41Title- The Real Thing
Author- 4give4get
Rating- T
Status- Oneshot
Disclaimer- I don't own Twilight and I don't want to.
Serena- This time it's not an anime story. This had been bugging to come out for… a while. Plz R&R!
The Real Thing…
Bella and Edward were walking through some guy's garden. She looked at him. He was wearing a light blue sweater, white scarf, and black pants. She wrinkled her nose. He was carrying a Starbucks coffee.
"Edward," Bella began, "You're dressed like you're gay. What straight man wears that?"
"Oh?" he inquired, "And what straight woman wears that?" he pointed at her in her long khaki skirt halfway down her lower leg, Birkenstocks with pink knee-socks, and navy blouse.
"My clothes are hot, shut up, Edward." She snapped back.
"At least my clothes match. You are wearing pink with khaki and blue." He pointed out.
"You look like a gay man walking with me and I want people to know we're a couple!" she pouted.
…
Underground Cave lair-thingy…
"Our plan will be carried tomorrow at ten." Some super-buff black dude, that is roughly six eight, obviously on steroids, said.
"Excellent, Michael." (pronounced MEE-shall like that dude in Dodgeball.) Gollum cackled.
"No!" he said turning into Smeagal, "We must help the girl!"
"Nooooo! She must die!" he said, turning back into Gullum.
In the cave was really just an auditorium. With about 999,999,999,999,999,999,999 people. It was the largest club in the world, it's name was Bella Haters of the Universe. All of the people in it are characters from every book you've ever read. Even the one you are reading right now. To name a few main ones, there was Dumbledore, Harry Potter, Voldemort (Meaning his Death Eaters, too), pretty much everyone in Lord of the Rings, and our leader… Michael.
Everyone began to evil laugh.
"Okay, who wants Krispy Kremes!" Voldemort shouted, as a whole truck pulled up.
"I DO!" everyone shouted, raising their hands.
…
Bella was pacing up and down the cliff in LaPush that she had jumped off of, months earlier. My life is so horrible and hard. She thought to herself.
"THERE SHE IS!" Michael, Voldemort, Harry Potter, Dumbledore, Frodo, Pipin, all of the other Hobbits, Gandolf, and several Pokemon shouted, charging at her atop speeding white stallions.
Ha! Suckers! She thought, and pulled out her shiny AK47. She aimed it at the charging crowd of Bella Haters of the Universe and opened fire. Unfortunately for Bella, she had the suckiest aim in the world. Every time she shot she totally missed.
"Damn it!" she screamed after she missed for about five straight minutes. The crowd was still charging at her in slow motion.
"That terrorist ripped me off!" Bella yelled, throwing the gun down. The crowd finally arrived at the edge of the cliff… and shoved her off.
"EIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEE!" she screamed as she fell.
"HURRAH!" Voldemort screamed, "TODAY IS THE START OF A NEW ERA!"
"HATE BELLA SWANN FOREVER! HATE BELLA SWANN FOREVER! HATE BELLA SWANN FOREVER!" the rest of the club chanted for a while until they just got bored and left.
…
Dumbledore slowly walked up the front path to the Cullen's house. He rang the doorbell. When Edward and the rest answered it, he took a deep breath.
"I'm please—I mean sorry to say that Bella had been killed by, uh, a herding stampede of buffalo." He said, faking sadness
They all looked at Edward to see his reaction.
"Uh.. Oh! What a tragedy!" he exclaimed with even worse fake sadness, "On a happier note, my new girlfriend shall be…" he looked around randomly. Rosalie and Emmett ducked out of his view. "YOU!" he shouted to Dumbledore and started making out with him.
"Uh… let's go inside, guys." Carlisle said, turning around.
"You're gay?" Alice asked.
"Uh-huh, I've been meaning to come out of the closet for some time now. And dating Bella made me realize it!" Edward declared, grinning.
"Uh, that's great."
"Now that we're rid of Bella, we only have to get rid of him." Alice whispered to Jasper.
He nodded.
"RELEASE THE HOUNDS!" Jasper screamed, and fifty rabid dogs attacked Edward and gave him rabies, which is the only thing that can kill vampires, so Edward died, too.
"Thank god."
"Let's all go to McDonalds."
…
Jacob was randomly walking around town, when he saw some girl standing on the cliff that Bella had jumped off. She was about Bella's height, and had dark hair. She looked prettier though, and had a way better fashion sense. He shrugged and ran up to her, glad to see her.
When he got close enough, however, he saw that in fact it was not Bella. It was the back of some girl, his age, looking over the cliff. She heard him walking up and turned around.
It was like looking straight into the face of an angel. Her eyes were sea-green, her skin was a golden tan, and her hair was straight dark brown. She pressed her lips together. But smiled lightly at him nonetheless.
"Hey—I…" Jacob stuttered. It was like love at first sight. Wait, he thought, is this what it's like to imprint? He felt like he had known her his whole life. This girl, he didn't know her name, he didn't know the first thing about her, but he loved her more than anything in the world.
"Do you live around here?" she asked, "I'm Ivy and I just moved to Forks from D.C."
"Jacob. Are you going to the local school?"
"Yeah, although I think I'm gonna spend most of my time out here in La Push, it's pretty out here and the people are nice."
"If you want to hang out sometime you know where to find me."
"Ok thanks I guess I'll see you around." She smiled.
And they walked hand-in-hand off into the sunset.
THE END
EPILOGUE:
Jacob and Ivy lived happily ever after.
The Bella Haters of the Universe still exists, if you wish to join, just ask in the review!
They still hold a joyful ceremony of her death-date: September 17th.
No, the story was not meant supposed to be well-written, only informative. It is to show you what goes in your favorite novel. And yes, to Harry Potter fans out there, Dumbledore IS gay. Edward, we're pretty sure, but not positive.
The Cullens went to McDonalds and got their drinks spiked. They all passed out and by the time they woke up, they were on a ship to Shanghai. They had to sail all the way there, and then all the way back. Why didn't they use airplanes, no one knows.
The End
Serena- It is extremely random, and I could not have done it without the help of my sis, Holly. She's a year older, but were still like BFF. She don't like anime, though. Grr, curse her!
The Bella Haters of the Universe IS a real club! Sign up in your review! (We have yet to kill her, though.) I'm actually going to create a website for it, so you can then talk to other members in chat rooms. I'll say when I get it up.
THANKS FOR READING! I LOVE EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOU AND PLEASE REVIEW!