(7/25/00—7/26/00) The JJRN Special—Part I: Operation Evacuation

CHARACTERS:

JAMES

JESSE

MEOWTH

NEKO-CHAN

GALAXIA

EVIL BEAR-MON

Jesse & James' POKÉMON

GASTLY

LESBIAN SEAGULL

BUTCH

CASSIDY

GIOVANNI

Giovanni's PERSIAN

a Smash Bros. game for N64

and some Hot Wheels cars

Scene I

(Breakfast time; the hideout's kitchen [with it's new table])

JESSE: Who ate the last Toaster Strudel?

NEKO: We had Toaster Strudels?! Damnit! (throws her toast in the garbage angrily)

GALAXIA: I didn't eat the last Toaster Strudel. But I ate one.

JESSE: So who ate the last one?!

MEOWTH: Maybe it got stolen.

JESSE: Of course it was stolen! It was mine and somebody ate it!

GALAXIA: She's really obsessing over that Toaster Strudel.

NEKO: Well what do you expect? It's a Toaster Strudel, not a Pop-Tart, for Christ's sake!

E. BEAR: Evil?

JESSE: No, I do not want a Pop-Tart! I want a Toaster Strudel! Pop-Tarts are for school children and woosies, Toaster Strudels are for adults and hard-core criminals!

NEKO: Do you think the Pillsbury Doughboy's an adult or a hard-core criminal?

GALAXIA: Probably the latter, what with all the 'woo-hooing' and breaking into people's houses.

MEOWTH: Now I'm very confused 'cuz James eats Pop-Tarts and Toaster Strudels.

NEKO: Maybe he's a hardcore criminal school-boy.

GALAXIA: With a fake I.D.

MEOWTH: And we all know he's a woosie.

E. BEAR: Evil, eviiil?

MEOWTH: Well you're just a talkin' bear thing so you can eat whatever da hell you want.

JESSE: Oh, never mind about my Toaster Strudel! I guess I just won't have any breakfast.

NEKO: Don't get so crabby. You can have my toast.

JESSE: Eew, I don't want you're toast! Besides, this way I can stay slim.

GALAXIA: Well that's looking on the bright side.

JESSE: And speaking of James, where is he?

NEKO: I don't hear the TV on so he must still be asleep.

GALAXIA: Everyone knows there's no good cartoons on on Sundays!

JESSE: Still sleeping?! Aaaargh, it's almost ten-thirty!

NEKO: (defensive) Hey, what's wrong with that?!

JESSE: It's none of you're business what's wrong with that! (walks off)

GALAXIA: Where are you going?

JESSE: Upstairs. Stop bothering me!

NEKO: (to Galaxia) I think she needs some Midol more than a Toaster Strudel…

JESSE: What was that?

NEKO: Nothing!

(Jesse goes upstairs to James' room)

JESSE: (slamming the door open) HEY JAMES—WAKE UP!

JAMES: (shooting out of bed) YAAAGH!

JESSE: (sweetly) Oh, you're awake.

JAMES: What?

JESSE: (sigh) Never mind.

JAMES: What?!

JESSE: (throws some clothes at him) Now get dressed! We've got work to do!

JAMES: (burying himself under the covers) Can't I just sleep some more?

JESSE: (mock pouting) James, how could you forget? You're so heartless!

JAMES: Forget what? (jumps up) Is it your birthday already?!

JESSE: Um, no—I mean, yes! (pretending to cry) James, how could you forget my birthday?!

JAMES: Um, I didn't forget I just…I was going to surprise you. Yeah! A surprise!

JESSE: (losing the tears) James, you are the biggest liar. Now get up and get dressed.

JAMES: It's not your birthday, is it?

JESSE: Nope.

JAMES: Damn. (tries to stand up but gets tangled in his covers and falls over instead) Um, Jesse, what was it we were going to do today, anyway?

JESSE: James, we came up with this last night—how could you forget?!

JAMES: Um…

JESSE: Oh, never mind. We were going to trick everyone out of the house so we could—

JAMES: …spend the day together. Okay, now I remember.

JESSE: At least you didn't completely forget.

JAMES: You act as if I'm stupid or something.

