What Nawt Tew Dew En Lovecraft

I gawt saome o' this awf the Internet an' made the rest up meself.

1: If yew find yerself en a position tew acquire yer ancestral estate (castle, manor house, etc.), dun't.Especially ef et's built awn a cliff ur overlooking a bog. Jest trust that yer ancestors moved away fraom thar fer a reasawn, an' steer clear o' the place yerself. Dun't even gew thar awn holiday.

2: Never read anything whose author was reputed tew be mad.

3: If, while dreaming, yew find yer dream-self goin' daown a lawng flight o' steps ter a gate, turn around. Gew back up.Settle fer a nice dream featurin' a super model o' yer choice instead.

4: Dun't drink the water. Enaough said.

5: Any electronic equipment yew may brin' along fer the purpose o' artificially enhancing yer sensitivity tew unknown phenomena, ur fer recordin' such phenomena, will only increase the likelihood o' yew going insane an'/ur getting eaten. Jest stick with a flashlight (if you really must be able tew see where yer going; even thet es awften ill-advised) an' a really good pair o' running shoes.

6: Buy a gun, but use et only en the following situations: ef saomebody yew knaow caomes ter yew claiming tew have been dispossessed o' his/her body, which es then subsequently inhabited by an alien intelligence, shoot thet person. Yer doing him/her a favor. Likewise, ef yew ever suspect thet yer aown mind has been has been displaced by another, jest gew ahead an' shoot yerself. Avoid the stress an' aggravation.

7: En awl other situations, leave the gun et haome. Yew'll only drop et en yer mad flight tew safety anyway.

8: Avoid fawg, mist, shadows, darkness, an' anything ur any place thet smells bad. Avoid primeval forests, ol' caves, cemeteries, charnel houses, abandoned buildings, an' the sea.

9: Break awf friendships wit anybody who tends tew capitalize the followin' words en their writin': "Ol'," "Elder," "Ancient," "Chaos," "Evil," "Dweller," "Lurker," an' "Horror," especially ef any o' these words are used en combination wit 'un another ur with the word "Gawd(s)."

10: Break awf friendships wit artists, especially weird 'uns. The same gews fer college professors. These people quite simply knaow tew much fer their own good. Ur yers.

11: Never travel tew the following destinations, particularly fer exploratory purposes: rural England, rural New England, any town ur city in America thet kin justly be described es "centuries ol'", India, Africa; Australia, Asia, Antarctica, ur any place thet might ever have been part o' the lost continent o' Mu. If yew live en any o' these places, move away immediately.

12: Dun't keep a diary, journal, ur travelogue. The only people who write daown things thet happen tew them are the people tew whom bad thin's happen.

13: Ef a stone artifact ever comes entew yer possession thet es clearly artificial en shape, and just es clearly nawt the work o' human bein's, get rid o' et. An' the box et came en, jest tew be awn the safe side. Then gew an' wash yer han's.

14: Dun't listen tew weird music. Ef yer crazy neighbor es alsew a musician, move away.

15: The same fur crazy artists, crazy scientists, an' any'un as insists awn a certain tempurature en thar rooms.

16: Ef en doubt, dun't hang around. Running away es never a bad idea when dealin' wit this kind o' thin'.

17: Dun't say anythin' aloud thet's written en a foreign language en a book wit occult symbuls awn the cover. Yew never knaow what might happen.

18: Dun't even taouch thaose kind o' books, yew idiots!

19: Anything involving blood is a bad idea.

20: Giant shapeshifting horrors from beyond space-time are NOT your friends.