(7/27/00—7/28/00) The JJRN Special—Part II: Out of the Bag

NEW CHARACTERS:

CHAN-SAW

NURSE John: Nurse Joy's brother (it doesn't matter which Nurse Joy)

a CHANSEY nurse

Scene I

(We find Galaxia down at the PokéCenter)

GALAXIA: Who are you?

NURSE: I'm Nurse John.

GALAXIA: You're a guy.

NURSE: Yes, I know.

GALAXIA: But you're a nurse?

NURSE: I'm a guy nurse.

GALAXIA: That's just wrong.

NURSE: Hey, we guys don't complain when you girls become construction workers and doctors.

GALAXIA: Actually, some do. And I'm totally fine with the idea of guy nurses, but did you have to wear the skirt?

NURSE: You think it's too much?

GALAXIA: I'm very frightened by it, and guys in dresses usually don't frighten me because I happen to be very good friends with a professional cross-dresser. Then again, he's never worn a frilly pink nurse's dress…

NURSE: Yeah, I thought it was going a little overboard too but the manager here is really strict about uniform and this was the only one they've got.

GALAXIA: They should really be more prepared for the overthrow of sexual innuendoes.

NURSE: I agree. So, how can I help you anyway?

GALAXIA: I don't remember. (looks at the wad of cash in her hand) Oh, yeah! I'd like to get my Flareon fixed!

NURSE: Oh, I see. It been chasing your boyfriend?

GALAXIA: Something like that…(pulls out her Pokéball) Exactly how long will it take?

NURSE: Only a couple hours, but we're going to have to keep her overnight.

GALAXIA: Overnight?! (pouts) Do you have to?

NURSE: 'Fraid so. You wanna' say goodbye to her at all?

GALAXIA: (sigh) Alright. Flareon, go! (throws the Pokéball on the ground)

(In a beam of red light, a Pokémon shoots out of the little ball, which bounces back into Galaxia's hand)

NURSE: That's an awfully funny looking Flareon…

GALAXIA: Chan-saw?!

(The large pink Pokémon blinks and looks around in confusion)

CHAN-SAW: Chan? Chan?

GALAXIA: Chan-saw, what were you doing in Flareon's Pokéball?!

CHAN-SAW: (confused) Sey! Chansey, chan?! (suddenly notices her chainsaw missing and bursts into tears) SEEEYY!

GALAXIA: Stop crying—l can't understand a word you're saying! How could this happen?!

NURSE: (confused) So do you want to get the Chansey fixed instead?

GALAXIA: No, I do not want to get the Chansey fixed, unless you mean fixed in the head that is! I want the Chansey to stop crying about it's stupid chainsaw and tell me what it's doing in my Flareon's Pokéball!

CHAN-SAW: (still sobbing) Chansey! (gasp) CHAAAAAN!

GALAXIA: (stomping her foot angrily) Oh perfect! Just perfect!

NURSE: You understand her?!

GALAXIA: (absentmindedly) Yeah, she said, "My chainsaw! Flareon stuffed me in that stupid ball and stole my chainsaw!" and then she cried, "MY CHAINSAW!" and went back to crying again. (to herself) Now what am I supposed to do?! I only have enough change for the bus ride home! (starts crying as well)

NURSE: All that in, "Chansey chan"?

GALAXIA: (sobbing) It's a very condensed language…(bursts into tears)

(One of the Pokémon Center's Chansey nurses wanders over)

CHANSEY: (concerned) Chansey? Chansey chan?

CHAN-SAW: (sob) Seeey…!

CHANSEY: Sey! Chansey! (whips a chainsaw from behind her back and hands it to Chan-saw)

CHAN-SAW: Sey! (hugs the chainsaw tightly)

CHANSEY: Chaaaan-SEY!

(The Chansey puffs up her chest determinedly and gives Galaxia a few good double slaps across the face)

GALAXIA: WAAA—(abruptly stops crying) (blink) Thanks, I needed that.

CHANSEY: Chansey. (walks off)

NURSE: (peering over the counter at her) Now what are you going to do?

GALAXIA: I have no idea…(slides to a dejected heap on the floor)

Scene II

(Butch and Cassidy are hanging out at the phone booth in front of the PokéCenter, looking through the phone book)

CASSIDY: They have to be in here! I know their hideout's in this town, and I'm going to find it!

BUTCH: Maybe it's an unlisted number.

CASSIDY: (irritated) Why on earth would it be—(blinks) Just shut up, Butch!