(Jesse hastily leaves the room)

JAMES: Fine! Think that way! (pause) How the hell did I get this tangled in my sheets? (struggles to get out of his tangled covers)

Scene II

(Neko and Galaxia are playing N64 in the living room)

GALAXIA: Arrrgh! Neko, stop using Jigglypuff—you always use Jigglypuff!

NEKO: Of course I always use Jigglypuff! Jigglypuff always kicks your ass!

(Neko's Jigglypuff beats the crap out of Galaxia's Link then kick's him off a cliff)

GALAXIA: You bitch! Stop doing that!

NEKO: (evil laughter)

GALAXIA: And that! It's so annoying!

NEKO: Only because I'm totally whooping you!

(Galaxia's Link gets a lightsaber and tries to hit Neko's Jigglypuff with it but Jigglypuff jumps away, sings Link asleep and kicks him off a cliff)

GALAXIA: STOP KICKING ME OFF OF CLIFFS!

NEKO: I love how Link helplessly kicks his little legs as he's falling into oblivion!

(Jesse walks in)

JESSE: Have you two seen James?

NEKO: Um, we heard some loud banging noises coming from his room and then a little while later we heard him in the kitchen raiding the refrigerator.

GALAXIA: Why do you keep on wanting to know where he is today, anyway?

JESSE: (blushing) Um, I, well…!

NEKO: (mischievous grin) Yeah, Jess. You act as if you're hiding something…

GALAXIA: Hiding something? Hiding what?

NEKO: Idiot! (whacks Galaxia) Her and James have been—

(Jesse hastily covers her mouth)

JESSE: (nervous laughter) Oh Neko, you're so paranoid! There's nothing going on between James and I!

NEKO: Mmmphff, mmphff!

JESSE: Now you go back to playing your little game and I'm going to go…feed my Pokémon.

(Jesse hurries off before Neko can say anything else)

NEKO: Huh! There's something going on and I'm gonna'—AAAAAGHH! YOU'RE BEATING ME!

GALAXIA: You shouldn't have stopped paying attention! Ha, ha sucker!

NEKO: No fair, there was interference!

GALAXIA: Oh, stop making excuses, cry baby.

NEKO: This is cheating! I demand a re-match!

(In the kitchen with James and Jesse)

JAMES: (cheery) Hi Jesse! What are you doing?

JESSE: Uh, feeding my Pokémon if anyone asks.

JAMES: You look really paranoid. Are you afraid someone's going to see us together or something?

JESSE: Of course I don't! That's silly!

JAMES: Then why are you hiding over there where Neko and Galaxia can't see you?

JESSE: Because I feel like it, okay!

JAMES: Whatever you say. (takes a bite of his donut) But you know, Jesse, we are partners and we are best friends so it's not exactly suspicious to see us talking to each other.

JESSE: (blink) Hmm, good point. (stops hiding and sits down at the table with him)

JAMES: (smug) And you said I was stupid.

JESSE: No I didn't.

JAMES: Well you implied it!

JESSE: Whatever.

JAMES: So what exactly is this big plan of yours to get everyone out of the house?

JESSE: Not a big plan, more like lot's of little plans. I give Galaxia money to go get Flareon fixed, you convince Neko-chan that there's a film festival going on in Pallet, we tell Meowth that the Black Ninja is still after him and that the only way to lose him is to lure him out of town, then we send Chan-saw and Evil Bear-mon to spy on Ash and friends and lock all the Pokémon up in their Pokéballs in the basement.

JAMES: That's a really extensive plan.

JESSE: You helped come up with it, you know.

JAMES: Oh yeah.

JESSE: Jeez, what did you drink last night?!

JAMES: (blank expression) I don't know.

JESSE: Now hurry up and eat so we can start our plan.

JAMES: I'm done eating.

JESSE: Then let's start our plan! It's quarter after eleven!

JAMES: You're so impatient.

JESSE: Deal with it.

JAMES: (sigh) I have for a long time.

NEKO: (poking her head around the doorway) What are you two up to in here?

J & J: Nothing!

NEKO: Riiiiight.

GALAXIA: They looked like they were doing nothing to me.

NEKO: Oh, shut up! You're ruining my theory!

GALAXIA: Well you're theory's stupid.

NEKO: Why must you annoy me?

