feelings. Remus has had practice too, and so they both often found each other in these aspects and gave each other comfort. Sirius had told him a lot of things, and Remus, in return, had offered him anything behind his comfort zone. Sirius confided in Remus about his home life, and Remus told him that he had a problem with cutting.
Remus was never willing to go beyond that, but he had a feeling Sirius was okay with that…for now.
James on the other hand, Remus knew he couldn't avoid him forever. The boy would be getting frustrated now, and Remus didn't want his mate to be angry with him. James, Remus noticed, is very picky about times and places, and the young werewolf had a feeling that James was getting to that time and place for confessions.
"What are you thinking about?" A voice asked.
Remus yelped at the sudden noise, tumbling off his bed and landing with a loud thump on the floor. The lower half of his body still tangled in his sheets Remus groaned, hand feeling around for his bearings. Opening his eyes he saw James standing over him, worry etched onto his face.
"Are you alright? Jesus Remus, I didn't mean scare you," James said, easily picking the smaller boy up and placing him back on the bed. Remus rubbed the back of his head, feeling a lump forming there.
"It's fine mate," Remus said softly, giving a smile to him. "Did you need anything?"
James blinked, as if suddenly remembering the reason for coming up to the dormitory in the first place and nodding, sitting on Remus' bed as well. He was looking serious, and Remus shifted a little nervously, having a feeling what James was going to be saying during this conversation.
"I want to talk to you about the mornings," James said softly. Remus winced inwardly.
"What about them?" Remus asked, sounding neutral.
"What do you think about when you look at your scars?" James replied, turning to stare at him with an intimidating gaze. Remus swallowed the sudden lump in his throat, already feeling pushed into a corner. You knew this was going to happen eventually, so just get it over with, he thought quickly.
"I think about why I give them to myself," Remus said, relieved to find his voice calm.
"You mean with Moony?" James asked again, this time shifting closer on the bed, effectively making escape difficult. Remus eyed him warily, suddenly aware that James wasn't going to let him leave until some secrets were spilled. James' hand came to rest on the werewolf's knee, and Remus stared at it as if it were something foreign.
"No, I gave them to myself," he said, as if in a daze. What are you doing, what are you doing! Remus' mind was working frantically.
James was still holding that level gaze, his voice never wavering. "Why Remmie?" He asked.
Remus swallowed audibly. "Because I cut myself for every worry I had the previous day. I like feeling that pain; it relaxes me and reminds that I'm still human." Remus was expecting James to pull a face, but the other continued to look at him, nothing but love in his gaze.
"Do you think I would be able to love a monster?" James asked. Remus paled, expecting the worst. "No, I love you Remus, I love you because you are simply human. You have probably taught yourself to believe others when they say you're a monster. You hurt yourself to please them, when the only people who expect to be pleased are Sirius and I. And I personally believe that you being happy would make Sirius and me happy as well. The wizarding world has dehumanized you, and it isn't fair, not one bit, not when you are more human than any of us."
"Oh, is that right?" Remus said, his voice cold. "Is that why I find pleasure in other people's pain? Is that why I love it when I hurt people? Is that why I'm a fucking murderer? Can you still love a monster that has been torn to pieces?"
James didn't look fazed in the least, not even when Remus had jumped up and away from his grasp. He didn't have anything but love in those hazel eyes, and Remus found himself breathing harshly, confusion and frustration and self betrayal all running amuck in his mind. James stood up as well, and Remus flinched backwards, suddenly feeling very trapped. James held his arms out, not making any other movement, leaving the door in plain view and escape easy.
Remus tilted slightly towards his escape, but he couldn't move, couldn't bring his panicked gaze away from James' calm look. He really was prepared to listen this time, Remus thought, the only coherent one so far. To his horror, a few painful minutes later, he felt warm liquid slide down his cheeks, sobs coming up out of his throat.
"I am just like you Remus," James finally spoke, his arms still outstretched, "I'm torn too, but it hurts that you are hurting. I'm torn because you are torn."
"Don't put yourself in with me Potter!" Remus hissed. He had no idea why he was still trying to defend himself, even when his barriers were broken.
"Are you afraid that I'll get hurt by the people who scorned you?" James asked softly.
Remus' breathing came to an abrupt stop. He always failed to protect James and Sirius, and he always hated himself for it. But…they didn't even want to be protected, judging by how they always tried to come to him again. If they didn't even need protection, then why did he still try? Because I love them…Remus thought, calmly now. I love them so much that only they can help me. I love them so much because I can trust them, lean on them…I love them because they allow me to let go.
