10Disclaimer: I don't own Tsubasa. If I did, all the flangst in the current books would've either happened earlier or never happened at all. CLAMP tortured my poor babies (Kurogane and Fai) way too much. -cries for them-
This happened after Sakura separated her body and soul and before they went to Celes. Like, the interval between two chapters. Hope you like!
Warning: FLANGST! not my word to begin with, but still! there's tones of it. -.-;
"Look at me." He uttered. I couldn't. I just couldn't. He was sitting behind me, on the bed, but I couldn't. He told me once beforehand, before I had grabbed the doorknob, but I still refused. It would break the heart I had left to shatter. The betrayal written in those eyes. Those glowering, pain filled, red eyes. I knew it was my fault. It's always been my fault. But… it's just so relieving to have someone else carry the blame. I know that's wrong, but it's true.
"You can't control me." I say. I sound so cold, so unlike me. He must feel the sting of my words. He must feel them, no matter what he does to counteract them. Even if he doesn't, I really don't want to say them. I can't help it though.
"It doesn't matter. You're the one ignoring me." He says back. I can hear fabric on fabric; I know he's crossing his arms, glowering at me. I can't turn around. I'll shatter. I'll break into tiny little pieces that his strong hands can't pick up. The glue that was my lies had dried and cracked. I just couldn't act like nothing had happened. I just couldn't.
"I'm giving you my attention full now. Accept it whilst I'm here." Tears are coming, though they can only pour from one eye. I won't cry in front of him. I can't. I just can't.
"Full attention requires eye contact." Ouch. I feel a painful jab in my heart. He must know it hurts if he had to say it. I don't show it though. I never could express myself clearly to him, I just couldn't.
"You can see me from here." I say low. My voice is so venomous; I scare myself even. I feel like I'll hurt the only anchor I have. I want him to be my anchor, at least. I want to turn around and cry in front of him. I want to smile and pretend it's alright. I want to be with our princess and Syaoran again. I want…
I want to make him smile and say my name. I want to give him everything I can do. I want to make him happy. He wants the same for me, I'm sure. And I hate him for it.
Why?
I was just the magician, a traveling companion doomed for failure or even death. Why does he care? Why does he want me to live so badly?
I hear him rise. No, no don't come over here. I'll shatter. I'll break into a million microscopic pieces that he can't even see. I couldn't do that to either of us. I couldn't keep this mask on. I just couldn't.
"But you can't see me." I bend my head. Touché. I turn to the side slightly, my blind side.
"I never want to see you again, Kurogane." I regret the words the second after I say them. I lied again. A nasty habit. He takes a step closer. No. Don't come closer.
"You know that's not true." He can always see through my lies. I don't want to see through his. That's the reason I don't look at him. I don't want to see the reality. I want to pretend this is all a nightmare. That Kurogane and I are still in the wordless country searching for the kids and Mokona at the beginning of our travels. He laughed once while we were there. He laughed because of my doodles. It was such a nice laugh, strong, hardy, rugged. Much like the man himself. That's why I don't want to look at him. He's reality.
"Why don't you believe me ever?" I smile bitterly. Another step. He can see through me again. Stop it. I don't want to get you hurt. Reality hurts. Reality always hurts. I couldn't do that to him. I just couldn't.
"Because you're always lying." I can feel the tear run down my cheek. No. He can't come any closer. He'll break if he sees me crying. He'll snap if he sees me shattering. I couldn't do that to him. I just couldn't.
"Because you assume everything's wrong." I whisper. It's the only voice I could manage. He's so close. I just want to take a few steps and bury myself in his broad chest. Just wipe my eye in his shirt as he holds me. I can't though. I 'hate' him. I 'loath' him with all my soul. My soul isn't even mine, anymore. I sold it to the devil. If I did anything to him with all my soul, I'd be selling him out to his worst nightmares. I couldn't do that to him. I just couldn't.
"And everything is wrong. Why don't you tell me?" He doesn't ask it like a question. It's more of a desperate pleading for me to open up to him. As if he can make everything alright. You're strong, Kuro-tan, the strongest man I know, but you're not strong enough to put this lost soul back in heaven. You're not strong enough to end it all. You would waste all your energy on me. I couldn't do that to you. I just couldn't.
"Because you already know." I choke out. I don't even try to stop my voice from cracking. I can't take it anymore. Before he can fully outstretch his arm to grab me, I swing the door open and slam it shut behind me. I hear him shout mage, as if to stop me, but I ignore it.
I hear his hand rest itself on the door. I don't leave. We're on opposite sides of the door, now. Opposite sides of the rooms. Opposite worlds. He fights for good, I'm used for evil. The angel and devil wearing different faces. Don't worry, Kuro-san, you couldn't have saved me anyway. I slide myself down his door and bring my knees up to my chin. I rest my forehead on my arms and let the tears pour out. Saving me would make you take my place. I couldn't do that to you. No, I love you too much to make you suffer.
I couldn't do that to you.
I just couldn't.