JAMES: What theory?

JESSE: (nervous laughter) Oh, Neko-chan, there you go again, jumping to conclusions! We were only talking!

GALAXIA: See, that's not suspicious!

NEKO: Oh, shut up!

JAMES: What theory?

JESSE: (sidling up to Galaxia) Galaxia! I was thinking, and because you're such a good friend, I decided to loan you the money for Flareon's operation! (hands her some cash)

GALAXIA: Really?

NEKO: Wow, she must really be desperate to get that thing fixed—Jesse never borrows anyone money!

JAMES: (jealous) Not even me…

GALAXIA: Gee, Jesse, thanks! That's really nice of you!

JESSE: (sweetly) Oh, it's nothing! (hugs Galaxia happily) Anything for my best friend!

JAMES: (turning red) WHAT?!

NEKO: (dryly) Am I the only one not falling for this?

JAMES: (steaming) Jeeee-seeee…! I thought I was your best—

JESSE: (quickly covers his mouth) Quiet, James! This is part of my plan!

JAMES: (scowls darkly) Grrr…

JESSE: (elbows him roughly) Now do your part!

JAMES: (remembering) I almost forgot! (turning to Neko excitedly) Neko-chan, you won't believe what I heard is going on in Pallet today!

NEKO: (suspicious) Yeah, what?

JAMES: Oh nothing…Just a film festival…

NEKO: (getting a gleam in her eyes) Really?

JAMES: (grins and nods) Uh-huh. Including foreign films…

NEKO: (excited) A foreign film festival?! Why didn't you tell me before! Ya-HOO! (quickly runs off for the bus station) YESYESYESYESYES!

GALAXIA: (running after her) Neko-chan, wait for me! We can take the bus together! Just let me get Flareon's Pokéball!

(Jesse and James watch the two go for a bit, slow mischievous grins spreading across their faces)

JESSE: Well that was pretty easy.

JAMES: (smug) I knew Neko wouldn't be able to resist a film festival featuring foreign films.

JESSE: (cute grin) And it's a good thing, too! (grabbing his arm) Come on! Now we have to find the others!

JAMES: (scowling again) Hmmph!

JESSE: Now what's wrong?

JAMES: (turning away angrily) You told Galaxia she was your best friend when you told me a long time ago that I was your best friend!

JESSE: (sigh) Oh, James, you can be such a kid sometimes…

JAMES: (hurt) Am I not your best friend anymore?

(Jesse sighs again and rolls her eyes, then smiles and hugs him tightly)

JESSE: Would you quit worrying! I would never replace you!

JAMES: (brightening) Really?

JESSE: James, I was just trying to sucker her out of the house.

JAMES: So I'm still your best friend?

JESSE: (getting impatient) Yes, yes, you're still my best friend! Now can we please get back to business?

JAMES: (grin) Okay! Where's Meowth?

JESSE: (evil grin) That's more like it.

Scene III

(Giovanni's office at Team Rocket Headquarters)

GIOVANNI: (spinning around in his chair) Butch, Cassidy…

BUTCH & CASSIDY: (bowing) Yes, sir?

GIOVANNI: (grinning happily) How do you like my new Hot Wheel?! Isn't it neato?

(Pushes the little car around his desk a little, making 'vrooming' noises)

CASSIDY: (sweat drops) Uh…

BUTCH: Ooh, Boss, I want one! (clapping his hands together) Let me play with it, please?!

GIOVANNI: Get your own! It's mine!

(He hugs the car selfishly then quickly stashes it in a locked drawer full of other Hot Wheels and Pokémon figurines)

BUTCH: Aww!

GIOVANNI: (serious again) Now. What do you two want? Make it quick because you have already tried my patience to the point of annoyance!

CASSIDY: (nervous) Yes, sir. We're sorry, sir. We promise to make up for our failures.

BUTCH: (pouting) It's all those meanies Jesse and James' faults, anyway…

GIOVANNI: (rolling his eyes) Get to the point, you two.

CASSIDY: (glaring at Butch) Yes, sir! As I was about to say, we came to request that our next assignment be to help our fellow Team.

BUTCH: (getting fangs) WHAT?!