Slowly, Remus stumbled into James' arms, clinging onto the other as if he were drowning. James slowly lowered them to the ground, rubbing his head as he sobbed against James' shoulder. Remus was mumbling, incoherent but definitely multiple apologies were mixed in. James shushed him gently, kissing his head as if it were a treasure. His hazel eyes were watering as he listened to the broken boys sobs, and he hugged the other closer.
Hours later, Sirius would walk in to find Remus passed out in James' arms, the other's hazel gaze never once straying, and never once showing anything but love.
Sirius was secretive, protective, and yet very afraid. He flinched from contact that was not initiated by him, and he always kept people at arms length. He and Remus were one in the same, Sirius would think on slow days where he could just get lost in his thoughts, they were both messed up beyond repair. Remus was hesitant around him sometimes, especially around the full moons, and Sirius could understand why. The Forbidden Prank still lingers in their minds.
Whenever Sirius thought about that prank, his neck would hurt immensely. It was okay though, because he knew he deserved it. One morning, he had woken up from that pain and couldn't sleep again. He left for the bathroom and noticed that Remus was in front of the mirror, with a knife cutting into him.
Sirius hadn't reacted, only blinked at the odd sight and continued with his business. Remus had looked ashamed when he came back out from urinating, and he had smiled at him. The other was still holding the knife, stomach still bleeding, and with Remus' hand still on the hilt, Sirius had brought the knife to his own neck, cutting deep exactly where Remus had choked him.
Sirius had smiled, bringing the knife down and dabbing at his fresh wound softly, almost relishing the feel of it. Looking into Remus' frightened amber eyes Sirius had decided to tell one of his secrets, as he had so obviously revealed one of the lycanthropes. He started slow in order for Remus to understand his intent, and when the other's gaze softened, he picked up his speed of his tale.
He told Remus a very private one, in fact, a secret about when his father first used the torture curse on him. He had disobeyed for the very first time at the age of five, and he was hit with the curse three times in a row, for three minutes each time it was cast, and with three seconds of break in between. Sirius had recalled the memory with a smile, and Remus had suddenly looked stricken. The werewolf's stomach still bleeding, Sirius had felt a gentle bloodied hand on his cheek, and relished that moment.
It was the first time anyone had ever comforted him, albeit the small gesture it was, the touch was still sacred to him. After that, when Sirius' cut would go away after a while, he would renew it in the mornings with Remus, and for every secret the werewolf told, Sirius would counter with one of his own. He had come to love these moments the two of them shared, and it really was a great time together, even is they were causing themselves harm.
Besides, while he and Remus had the mornings, he and James had their Quidditch practices and games.
These were enjoyed between the two on a much more intimate level, because it was something the both of them truly enjoyed. And, when alone in the locker rooms, changing into their school robes, Sirius would leave lingering kisses and touches on the other boy, soft like his mental state.
Sirius had a problem with being too gentle with things, because of the impression his parents had left on him. His parents had dealt with him brutally, and thus Sirius in turn handled things with too much care. He tended to be especially protective of Remus, seeing as the younger was so much physically weaker than he or James, because being a werewolf had worn him down so much.
As Remus was his glass sculpture, handled with extreme care, James was his work of art. It was refreshing for him on that first Hogwarts train ride, to find someone that was equally strong as him, so he wouldn't have to put so much tiring care into him. James was perfect for him, because once complete, the other boy tended to shape himself. Sirius would get insecure when he thought about those moments, but all he needed to do was look to Remus, and he'd feel comforted once again.
Sirius was harsh sometimes, and during these moments he and James would release their troubles through sex, and everything would be right again. Sirius knew Remus was in no way ready for sex when he wasn't influenced by alcohol, and he respected that.
Because Remus was his glass sculpture, Sirius would protect him.
Sirius adored both of his lovers, and they helped, they really did, but sometimes he needed to release in another way. In those times of worry and self hatred, he would drink his sorrows away, but still end up just as miserable when he drank. So, in third year he found a solution for that too.
Sirius never wanted Remus to worry about him in those moments, so he went to James, and would stroke that unruly black hair and think. Sometimes he would talk to the sleeping form, but he would mostly just get lost in thought until he fell asleep. He'd always dream on those nights as well.