BUTCH: Well Cassidy, not even Jesse and James would be stupid enough to list their phone number in the phone book because they're wanted criminals and that would just be stupid and besides—

(Cassidy smashed the phone book over his head)

CASSIDY: I told you not to correct me!

BUTCH: I think I'm going to stop, it's becoming painful…

CASSIDY: (huffy) Now what the hell are we going to do?

BUTCH: Why are you trying to find them anyway, Cassidy? The Boss said they're off assignment and that we couldn't work with them anyway.

CASSIDY: You fool, I don't want to work with them, I want to—well, I don't exactly know what I want to do to them, but it's not going to be nice! (grabs Butch by the collar) Did you really believe that load of bull I fed the Boss?!

BUTCH: (pressing his index fingers together sheepishly) Well it was very convincing…

CASSIDY: (dropping him roughly) Why must my partner be an imbecile?!

BUTCH: You're the one who requested we be partnered together.

CASSIDY: Aaaaarrrrgghh….! (poking him in the chest) Don't expect me to be so nice next time just 'cuz I'm your big sister!

BUTCH: (under his breath) You've never been nice before so why would I expect anything to change?

(Galaxia walks out of the PokéCenter, followed by Chan-saw)

GALAXIA: I don't suppose you have any change for bus fare?

CHAN-SAW: (digs around in her egg pouch) Chan? (pulls out some candy wrappers, bits of string, and a few pennies; shakes her head) Seey…

GALAXIA: (pouting angrily) Damnit! (kicks the sidewalk angrily and sits down dejectedly on the curb)

CASSIDY: That girl looks familiar some how…

BUTCH: Hey, weren't you in a Kohl's catalogue?

GALAXIA: (looking up) Uh, no. Hey, I know you! (jumps up) You're from Team Rocket!

CASSIDY: (suspicious) And just why do you think that?

GALAXIA: Well, first of all, you're wearing your uniforms—

BUTCH: I think we forgot to change after meeting with the Boss, sis.

CASSIDY: Shut up, Butch!

GALAXIA: …And second, I'm from Team Rocket too! (lifts her shirt to show her uniform underneath)

BUTCH: Now she remembered to change.

CASSIDY: I told you to shut up, Butch! (curious) Girl, I don't recognize that uniform.

GALAXIA: I'm a cadet. But you're Butch and Cassidy, aren't you? The 2nd-class team? (thoughtful) Weren't you deported?

BUTCH: (cheery) Yeah, we were and we just got—

(Cassidy punches him angrily)

CASSIDY: Don't brag about it, moron!

GALAXIA: Boy, am I glad I ran into you two! See, I've got a little bit of a problem. I'm out of change and I needed to get home to pick up my Pokémon to take to the PokéCenter so maybe you could—

CASSIDY: I don't think so.

GALAXIA: Aw, come on! Team Rocket always sticks together!

CASSIDY: (glaring at no one in particular) You don't know how wrong you are…

GALAXIA: I'll pay you back! (begging) You're my last resort! I'd ask Neko-chan, but she's in Pallet, and Jess and James-chan are still back at the hideout! I really need your—

CASSIDY: (perking up) Did you say 'Jess and James'?!

GALAXIA: Um, yeah…

CASSIDY: (grabbing her by the collar) As in, the Jesse and James of Team Rocket Elite?!

GALAXIA: Yeah. Jeez, you don't have to get all excited! (pushes her hands away) You know 'em?

CASSIDY: You could say that…

BUTCH: Cassidy's been trying to get a hold of them ever since—

(Cassidy quickly covers his mouth)

CASSIDY: Uh, what Butch is trying to say is that, Jess and James are old friends of ours and we haven't seen them for so long, so we'd be honored to come with you to pick up your Pokémon!

GALAXIA: Hey, that's great! They'll be thrilled to see you!

CASSIDY: (mischievous grin) I'm just furious with excitement to see them, too…!

Scene III

(Jesse and James are snuggling on the couch back at the hideout. [Guys, please don't vomit])

JESSE: (sigh) Finally! Peace and quiet!

JAMES: We never did find Meowth, you know.

JESSE: Oh, he probably went to visit relatives or something.

JAMES: Meowth doesn't have relatives.

JESSE: Well he's gone and that's all that matters.

JAMES: We never found Chan-saw or Evil Bear-mon, either, Jess.

JESSE: James, stop worrying! The house is empty. What are you worried about? That they're going to jump out from behind the couch and say "boo" or something?

JAMES: No, but I thought you would be.

SEAGULL: (jumping out from behind the couch) Boo.

JESSE: (irritated) Haven't you left yet?

SEAGULL: Why leave when I can stay and pester you?

JAMES: I was fine before, but now you're starting to piss me off!