GIOVANNI: WHAT?! Are you crazies?! You hate them! They constantly screw up! They will completely destroy what's left of your reputations!

BUTCH: I'M WITH THE BIG GUY, HERE!

GIOVANNI: (calming down) Cassidy, I must ask your reasons to ask for such a…an uncharacteristic assignment change.

BUTCH: Other than the fact that you've gone completely screwy!

CASSIDY: (smiling knowingly) Sir, you said the reason yourself—they are constantly screwing up. And while we work on separate Teams, we are constantly sabotaging each other's work—unintentionally, of course, sir. Perhaps if we were to combine Teams, we could collectively succeed. Their reputations and jobs would once again suite their Elite title, and Butch and I would regain your respect and perhaps…(humbling) a promotion to Elite as well?

GIOVANNI: (looking thoughtful) Combining Teams? Hmmm…the idea never crossed my mind.

BUTCH: (shocked) Good explanation.

GIOVANNI: (sighing) A clever idea, I must admit, Cassidy, but unfortunately, I can not grant you the assignment.

BUTCH & CASSIDY: (surprised) Huh?!

CASSIDY: But, sir, why?! You said so yourself that it was a good idea!

GIOVANNI: (shrugging in dismissal) Because I pulled Team Rocket Elite off assignment.

CASSIDY: (getting fangs) You WHAT?!

BUTCH: (pouting) We never get vacations…

GIOVANNI: (irritated) Consider Mexico your vacation!

BUTCH: But we didn't even get to sight-see!

CASSIDY: Sir, I don't understand! I thought you were disgusted with Jess and James' performance!

GIOVANNI: I was. That's why I pulled them off assignment. (waving a hand in dismissal) They'd been on that stupid assignment for so long, I figured it was tiring them and ruining their work. So I gave them time off to recover their Elite training.

CASSIDY: (dumbfounded) I can't believe this…!

BUTCH: I told you he favored them! (pouting) This is discrimination!

GIOVANNI: You buffoon, this is a criminal organization, not a Wal-Mart team!

BUTCH: (looking over his contract) No wonder the health benefits suck.

GIOVANNI: THERE ARE NO HEALTH BENEFITS, YOU NIT-WIT!

BUTCH: That's why they suck.

CASSIDY: So that's it? They get a vacation and we get a lecture about getting caught by the authorities?

GIOVANNI: I'm a crime lord, Cassidy. I don't have to be fair.

BUTCH: Aww, nut-bunnies!

GIOVANNI: Quit whining, Butch! It's irritating!

BUTCH: Sorry.

GIOVANNI: Now I gave you two your assignment! Stop whining over, "But it's not fair, sir!" and, "We never get vacations, sir!" and get yourselves out there and make yourselves useful!

CASSIDY: (sweat dropping) Um, sir, about our assignment…

GIOVANNI: (glaring meaningfully) Do you want to be deported again?

CASSIDY: (smiling nervously) No, no, the assignment's fine, sir! We're leaving!

(Both hurry out of Giovanni's office)

GIOVANNI: (pounding his fist on his desk) Those nit-wits really get on my nerves! I hope they screw up again just so I can fire them! …Not that I need a reason to fire them… (calms down) Now where was I?

PERSIAN: Mrrrow?

GIOVANNI: (cheery) Ah, yes!

(Opens up his toy drawer and lines all of his Hot Wheels up on his desk)

It's the Indy 500 and the racers are pumped with excitement! All odds are on Speed Racer, in his bright new racer! The referee waves the flag! And…THEY'RE OFF!

(He pushes all the cars across the desk with his arm, sending several off the edge)

PERSIAN: MRROOOW! (ducking flying cars)

GIOVANNI: Go, Speed, go!

(Speed's car crashes into the wall)

Scene IV

(Arbok is sulking on the front porch)

*Pre-translated*

ARBOK: All those damned contract negotiations and I still never get to appear in the show!

DIRECTOR: Uh, Mr. Arbok, you are in the show.

ARBOK: We're filming?! You buffoon, why didn't you tell me?!

DIRECTOR: We want all of our actors to appear natural, Mr. Arbok. In fact, half of the cast doesn't even know this is a show.