He would dream about life and death. He would dream about comfort and loneliness. He would dream about happiness to depression. He dreamt about the past mostly, on those nights when his troubles outweighed the alcohol. That night he stumbled upon James in the common room, his mind in tatters from the thought of his glass sculptures pictures being burned and ruined.
James had comforted him so nicely, and Sirius' little work of art was suddenly shown much differently. James was everything -his savior, his protector, his shelter, and his master. James held all the strings with him, because Sirius knew the other would be able to handle the duty. Sirius' little glass project would shatter under the added emotional weight of his baggage, and he didn't want his fragile little Remmie to get hurt.
But James…James could handle it all, Sirius knew, because works of art were made from everything. James had the colors, and the clay; the paint and the ink; the designs and the patterns. Sirius' work of art could have it all, and still be untarnished and whole, even though more work could be put on him.
That night in the common room, Sirius added water colors to that canvas with his tears, and his artwork still looked so beautiful and whole. He knew he had fallen asleep that night, but he also knew that Remus had carried him up to bed again, this time James as well. It still amazed him how his lover could be so strong.
The feel of water on him suddenly knocked Sirius out of his thoughts, and he looked up to see the giant squid's tentacles rising into the air, swinging around almost hypnotically. Sirius sighed wistfully, leaning back to be supported by his hands behind him, watching the patches of students here and there walking and talking with one another.
"Being it such a nice day, I thought I'd find you out here."
Sirius smiled at the intrusion, sitting up straight and patting the space next to him. Remus sat down, golden eyes following the ripples in the lake as the squid moved beneath the surface.
"You were so quiet today, I was a little worried," Remus spoke softly, his voice a gentle hum to Sirius' ears. The elder of the two whistled a soft tune in replied, a smile never leaving his face.
"I thought you were avoiding me Rem," Sirius said after a few moments. Remus turned to look at him, surprise on his features.
"What do you mean?" He asked.
Sirius scratched the back of his head, smiling still. "Last night when I found you in James' arms, I thought you'd be embarrassed. Today however, you seemed so carefree, as if you finally let go of something important."
Remus looked surprised, but a wide grin blossomed onto his face, and Sirius reached quickly into his bag, taking his camera out and snapping a quick picture. Remus blinked from the dancing lights in his vision, but didn't question the action (Sirius had a tendency to randomly take pictures with the shrunken camera in his bag). He rubbed his amber eyes, nodding at Sirius' worried expression. "I'm never going to understand why you do that," Remus said softly. Sirius smiled at him.
"I like to capture the moments," Sirius responded, reaching out to place his hand on Remus'. "Beyond the moments, I like to capture the feelings thereafter in my heart, because those are always so precious to me."
Remus blushed visibly, turning his head away but leaving his hand.
"You sure know how to get to your boyfriend's heart, eh Sirius?" Remus said softly, still very flattered.
"I try, my little glass sculpture," Sirius murmured, leaning in to breath Remus' scent. It smelled just like the earth and forests, so very suited for the boy.
"It really is funny how you keep calling me that," Remus said, enjoying the attention. "I'm not made of glass though, Sirius, I can take in a lot of things. I'm strong too, just like you and James."
Sirius frowned. "You have to be my glass sculpture, otherwise I won't be able to take care of you," he stated defiantly, something within him sparking. Remus looked at him for a moment, before he smiled at Sirius' rather angry expression.
"I give you permission to take care of me, but don't treat me like I'm fragile," Remus whispered, leaning in close. "You are so much better than that Siri; don't let your parents affect you."
"What are you talking about?" Sirius asked, unconsciously drawing the other even closer to him.
"Sirius, where your parents abused you, you in turn are obsessively protective," Remus stated, and he felt Sirius flinch a little. "That will only hurt you in the end you know, so just tell yourself that nothing can hurt me, not if you are just there. You don't even have to make an effort, okay? Besides, it tires you out so easily -mentally and physically."
"You sound so confident now and days, not at all like the Remmie last week," Sirius said softly.
"James helped me get through a vast fear that I held within me, something that I finally realized and came to terms with," Remus said. "He is so very helpful, that boyfriend of ours."
"Just one night, that's it? You're done with your past?" Sirius questioned, skeptical.
"No, it will take time to come to complete terms with my doubts, but…I don't think I have to worry when I have you two," the young werewolf suddenly seemed to glow, and Sirius smiled broadly at the sight.
Remus turned in Sirius' arms, taking out his wand and pointing it at Sirius' cut, muttering the charm to heal it, also getting rid of the scar. Sirius blinked, eyes watering slightly.