(Dives over the couch at Seagull)

SEAGULL: (jumping out of the way) Fine, fine, I'm leaving! Sheesh! (walks out)

JESSE: Hey, you got rid of her, James-chan! (blink; looks over the couch at him) James-chan?

JAMES: Ow…

JESSE: Oh brother…

(Galaxia rushes into the room)

GALAXIA: Guys, guys, have you seen Flareon?!

JESSE: What the hell are you doing back here?

GALAXIA: Well I got to the PokéCenter and Flareon wasn't in her Pokéball! Somehow she got Chan-saw in there and now I have no idea where she is!

JESSE: (weep) My perfect plan…ruined…!

GALAXIA: What are you doing on the floor, James?

JAMES: Waiting to regain the feeling in my legs…(whimper)

GALAXIA: Jeez, Jesse, I told you to lay off abusing him!

JESSE: But I didn't—aw, never mind…

GALAXIA: Oh, by the way, I ran into some friends of yours at the PokéCenter! I'm going to be outside looking for Flareon! (runs off)

JAMES: Friends? What friends?

JESSE: (groan) Great! More people to get rid of!

CASSIDY: (walking into the room) Don't worry, we should be quick!

JESSE: CASSIDY?!

JAMES: BOTCH?!

BUTCH: Stop calling me that—it's Butch!

JAMES: They're both stupid names, what's the difference?

JESSE: How the hell did you get here?! I thought you were deported!

CASSIDY: We were, but we found our way back.

BUTCH: We're kind of like cats.

CASSIDY: Butch, shut up!

BUTCH: Fine, we'll be like dogs if that's how you're gonna' be…

CASSIDY: Your little blonde friend led us here.

BUTCH: I swear I saw her in a Kohl's catalogue…

JESSE: That moron!

JAMES: Guess we never told her about how Butch and Cassidy hated our guts and wanted to kill us, vice versa.

BUTCH: Tough luck.

JAMES: So now what?

BUTCH: We fight, we kill you, everything's peachy.

JAMES: That doesn't sound peachy to me!

BUTCH: Well you don't have to live with my sister when she's on a revenge hype.

JAMES: But I get killed!

BUTCH: Believe me, you'd prefer death.

CASSIDY: BUTCH! (whacks him over the head)

JESSE: And just how exactly do you think you are going to kill us?

JAMES: Yeah! We've survived anything and everything! We're like…invincible!

BUTCH: Really? You mean like Superman?

CASSIDY: No, Superman can die, you moron! (hits him) They're more like…the Incredible Hulk or something.

JESSE: No, the Incredible Hulk's not invincible either.

BUTCH: Then who is?

JAMES: I can't think of any invincible super heroes right now.

JESSE: We can get back to this later. Right now…LET'S RUN!

JAMES: Good idea!

(Both run off)

CASSIDY: Hey, come back here! We haven't killed you yet!

BUTCH: I don't think they want to die.

CASSIDY: Yes, I don't think they—(hits him) OF COURSE THEY DON'T WANT TO DIE, YOU BLOCKHEAD!

(Galaxia walks in)

GALAXIA: Oh. Where'd Jess and James go? Did you guys get to talk to them?

BUTCH: They had some, uh, errands to do so they had to run…

GALAXIA: Oh well. Well I still haven't found Flareon yet so you're going to have to get a ride back to town by yourselves. Feel free to stop by anytime, though!

CASSIDY: Wait, you still have to pay us back for that bus ride!

GALAXIA: Well I don't have the money right now! You're going to have to wait until I get my next paycheck. Bye! (runs off)

CASSIDY: AAAARRGH! THAT WAS THE LAST OF OUR MONEY!

BUTCH: You mean we're stuck here?

CASSIDY: Yes, you dolt, we're stuck here! Unless you want to walk the three hours back to town!

BUTCH: No way! I've still got a cold! (sniffles a little and takes a lozenge)

CASSIDY: Well have you got a better idea?!

BUTCH: … (long pause) … Maybe it won't be so bad…

CASSIDY: (smacking her forehead) I really need some Prozac…!

Scene IV

(Neko-chan's just getting off the bus from Pallet at the bus station)

NEKO: Damnit, James! There was not a film festival! (crumples up her bus ticket viciously) Stupid waste of pocket change! (glares moodily at nothing in particular) I need a latte and a Bavarian Bismarck, bad…!

(Another bus pulls up and Jesse and James run off)

NEKO: Speak of the devil…

JESSE: (panting) Do you think they followed us?!

JAMES: (panting as well) I think they're still in our living room!

