When Bad Comedians Attack!

An Original Story by Writer's Blah

© 2007, Writer's Blah

DISCLAIMER: I do not own Pirates of the Caribbean, Shrek, Marvel comics, Fruit Loops (You'll see what I mean!) or the false idol Santa Claus. I also don't own Groucho Marx or the popular game show "Whose Line is it Anyway" or Big Fish Games or whatever company that made the creepy horror movie "Chuckie".

HOST: Welcome, cage-fighting fans!

CO-HOST: We present to you a clash of movie giants, plus some bad comedians!

Co-Host plays laugh track.

HOST: In this one of a kind, once in a lifetime, three-on-three match, to see who the real giants are! I'm your host, Drew Carry!

CO-HOST: And I'm your co-host, Fatman!

Dramatic music plays, the lights dim, and a spotlight goes upon the stage to two gates.

DREW: And now, we are pleased to announce the members of team one, namely…Jack Sparrow from Pirates of the Caribbean: Curse of the Black Pearl, Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest, and Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End!

JACK: This place doesn't look like Port Royal…

FATMAN: Shrek from Shrek, Shrek 2, Shrek 3-D, Shrek 4-D, and Shrek the Third!

SHREK: I thought this was an "All-You-Can-Barf" buffet, not some cheap-o wrestling match.

DREW AND FATMAN: And Spider-Man from Spider-Man 1, 2, and 3!

SPIDER-MAN: This looks oddly familiar. This time, I better not get cheated out of my money!

DREW: Now, we present to you, team two! We present to you, Toucan Sam, president of Fruit Loops Inc.!

SAM: This isn't where my nose is leading…

FATMAN: Santa Claus, that fake jolly prowler who breaks into your house and leaves gifts!

SANTA: You'd better watch out!

DREW AND FATMAN: And lastly, Groucho Marx!

GROUCHO: No substitutions, exchanges, or refunds…wait, this isn't a comedy act! I'm late for New Orleans! I want my spicy French fry-flavored jalapeño covered pancakes!

DREW: We thank our sponsors, who forcefully brought these competitors here against their will, in a life-or-death situation…

Screen shows a still picture of Will Turner and Chuckie. (scary movie, not Rugrats).

DREW: …so they can fight in WWF for our pitiful, strangely tormented humor.

Audience boos.

FATMAN: But who am I or my co-host to say that humor is underrated?

DREW: Hey! I'm the main host!

FATMAN: Yeah, the guy who hosts the game show "Whose Line Is It Anyway" is the main host, while the star of the unpopular game from Big Fish Games who is constantly getting eaten by Fang Monsters raw without ketchup or mayonnaise is his little servant!

DREW: Your point?

Audience laughs.

SANTA: I agree with Fatman.

FATMAN: See? I'm respected for my dignity, pride…

SANTA: No, I just sided with him because he's fat like me!

DREW: Well, that was humiliating. For you, I mean.

Fatman grits his teeth.

FATMAN: Just get on with the show.

Fatman laughs insanely and his right eye twitches.

GROUCHO: Yeah, Drew! You should get a dill pickle to start the show, and then kiss it!

DREW: Now why would I do that?

GROUCHO: Because you're Drew! Drew Pickles from Rugrats!

DREW: That's Drew Carry, not Drew Pickles.

GROUCHO: Carry, Pickles, same difference. Those two names sound a lot alike, like the fact that water and batteries sound a lot alike.

Audience laughs.

DREW: You know what, Fatman? You're right! We should start the show because SOME PEOPLE are getting angsty!

JACK: Finally! Now I can put my sword to good use!

Will Turner appears out of nowhere and takes Jack's sword.

JACK: Hey! I thought you're on my side!

WILL: Sorry, Jack. Regulations clearly state that a thing like that isn't allowed in the match.

JACK: To this with regulations!

Jack rips lattice wall out of the cage, throws it onto the floor and steps on it.

CHUCKIE: What did you say, punk?

JACK: Ehh, yeah. Regulations, yeah.

DREW AND FATMAN: Well, after Will repairs the wall, LET THE MATCH BEGIN!

DREW: First up, it's "Spider-Man Versus Groucho Marx"!

GROUCHO: Yeah, coincidence that the guy I insulted puts me to be in the first match.