41Title- The Real Thing
Author- 4give4get
Rated- T
Status- No longer a one-shot, sorry…
Disclaimer- I most definitely do NOT own Twilight. (Shudders at the thought)
Serena- R&R.
Forks/La Push:
Seeing as Edward had recently gotten over his last inclination to kill Jacob, he realizes that he actually may have a shot at TRUE HAPPINESS because such a person imprinted on him. Edward therefore decides that he loves Jacob as well.
Edward: OMC, I love you Jacob!
Jacob: Sweet, you know what these means, right?
Edward: Of course!
Together: CONDO ON THE BEACH!
They get on a plane to the Bahamas and our whole cast is standing on the runway, watching the plane as it takes off.
Runway:
Bella: OMC, screw them both! They're SUPPOSED to be fighting over me, not going on some mega-hot dream vacation to the tropics together! THAT'S NOT HOW THIS STORY GOES! This writer's a total bitch!
Yes, Bella, but I'm afraid that Edward and Jacob in a one-bedroom condo together is what most fangirls would prefer to see, rather than just pointless arguments between them, usually centering you. THIS IS FANFICTION! STEPHANIE MEYER HAS NO POWER HERE!
Alice: (to Jasper) Aw man, how come YOU never take me to the Bahamas?
Jasper- Me want bananas!
Alice-:FINE! If you'd rather have some stupid bananas than a mega-hot vacation to the Bahamas like what Jacob and Edward are having then I'm dumping you!
Bella: But Alice can't dump Jasper! That would never happen!
Right, Bella. Do you think anyone here cares?
Billy Black: I'll go to the Bahamas with you, Alice…
Everyone shudders and inches away.
"How'd he even get his wheelchair all the way here by himself?"
Back at the Cullen's pimpin' house (minus Jasper who ran away to the zoo to be with the other gorillas):
Bella: I miss Edward. I miss Jacob. Hell, I even miss Mike Newton. I miss having some guy being pointlessly in love with me, like I always would back when Stephanie Meyer was the writer!
Alice bursts in the door, "Hey guys guess what?"
She doesn't wait for anyone to say what, but plows right on, "I met this guy on the city bus who had white hair, dog ears, and a weird red outfit and he said his name was Inu Yasha, or something like that, and that I had to help him gather something called the Shikon shards!"
Bella: Since Jacob and Edward abandoned me, maybe I should just give Mike a call…
Alice: (continuing, ignoring Bella) And guess who my new boyfriend is? This guy, who says I shouldn't tell you this, but he's really named Kira, and has this black book called a Deathnote!"
Carlisle: OMC, I was the last Kira! It was awesome!
Esme: Um, hello? Writer-person? Carlisle can't say OMC that makes no sense.
Bella: Hey, you guys, I've decided something.
Everyone: (sighs in annoyance) What now, Bella?
Bella: I think I'm going to have a baby. And the baby is going to be some evil, half-vampire, spawn of Satan, and I'm going to get really beat-up in the process, but it's all going to end just fine. But until then, I need you all to be hopelessly worried for me and try to make me see reason and abort, but I'll keep refusing because of maternal feelings.
The Cullens all moaned like kids as soon as a huge paper was assigned.
Rosalie: Sounds, fun, can I be the one who backs you up and everyone hates me for it, because I'm surely killing you?
Bella: I was hoping you'd ask!
Alice: Do we have to?
Bella: Yes! Now, Carlisle—say something doctor-ish, and that you don't know whether or not I'll live.
Carlisle: I'd rather not, Bella. Do you remember how much medical supplies we wasted last time you had an idea like this?
Bella: You guys aren't team players! You know what? I'll just go and hang our with Mike Newton!
Alice: What? Mike Newton! OMC, that's the guy I was telling you about! He's the Kira I was telling you all about!
Carlisle: Mike Newton is Kira?
Alice: Yup, you wouldn't have guessed, huh?
Bella: You mean I can't even have Mike now because Alice stole him?
Yeah… pretty much…
Bella: Fine, then I've decided that I'm a vampire now, and guess what my kick-ass special power is?
The Cullens rolled their eyes and asked her what.
"I've got SELF-CONTROL! Isn't that pretty cool?"
Alice: Are you serious? That's the lamest thing I've ever heard of!
Bella: Yeah, well for some reason I won't be all bloodthirsty so I'll still be all exactly how I was before, and won't kill everyone in Forks.
Alice: That's the cheapest thing I've ever heard of!
Bella: Yeah, well it's convenient. And that's not all, wanna know what else? Okay, I'll tell you anyway: I also have a mental shield that I can spread to other people, but it's really hard, so I'm basically the same useless Bella I've always been.
Jasper jumps through the window, shattering it and landing in the middle of the room.
Jasper: (to Alice) I've escaped from the zoo! I found out that I'm really allergic to bananas anyway! Wanna go to the Bahamas?
Alice: Hell yeah, forget that Mike Newton-Kira kid!
All of the remaining Cullens and Bella watch as their plane takes off on the runway.
Runway:
Bella: OMC, this so sucks, okay? Where are Mike and I going to get the money to go to the Bahamas too?
Esme: Did you ask him out yet, Bella?
Bella: No, I still can't believe that I'm being lowered to such a thing! Mike Newton? (Swoons at the thought.)
Mike: Bella, you're a bitch. You think you're so much better than me, but I don't even like you anymore since I've stopped dropping LSD. The acid made you look like an old bearded man (which is what turns me on, okay?) but now that I've been through rehab, I see that your just some girl, so forget I ever liked you.
Dumbledore- Did you say you liked bearded old men?
Mike: OMC, that's the Bella that I saw before the rehab!
Dumbledore- Wanna go to the Bahamas?
The remaining Cullens and Bella watch as their plane takes off also.
Bella: Well, that was the third and last guy I had pointlessly in love with me, damn!
Esme: Bad luck, Bella.
Carlisle: I'm bored as hell, wanna go to the Bahamas and get a condo on the beach and have a mega-hot vacation too, Esme?
Esme: Sounds good, but only if you promise not to bring any medical supplies because you always get stopped in security with them.
Rosalie, Emmett and Bella watch their plane take off.
Emmett: Hey, Rosalie, I have a whole bunch of Frequent Flyer Miles, are you thinking what I'm thinking?
Together: Mega-hot vacation in a beach condo in the Bahamas!
Rosalie: Sucks for you Bella, left without someone to have a mega-hot vacation with. But I was rooting for you to have the evil, half-vampire, spawn of Satan baby. You could have named it something horrible, like Renesmee.
Bella watched their plane take off.
"Renesmee? That's not a bad name…"
We all know only someone like Bella would torture a child with the name, Renesmee. What possessed Stephanie Meyer to use something like THAT, I will wonder for the rest of my life. And I am now done tearing apart Breaking Dawn. For now…
The End
Serena- You really ought to review. It's only nice…