(Neko calmly walks over and drop-kicks James to the ground)

JAMES: OW! Hey!

JESSE: Neko-chan?! What are you doing here?!

NEKO: (fuming) JAMES, YOU LIAR, THERE WAS NO FILM FESTIVAL! YOU OWE ME A BUS TICKET!

JESSE: (dryly) Oh, so that's what you're doing here…

JAMES: Neko, it was an accident! Maybe I read the date wrong!

NEKO: That was no accident! You made the whole thing up so you could get everyone out of the house and have it all to yourselves so you two could play kissy-face because YOU'RE HAVING AN AFFAIR!

JESSE: (turning red) JEEZ, SAY IT LOUDER, WILL YA?!

NEKO: (hands on hips) Well I'm right, aren't I?

SEAGULL: Yeah, you're right. They are having an affair.

JESSE: Jesus Christ, you're everywhere! You just won't go away!

SEAGULL: (licking an ice cream cone) I wanted to stick around and tell everyone your naughty little secret but it seems Neko already figured it out.

NEKO: (pointing at Jesse and James triumphantly) HA! I KNEW IT ALL ALONG! I WAS RIGHT! I TOLD GALAXIA BUT SHE DIDN'T BELIEVE ME! I'M A GENIUS! YOU GUYS REALLY SCREWED UP THIS TIME! HA HA HA HA HA! (more psychotic laughter) HA HA HA HA HA HA HA! (stops laughing) Hey, Seagull, where'd you get that ice cream cone?

SEAGULL: At that coffee shop over there.

NEKO: Ooh, a coffee shop! (runs off giddily)

JESSE: (bitter) Oh yeah, send her to get more caffeine!

JAMES: All that trouble and they found out anyway, Jesse. I told you it shouldn't matter.

JESSE: (turning on Seagull) What's your problem?!

SEAGULL: Nothing. I just enjoy other peoples' pain. (licks her ice cream cone)

JAMES: You're really twisted.

SEAGULL: Yeah, I know.

JAMES: Ever thought of going into the human torture business?

SEAGULL: Yeah, too much work.

JESSE: (sobbing) All I wanted was to spend the day alone with my boyfriend, but instead, everyone has to ruin it for me! You catch us kissing and won't leave us alone, then Galaxia brings Butch and Cassidy to the hideout, who try to kill us, Neko ambushes us at the bus stop, then figures out we're having an affair and publicly humiliates us! CAN'T I GET A BREAK?!

SEAGULL: Just goes to show you, honesty's the best policy.

JESSE: You find pleasure in other peoples' misery, yet you spout morals?!

SEAGULL: Let's just say I'm a mystery wrapped inside an enigma, wrapped inside a hypocrite.

JAMES: Wrapped inside an annoyance.

SEAGULL: You're mad too, aren't you?

JAMES: Don't make me show you how much.

Scene V

(It's late evening. Jesse and James are sitting on the roof of their hideout watching the stars, while everyone else is inside having a tequila party)

JESSE: (sigh) So much for spending the day together.

JAMES: Oh well. We can make up for it by spending the night together.

JESSE: (sly grin) You seem optimistic.

JAMES: (grin) Maybe. Besides, now everyone knows about us anyway, so we don't have to sneak around anymore. (puts his arm around her) We might just get that day together after all.

JESSE: So I guess I owe you an 'I told you so', huh?

JAMES: Uh-huh.

JESSE: Let's just say I'll give it to you later. (leans her head on his shoulder)

JAMES: I'd say I like that prospect…(kisses her softly)

(Inside…)

NEKO: You know, I'm kinda' glad those two finally admitted their feelings for one another.

GALAXIA: Yeah, it makes livin' with them a lot more bearable!

SEAGULL: Well I don't live wit' 'em so I could care less! Gimme dat bottle!

NEKO: Seagull, you're plastered! I'm not giving you anymore booze!

SEAGULL: Like 'ell I'm plastered! Gimme another tequila!

GALAXIA: Not the whole bottle, you drunk!

NEKO: Seagull, get back here!

CHAN-SAW: Seey! (sneaks off with another bottle)

(Back on the roof)

JAMES: (pulling away from their kiss) What do you think ever happened to Meowth and Evil Bear-mon?

JESSE: Oh, James, would you stop worrying about them and just relax! I've been worrying over where everyone else is all day and now I just want to forget about them!

JAMES: I suppose you're right. But I have the strangest feeling we're in for another crazy day tomorrow…

JESSE: (poking him in the chest gently) You stop worrying about having a crazy tomorrow and get your mind back to having a crazy night! …

END SEASON ONE

To be continued…