ARBOK: (dryly) I bet I know which half that is…

(Both turn to watch Victreebell, Lickitung, and Gastly playing soccer with Weezing on the lawn)

DIRECTOR: Yes, well, we don't need to burden them with that.

ARBOK: I agree with that one.

DIRECTOR: (looking at his watch) Okay, Mr. Arbok, your time's up.

ARBOK: What do you mean my time's up?

DIRECTOR: You're contract scene limit is up. All right, crew! Pan left!

ARBOK: Hey, come back here with that camera! Aaarrggh…Those stupid lawyers jilted me!

(Camera pans left to Jesse and James who have walked from around the back of the house)

JAMES: Huh…Well he wasn't in his lab.

JESSE: No matter. Let's get the Pokémon into their Pokéballs and then we can check for him in the house again.

JAMES: Good idea. (pulls out his Pokéballs) Weezing! Victreebell! Back in your balls!

(Sends Weezing and Victreebell back to their Pokéballs)

JESSE: (calling back Lickitung) Hey, where's Arbok?

JAMES: There! On the porch!

JESSE: Hey, Arbok, get back here! Where do you think you're going?! (runs after him) Come back here, damnit!

(James calls back Neko's Gastly then runs after Jesse, who is busy tackling Arbok into his Pokéball)

JAMES: Jeez, what got into Arbok?

JESSE: (panting) I don't know! He's never been so upset about going into his Pokéball! I really need to stop letting him have sugar.

JAMES: Well, that takes care of the Pokémon. Now we just need to find Meowth.

JESSE: And Chan-saw and Evil Bear-mon. I haven't seen either of them since this morning.

JAMES: Maybe they went with Neko to the film festival.

JESSE: You're probably right. (runs into the house) Let's go check Meowth's room!

JAMES: This is taking longer than we thought! (follows her)

JESSE: Well you shouldn't have slept in!

JAMES: (defensive) Everything's always my fault!

JESSE: Maybe if you used your brain more often instead of sleeping, eating, and playing those stupid video games all the time…!

JAMES: Jesse, we're on vacation! What else am I suppose to do?

JESSE: (eyes wobbling) You could spend time with me…

JAMES: (blink) Huh?

(And cue the sentimental music! …)

JESSE: (sniff) You and Neko are always hanging out together these days. I'm beginning to think you don't like me anymore!

JAMES: That's not true!

JESSE: Well the only time's you ever want to do anything with me are when you're bored! Am I too boring for you or something?

JAMES: I didn't know you felt that way. I thought you didn't want to hang out with me!

JESSE: Really?

JAMES: Of course! (hugs her) I'd never find you boring!

JESSE: Really, James? I thought you were avoiding me or something.

JAMES: Well…I was a little mad that you didn't want us to be seen together…but I'm over that now. (squeezes her again) Now are we going to get everyone out of the house so we can spend the day together or not?

JESSE: (smiles) Right! (kisses him) And I don't care who saw that!

(Awe, just like 7th Heaven! *gagging noises* Back to the humor, quick!)

SEAGULL: Hi, you guys.

J & J: (surprised) AAAGH!

JESSE: Where did you come from?!

SEAGULL: I just came to return your candles. OH MY GOD, YOU JUST KISSED HIM!

JESSE: I did not!

SEAGULL: That sure looked like a kiss to me!

JESSE: Okay. So I kissed him! But it was a friendly kiss anyway!

SEAGULL: That was not a friendly kiss!

JESSE: Yes it was!

SEAGULL: Like hell it was! Don't tell me there wasn't tongue involved!

JESSE: (turning red) THERE WAS NO TONGUE! IT WAS TOTALLY INNOCENT!

SEAGULL: Innocent?! That looked like the beginning of a love scene in a movie! I think you just bent the censors backwards in a thirty-second time slot!

JESSE: It was innocent! You're seeing things!

SEAGULL: Hold on, I think you just made the directors of Casablanca green with envy…!

JAMES: (moan) Why me…?

JESSE: Would you get over it, you crack-head voodoo witch?! Besides, who said you could—

SEAGULL: Am I the only one who knows about this? Oh boy, are Neko and Galaxia in for a surprise!

JESSE: Wait a second! You can't tell anyone about this! Wait, come back here! SEEEEAAAGULLL!

TO BE CONTINUED…