"Why don't you get rid of yours?" Sirius asked, voice somewhat choked. Remus wrapped his arms around the others neck, tightening his hold.
"I already have, I don't need them telling me I'm a monster, when I am human, just like you," he said. Sirius wrapped his arms around the smaller body against his, and tightened his grip just as hard.
"Yes you are," he whispered, and Remus' body seemed to relax with his statement. "Remus, thank you very much."
"It is the least I can do Sirius."
-One Week Later-
"Tonight, my young chaps, we are going to celebrate!" James said loudly as Remus and Sirius and Peter trailed after him into the common room, all wearing small smiles. James turned quickly, roping onto Remus and hefting him into his arms, laughing.
"Wha-! Hey James wait, don't drop me!" Remus yelped, clinging onto James' shoulder as he was tossed over onto it, in a firemen's hold. Sirius laughed, wrapping his arms around James, kissing Remus passionately. The young werewolf snorted into it, unable to really hold onto his laughs.
"Gryffindor wins the house cup again, and our little Remmie graduates at the top of our class!" James cheered, swinging around madly; Sirius still latched onto Remus' lips was also spun. Peter clapped loudly, laughing with the others. The door banged open, Lily Evans standing in the doorway, giving an exasperated smile.
"Honestly, he didn't get it by much," she complained softly, and Remus held his arms out, still very much slung over James' shoulder. The two friends hugged tightly, Lily yelping when James gave another spin.
"Hey, hey Evans who said you could barge in here and interrupt our boy's night?" Sirius whispered dangerously into her ear, masking his smile perfectly. She flinched, turning around to give him a piece of her mind when he suddenly laughed, giving her sloppy kiss on the lips.
"Sirius Black, as much as I love getting lip action with homo's, I think your boyfriends are getting jealous," she said in mock anger, a smile on her face.
"Yeah Sirius, I want some lip too!" James pouted. Remus yelped as he was tossed onto a bed. Sirius smirked, drawing James closer and kissing the messy haired boy deeply, smiling into the kiss as the other moaned in reply. Remus, Lily, and Peter blushed from their spots on the bed as the two continued to fight for dominance, James pushing Sirius onto the bed opposite the three.
"Holy shit dude," Peter muttered, blushing.
"It's like a car accident, but I can't look away," Lily responded, eyes glued to the two now taking each other's shirts off. Remus sighed, suddenly feeling very turned on.
"Those two, always doing whatever they please, even if they have an audience," he said, masking his arousal at the sight of his two lovers going at it with one another. Moony was howling within him, eager to join, but Remus held him back. Lily turned to Remus again, flopping down with her head in his lap.
"I'm surprised you aren't jealous," she said softly. Remus glanced down at her, dropping a finger onto her nose.
"I'm happy that they're happy" -here he paused to glance at them again- "Moony is very happy too," Remus said, smiling down at her. Lily glanced at the two fully naked boys, blushed, and then turned her attention back to Remus.
"I'm so glad, last week, when I saw the change within you," she said softly. "As one of your friends, I was really worried for you."
Remus' gaze softened, and he smiled down at her. "I have those two rabbits to thank for that, you know. I'm surprised you're even speaking to them, I just told you of our relationship three days ago."
"I'm a little mad at Potter for using me like that over the years, but…" Lily's tone was soft, and full of love. "I honestly love the three of you very much, and that's what I came to realize this year."
"Holy shit James is topping!" Peter cut in, eyes still glued.
Lily giggled. "And Peter too, I have to love Peter."
The pudgy Marauder smiled down at her, his small watery blue eyes full of happiness. "Thank you Lily," he said softly, and Remus smiled at the both of them. It was getting a little harder to ignore the needy and breathy moans being issued from the other bed, and Remus walked over there, keeping silent.
Slowly crawling up onto the bed, he cast the curtains shut with a flick of his wand, casting a silencing charm to go with it.
It was going to be a joyous night.
No sequel, this was just a one shot. This story took a deeper look into Sirius, Remus, and James' personalities and their problems. Just assume that Lily got together with Snape there at the end, and Harry is the child of Remus and James. By the way, even though Remus got over his doubts and fears, he still didn't have the heart to tell Sirius he got rid of his child, but he will one day…maybe. (happy sigh)
By the way, if the three got married, they'd be Potter-Lupin-Black (PLB for short). Poor Harry! (XD)